Page 6 | DD doesn’t want play date

LavendersBlueeee · 2023-10-05T08:18:38+00:00

DD7 has been invited to another girl from schools house. My DD really doesn’t want to go and is looking to me to get her out of it. I’ve had to do this so many times with this girl, and I’m out of excuses! The other girl and her parents are really nice, but my DD just isn’t that keen on this girl and just really doesn’t want to go. I feel bad sending her there even for a couple of hours even though I know they would probably have a good time cos she’s saying Mum please don’t make me go. I don’t feel like I can tell them she just doesn’t want to cos obviously the mum and girl would take offence and I don’t want to upset or cause problems with them. any advice?

novalia89 · 05/10/2023 11:48

melurim · 05/10/2023 11:41

Classic MN reading comprehension. Nowhere did OP say she was forcing her child to go. She's asked for advice on how she can handle the repeated requests. It was the first pp respond who said suggested the child should go to be kind.

My response may have sounded like I thought that the OP was forcing her child, but I know that she is not and was asking for advice. But my response was based on what I tell myself as an excuse, bearing in mind that I don’t want to force myself to do that. So reminding her that the child has boundaries can influence her response. She doesn’t need to make up an excuse because ‘boundaries and not being forced to do it’ is a good enough reason without having to make something up.
So my response wasn’t a lack of comprehension but more a considering the implications of potentially saying yes because you can’t think of an ‘excuse’. I think that the other posters may be the same, although I haven’t read them all.

novalia89 · 05/10/2023 11:51

Beautiful3 · 05/10/2023 11:45

It's not nice to be forced to do something, just because your mum wants to look like a nice person. Just say, "I asked x and she said she doesn't want to go. I'm really sorry." A smile at the end, makes it better. I've had someone say it to me and I was not offended. I have had a child come play, then ask me why I keep inviting her, because they aren't friends! I was a bit embarrassed 😳 because my daughter thought they were mates, but obviously not! So I'd much rather only have the playdate if they want to come!

‘Just say, "I asked x and she said she doesn't want to go. I'm really sorry." A smile at the end, makes it better.’

This is PERFECT. Straight to the point and shows that it’s the child’s decision and the child said no.

Hankunamatata · 05/10/2023 11:53

It's hard op. Two options if it by phone or text I'd say that ypir dc has said she doesn't want to do playdate at the moment, you know how kids can be.
If infront of the mum and dc I'd say that dc is just too tired for playdates and perhaps review it next year.

In the past I would have advocated thinking of other feelings etc BUT I'm becoming more aware that we condition our girls to put others needs before out own, to their detriment.

Theydontknowthatweknowthattheyknow · 05/10/2023 11:54

She's 7. That's plenty old enough to consider cause and affect. At age 3 I might read between the lines a bit as they sometimes just say no for the sake of it but at 7 she will have her reasons. Give her the autonomy to make her own judgement of character and set boundaries. Try and talk to her about what it is that's making her feel this way and try and talk about how it will make the other child feel to be excluded but you do kids no favours forcing friendships for tonnes of reasons that have already been covered on here. I don't believe in forcing friendships. I do believe in teaching kids to be kind and respectful to children they don't like but this doesn't mean putting themselves into uncomfortable situations

Grendalsmum · 05/10/2023 11:56

Perhaps you could chuck in something about DD needing some down time alone to recharge her social batteries after school? That was really true for DS1, he could be the life and soul of the party but only if he got time alone to chill afterwards - maybe frame your refusal in those terms?

arethereanyleftatall · 05/10/2023 12:00

LavendersBlueeee · 05/10/2023 11:12

Some of the replies on here have made me think of other threads on MN from the other point of view. I’ve often seen parents posting saying their DC is always asking for play dates and inviting to parties and gets knock backs and how shit they feel for their child. The replies are nearly always that the child and the parent constantly saying should be more thoughtful and kind. I rarely see replies saying They said no, get over it, there kids not wanting to play with yours are more important than yours or your DCs feelings.
So as much as I want to respect my DDs boundaries and right to say no, I am also mindful of others feelings because I’m not a total asshole and know that the other mum and DD haven’t done anything wrong, they just want the DD to have a friend. Unfortunately it seems that my DD is not that person. But this girl doesn’t have many friends so they are trying to take the opportunities to have play dates. How shit is that for them if everyone just keeps saying no?

But then the girl should look to change her behaviour.

Why has she got no friends?

Too bossy? Stop being bossy then. Etc

Not just find the softest wettest soul to be kind to you.

NeedToChangeName · 05/10/2023 12:02

Justaredherring · 05/10/2023 09:54

OP, I don’t understand why you can’t just say to the mum that DD just doesn’t want to go?

@Justaredherring I think it's easier said than done. If you invited a friend for dinner and they said "No thanks, I don't want to, ever", how would that make you feel?

ManchesterLu · 05/10/2023 12:04

MNetcurtains · 05/10/2023 09:30

How old is your daughter? May be time to talk to her about being kind to others despite how she feels, unless there is a specific problem with the other child.

But how can you be kind about saying 'Sorry, I don't want to come to your house'? You wouldn't regularly go round to someone's house if you didn't want to, so why should this child?

Medusaismyhero · 05/10/2023 12:05

"Thanks but we're busy that day" if she's given you a specific date or "We're really busy at the minute - sorry but we can't squeeze anything in" if she's asked for a date that works for you.

She'll either get the message or you'll just keep rinsing and repeating the above (as she's clearly got the skin of a rhino).

I've given up giving specific excuses as to why I don't want to/can't do things. It also means I don't have to remember the lies I've told to get out of people-ing.

Halfemptyhalfling · 05/10/2023 12:05

I think it might be helpful to find out what the other girl is doing wrong so you can give the mum some pointers or make sure this girl isn't being bullied by being left out by the other girls

enchantedsquirrelwood · 05/10/2023 12:08

MNetcurtains · 05/10/2023 09:30

How old is your daughter? May be time to talk to her about being kind to others despite how she feels, unless there is a specific problem with the other child.

Not the #bekind nonsense.

The dd's opinion should matter than the opinion of another child and their parents.

As someone has said it's fine not to go to someone's house, it is completely different from being mean and exclusionary at school.

As for the birthday party if she doesn't like the birthday girl she won't want to go, will she?

I'd just say to the mum that you are busy and can't fit in any more playdates at the moment. And then ignore future texts etc.

You're going to have to take a deep breath and just tell the mother that your daughter doesn't want to do a play date. Otherwise she will keep asking and pressing you or the mum could just stop harassing the OP. If the OP's dd wanted to play she would soon arrange something. It's pretty obvious she doesn't want to.

NoTouch · 05/10/2023 12:09

You need to close it down or she will keep asking.

"Hi, I asked dd and she isn't keen, seems like they are not that close at the moment. Sorry. If anything changes I'll let you know."

if she asks about it, I have said something along these lines to parents before - "I feel at this age they are old enough to find their own friendship groups. With ds it has been quite fluid, sometimes he seems quite alone, then next minute he has found a group he is getting on with, I don't get involved, he needs to find his own way how to make friends"

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 05/10/2023 12:10

I was a shy and introverted child (changed as I got older) and I recall going on play dates and having them when sometimes I’d have preferred to have been by myself, reading. My DM is more extrovert than me though and encouraged play dates with children I liked which was good for me. We had an open door policy for children visiting us too.

Luckily my DM didn’t force me to go on/have play dates with children I didn’t like and there wasn’t all this expectation of being nice to parents/children either. I was taken to houses with children I didn’t necessarily get on with but this wasn’t often. We didn’t have the official term and etiquette around play dates back then but still had them.

When someone tells you loud and clear they don’t want to do something then you have to listen to them and be kindly firm to the other mother. Says volumes that the child isn’t invited elsewhere due to being OTT but that’s her mother’s issue to deal with, not yours OP. You can still be friendly to this girl and her mother though.

I agree with a PP you could invite the DD in a group to eg bowling, park etc to lessen the blow.

enchantedsquirrelwood · 05/10/2023 12:10

NeedToChangeName · 05/10/2023 12:02

@Justaredherring I think it's easier said than done. If you invited a friend for dinner and they said "No thanks, I don't want to, ever", how would that make you feel?

Show quote history

Not great, but you can't be friends with everyone.

I guess the difference is that the OP's dd and this girl have to go to school together while you might never need to see an adult "friend".

Redpaisley · 05/10/2023 12:14

LavendersBlueeee · 05/10/2023 10:12

@towriteyoumustlive
This is where you have to put yourself in the shoes of the other parent.

Every parent loves their child, but even with the best of parenting, some kids are just a pain. But despite coming across as a pain, they will have a nice side to them too, and as a parent you just want others to be able to see that side.

Imagine if it was your child that never got invited for a play date, and when you invited other kids round, they always declined or made an excuse. It's pretty crap.

So why not speak to your daughter and point out that although she thinks this girl is a pain in the arse, perhaps on her own she will have some really nice traits, and some cool toys to play with. And if she doesn't have a good time then she doesn't have to go again.

yes this is what I’m doing and putting myself in the position of the other parent and I know I would be hurt and offended which is why I don’t want to just say no.
her dd is nice enough just very OTT which doesn’t align with my DD, hence her not being her cup of tea.
I’ve tried all that and she’s just insisting she doesn’t want to go so I don’t want to make her.

OTT, not your dd's cup of tea, nice enough, a bit of pain? If you really want advice on how to resolve it in a way, your dd is not forced but you also dont have do deal with awkwardness of saying just No, then atleast be clear what OTT means?
Is she dominating with your dd? If that is the case, tell mother of said child that your dd feels dominated and is avoiding spending more time outside school. Then atleast mother will have a genuine feedback and may like to also work with her daughter to address those behaviour.
But you are being too vague with OTT and cup of tea, and that's your choice but in that case, the advice would be find another excuse or say no.

arethereanyleftatall · 05/10/2023 12:15

The thing is when people keep asking and asking, and don't get the obvious message, you're left with absolutely no choice other than to be blunt.

Nanny0gg · 05/10/2023 12:17

LavendersBlueeee · 05/10/2023 09:56

Yes totally your right it’s a me thing. I just cringe at the idea of saying No sorry my DD thinks your DD is a bit of dick and barely tolerates her at school, so doesn’t want a play date -lol-
the mum thinks they are the best of friends as this other girl doesn’t have many (cos she’s a pain as far as I can see) and thinks me and her are friends too, so it’s awkward

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How old are they???

I know we have to teach girls it's ok to say No but I also feel sorry for children who may struggle to make friends.

Would your DD have the girl back to your house where you can keep an eye and see if it's just a personality thing, or they might get on one-to-one? Or the girl really isn't that nice?

MNetcurtains · 05/10/2023 12:18

I think you've had some really good advice on how to handle this OP.

As for others who have characterised kindness as a negative, weak (and "wet") response that is setting your daughter up for god knows what horrors in her future: I hope you remember that when you're languishing in a nursing home soiling your adult nappies and your kids and grandkids don't want to visit 'icky' grandma.

SomeoneKidda · 05/10/2023 12:18

"No, she's not up for a playdate at the moment. I'll let you know if it changes."

The poster/s suggesting that we should teaching children to do something they don't want/what other people want 'to be kind' make me shudder, frankly. Awful, awful messaging for a child.

Idtotallybangdreamoftheendlessnotgonnalie · 05/10/2023 12:19

My thinking with it is that sometimes there's something going on with the kid that your kid isn't able to verbalise to you.

Its sad for the other kid, but if the mum isn't recognising a polite rebuff then perhaps her daughter is struggling with boundaries as well, and that's more than enough reason to avoid the playdate.

I'd just say, I'm sorry- DD doesn't seem keen on the idea of playdates at the moment, kids hey! She's a busy kid outside of school so I think she needs a lot of extra downtime at the moment.

Oh and for the love of god don't tell the other mum what activities your daughter does otherwise I guarantee the other kid is going to turn up to them all!!

Marblessolveeverything · 05/10/2023 12:19

I had this with my youngest son (9), and to make it more of a challenge I was/am friendly with the mum.

I had to bite the bullet and say - look they are grand at school but my lad just isn't up for hanging out outside school.

I do make the effort to try and engage in the couple of all class picnics / xmas gathering. I am not going to make my child engage with someone outside school that quite honestly they can't stand and manage to be polite etc in school everyday.

melurim · 05/10/2023 12:20

So reminding her that the child has boundaries can influence her response

She didn't need reminding, she'd already said multiple times before you posted that she wouldn't force her daughter

arethereanyleftatall · 05/10/2023 12:22

MNetcurtains · 05/10/2023 12:18

I think you've had some really good advice on how to handle this OP.

As for others who have characterised kindness as a negative, weak (and "wet") response that is setting your daughter up for god knows what horrors in her future: I hope you remember that when you're languishing in a nursing home soiling your adult nappies and your kids and grandkids don't want to visit 'icky' grandma.

No. No. No.

You are missing the point. You are asking someone to 'be kind' to someone who isn't 'being kind' to them.

The dd clearly isn't kind or nice to the ops child, otherwise she'd want to go.

The mum isn't being kind to the op because it's already absolutely obvious her dd doesn't want to go. In fact, that's horrible. She is trying to use the dd to make her own dd happy.

Which isn't addressing the root cause. Which is that the dd isn't pleasant to be around.

That's what needs addressing.

Original poster

LavendersBlueeee · 05/10/2023 12:23

arethereanyleftatall · 05/10/2023 12:00

But then the girl should look to change her behaviour.

Why has she got no friends?

Too bossy? Stop being bossy then. Etc

Not just find the softest wettest soul to be kind to you.

Show quote history

@arethereanyleftatall
But then the girl should look to change her behaviour.

Why has she got no friends?

Too bossy? Stop being bossy then. Etc

Not just find the softest wettest soul to be kind to you.

Shes just very OTT, needy, reactive (emotionally, not physically) Although TBH I wouldn’t be shocked if she had an undiagnosed condition which might be the reason for some of her behaviours. Which just makes this situation even harder IMO

OP posts:

AFieldGuideToTrees · 05/10/2023 12:23

MNetcurtains · 05/10/2023 09:30

How old is your daughter? May be time to talk to her about being kind to others despite how she feels, unless there is a specific problem with the other child.

This being kind nonsense has to stop.

It sets girls up to become women who lack boundaries and accept dreadful behaviour from partners, husbands and boyfriends because they've been taught to "be kind".

As evinced by thread upon thread upon thread on this site.