DD doesn’t want play date

[LavendersBlueeee]

DD7 has been invited to another girl from schools house. My DD really doesn’t want to go and is looking to me to get her out of it. I’ve had to do this so many times with this girl, and I’m out of excuses!
The other girl and her parents are really nice, but my DD just isn’t that keen on this girl and just really doesn’t want to go. I feel bad sending her there even for a couple of hours even though I know they would probably have a good time cos she’s saying Mum please don’t make me go.
I don’t feel like I can tell them she just doesn’t want to cos obviously the mum and girl would take offence and I don’t want to upset or cause problems with them.
any advice?

Sorry if I’ve confused you but no I meant more I would feel bad IF I made her go. She’s been inviting countless times and has never been, I’ve never made her and I don’t plan to start now.
I do however suspect if she gave it a chance there is a possibility she could enjoy herself as this girl has a cute dog and no doubt cool new toys that my DD might enjoy. But of course if she says she doesn’t want to go then I won’t make her, just like I never have before.

Sounds like this child's company would be too high a price to pay even to hang out with a cute dog!

*Hey OP, I would use this or similar on repeat.

Thank you so much for the invitation! We really appreciate it. However, my child has other plans/schedule commitments currently, so perhaps another time when they're available. I'm sure (or hooe) hope you understand."*

I think you need to work out a way to say that while her DD may see yours as a best friend, unfortunately, whilst your DD likes hers, she doesn't see her a best friend and that she only wants to visit with those she considers her best friends. In adult terms, think of all those hurt feelings and squabbles when someone only gets an evening invite from someone they thought was their best friend...

My DC was lovely to everyone at that age and very kind but this meant they got invites to playdates from kids they barely knew and certainly cared very little for in comparison to their best friends. For Y6 we ended up having a disco and inviting everyone for their birthday just because sorting out guest lists just got too complicated.

Use my wedding analogy if needs be, but the Mum should understand that friendliness and kindness don't always mean that person is your bestie.

@pollymere

I think you need to work out a way to say that while her DD may see yours as a best friend, unfortunately, whilst your DD likes hers, she doesn't see her a best friend and that she only wants to visit with those she considers her best friends.

Tactful, but would that give a false impression? It reads to me that DD doesn’t like this girl at all but doesn’t know how to shake her off and fears she’ll get in trouble if she tries.

Obviously she shouldn't go to the girls house and mustn't, but I do feel the awkwardness for you. I know you should be able to just say 'Thanks but she doesn't want too' however, if these people can see your DD going to other houses, they are going to keep pushing for an explanation. I'd say something along the lines of your DD not being comfortable going to other houses at the moment (as in houses she hasn't been to before) and you'll let them know if that changes.
I'm sure more righteous people will say just be honest, but that's too harsh.

Haven’t RTFT, but is it worth exploring how your daughter could potentially say no to this girl at school - could be a very good skills building exercise for her with you in the support role in the background..

I totally understand where you're coming from about now being at a point where it's almost impossible to avoid upsetting this girl and her mum. I'd hate it too. The only alternative is to push your DD into something she doesn't want to do and that's very damaging as you and others have said.

It's not fair that this other girl's issues with making friends are now becoming your and your DD's problem. I totally understand feeling sorry for her, I would too. I don't think it's on you to allow a friendship to be forced, because that's unfair on everyone. It's up to her mum to understand her DD's issues and try and resolve those before she tries to push a friendship.

Like @LeotardsandDaisies says, it might be very useful for your daughter to practise telling this girl no when she does things that are not acceptable to her. Keep reasserting your DD's boundaries, with you and her teacher supporting her (and the teacher maybe having a kind word with her mum about her child's behaviour as it sounds like she's making your DD's life at school harder than it needs to be?). For now, when this mum approaches you again, just keep saying your DD just doesn't want to at the moment (even with a "kids, eh?" shrug), and you don't want to force her, but will let her know if she changes her mind.

Well said.

I do feel sorry for the other girl, and mum is clearly desperate to find her friends.
But your daughter is already putting up with enough from this girl at school. All that crying if she doesn’t get her own way is horrible for your daughter to have to deal with. And while she sounds like a kind little girl, she isn’t responsible for this girl.
Sadly, someone is going to get upset…. but the other girls mum really isn’t taking no for an answer and personally I would start getting a bit annoyed with the constant pestering.
I would just say to mum that your daughter doesn’t want to come to play each and every time. No excuse no we are doing something, just she doesn’t want to come to play.

I don’t really understand why the other mum is pushing it. If someone had made excuses to me on a few occasions, I’d just leave it. It’s a difficult thing for the mum to have to explain to her child, granted, but she must get the message that for whatever reason you’re putting her off. She can’t be that thick skinned!

Maybe this is where needy clingy daughter gets it from! 🤔

I've been thinking about this since my last post and got to thinking that even when this other child is finding she doesn't have anyone to play with during school, it's your DD that steps up to include her.
The teacher knows this, so probably doesn't see that there is anything wrong here but the teacher should make sure that everyone plays with everyone else.
The mother probably knows this too which could be adding to her wanting to have your DD around after school so she can get your DD to carry on what was done in school.

It might be time to pop back into the school, have a word with the teacher and say that you would like your DD and this girl to be separated even during play time as the girl is leaning on your DD like an emotional crutch to get her through play times (you don't have to use those words) but it's not fair that none of the other girls in the class step up to play with this other girl.

Why do girls have to be kind and consider everyone else and not be allowed to set boundaries and be assertive.
look at where that has got girls and women.

Just call them and tell them that you appreciate the invite but your daughter doesn’t want to go out. If they keep inviting her I tell them the truth, that your daughter is not keen to go to their house cuz the girls don’t click. It’s not a bad things, not everyone can like us and we don’t have to like everyone.

@LavendersBlueeee so you've mentioned in passing other activities out of school and she's in turn asked where your dd goes. 🤦😔

I think it's time to have a gentle word with mum and say you've not wanted to hurt any feelings but your child doesn't want to play with X out of school, and is at times finding that being kind and including X is becoming a bit overhwelming in school also but she is not wanting to upset X.

I think it's time reading all these comments from you through the thread that the time to skirt around the issue has long passed.

You can be a sympathetic party to this girls mum and still be clear your dd is struggling with this girls intensity.

Most schools have emotional and social support within the school set up and it sounds like X could do with help from that.

I'd be going back to school and asking that dd is taken off the heat of this little girl's intensity. Maybe switching things up a bit somehow or a bit of intervention etc. Kids can be mean but it doesn't sound like your child is that type of kid and it's okay for her to say she wants to play with a different friend today or play a different game etc. Sometimes teachers put too much lean onto kids like your dd and it doesn't help any of the kids in the long run.

And I say all this as the mum of a child with social and emotional struggles.

You can have sympathy for a child but still try to be fair to everyone involved. At the moment your DD is struggling just as much as this girl is most of the school week, just in different ways.

Two alternatives would be

1. Promise (bribe?) your DD with a treat if she goes to the girl's home once for 2 hours max. If it is as bad as she imagines then she does not have to go again.
2. Invite the mum and her daughter to yours for a coffee and playdate, your daughter won't have any say in the matter. You have shown willingness and, your daughter may find it not too bad.

@CRD67 have you caught up with the updates? DD has done more than enough putting up with this girl, who I don't think she even likes, and who's had to be separated from her in the classroom but is still jealous and wants DD all to herself at playtime. There's no way she should have to endure her company outside of school, let alone in her own home.

Turning on the tears? Her mum should be teaching her not to cry because she doesn't get her own way. No wonder DD doesn't want to go.

@LavendersBlueeee goodness this is an awful situation for both you and your DD…
my daughter finds herself in something similar. She has a girl at school that is very immature, and needy, is often bullied because of it…
Mu DD is kind and sticks up for this girl against the bullies & is happy for her to hang out in the bigger friendship group, I get the impression they all find her difficult at times, but try to include her, she has now started telling girls in the group that they’ve said things about each other, trying to cause issues so she can single out and have my DD to herself… she asks my DD to meet up after school, which she isn’t keen on, but has met her once and walked round the village together and chatted. However she seems obsessed with coming to our house and DD doesn’t want this… she wants home to remain separate from school, and isn’t too fussed on seeing anyone from school out of school… anyway I try not to involve myself, she’s old enough now to tell this friend that actually she doesn’t like taking friends home and would rather go grab a hot chocolate etc…. Your DD is half the age of mine so needs your help, my suggestion would be to grab the mother and in the kindest way possible explain to her that while her DD is lovely and your DD doesn’t mind her playing with them all sometimes she finds her a little possessive and hasn’t learnt how to deal with that yet, that she doesn’t let her have other friendships etc and that you feel that the friendship for now needs to in school only so DD has that space out of school … I’d suggest kinky that she talks to her DD about maybe other friends too because yours is finding the 1:1 too much.
It is a shame if this has been happening a while, that school didn’t move the classes around and separate the girls! Definitely worth asking for them to be separated going into the next year (but that’s obviously a long way off!)

Kindly not kinky 😂

I didn't have too many friends at school but the worst ones were the ones who pretended to be my friend but weren't. I would tell the mum outright that you're really sorry but that the girls aren't getting on very well at the moment so you don't think a play date is a good idea. She will probably be upset but all you can do is apologise. Your child comes first. Then, this girl can focus on other children who she can be friends with.

I completely change my reply, which may have been snarky and 'just say no'. I have had a situation in work where someone asked me one a date on a teams call. I couldn't say no to his face and was non-committal. He caught me in person and I said no, but then said yes-ish as friends. He talked to me at the end of that day and said that he has trouble making friends. Now he is asking me to go out at lunchtime over teams, as friends. It's difficult to say no or continually give excuses. I totally understand your predicament and I am sorry for dismissing it as 'I would be blunt'. It's not that easy.

It's not really all that complicated. "Thank you for the invite, I asked my daughter and she said she didn't want to come". You don't need to tell the mum your daughter doesn't like hers. If she asks why your daughter didn't want to come you can just say you are not sure but that is her answer for now and you respect that. Whether mum gets offended or not is neither here nor there.