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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD doesn’t want play date

325 replies

LavendersBlueeee · 05/10/2023 09:18

DD7 has been invited to another girl from schools house. My DD really doesn’t want to go and is looking to me to get her out of it. I’ve had to do this so many times with this girl, and I’m out of excuses!
The other girl and her parents are really nice, but my DD just isn’t that keen on this girl and just really doesn’t want to go. I feel bad sending her there even for a couple of hours even though I know they would probably have a good time cos she’s saying Mum please don’t make me go.
I don’t feel like I can tell them she just doesn’t want to cos obviously the mum and girl would take offence and I don’t want to upset or cause problems with them.
any advice?

OP posts:
Original poster
LavendersBlueeee · 05/10/2023 11:23

@Rosiee29
Do you know of a day in the week where the other girl is definitely not available???? You could suggest that day to rearrange to so it's then on her to say no to you

no they are free every night. And even if they had plans I am quite sure they would cancel so my DD could go over as they want her to go for a play date so badly.

OP posts:
Fink · 05/10/2023 11:24

I would talk to your daughter first and make sure she is comfortable with you giving an outright 'no, thanks' to the other mum. It is awkward, but better for both sides in the long term, to be clear where you stand. But definitely warn dd, because you don't know how the mum will communicate it to her daughter and what the girl will then say to yours. Explain to your dd that you have got her back, and you are fine to stick up for her and talk to the other mum on her behalf, but that since they are at school together she will still have to see the other girl, who may want to discuss it further with her.

ManateeFair · 05/10/2023 11:24

Your DD clearly finds this girl very difficult, to the point where she didn't even want to go to her birthday party along with other friends, and also says she doesn't want to say no to the other girl at school because she knows the other girl will start crying. I think there is a lot more to this than this girl 'just not being DD's cup of tea'. It sounds to me that your DD feels quite suffocated and uncomfortable with this other girl's attentions and it makes me wonder if the other little girl is a bit obsessive (especially if her mother is also apparently unable to take a hint).

PPs that are saying things like 'Just do something with the mum and take the kids along' or 'Tell your DD to be kind, everyone has some nice traits, she needs to give this girl a chance' are wildly, wildly off the mark. Your DD sees the other girl every single day at school. She's had all the time in the world to observe and experience her personality and she simply does not enjoy her company, to the point where she couldn't face going to her birthday party.

If I had to spend five days a week in the company of a person who really grated on me and couldn't take a hint when I wanted to be left alone, and then you gave me a lecture about how I needed to give them a chance and spend a evening with them - on top of the 30 or 40 hours a week I already had to spend in their company - I would tell you to take a running jump.

novalia89 · 05/10/2023 11:25

LorraineBainMcFly · 05/10/2023 09:45

So don't be 'kind' to her own daughter and make her do something she said she doesn't want to?

Show quote history

Exactly, would you be ‘kind’ and go on a date with a man that you didn’t want to? Of course not. This is different to things that you ‘have’ to suck up and do - visiting relatives or relatives of partners, but she doesn’t ‘have’ to be friends with this girl, so why force her?

LorraineBainMcFly · 05/10/2023 11:26

MNetcurtains · 05/10/2023 10:27

God forbid you should be "kind" or consider other's feelings. Clearly a violation of your DC's human rights which will, of course, turn her into a doormat for the rest of her life!!! 🙄

Nah, don't give it another thought and just go ahead and help raise the next generation of mean girls.

It is a really awkward situation and it's a credit to you that you're concerned about others feelings.

Show quote history

How dd being a 'mean girl'?
If you had a difficult work colleague who made you unhappy as they harassed you all the time, would you 'be kind" and invite them to your home or go to theirs knowing you'd be uncomfortable the whole time?

Original poster
LavendersBlueeee · 05/10/2023 11:26

OneOfThoseOldFashionedWomen · 05/10/2023 11:04

She is willing to hurt her daughters. This is why children stop talking to parents- because they don't listen.

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I’m willing to hurt my daughter am I? Thanks for the insight you absolute nutter.

OP posts:
Autumnwreaths23 · 05/10/2023 11:27

I know it's hard to approach the other mum (I would feel the same), but maybe you could send her a message, something along the lines of...

Hi (name),
I'm really sorry but my DD is feeling a bit overwhelmed at the moment, and struggling with visits to friends in general.
I think it might just be a phase she is going through, but she just doesn't feel confident enough to come for a playdate at the moment.

laveritable · 05/10/2023 11:27

No, means No!

LookItsMeAgain · 05/10/2023 11:32

LavendersBlueeee · 05/10/2023 10:06

done This countless times and shes waited a while then asked again. That’s where we are now. She’s not taking the hint.
she asked me to my face this morning in the playground so couldn’t ignore. I said I’ll speak to DD and she when we are free.

Show quote history

Not sure if you've found a solution because I got as far as this post and thought I should respond.

If she's saying this now to your face and you said you'd speak to your DD and let her know when you're free, you simply respond by text to her queries:
"Hi Annoying Mum,
Following up on our chat earlier where I said 'll let you know when we have a free evening, I think it's best at the moment if we don't go ahead with any play dates. You know what it's like with clubs and homework and the juggle that our DDs get so worn out at this time of year. We'll put a pin in it for the time being and would really appreciate it if it isn't mentioned again for the time being. When the situation changes, we'll be in touch."
Then you can mute her on WhatsApp or block her on other social media until such time as you might want to reach out to her.

That's my suggestion.

novalia89 · 05/10/2023 11:32

LavendersBlueeee · 05/10/2023 11:26

I’m willing to hurt my daughter am I? Thanks for the insight you absolute nutter.

Show quote history

Maybe you could think of the reason like turning down a date politely ‘thank you for the offer but she is a little shy and isn’t open to play dates with new people atm. She would rather do something that she knows’.

From a dating point of view, I tell myself this when people encourage me to go on a date ‘it’s just a date,
go and then say no’. Am I going to keep saying yes until I marry him? What’s the point on going on one just to get it over with? You have to deal with the effects of this afterwards.

This is the same, she will have to deal with future play dates. You are only postponing saying no. Is she going to keep saying yes until they are best friends? Boundaries are fine and you don’t have to be ‘kind’. This isn’t one of those situations that you have to suck it up and go.

Original poster
LavendersBlueeee · 05/10/2023 11:32

WandaWonder · 05/10/2023 11:22

Then just keep on saying no, it does not have be a drama

Show quote history

Not a drama at all. Well not yet. Could become a drama if I followed some of the advice on here though!

OP posts:
Original poster
LavendersBlueeee · 05/10/2023 11:33

Fink · 05/10/2023 11:24

I would talk to your daughter first and make sure she is comfortable with you giving an outright 'no, thanks' to the other mum. It is awkward, but better for both sides in the long term, to be clear where you stand. But definitely warn dd, because you don't know how the mum will communicate it to her daughter and what the girl will then say to yours. Explain to your dd that you have got her back, and you are fine to stick up for her and talk to the other mum on her behalf, but that since they are at school together she will still have to see the other girl, who may want to discuss it further with her.

Yes, thank you @Fink good point, I will do that

OP posts:
Original poster
LavendersBlueeee · 05/10/2023 11:36

ManateeFair · 05/10/2023 11:24

Your DD clearly finds this girl very difficult, to the point where she didn't even want to go to her birthday party along with other friends, and also says she doesn't want to say no to the other girl at school because she knows the other girl will start crying. I think there is a lot more to this than this girl 'just not being DD's cup of tea'. It sounds to me that your DD feels quite suffocated and uncomfortable with this other girl's attentions and it makes me wonder if the other little girl is a bit obsessive (especially if her mother is also apparently unable to take a hint).

PPs that are saying things like 'Just do something with the mum and take the kids along' or 'Tell your DD to be kind, everyone has some nice traits, she needs to give this girl a chance' are wildly, wildly off the mark. Your DD sees the other girl every single day at school. She's had all the time in the world to observe and experience her personality and she simply does not enjoy her company, to the point where she couldn't face going to her birthday party.

If I had to spend five days a week in the company of a person who really grated on me and couldn't take a hint when I wanted to be left alone, and then you gave me a lecture about how I needed to give them a chance and spend a evening with them - on top of the 30 or 40 hours a week I already had to spend in their company - I would tell you to take a running jump.

Yes yes and yes to all of this. She just doesn’t want to spend any extra time with her than she already has to. We have done the parks etc as I have said then we can just leave when we want to. She hates it so we don’t do that anymore and I have to say no to these things too.
she does feel suffocated by this girl but knows she’s just trying to be nice to her as clearly she wants to be friends with my DD

OP posts:
FrenchandSaunders · 05/10/2023 11:36

The mum seems very thick skinned, surely you'd get the message after a couple of times. Very awkward OP but I think you have to bite the bullet and say your DD isn't keen.

FrenchandSaunders · 05/10/2023 11:37

I had this when one of my DDs was a similar age. I was very friendly with the mum which made it even more awkward really. I don't think I handled it very well with hindsight.

Original poster
LavendersBlueeee · 05/10/2023 11:39

@LookItsMeAgain
Not sure if you've found a solution because I got as far as this post and thought I should respond.

If she's saying this now to your face and you said you'd speak to your DD and let her know when you're free, you simply respond by text to her queries:
"Hi Annoying Mum,
Following up on our chat earlier where I said 'll let you know when we have a free evening, I think it's best at the moment if we don't go ahead with any play dates. You know what it's like with clubs and homework and the juggle that our DDs get so worn out at this time of year. We'll put a pin in it for the time being and would really appreciate it if it isn't mentioned again for the time being. When the situation changes, we'll be in touch."
Then you can mute her on WhatsApp or block her on other social media until such time as you might want to reach out to her.

That's my suggestion.

Thank you, I like this. definitely my favourite part is Hi Annoying Mum -lol- maybe I’ll keep that bit (joke)

OP posts:
LookItsMeAgain · 05/10/2023 11:39

I got as far as this response from you @LavendersBlueeee "But this girl doesn’t have many friends so they are trying to take the opportunities to have play dates. How shit is that for them if everyone just keeps saying no?" and thought why is that your daughter's problem to be the resolution for? It's not up to your daughter to fake a friendship because this girl hasn't many friends. Perhaps if this girl wasn't quite so full-on all the time, it might make friendships with her easier but again that isn't your job to point out or for your daughter to fix.

Ohdearwhatnow4 · 05/10/2023 11:39

Can you suggest you all go to the park , if your worried about their feelings but want to protect your daughters. One of my kids was very blunt and would just say no I don't actually like you, he is autistic but the kids still never stopped asking him, thankfully he did learn to say no thanks politely but my point is even if your honest the kid will still keep asking and the girl will have to get over it. I do feel sorry for kids in these situations but I'm sure theirs a friend for her somewhere, just not your daughter unfortunately

Ohdearwhatnow4 · 05/10/2023 11:41

You have a quiet word with school and see if they can help the girl with social stories, but in all honesty it's not your problem.

melurim · 05/10/2023 11:41

Classic MN reading comprehension. Nowhere did OP say she was forcing her child to go. She's asked for advice on how she can handle the repeated requests. It was the first pp respond who said suggested the child should go to be kind.

abs12 · 05/10/2023 11:42

Lol i can't believe how many people on here can't read. No-one is making anyone do anything they don't want to do.

OP I applaud you for teaching manners and kindness, not just being an arsehole. It goes a long way. And if it was me, I'd probably talk to DD and see if she felt she could tolerate the girl at your own house? If not, I'd just be honest with the other mum. But teaching kids to take a chance on someone or something instead of being self serving and self obsessed all the time might actually do us all some good.

stayathomer · 05/10/2023 11:44

How old is your daughter? May be time to talk to her about being kind to others despite how she feels, unless there is a specific problem with the other child.
I used to think this way too but after a few times where forcing children together has turned out to be more cruel than not, because to be fair this girl could get to know other people if it's not working out with op's daughter, I realised you can tell them to be kind, but not if it's telling then that it's being mean to want to do something different

Mumguilt23 · 05/10/2023 11:45

@MNetcurtains what a strange response 😅are we just teaching our children to be people pleasers now then and to do stuff we don't want to do? Teaching kindness yes. Pushing stuff on them they have repeatedly told us they don't want to do. No.

Beautiful3 · 05/10/2023 11:45

It's not nice to be forced to do something, just because your mum wants to look like a nice person. Just say, "I asked x and she said she doesn't want to go. I'm really sorry." A smile at the end, makes it better. I've had someone say it to me and I was not offended. I have had a child come play, then ask me why I keep inviting her, because they aren't friends! I was a bit embarrassed 😳 because my daughter thought they were mates, but obviously not! So I'd much rather only have the playdate if they want to come!

MNetcurtains · 05/10/2023 11:46

stayathomer · 05/10/2023 11:44

How old is your daughter? May be time to talk to her about being kind to others despite how she feels, unless there is a specific problem with the other child.
I used to think this way too but after a few times where forcing children together has turned out to be more cruel than not, because to be fair this girl could get to know other people if it's not working out with op's daughter, I realised you can tell them to be kind, but not if it's telling then that it's being mean to want to do something different

OP has added a tonne of context since I made that post tbh.