Page 9 | Pregnant and don’t want to host in-laws-advice needed!

Op001 · 2023-10-02T09:33:09+00:00

I am 18 weeks pregnant and don’t feel up to hosting overnight guests. Have placenta previa so supposed to be resting up. DH is pushing for in-laws to stay for a weekend which is causing a lot of arguments. They have offered to come for just a day but DH not happy with this-accused me of not wanting him to spend time with his parents. Suggestion of take away for dinner and then pub lunch led to another fight as DPs family are very “foodie”. sick of arguing and stressing about it but don’t want to give in as it will be exhausting and the next pressure will be to host Xmas.

Medlady · 05/10/2023 21:48

The I -laws’
first night, I mean

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 05/10/2023 21:58

Medlady · 05/10/2023 21:48

I’d pop home to your mum if possible, for the period he is away. After all, should there be a bleed you wouldn’t want to be alone, would you? Drift back after the first night

Yes. Can you do this?

Id be a bit worried about you being alone for 6 days - you need someone to look after you really?

Original poster

Op001 · 05/10/2023 22:33

I don’t have any parents to stay with sadly. Quite surprised that some people assume everyone does! I have neighbours and friends who can have my children if I need to rush to hospital while DH is away. Choosing/trying not to stress about it now. Sick of arguing about this with DH-he can have the visit and deal with them himself, including their changing plans. As mentioned in an earlier post, MIL has history of changing visiting plans without checking with me so not surprised at this at all. PIL are good people but very self-centred

OP posts:

crumblingschools · 05/10/2023 22:39

@Op001 sounds like the apple didn’t fall far from the tree when it comes to your DH

timpanie · 06/10/2023 00:49

girlfriend44 · 05/10/2023 16:08

his parents equal future grandparents though.

These things have to navigated tactfully all round to avoid a blow out.

Not a good way to start the babys life.

Ugh - so much shitty behaviour is often explained away/willingly overlooked with: "oh but the baby needs a relationship with its grandparents!". Not unconditionally, no.

MargotBamborough · 06/10/2023 07:19

Op001 · 05/10/2023 22:33

I don’t have any parents to stay with sadly. Quite surprised that some people assume everyone does! I have neighbours and friends who can have my children if I need to rush to hospital while DH is away. Choosing/trying not to stress about it now. Sick of arguing about this with DH-he can have the visit and deal with them himself, including their changing plans. As mentioned in an earlier post, MIL has history of changing visiting plans without checking with me so not surprised at this at all. PIL are good people but very self-centred

Wait, this isn't your first baby?

So you have placenta previa and you're supposed to be resting but you have older children to take care of solo for 6 days while your husband is working away, and then the day he gets back your PIL and potentially BIL are all descending on you for the weekend?

Have I got that right?

Yeah, that'd be a hard no from me, but on the basis that it sounds like it's too late for that, it's definitely list of jobs time.

Do nothing while your husband is away. Absolutely nothing.

He washes and dries their bedsheets before he goes, and leaves the clean linen folded on their beds.

Text him two days before he's due back, tell him there's no food in the house and ask him to do an online shop before he gets back to make sure that there is enough for you all to eat, including whatever "foodie" stuff he plans to make for his parents over the weekend.

When they arrive, go to the door to greet them.

"So glad you're here to help, it's been hell with DH away for the whole week when I'm on doctor's orders to rest. MIL, can you please put the sheets on the beds? Oh and it might be a little dusty in there so if you wouldn't mind running the hoover around quickly first, that would be fab. FIL, DC1 really wants you to play Lego, and BIL, you drew the short straw, DC2 wants to play Barbies. DH will let you know if he needs help with anything else. Right, I'm off to bed now, doctor's orders! See you at lunch!"

thecatsthecats · 06/10/2023 11:09

timpanie · 06/10/2023 00:49

Ugh - so much shitty behaviour is often explained away/willingly overlooked with: "oh but the baby needs a relationship with its grandparents!". Not unconditionally, no.

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So much this.

I got fuck all out of my mum maintaining a relationship with her parents.

Sometimes, the thing children learn from adults in their lives is that not everyone is worth the time of day.

(Spoken as a woman hiding from her ghastly FIL and trying to work out how I can manoeuvre it so that my incoming baby has a good relationship with MIL and minimum time with FIL myself.)

CherryMaDeara · 06/10/2023 11:53

Op001 · 05/10/2023 22:33

I don’t have any parents to stay with sadly. Quite surprised that some people assume everyone does! I have neighbours and friends who can have my children if I need to rush to hospital while DH is away. Choosing/trying not to stress about it now. Sick of arguing about this with DH-he can have the visit and deal with them himself, including their changing plans. As mentioned in an earlier post, MIL has history of changing visiting plans without checking with me so not surprised at this at all. PIL are good people but very self-centred

What is he arguing about, OP? Is he saying you need to do laundry, change sheets, clean etc before they come?

MargotBamborough · 06/10/2023 11:56

CherryMaDeara · 06/10/2023 11:53

What is he arguing about, OP? Is he saying you need to do laundry, change sheets, clean etc before they come?

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I think they are arguing because the OP doesn't want them to come at all because she knows from bitter experience that these tasks will fall to her.

Purplebunnie · 06/10/2023 12:11

MargotBamborough · 06/10/2023 07:19

Wait, this isn't your first baby?

So you have placenta previa and you're supposed to be resting but you have older children to take care of solo for 6 days while your husband is working away, and then the day he gets back your PIL and potentially BIL are all descending on you for the weekend?

Have I got that right?

Yeah, that'd be a hard no from me, but on the basis that it sounds like it's too late for that, it's definitely list of jobs time.

Do nothing while your husband is away. Absolutely nothing.

He washes and dries their bedsheets before he goes, and leaves the clean linen folded on their beds.

Text him two days before he's due back, tell him there's no food in the house and ask him to do an online shop before he gets back to make sure that there is enough for you all to eat, including whatever "foodie" stuff he plans to make for his parents over the weekend.

When they arrive, go to the door to greet them.

"So glad you're here to help, it's been hell with DH away for the whole week when I'm on doctor's orders to rest. MIL, can you please put the sheets on the beds? Oh and it might be a little dusty in there so if you wouldn't mind running the hoover around quickly first, that would be fab. FIL, DC1 really wants you to play Lego, and BIL, you drew the short straw, DC2 wants to play Barbies. DH will let you know if he needs help with anything else. Right, I'm off to bed now, doctor's orders! See you at lunch!"

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Genius

billy1966 · 06/10/2023 14:29

Op001 · 05/10/2023 22:33

I don’t have any parents to stay with sadly. Quite surprised that some people assume everyone does! I have neighbours and friends who can have my children if I need to rush to hospital while DH is away. Choosing/trying not to stress about it now. Sick of arguing about this with DH-he can have the visit and deal with them himself, including their changing plans. As mentioned in an earlier post, MIL has history of changing visiting plans without checking with me so not surprised at this at all. PIL are good people but very self-centred

So you already have a child with this awful man.

You poor woman.

Your relationship sounds abusive.

No decent man bullys his unwell pregnant wife whilst she minds another child and he travels.

Abusive, controlling men do.

I would strongly recommend you contact Women's aid for advice and support..

Is having another child with this awful man in yours and your existing childs best interests?

God help you.

Imisssleep2 · 07/10/2023 06:52

It's not fair of him to put pressure on you but if you will be eating out the whole time where is the stress? Maybe just let it happen and if you need to go nap/rest for an hour or so just excuse yourself and do it and let. You other half entertain them.

With regards to Xmas, I will be 36 weeks by then (first was born at 37 on his own accord), BIL is having an extension, SIL's house is tiny and MIL has back issues and doesn't want to host to for 11, so although I am not keen as I like what I like for Xmas dinner we have decided to eat out this year to remove the stress from everyone, the best choice for us this year. Maybe you could look at that as an option if Xmas comes up

MargotBamborough · 07/10/2023 06:53

Imisssleep2 · 07/10/2023 06:52

It's not fair of him to put pressure on you but if you will be eating out the whole time where is the stress? Maybe just let it happen and if you need to go nap/rest for an hour or so just excuse yourself and do it and let. You other half entertain them.

With regards to Xmas, I will be 36 weeks by then (first was born at 37 on his own accord), BIL is having an extension, SIL's house is tiny and MIL has back issues and doesn't want to host to for 11, so although I am not keen as I like what I like for Xmas dinner we have decided to eat out this year to remove the stress from everyone, the best choice for us this year. Maybe you could look at that as an option if Xmas comes up

They aren't going to be eating out. OP says they expect home cooked gourmet food which means her husband will be farting about in the kitchen and not doing anything else.

LemonPeonies · 07/10/2023 08:33

Ugh sounds familiar. My exH arranged his mum, sister and her 2 kids to stay a few nights while I was off sick with bronchitis and was sleeping sat up in a chair. They arrived in the morning expecting everything to be ready, no one had tidied the spare room/ made the bed etc/ got all the clothes out the spare room for them. I let rip! I usually did 100% of housework, cooking, hosting for HIM plus working full time as a nurse. They didn't get it, apparently I was crazy. So glad I don't have to put up with that shit anymore. Put your feet up OP and let your partner run around after them.

Imisssleep2 · 07/10/2023 08:39

There was also mention of takeaway and pub lunch, either just leave him to do it all or eat out, don't stress yourself

MargotBamborough · 07/10/2023 09:10

Imisssleep2 · 07/10/2023 08:39

There was also mention of takeaway and pub lunch, either just leave him to do it all or eat out, don't stress yourself

OP suggested these things and her husband vetoed them because apparently his foodie parents expect home cooking.

DisquietintheRanks · 07/10/2023 17:28

MargotBamborough · 07/10/2023 06:53

They aren't going to be eating out. OP says they expect home cooked gourmet food which means her husband will be farting about in the kitchen and not doing anything else.

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And so? If he wants to fart around in the kitchen then his parents will need to amuse themselves in a less than perfectly clean house. It is literally not the OP'S problem.

MargotBamborough · 07/10/2023 17:46

DisquietintheRanks · 07/10/2023 17:28

And so? If he wants to fart around in the kitchen then his parents will need to amuse themselves in a less than perfectly clean house. It is literally not the OP'S problem.

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I agree, although it seems the OP is having difficulty asserting herself. And it sounds like there are older children who might need looking after.

aloris · 07/10/2023 20:17

OP, in a prior post in this thread says that her in-laws have never offered to help with housework during previous pregnancies, so, yes, OP does have other children who would need to be looked after while her DH is making gourmet food.

Again, if her DH had picked another weekend that was NOT right after a work trip, this might work, as he would be around to prep and help with the other kids in the pre-visit time. But since he will be away right up until the visit, this means that OP will be doing all childcare while he is away with work, and then he will be occupied with prepping for, and hosting his parents. So this will make it more difficult for OP to rest.