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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Pregnant and don’t want to host in-laws-advice needed!

219 replies

Op001 · 02/10/2023 10:33

I am 18 weeks pregnant and don’t feel up to hosting overnight guests. Have placenta previa so supposed to be resting up.
DH is pushing for in-laws to stay for a weekend which is causing a lot of arguments. They have offered to come for just a day but DH not happy with this-accused me of not wanting him to spend time with his parents.
Suggestion of take away for dinner and then pub lunch led to another fight as DPs family are very “foodie”.
sick of arguing and stressing about it but don’t want to give in as it will be exhausting and the next pressure will be to host Xmas.

OP posts:
Ange211 · 03/10/2023 14:18

Sorry resting is only in quotation marks in case you’re up there hiding not to imply that you don’t need to rest but reading it back that’s how it looks! I

Nanny0gg · 03/10/2023 14:19

Muddywalks34 · 03/10/2023 10:38

Ok so changing bedding takes 10 minutes, unless your house is dirty then you don’t need to do any additional housework, he’s offered to do the cooking and you could always get an online food shop in which your husband can organise. My in laws also live 2 hours away, they are in their 70/80’s so I feel it’s too much for them to have a 4’hour drive in one day for the sake of sharing one meal together. Quite honestly though providing you like them it’s really not that much work at all and he’s offered to do the cooking and sure he would also clear up. Is the reluctance because you don’t like them very much? Would you happily have your own parents stay over? I think your making too big a deal of it, they are your husbands parents, it’s not that much effort to change the bed sheets and order some groceries on line.

Changing bedding isn't strenuous when you're normally fit and healthy. Pregnant and with placenta praevia I wouldn't be doing it.

They live 2 hours away. They could offer to meet at a really nice pub/restaurant if they're 'foodies' and then after everyone could go home

I don't understand why the OP is bottom of the priorities list

Nanny0gg · 03/10/2023 14:21

DemelzaandRoss · 03/10/2023 12:04

As long as your DH is willing to share chores then your ILs should be able to visit. If you have been told to stay on the sofa & not move then comply with these instructions.
I can see this from DH point of view. It could suspiciously look like an excuse not to see his parents. However, as others have said, as long as he is ok with entertaining & preparing etc then it should be fine.

If he thinks it looks like an 'excuse' then their both in a pretty shit relationship.

And his 'point of view' should be prioritising his pregnant wife!

Nanny0gg · 03/10/2023 14:22

WandaWonder · 03/10/2023 11:48

We do a little tidying but not spotless and I don't use pregnancy as an excuse for not having inlaws over, I can imagine the response if a woman parents wanted to come over and the husband came up with some reason to ban them

Show quote history

If her husband had a potentially serious pregnancy complication then he could say what he likes!

But he doesn't, and she does.

Nanny0gg · 03/10/2023 14:24

Clarabeans · 03/10/2023 08:57

Sometimes it does feel a bit like a parallel universe on here. Presumably your ILs know you’re pregnant? Can’t you just text them or call them to explain, your DH is working away up until the point they’re due to arrive, you’re supposed to be resting so if they must come that weekend could they make up their bed/excuse the messy house/excuse you if you go to bed early? Or can they come a different weekend? My ILs have been to stay whilst I’ve been pregnant and had bad sickness and I just went up to bed early, I think they enjoyed the time with DH.

If not why can’t DH go to visit them? A 4 hour round trip is a lot of driving in one day especially for elderly people I can see why they want to stay and I can see why you DH wants to accommodate them, they are his parents.

Depends how 'elderly'

My nearly 80 year old DH could do that without a problem

Gmary20 · 03/10/2023 14:38

People are saying 'let him host' as if we live in an ideal world where he would actually do that. The reality is (from my experience), even with the best intentions he will man ran the house, forget to get the most important shopping and cock up dinner so you'll end up having to do it all anyway, or risk being embarrassed by a dirty house and poor food. The reality is also that guests always judge the woman not the man on these things. Maybe agree to it but say you want him to pay a cleaner to do a deep clean a few days before? My mother and sister inaw are coming to stay 2 weeks afte ri give birth to my baby next month 🤦🏼‍♀️ I've told my fiance he needs to hire a cleaner because I will not be doing any housework.

MargotBamborough · 03/10/2023 14:56

Gmary20 · 03/10/2023 14:38

People are saying 'let him host' as if we live in an ideal world where he would actually do that. The reality is (from my experience), even with the best intentions he will man ran the house, forget to get the most important shopping and cock up dinner so you'll end up having to do it all anyway, or risk being embarrassed by a dirty house and poor food. The reality is also that guests always judge the woman not the man on these things. Maybe agree to it but say you want him to pay a cleaner to do a deep clean a few days before? My mother and sister inaw are coming to stay 2 weeks afte ri give birth to my baby next month 🤦🏼‍♀️ I've told my fiance he needs to hire a cleaner because I will not be doing any housework.

If her parents in law want to judge their pregnant daughter in law rather than the son they raised for the state of the house and the quality of the catering, that's on them.

aloris · 03/10/2023 15:21

MargotBamborough · 03/10/2023 14:56

If her parents in law want to judge their pregnant daughter in law rather than the son they raised for the state of the house and the quality of the catering, that's on them.

Show quote history

I guess. But plenty of women on here have judged the OP for not wanting to host because they think placenta previa is an "excuse." You would think other women would be OP's biggest defenders, but nope. In reality, the "truth" of a situation (placenta previa is a life-threatening medical condition where doctors advice should actually be followed) is often irrelevant when it contradicts the opinions of people in a social group who have social power. The in-laws here have social power because they are the parents of the husband. The husband has social power because he's the intimate partner of OP, and also because he's the one who is not pregnant and doesn't have placenta previa.

MargotBamborough · 03/10/2023 15:27

aloris · 03/10/2023 15:21

I guess. But plenty of women on here have judged the OP for not wanting to host because they think placenta previa is an "excuse." You would think other women would be OP's biggest defenders, but nope. In reality, the "truth" of a situation (placenta previa is a life-threatening medical condition where doctors advice should actually be followed) is often irrelevant when it contradicts the opinions of people in a social group who have social power. The in-laws here have social power because they are the parents of the husband. The husband has social power because he's the intimate partner of OP, and also because he's the one who is not pregnant and doesn't have placenta previa.

Show quote history

I agree. It's a shame that so many women on this thread aren't giving the OP the validation she needs, i.e. that it is OK to put her foot down on this issue, OK to say the visit isn't convenient, OK to insist that her husband does all the work and OK to go and rest in another room rather than being constantly on duty when his parents are here.

OhYeahOhYeah · 03/10/2023 18:57

Op001 · 02/10/2023 10:44

He’s away working until the morning they arrive so the beds, laundry cleaning are on me. He’ll do the cooking. They also have a history of arriving early and staying longer than stated. I do want them to come but don’t see why it can’t be for the day. They live 2 hrs drive away

Hard no in that case. Either that, or take to your bed for three days lol

ImustLearn2Cook · 04/10/2023 09:20

FictionalCharacter · 03/10/2023 14:09

It’s really sad to see people (including the DH here) calling a pregnancy with dangerous complications an “excuse” to not play host.

If someone who isn’t pregnant had a haemorrhage of some kind and had been told to be careful and rest, because the next bleed would result in them being admitted to hospital, people wouldn’t be calling that an excuse. We’ve become so used to chanting “pregnancy isn’t an illness” (because we’ve correctly moved on from the idea that pregnant women are fragile, and should be resting even if they are fit and healthy), that we seem to have lost awareness that SOME women have complications and these can be dangerous to mother and baby.

@FictionalCharacter I absolutely love that you posted this. Thank you.

ImustLearn2Cook · 04/10/2023 09:30

I really can’t see any reason why @Op001 husband couldn’t reschedule the visit. If my husband was unwell (and it wouldn’t even have to be life threatening) I would be very understanding of his needs. And I would reschedule.

Why are women’s needs dismissed and regarded as inconsequential?

FictionalCharacter · 04/10/2023 09:57

aloris · 03/10/2023 15:21

I guess. But plenty of women on here have judged the OP for not wanting to host because they think placenta previa is an "excuse." You would think other women would be OP's biggest defenders, but nope. In reality, the "truth" of a situation (placenta previa is a life-threatening medical condition where doctors advice should actually be followed) is often irrelevant when it contradicts the opinions of people in a social group who have social power. The in-laws here have social power because they are the parents of the husband. The husband has social power because he's the intimate partner of OP, and also because he's the one who is not pregnant and doesn't have placenta previa.

Show quote history

Very very true. Social power trumps almost everything else.

Rachykins · 04/10/2023 10:56

Urghh, his attitude is an insight into how he will treat you once baby is here. Poor him, it’s not fair his parents can’t stay for 1 bloody year when you’re pregnant and dealing with enough worry and stress as it is. Honestly; I personally think it’s reasonable enough to not want to host regardless of being pregnant 😂 I hate having people stay in my home. I’m a private person at home, I like my own space and would absolutely hate my in laws staying. I don’t think I’d even want my own parents staying either so it’s not just a his parents vs my parents thing. Equally… I don’t enjoy staying at his parents as again- I like my own space when relaxing.

it sounds like your OH is being a bit of a man child about it all. I personally, think you’re well within your rights to put your foot down and explain that you don’t feel like hosting right now at 18 weeks and that you’re even more likely to feel rubbish and unable to host by the time Christmas comes around. It’s just 1 year- you’re having a baby for godsake, why can’t he just put your first whilst you’re feeling so vulnerable.

billy1966 · 04/10/2023 12:16

How a man treats you when you are ill, pregnant and vulnerable is a HUGE tell IMO.

That he would call you "mean" in these circumstances is very troubling and should be a HUGE red flag in your relationship.

Please keep family and friends close as I have no doubt having displayed such poor regard for you and your well being this early in your pregnancy, you ARE going to need them.

Such unkindness and disregard in my experience is never in isolation OP.

It is part of a pattern of behaviour that invariably leaves women very isolated and vulnerable with a new baby.

Mind yourself OP.

Don't dismiss his disregard of you at this time.

Crazydonkeylady · 04/10/2023 19:09

You need to rest. It’s dangerous for you and baby otherwise. I’m sure your ob gyn or midwife would back this up. It would be fine if he was planning to shop, clean, change beds, cook etc but you’ve said he is away until they arrive. This is not reasonable of him at all. He’s putting you at risk. He will need to either change his travel plans to accommodate or ask them to come later when he’s had time to get organised.

clarehhh · 05/10/2023 07:53

Get him to clean, make bed the weekend before. He can then concentrate on cooking on the weekend they come.

Marylaurence · 05/10/2023 12:13

Placenta praevia is not nothing. If you don’t rest it can be serious. So you need to rest.
Either your husband does all the work for his parents visit or it doesn’t happen.

Mumto6ac · 05/10/2023 13:01

You’re 18 weeks pregnant, not sick & it’s one weekend. Just tell DH that he will need to do everything for them & also to tell them that if you need to go for a lie down they’ll need to excuse you.

Nanny0gg · 05/10/2023 13:03

Any update @Op001 ? Or are we all frothing into the ether?

(Do talk to your in-laws as they are happy to come for the day, bypass your eejit husband altogether)

Original poster
Op001 · 05/10/2023 14:31

Have sent a message to MIL explaining DH has promised to do organising and cooking. She responded by saying BIL may be joining them for the visit one or both days. Took a deep breath and replied that DH is organising so she’ll have to check with him - I’ll be there for the weekend but arrangements are up to DH not me, so she needs to arrange with him directly.
I’ve delegated mental load to him as well as the work. I will keep reminding I’m following doctors orders and resting up. Trying to stay zen!

OP posts:
MargotBamborough · 05/10/2023 14:36

Op001 · 05/10/2023 14:31

Have sent a message to MIL explaining DH has promised to do organising and cooking. She responded by saying BIL may be joining them for the visit one or both days. Took a deep breath and replied that DH is organising so she’ll have to check with him - I’ll be there for the weekend but arrangements are up to DH not me, so she needs to arrange with him directly.
I’ve delegated mental load to him as well as the work. I will keep reminding I’m following doctors orders and resting up. Trying to stay zen!

Er... are you OK with there now being three visitors?

This is your home. Your MIL shouldn't be informing you that there may be another visitor, especially in response to you saying you aren't up to organising or cooking.

Crazydonkeylady · 05/10/2023 14:37

Take to your bed. You’re meant to rest with PP. just leave them to it the whole time. Maybe it’ll make them realise how serious it is.

DisforDarkChocolate · 05/10/2023 14:50

Your message obviously didn't convey your need for rest strongly enough or your MIL would never have responded that way. Unless she's like the people on this thread who think you're being dramatic.

thing47 · 05/10/2023 15:30

'As I say, MIL, you'll need to discuss all that with DH. I am under doctor's orders to take it very, very easy at the moment and get lots of rest. I'm sure you'll understand that that means I won't be rushing around getting people food or drinks. You may also find the house messier than usual as I'm not meant to be doing housework and your son is away all week with work.'

Then having lowered their expectations you can take a deep breath and do as little as you feel able to. As I said in a PP I have experience of severe placenta previa – rest really does mean rest.

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