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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Pregnant and don’t want to host in-laws-advice needed!

219 replies

Op001 · 02/10/2023 10:33

I am 18 weeks pregnant and don’t feel up to hosting overnight guests. Have placenta previa so supposed to be resting up.
DH is pushing for in-laws to stay for a weekend which is causing a lot of arguments. They have offered to come for just a day but DH not happy with this-accused me of not wanting him to spend time with his parents.
Suggestion of take away for dinner and then pub lunch led to another fight as DPs family are very “foodie”.
sick of arguing and stressing about it but don’t want to give in as it will be exhausting and the next pressure will be to host Xmas.

OP posts:
NalafromtheLionKing · 03/10/2023 07:29

MargotBamborough · 03/10/2023 07:00

And if he won't rearrange the visit, it is vitally important that you DO NOTHING.

Tell him you will be doing nothing, so he can't say you didn't warn him, and then do nothing.

Let him come back from his 6 days of working away to find a full laundry basket, the carpets unhoovered and the beds unmade. Let him sort it.

Have a cup of tea in the kitchen with his parents while he is sorting it.

I agree with this. Give him advance warning (beginning of weekend before he goes away) to sort the beds and laundry before he goes and, if he doesn’t, it won’t kill the in-laws to be in a messy house and with unmade beds.

You will be in bed when they arrive and, if there are any snarky comments, just say that you are on bed rest due to strict doctors’ orders as another bleed could cause you to lose the baby and you asked DH to sort it.

rwalker · 03/10/2023 07:31

I don’t get the drama there family to me take me as you find me
DH is away your on your own there can’t be any monumental amount if cleaning to do if any
they can ether do there own bed or DH does it
let DH sort food
just be honest with them say be great to see you but not feeling that 100% so may have a bit of a low profile hope you don’t think I’m being rude
and leave them to it

CoreopsisEverywhere · 03/10/2023 07:32

I think you should let them come but literally do nothing so that they understand how serious this is.

dh should prepare everything the weekend or one evening before they come. You pick and choose the bits that you wan to do and can disappear for bed rest for much of it. it shouldn’t be exhausting for you if managed correctly.

frazzledasarock · 03/10/2023 07:33

Slightly bemused at all these medical experts we seem to have on this thread, declaring OP ‘precious’. And contradicting her own doctors advice, who knows her medical history and has examined her and spent many years studying and practicing obgyn.

But yeah OP please disregard your doctors advice and listen the armchair enthusiasts who heard of someone with your condition once 🙄. And it doesn’t matter if you’ve got placenta previa and went down the mines everyday till two minutes before you gave birth either.
The point is OP’s doctors have told her she needs bed rest or will be hospitalised, she’s had bleeds.

I wouldn’t do Christmas at your IL’s either, I doubt your consultant will be happy that you're two hours away from your hospital, placenta previa is not to be messed with especially late in pregnancy. And not if you’ve had bleeds.

Does your husband generally disregard your health and well-being in favour of his wants?

CoreopsisEverywhere · 03/10/2023 07:34

a visit should also helpfully get the message across that you won’t be hosting Christmas

electriclight · 03/10/2023 07:43

They ANBU to want to see their son, and it sounds as if their son also wants to see them.

I don't think it's fair to expect 'very elderly' parents to do a four hour round trip in a day, so an overnight stay is the only option really and you can't expect them to stay away for the entire duration of your pregnancy.

I would make it clear to dh that you will be resting and he will have to do the hosting, and his parents will have to lower their expectations.

If dh being away immediately before their visit prohibits his ability to clean, make their bed up, go shopping for meals then it will have to be another weekend.

I know that my dp would never stop my parents from visiting if I wanted them to come, I wouldn't stand for it.

DreamItDoIt · 03/10/2023 07:48

Why is there always the expectation that the woman does all the prep and running around and why, generally, to women feel
It is on them? Men just seem to assume this and that's where it's all wrong.

If women went into relationships with the thought process that the house is a joint responsibility and hosting/organising/running the show is down to the persons whose family it is, then this would be simple.

There was no need for arguments in this case. All that needed to be said was 'given what the doctor has said I need to rest as much as possible, I don't feel up to visitors but understand if you want to see your parents'. Then shut up and carry on as normal, no need to explain that you won't be organising everything. The onus is on him to organise/take the lead. This should be assumed and he should just do it. If he kicks off then the question is this - why did he think you would do it? He needs to reflect on that and show some respect to you and his parents.

DisquietintheRanks · 03/10/2023 07:51

There is no problem here. You rest, he hosts. And that includes cleaning and pushing a hoover around. 4 hours is a lot of driving in a day so I can see why he's not keen on that but him being away with work for 6 days doesn't mean he can't make up a bed and clean the bathroom on the 7th.

Mamai90 · 03/10/2023 07:56

Slightly off topic but can you have placenta previa at 18 weeks? I thought it wasn't considered to be previa unless it's previa when checked at 32 weeks because most move well out of the way?

I'm not trying to be arsey, my placenta was recorded as low lying at the 20 week scan and I'm having a scan at 32 weeks. They didn't mention doing anything differently and I'm sorry I didn't ask just how close to the os it was.

My placenta was also low in my last pregnancy but it did move and I'd no issues but I had a c section last time which can make it less likely to move this time around.

Mamai90 · 03/10/2023 07:58

Sorry, I just read your updates.

Newestname002 · 03/10/2023 08:03

@Op001

He’s away working until the morning they arrive so the beds, laundry cleaning are on me.

Then this doesn't work for you. Or he can do all this prep before he goes plus orders all the food online for delivery the morning he arrives home from his trip. 🌹

Olika · 03/10/2023 08:08

Just tell him you are happy for his parents to come but he needs to do all the work. Ask how he is planning on doing everything when he is away until that morning. If he is not able to give you an answer then tell him to arrange another weekend. Sorted.

Newnamefor23 · 03/10/2023 08:11

Op001 · 02/10/2023 10:44

He’s away working until the morning they arrive so the beds, laundry cleaning are on me. He’ll do the cooking. They also have a history of arriving early and staying longer than stated. I do want them to come but don’t see why it can’t be for the day. They live 2 hrs drive away

He could do all the beds, laundry etc before he goes away to work.

same for extra shopping.

Sow the seeds that you have been told to rest/put feet up because of pregnancy medical complications. AND that you will be putting feet up.

Sleepimpossible · 03/10/2023 08:23

Your health and that of your baby are priority and you should absolutely not be doing any extra work to prepare for visitors, especially given that your husband will have been away before they arrive. I guess the point is it’s all about whether you see your in- laws as guests or family.
i’m a dreaded in law and I’d be doing all the bed changing, shopping and cooking myself so that you could rest, or just coming for the day and bringing food/ taking you all out.

Zanatdy · 03/10/2023 08:24

Well he can bloody cook if they are too foodie to go out for food and get a takeaway

Mamai90 · 03/10/2023 08:35

OP i just want to add that your DH is being an insensitive arsehole!

If you've already had bleeds and have been told to rest then it's really important that you do. I'd honestly lose all respect for my DH if he was pressuring me into this!

Casdentwo · 03/10/2023 08:41

Can I ask would you react the same if it was your parents not his ?

MargotBamborough · 03/10/2023 08:47

Casdentwo · 03/10/2023 08:41

Can I ask would you react the same if it was your parents not his ?

I imagine she would feel more able to tell her own parents it wasn't convenient, or to ask them to make their own beds up and muck in with the housework.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 03/10/2023 08:55

How is he actually proposing that you host and get your medically advised bed rest?

If he has a solution (as in he will do the laundry, his parents can put the bed sheets on / strip the bed, he will shop and cook), you can leave out tea making stuff for his parents to sort themselces and you don't need to do any extra work then that's fine

If he is actually proposing that you ignore medical advice to facilitate a relationship between him and his parents then he is effectively saying his parents are more important than you being in hospital...which isn't nice

Clarabeans · 03/10/2023 08:57

Sometimes it does feel a bit like a parallel universe on here. Presumably your ILs know you’re pregnant? Can’t you just text them or call them to explain, your DH is working away up until the point they’re due to arrive, you’re supposed to be resting so if they must come that weekend could they make up their bed/excuse the messy house/excuse you if you go to bed early? Or can they come a different weekend? My ILs have been to stay whilst I’ve been pregnant and had bad sickness and I just went up to bed early, I think they enjoyed the time with DH.

If not why can’t DH go to visit them? A 4 hour round trip is a lot of driving in one day especially for elderly people I can see why they want to stay and I can see why you DH wants to accommodate them, they are his parents.

rainbowstardrops · 03/10/2023 09:04

As he's away for 6 days before, I'd definitely tell him to reschedule their visit for when he's going to be here to do everything needed.

Does he understand how serious your condition is? I'd be pretty pissed off that he was putting a visit ahead of the health and safely of his wife and unborn baby.

Justcallmebebes · 03/10/2023 09:04

spitefulandbadgrammar · 03/10/2023 07:04

Calm down, Mystic Meg

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Grin
crumblingschools · 03/10/2023 09:10

Why do they have to come that particular weekend?

Will you be okay looking after the household whilst he is away? Does he understand your condition?

Nanny0gg · 03/10/2023 09:12

OnAir · 02/10/2023 22:00

This is really interesting because I have placenta previa currently 30 weeks. I've only been told once by a consultant that I can't go to work anymore due to the type of job I do, but other than that I've been carrying on like normal. Walking miles on days out, going to theme parks with the kids (not on the rides obviously) hosted a couple of dinner parties, walk the dog, wash the car, I do my housework everyday because I've pretty much got nothing better to do at the moment I've even decorated the house. I'm planning a deep clean before baby is here this was me taking it easy maybe not easy enough.

Show quote history

No. That isn't taking it easy at all.

Do you not think you should?

OnAir · 03/10/2023 09:21

Well It wasn't until reading this thread that I've even considered that I've been over doing things, I'm doing less than I was 10 weeks ago. This is only the tip of the iceberg if you knew what I was doing up until 20 weeks lol. I just had no idea that it was such a risk. I don't think my partner realises either he does tell me to slow down but only since I've been massively pregnant. Maybe ops partner doesn't realise.