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AIBU?

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Original poster

Pregnant and don’t want to host in-laws-advice needed!

219 replies

Op001 · 02/10/2023 10:33

I am 18 weeks pregnant and don’t feel up to hosting overnight guests. Have placenta previa so supposed to be resting up.
DH is pushing for in-laws to stay for a weekend which is causing a lot of arguments. They have offered to come for just a day but DH not happy with this-accused me of not wanting him to spend time with his parents.
Suggestion of take away for dinner and then pub lunch led to another fight as DPs family are very “foodie”.
sick of arguing and stressing about it but don’t want to give in as it will be exhausting and the next pressure will be to host Xmas.

OP posts:
aloris · 03/10/2023 04:59

GingerIsBest · 02/10/2023 21:42

Not about the placenta praaevia! Grin I think OP is being a bit precious about a flat no. But I also said that her DH should do all the work and she should feel free to wander off whenever she feels like it!

I had a placenta praaevia myself and a very difficult pregnancy, so I'm not unsympathetic.

But he's going to be out of town all week. Even if he makes the beds before he leaves town, someone will still need to clean before the in-laws come. Also if I remember rightly, OP said that in-laws did not help with cleaning for any of the other times she was pregnant either (i.e. in response to suggestions from other posters that the in-laws could help tidy up) which indicates that OP also has other children to look after. So it wouldn't just be cleaning up in advance of the in-laws coming, it would be doing all that in addition to looking after her other children.

I think there's also the fact that when you have a DH who oversteps a bit, allowing your boundary to be soft and arguable (rather than making a flat "no") can lead to situations where you keep being pushed into more and more and more until something goes wrong. Then you are told "Well why didn't you just say no in the first place?" OP is trying to say "no" and I think it's fair for her to do that because she knows her husband best.

Tara24 · 03/10/2023 05:14

I think you're being precious. Presumably if your condition means you can't make a bed or clean for the next 5 months, then you have arrangements in place already for those things ?

As long as it's understood by all that you won't be up to doing certain things, then I don't see why your DH shouldn't be able to have his parents to stay.
Ie, take aways or eating out, DH or ILs to make their own bed.

You don't need to be laying on a 5 star hotel experience.

Justcallmebebes · 03/10/2023 05:41

Beware Kharma. That's all I have to say

Lastchancechica · 03/10/2023 05:42

You have a SERIOUS medical condition.
WTAH

Why is his parents visit more important than yours and baby’s health?

It would an absolute hard and firm no from me and I would be reassessing my relationship. He is not prioritising your health and more to the point safety whatsoever.

user1492757084 · 03/10/2023 05:54

Agree to the visit, and agree that your spouse will do everything to host his parents.
You contact his mother and explain that you are unable to attend to any of the normal hosting duties due to your health needs on doctors orders. Therefore her son will be responsible for making up beds etc and, given that he is working away, ask her and her husband to be prepared to pitch in and help.

Say that you are sorry that you can not be expending energy or becoming stressed and that they should not to be offended when you need to go and rest.

Be confident in your own communication with them.
Arguing with your husband is pointless and stressful.

Be cool; do your own thing while they are visiting.
After they have left assess whether husband kept to his word. Give him a week to completely tidy up, washing etc.

He might do great and Christmas could be a goer, or not ..

WiddlinDiddlin · 03/10/2023 05:57

You've been told to rest and not risk another bleed... Does your DH actually understand how serious this might be? I am not convinced he does!

Hoovering, cleaning, making beds, carrying piles of laundry around are definitely not 'rest'.

He can sort the beds before he goes. Or when he gets in, they're not coming in and straight to bed, and if they need a nap, they're obviously capable of making their own bed at home so, direct them to the airing cupboard.

Get a cleaner in whilst he's away (I mean he should offer this but as its you letting them in its likely to suit you more to organise when!).

Lastchancechica · 03/10/2023 05:58

I love the fact even on here pp are totally disregarding your health like it is irrelevant…

Anothershitusername · 03/10/2023 06:04

I love my in-laws coming up
means I get a clean house
i used to run round getting the house ready for the queen..but she would always find a cobweb and point it out ,he gave me marks out of ten for how clean it was.
so I just stopped
husband now has to do it ..well he doesn’t have to ,but as I’m not ,he does .
wish I’d done this years ago ,would of saved my mental health

Anothershitusername · 03/10/2023 06:07

You need to take a stand now ..
don’t end up like me
back from hospital 10 minutes with dc 4 and I’m making everyone cups of tea .I just carried running round after them ..fucking idiot I was .

Mummyoflittledragon · 03/10/2023 06:32

Codlingmoths · 02/10/2023 21:41

Oh my goodness no way. Tell your dh if something happened because you did the beds etc against doctors advice your marriage would be over instantly, so you are saving your marriage by saying absolutely not. Phone his parents in front of him and say they are welcome to come for the day, you’ll apologise for any mess as Dh is away and you are keeping very quiet on doctors orders, so you also can’t make beds etc and have them stay, but it will be lovely to see them. Dh will be doing all cooking and if he can’t it will have to be takeaway or a pub.
say all that on the phone in front of him, tell him your marriage would be over instantly if baby were put at risk because he is pressuring you to act against doctors orders so if this is going to be a theme he should pack his bag to have it ready, notice that now your parents know they aren’t going to be dicks enough to pressure you, he seems to be the only one prepared to risk you and your baby, then go to rest/watch tv in bed.

This is really good advice. If they want to stay over that’s fine. You will go to a hotel for the duration of their visit. But you’d love to see them so perhaps it would be best if they stay in a hotel rather than you. A 4 hour drive for elderly people is a big ask so I’m not surprised they want to stay over.

EarlGreywithLemon · 03/10/2023 06:39

OnAir · 02/10/2023 22:00

This is really interesting because I have placenta previa currently 30 weeks. I've only been told once by a consultant that I can't go to work anymore due to the type of job I do, but other than that I've been carrying on like normal. Walking miles on days out, going to theme parks with the kids (not on the rides obviously) hosted a couple of dinner parties, walk the dog, wash the car, I do my housework everyday because I've pretty much got nothing better to do at the moment I've even decorated the house. I'm planning a deep clean before baby is here this was me taking it easy maybe not easy enough.

Show quote history

Iit depends how severe your placenta praevia is. A friend had complete placenta praevia - the placenta covers the uterus completely, and she wasn’t allowed to as much as take a load of laundry out. Gentle walking for short distances and lots of rest - that’s it. She also wasn’t supposed to be anywhere further than 10 minutes from a hospital, and had to have her notes with her at all times in case she was taken in in an emergency. I.e. she had her notes with her if she popped out for coffee.

MargotBamborough · 03/10/2023 06:47

Op001 · 02/10/2023 13:44

They are quite elderly and have never offered help with housework during previous pregnancies so don’t expect them to start now! DH is away 6 days and nights prior to them arriving.
it’s not that I’m just “tired” but following doctors advice to limit activity as another bleed would mean being admitted to hospital.

Tell him to rearrange the visit for a weekend when he is actually there the day before and has time to adequately prepare for their visit because you have placenta previa and need to rest.

If he keeps bullying you, sit down with him and have a frank discussion about how he is going to support you after the birth. Set out your expectations now.

You need to be his priority. Not his parents. He's welcome to host them during your pregnancy and (a reasonable time) after the baby has arrived, but he does all the work and he also needs to look after you.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 03/10/2023 06:58

Op001 · 02/10/2023 10:44

He’s away working until the morning they arrive so the beds, laundry cleaning are on me. He’ll do the cooking. They also have a history of arriving early and staying longer than stated. I do want them to come but don’t see why it can’t be for the day. They live 2 hrs drive away

He can do the prep before he goes away or hire in a cleaner

RoseWrites · 03/10/2023 06:59

YANBU at all

You need to rest and look after yourself.

Me and my husband have this conversation all the time... but after 8 years of hideous visits and me running around like an idiot, including pregnant and v. Post partum, DH now knows it's a hard no from me unless he does everything. He doesn't want to do that so he is quicker to relent.

I might be projecting, but for me, the worst thing was not feeling listened to by my DH. I used to get angry/cry/stay calm, and he wouldn't seem to hear what I was saying. I found that really hard, particularly when pregnant/a few days post partum and needing to rest. I hated having to hide in my bedroom when I needed a break.

Good luck and sorry you're not being unsupported x

Original poster
Op001 · 03/10/2023 06:59

I expect advice depends on whether you have bled already (I have), whether pp is marginal, partial or complete and varies from dr to dr. Lots of differing advice online so best thing is to go with what your dr tells you which will be based on your specific condition

OP posts:
MargotBamborough · 03/10/2023 07:00

And if he won't rearrange the visit, it is vitally important that you DO NOTHING.

Tell him you will be doing nothing, so he can't say you didn't warn him, and then do nothing.

Let him come back from his 6 days of working away to find a full laundry basket, the carpets unhoovered and the beds unmade. Let him sort it.

Have a cup of tea in the kitchen with his parents while he is sorting it.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 03/10/2023 07:01

FloweryName · 02/10/2023 12:12

Yabu. Your partner is allowed to have is parents stay in his home if he wants.

it would be fair for you to control who stays very late in your pregnancy and when you have a newborn, but pregnancy doesn’t mean you get to dictate everything in your home.

It does if hosting them stops her resting

spitefulandbadgrammar · 03/10/2023 07:04

Justcallmebebes · 03/10/2023 05:41

Beware Kharma. That's all I have to say

Calm down, Mystic Meg

renthead · 03/10/2023 07:05

Sorry I think you're being ridiculous. Placenta previa at 18 weeks is not an indication for "resting up". There is no formal advice that would say this at such an early gestation. You just don't want them to stay!! Which is fine, but I think you need to admit and own that.

MargotBamborough · 03/10/2023 07:09

renthead · 03/10/2023 07:05

Sorry I think you're being ridiculous. Placenta previa at 18 weeks is not an indication for "resting up". There is no formal advice that would say this at such an early gestation. You just don't want them to stay!! Which is fine, but I think you need to admit and own that.

Placenta previa at any point in pregnancy is an indication for following the advice of your doctor, not randoms on the internet.

But for what it's worth, my advice would have been "let him host his parents and let him do all the work" even if she had said she was just tired and didn't want to host.

EarlGreywithLemon · 03/10/2023 07:11

Covers the cervix, not the uterus

EarlGreywithLemon · 03/10/2023 07:17

renthead · 03/10/2023 07:05

Sorry I think you're being ridiculous. Placenta previa at 18 weeks is not an indication for "resting up". There is no formal advice that would say this at such an early gestation. You just don't want them to stay!! Which is fine, but I think you need to admit and own that.

Erm, yes it can be. Depends on severity.

Longtimelurkerfinallyposts · 03/10/2023 07:21

The OP mentioned previous pregnancies - does this mean she's already got multiple children to care for while her DH goes away to work for a week at a time?!
Whether or not his parents are coming to visit, has there been any conversation about the work involved in cooking/ cleaning up for the existing children? what ages are they? are they old enough to help themselves?
We also heard that the ILs have a habit of turning up 'early'... i think they need to be told firmly to only arrive at the time arranged with their son, after he is definitely home from work, as the OP may well be resting in bed and unable to answer the door before then.

Comtesse · 03/10/2023 07:22

Well he’ll have to clean like mad the weekend before, maybe make up the spare bed too, and make something delicious that can be stashed in the freezer. If it’s only you in the house then that would probably work.

Other than that it’s the wrong weekend. Yanbu Flowers

TheaBrandt · 03/10/2023 07:26

Why doesn’t he just go to them? Obvious solution surely? Why drag you into it? Would you insist in him socialising with your patents if he was ill? He’s their son and you’re not well.