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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Pregnant and don’t want to host in-laws-advice needed!

219 replies

Op001 · 02/10/2023 10:33

I am 18 weeks pregnant and don’t feel up to hosting overnight guests. Have placenta previa so supposed to be resting up.
DH is pushing for in-laws to stay for a weekend which is causing a lot of arguments. They have offered to come for just a day but DH not happy with this-accused me of not wanting him to spend time with his parents.
Suggestion of take away for dinner and then pub lunch led to another fight as DPs family are very “foodie”.
sick of arguing and stressing about it but don’t want to give in as it will be exhausting and the next pressure will be to host Xmas.

OP posts:

Natty13 · 02/10/2023 11:55

I love having my in laws to stay. Partly because they are great company but mainly because I do absolutely nothing for them coming. Nothing whatsoever. Unless my DH does it for my family coming to stay, I don't do it for his. Resentments kill relationships so we agreed long ago we wouldn't get in situations where one of us resents the other or our sides of the family.

Goldbar · 02/10/2023 11:57

Just let him know he needs to clean and make the spare bed up before he leaves for whatever work he's away with, because you won't be doing anything. I'd also be resting up in bed as much as I felt like, in your position.

He should be able to have guests in his own home, but he should do the work for them and you shouldn't feel pressured to spend the whole weekend with them.

whattttttodo · 02/10/2023 12:02

The problem is you have a condition which means you need to rest. Tell him they can come but he has to organise everything. He can do it before his work trip. And message in-laws and ask them Otto come early as you won't be there

Blueeyes13 · 02/10/2023 12:03

Let them come as long as DH does all the prep, hosting, cooking etc. It's exhausting just having extra people around when you're not well yourself. Also, make sure he knows that they won't be coming to stay/visit as soon as the baby is born. When I look back at how we spent the first few days with our newborn and PILs visiting, I think we must have been out of our minds.

Nevermind31 · 02/10/2023 12:10

He can sort all that when they are here. Tell him he needs to be home when they arrive; you need to rest to protect the baby. Then spend the weekend in bed and he can organise everything.

Sweetpeasaremadeforbees · 02/10/2023 12:10

They have offered to come for just a day but DH not happy with this-accused me of not wanting him to spend time with his parents.

Have you asked him why he appears to care more about his parents than his pregnant wife? Honestly, nip this in the bud now.

guild · 02/10/2023 12:12

Whataretheodds · 02/10/2023 10:42

Agree with both posters above.

"Yes of course dear that will be lovely. You know where the cleaning gear, and spare bedding and towels are. Let me know what time you'll plan to have dinner ready so I can be up from my nap."

Totally agree with this and other pp. If he REALLY wants it to happen, he can make it happen.

FloweryName · 02/10/2023 12:12

Yabu. Your partner is allowed to have is parents stay in his home if he wants.

it would be fair for you to control who stays very late in your pregnancy and when you have a newborn, but pregnancy doesn’t mean you get to dictate everything in your home.

GrumpyPanda · 02/10/2023 12:15

Op001 · 02/10/2023 10:44

He’s away working until the morning they arrive so the beds, laundry cleaning are on me. He’ll do the cooking. They also have a history of arriving early and staying longer than stated. I do want them to come but don’t see why it can’t be for the day. They live 2 hrs drive away

He can do the laundry the weekend before and either make the beds then or just hand his parents the sheets on arrival.

Regarding length of stay, four hours round trip in one day doesn't sound a lot of fun, so I'd cut them some slack on the overnight. If you want them gone early/on time on the second day, either woman up and be blunt, or excuse yourself to go for a nap/change into pjs.

ActDottie · 02/10/2023 12:25

Can you book a last minute hotel to escape to with a spa and just spend the weekend chilling out?

mindutopia · 02/10/2023 12:35

He needs to arrange for them to come at a time that he can be available to sort them out. I have a rule that I do absolutely no prep for dh's houseguests now. I don't do a bit of cleaning or sorting of bedding. I will sometimes do the shopping and I do the cooking (because it means I can avoid having to interact with any of them). But if dh wants people over, then he takes the time off work to sort out the house the day before and be available for them when they arrive. I'm not running a hotel. If he wants them to come, then he has to be home for at least a day to do the cleaning and sorting out of bedding and do the food shopping, so he needs to plan his AL accordingly. Or you take yourself off to visit your family for the weekend and leave them to it. I don't often go away overnight, but I do often make weekend plans for when dh invites people over, so that I'm not stuck entertaining them all weekend. I just get on with my plans and leave him to it.

cheddercherry · 02/10/2023 12:42

Well you’ve got a condition that can be dangerous for you and the baby you’re not just “tired” as some posters are sweepingly saying so yeah, I’d not be risking anything if I’d been told to rest. The fact you’re clearly het up at the thought and you’ve had arguments probably shows it’s not going to be a breezy visit as there’s already issues.

He can surely prep for them coming the night before and deal with the laundry if he’s insisting and you can dip in and out of socialising if and when you feel able. Bottom line is you have been told this is what you and baby need to do, baby isn’t in control of what stress you are put under so it’s your job to advocate for both of you and tbh you’re husband is being a bit of a prick if he’s pushing it knowing your current condition while not offering any solutions that don’t put all work on you.

If he doesn’t do the prep then don’t pick up the slack and if his parents arrive I’m sure they’re more than capable of putting on a sheet themselves or waiting for their son to do it. If that’s an issue in your current circumstances for any of those adults then tbh you have my sympathies. I say this as someone who had a major bleed and subsequent bedrest mid pregnancy, we had relatives that came from a distance who were more than happy to stay with other family members, and when they did pop over they insisted on me not getting up etc. They understood the priority is the child everyone obviously wants to arrive safely, not their taste in a certain level of cuisine or the trial of making a bed for one night. It won’t kill them, but the stress obviously isn’t so great for you or baby. I know who I’d be more bothered about offending.

Olika · 02/10/2023 12:44

CoffeeBeansGalore · 02/10/2023 11:54

Of course I'm not stopping you from seeing your parents. If you want them to come that's fine. But you know I'm under orders to rest so you will have to do everything.
I am not willing to risk losing our baby so everything will be down to you. Actually I'm looking forward to being waited on whilst putting my feet up. Fancy practising before they get here? I'd love a cuppa & what are you making for dinner?

Try this

Ylvamoon · 02/10/2023 12:47

Just be nice, let them come. Don't worry about cleaning, you are going to have a baby and need rest. They will understand.

Give them some towels and fresh sheets- they can cover the bed themselves.

Just ask them to get some lunch from the shops and that you are going out for dinner.

Just have a lovely time and once DH is back from work, say, oh so glad you're here, I really need a lay down... & exit!

Mmmmboppp · 02/10/2023 12:50

I think YAB a bit U, my in laws came to stay when I was pregnant and they were great, MIL did all my ironing! You haven’t really said if they are hard work or not. How long is DH working away for? I would suggest he does a good clean before he goes and you can just whip round with the hoover etc before they arrive. Same with clean sheets, if you have a spare
room he could change them now? It seems bit unfair to say his parents can’t stay in what is presumably his home too?

AnneElliott · 02/10/2023 13:04

Natty13 · 02/10/2023 11:55

That's very wise Natty. I wish we'd agreed to this as I'm definitely resentful about all the effort I've put in over the years. Luckily my PILS live close so an overnight is never required.

Tinkerbyebye · 02/10/2023 13:07

So you tell him in words of one syllable what it means to you. You have been given instructions to rest, for the sake of your health and the baby’s, so his parents can come for the day, and he will have to do everything

if he wants them to stay longer then they come another weekend when he will be able to do beds, shopping cooking, clearing up and hosting

otherwise I would just go to my parents to rest, as that’s what I have been told to do and leave him to it

PinkRoses1245 · 02/10/2023 13:25

I think you're being a bit precious. Lost of people do very active and stressful things whilst pregnant. My friend has placenta previa and is an A&E doctor.
Just get a takeaway / go out, and I don't know what other prep you'd need to do apart from changing bedding, get DH to do that, and he cooks if they don't want takeaway or to go out.

Original poster

Op001 · 02/10/2023 13:44

They are quite elderly and have never offered help with housework during previous pregnancies so don’t expect them to start now! DH is away 6 days and nights prior to them arriving.
it’s not that I’m just “tired” but following doctors advice to limit activity as another bleed would mean being admitted to hospital.

OP posts:

MintJulia · 02/10/2023 13:47

Retreat to your bed and leave them to it.

Leave all cleaning, tidying, shopping for food, changing of sheets etc to your DP. Then they can do as they please. Let him carry the whole load. Then he won't ask again 🙂

A useful precedent for when your baby arrives!

Blough · 02/10/2023 13:52

He can figure out making beds, cleaning and shopping before and after his working days, there’s no arguing needed.

Tootsweets84 · 02/10/2023 14:00

Those minimising placenta previa really haven't got a clue. Yes, most of the time it doesn't cause any major issues other than requiring a c section, but when I had it I spent the last few weeks of my pregnancy admitted because they were worried I'd bleed out on the way to hospital. If OP has already had bleeds then she really does need to be taking it easy and her OH shouldn't be arranging for house guests unless he is going to be making all preparations and doing the bulk of entertaining. As he's away for 6 days prior to their arrival he isn't able to do that. 'Just running the hoover over' isn't quite that simple when you're at risk of a bleed and have been told to rest. The safety of OP and her unborn child trumps her OHs wish to have his parents to stay.

aloris · 02/10/2023 14:14

Placenta previa is very serious. Sorry, they can't come. It's a choice between your husband's preference for you to host his parents, vs your life and health.

CousinGreg55 · 02/10/2023 14:17

I think some posters have missed that she has placenta previa and think she is just a bit tired

AnnieKayTee · 02/10/2023 14:19

Can it not be rearranged until he is actually here to sort it all out himself? And if he won't then it needs to be cancelled. You are not being unreasonable to tell him you won't be doing anything.
If you have been told to rest please rest. It's literally not worth risking your health and that of the baby.

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