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AIBU?

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Original poster

Pregnant and don’t want to host in-laws-advice needed!

219 replies

Op001 · 02/10/2023 10:33

I am 18 weeks pregnant and don’t feel up to hosting overnight guests. Have placenta previa so supposed to be resting up.
DH is pushing for in-laws to stay for a weekend which is causing a lot of arguments. They have offered to come for just a day but DH not happy with this-accused me of not wanting him to spend time with his parents.
Suggestion of take away for dinner and then pub lunch led to another fight as DPs family are very “foodie”.
sick of arguing and stressing about it but don’t want to give in as it will be exhausting and the next pressure will be to host Xmas.

OP posts:
girlfriend44 · 05/10/2023 15:58

I agree. It's a shame that so many women on this thread aren't giving the OP the validation she needs, i.e. that it is OK to put her foot down on this issue, OK to say the visit isn't convenient, OK to insist that her husband does all the work and OK to go and rest in another room rather than being constantly on duty when his parents are here.

How about when the babys here, she might welcome their help and support and they are the grandparents.

Try and accommadate them for one night but make it clear you wont be doing everything.

It wont really hurt for them to stay one night its alot of driving in one day especially now the nights are drawing in.

As said they might be a good support as well when the baby comes.

shams05 · 05/10/2023 16:02

If bil is coming with them then they could easily do the trip in one day as they'd share the driving.

dottypotter · 05/10/2023 16:04

Sounds like you dont like them.

Crazydonkeylady · 05/10/2023 16:05

But she is sick. She has placenta previa which is very high risk and necessitates light duties and rest. People are usually signed off sick with it and often put on bed rest depending on how bad it is!

Blueeyes13 · 05/10/2023 16:06

Op001 · 05/10/2023 14:31

Have sent a message to MIL explaining DH has promised to do organising and cooking. She responded by saying BIL may be joining them for the visit one or both days. Took a deep breath and replied that DH is organising so she’ll have to check with him - I’ll be there for the weekend but arrangements are up to DH not me, so she needs to arrange with him directly.
I’ve delegated mental load to him as well as the work. I will keep reminding I’m following doctors orders and resting up. Trying to stay zen!

What???? You told her you need to rest and she announces another visitor???!! I'd be going mental at DH if MIL did this.

girlfriend44 · 05/10/2023 16:08

his parents equal future grandparents though.

These things have to navigated tactfully all round to avoid a blow out.

Not a good way to start the babys life.

Crazydonkeylady · 05/10/2023 16:09

For those saying she’s not sick please educate yourselves about placenta previa. It is a very serious condition with risk to both baby and mother. Bed rest is usually advised and certainly not housework and changing beds! Her partner and his family sound highly inconsiderate or entirely uneducated about what is going on with her and baby.

How is placenta previa treated?

  1. More ultrasounds to track where the placenta is.
  2. Bed rest or hospital stay.
  3. Early delivery of the baby. This will be based on how much bleeding you have, how far along your baby is, and how healthy the baby is.
  4. Cesarean section delivery.
  5. Blood transfusion for severe blood loss.
coconutpie · 05/10/2023 16:14

So you've now been informed BIL will be coming too? OP, you need to put yourself first. Now is the time to start putting in boundaries, with DH and in-laws. Assuming this is your first child, this will be the start of many battles if your ILs are this demanding and your DH is enabling their behaviour.

Cancel the visit. Tell DH you are not up to visitors, you are very unwell, this is a high risk pregnancy and he needs to put you, his wife, and his baby first.

GCAcademic · 05/10/2023 16:14

She responded by saying BIL may be joining them for the visit one or both days.

“That’s great. The more the merrier. As I’m confined to bed rest, lots of things have slipped in terms of housework and maintenance, so it will be very welcome to have the help from family. I’ll draw up a schedule of tasks for you all.”

Sausagis · 05/10/2023 16:25

"I’ll draw up a schedule of tasks for you all.”

OMG YES - Please send this 👏👏👏

Fireandflames666 · 05/10/2023 16:42

I'm sorry but under these circumstances it would be a firm NO. You're ill and should be resting and relaxing at home. Visitors are stressful even when you don't have to do anything as they expect you to be social.

Put your foot down!

aloris · 05/10/2023 16:59

Being TOLD she's having extra guests rather than asked? Sounds like typical in-laws who think a wife exists to provide grandchildren and to run around serving husband and his whole family. Uuuuuhhhh, yeah I think the husband and in-laws should avoid a blowout by not putting the mother and baby at risk. Let mum follow medical advice, stop putting extra pressure on her. Why not even reschedule for a weekend when husband hasn't been out of town the whole week before? It's not rocket science.

Purplebunnie · 05/10/2023 17:09

Op001 · 02/10/2023 10:44

He’s away working until the morning they arrive so the beds, laundry cleaning are on me. He’ll do the cooking. They also have a history of arriving early and staying longer than stated. I do want them to come but don’t see why it can’t be for the day. They live 2 hrs drive away

Nope beds are on DH, they can be done the week before - just keep bedroom door closed if you have cats and they like that particular bed. If you think the bed may be too cool pop a hot water bottle in or air with an electric blanket

MargotBamborough · 05/10/2023 17:10

I think I would just stay in bed the whole time, OP.

Buy yourself a mini fridge and a kettle for the bedroom and just let your husband get on with hosting.

WearyAuldWumman · 05/10/2023 19:16

I'm a bit thick at the moment, so forgive if I'm missing something: can he not do all the prep - bed making and so on - the day before?

WearyAuldWumman · 05/10/2023 19:18

"Of course I'm not stopping you from seeing your parents. If you want them to come that's fine. But you know I'm under orders to rest so you will have to do everything."
I am not willing to risk losing our baby so everything will be down to you."

Perfect response. [Apologies if I've not quoted and attributed correctly - just getting used to posting here.]

therealcookiemonster · 05/10/2023 20:19

OP the people making negative comments clearly have no idea what placenta previa is. If you have already had bleeding, you MUST rest. be firm with your boundaries. and with a ruptured placenta, it's not just baby at risk, but YOU.

Vinrouge4 · 05/10/2023 20:26

What a bloody nerve they all have. Your husband and mil are just not listening to you. Please do stick to your guns. Don’t make up any beds, clean or cook. Stay rested. Put yours and your baby’s health first.

WearyAuldWumman · 05/10/2023 20:55

I'm hoping that OP can go visit her parents for a few days.

My mum had to go to hospital for total bed rest for a few months with a pregnancy.

If I'd been put in OP's position and my parents had known about it, I'd have had Mum taking a taxi right to the house to pick me up.

WearyAuldWumman · 05/10/2023 21:04

I agree with you, billy1966.

I recall my mum telling me that Dad was more than a bit old-fashioned when they first married: wouldn't do anything that was 'women's work': he was brought up in a very patriarchal society.

Mum was an 'elderly prim' and was in labour three days when she had me: they nearly lost both of us. (The hospital goofed. She went into labour a fortnight early, while her gynae was on leave. The stand-in failed to order a caesarian. When her own gynae returned, he had to give her an episiotomy.)

After Dad got us both home he was a changed man: couldn't do enough for Mum. He got such a fright - he loved that woman to bits.

OP's husband needs to hear a bit of plain speaking from someone, possibly OP's doctor.

JessM1973 · 05/10/2023 21:30

I had the same condition when pregnant and I don’t want to scare you but I ended up on bed rest and did have a couple of hospital stays along the way. Everything was fine and my son was fine but you could say you need to be prepared for the fact that your pregnancy could take an unexpected turn. Good luck

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 05/10/2023 21:35

thing47 · 05/10/2023 15:30

'As I say, MIL, you'll need to discuss all that with DH. I am under doctor's orders to take it very, very easy at the moment and get lots of rest. I'm sure you'll understand that that means I won't be rushing around getting people food or drinks. You may also find the house messier than usual as I'm not meant to be doing housework and your son is away all week with work.'

Then having lowered their expectations you can take a deep breath and do as little as you feel able to. As I said in a PP I have experience of severe placenta previa – rest really does mean rest.

I think she shouldn't repo and to any other messages from mil about this just send screen shots to her husband so he can

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 05/10/2023 21:36

Op I feel so bad for you I just want you to go and stay with your own family or friends who will look after you and let you have the rest you deserve. Sorry but I don't like your husband x

Jimmyneutronsforehead · 05/10/2023 21:41

Op001 · 02/10/2023 13:44

They are quite elderly and have never offered help with housework during previous pregnancies so don’t expect them to start now! DH is away 6 days and nights prior to them arriving.
it’s not that I’m just “tired” but following doctors advice to limit activity as another bleed would mean being admitted to hospital.

So, he rather risk you having a bleed, complicating your pregnancy further with risks including, but not limited to: miscarriage, just so his parents can stay?

Red flag, red flag, red flag. WITH SIRENS.

Medlady · 05/10/2023 21:48

I’d pop home to your mum if possible, for the period he is away. After all, should there be a bleed you wouldn’t want to be alone, would you? Drift back after the first night