Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Pregnant and don’t want to host in-laws-advice needed!

219 replies

Op001 · 02/10/2023 10:33

I am 18 weeks pregnant and don’t feel up to hosting overnight guests. Have placenta previa so supposed to be resting up.
DH is pushing for in-laws to stay for a weekend which is causing a lot of arguments. They have offered to come for just a day but DH not happy with this-accused me of not wanting him to spend time with his parents.
Suggestion of take away for dinner and then pub lunch led to another fight as DPs family are very “foodie”.
sick of arguing and stressing about it but don’t want to give in as it will be exhausting and the next pressure will be to host Xmas.

OP posts:
Totalwasteofpaper · 02/10/2023 14:22

Honestly, at least half of this is on you. Do not choose to do anything.
I do NOTHING when in laws come. My DH knows this.

My mil has turned up to a totally unmade beld - I feigned shock and said I thought DH had done it. Nevermind he will do it after work!

Your DH is totally able to

  • make beds before they come. Wash sheets and remake after.
  • do a shop online or instore
-cook for them -make them tea.

Go up to bed to rest regularly and do your own thing.

Trust me you need to start now or your set a precedent.
When I was 7m pregnant and my in-laws descended for their 7 days free feed and boozing sessions I did Nothing. NOTHING. DH was the chef (isn't he marvellous! Such an amazing husband!!!) I sat on my arse eating cheese and crackers

TheSandgroper · 02/10/2023 14:22

Is he really aware that your life is threatened with placenta praevia? The instruction to rest is to keep your life and that of your child. Placental abruption is a real, bloody threat.

If your inlaws aren’t the useful type, then ai will back you to take to your bed and stay there.

FictionalCharacter · 02/10/2023 14:24

Sweetpeasaremadeforbees · 02/10/2023 12:10

They have offered to come for just a day but DH not happy with this-accused me of not wanting him to spend time with his parents.

Have you asked him why he appears to care more about his parents than his pregnant wife? Honestly, nip this in the bud now.

100% this.
You’re pregnant with complications and he wants you to do all the work?
He’s away for a week before they arrive, leaving the prep to you?
Pub lunches and takeaways aren’t good enough for them because they’re “foodies”? Sod that, nobody gets to dictate what food is offered to them when they’re a guest.
He’s moaning that a day visit isn’t enough because it means “you don’t want to see his parents”? Why should you be delighted at hosting his parents for a weekends when you’re pregnant and at risk?
Stamp on this now or he’ll be intolerable when the baby arrives.
Hosting Christmas should be out of the question. You’ll be very pregnant indeed by then and for him to expect you to look after everyone at Christmas would be awful.

CherryMaDeara · 02/10/2023 14:26

Tell him they can only come when he is around to do the cleaning and cooking and the laundry.

Be firm now.

Lavenderosa · 02/10/2023 14:30

Why is this being arranged for the weekend following your husband working away for a week? If it can be moved to another weekend then he can do all the cleaning, shopping, beds etc beforehand. Please don't risk your or your baby's health by going against medical advice.

Lavender14 · 02/10/2023 14:32

My family live a few hours away- they never stay over.

I'd ask him calmly why he's expecting you to do housework and host when you're on advice to have bedrest? Ask him why having his family for an overnight is more important than the safety of your pregnancy for you and baby when he could compromise and have them visit for the day?

Just for context I had a subchorionic hematoma in my pregnancy and was put on modified bedrest. Dh did all cooking and cleaning etc on top of working full time and didn't think a thing of it. He needs to step up and I'd remind him that this is the beginning of it because childcare is a responsibility to add on top of cooking and cleaning etc and that cannot all fall to you when baby comes.

Totalwasteofpaper · 02/10/2023 14:38

😱 i just read up on placenta previa.

I think my advice stands for post baby but prebaby I would be challenging him hard on why you arlnd your child aren't the priority.

Is decamping to your parents for the weekend a possibility?

This is a serious dick move from him but in a way it's better to hash it out now because he will only get worse once the baby arrives.

Mmmmboppp · 02/10/2023 14:42

There are a lot of threads on here from people with placenta previa and a lot of replies to them advising there posters not to worry too much especially at 18 weeks pg. Plenty of people that said they still walked, did their usual routine just took it a bit easier, didn’t heavy lift or have sex.

Cant you just ask your DH to rearrange for a weekend when he isn’t away or get him to make the beds up just before/when they arrive, do a food shop to be delivered etc?

StoneWashJeansWithAMatchingJacket · 02/10/2023 14:47

Op001 · 02/10/2023 10:44

He’s away working until the morning they arrive so the beds, laundry cleaning are on me. He’ll do the cooking. They also have a history of arriving early and staying longer than stated. I do want them to come but don’t see why it can’t be for the day. They live 2 hrs drive away

It’s simple then really. He needs to choose a more convenient time so that he can get everything ready to host them so that you can rest as much as possible given that you’re not up to it. It’s not a case of you “not allowing it” but of him being the one hosting his family- if he doesn’t have time to prepare then obviously it can’t happen that particular weekend.

GladioliandSweetPeas · 02/10/2023 16:00

Get a hotel room for just you! Spend the day with them at your house (with DH hosting) and then bugger off to hotel in plenty of time to catch the pool before it closes for a nice relaxing soak

FictionalCharacter · 02/10/2023 16:17

Mmmmboppp · 02/10/2023 14:42

There are a lot of threads on here from people with placenta previa and a lot of replies to them advising there posters not to worry too much especially at 18 weeks pg. Plenty of people that said they still walked, did their usual routine just took it a bit easier, didn’t heavy lift or have sex.

Cant you just ask your DH to rearrange for a weekend when he isn’t away or get him to make the beds up just before/when they arrive, do a food shop to be delivered etc?

Those people are not the OP or the OP’s midwife or obstetrician. Everyone’s case is different. The OP has been told that if she has one more bleed she’ll have to be admitted to hospital.

maddening · 02/10/2023 16:22

Tell him he either fixes the house ahead of their arrival or pays for someone who will.

Kemper · 02/10/2023 16:24

Your husband sounds like an absolute bellend TBH

maddening · 02/10/2023 16:25

Lavender14 · 02/10/2023 14:32

My family live a few hours away- they never stay over.

I'd ask him calmly why he's expecting you to do housework and host when you're on advice to have bedrest? Ask him why having his family for an overnight is more important than the safety of your pregnancy for you and baby when he could compromise and have them visit for the day?

Just for context I had a subchorionic hematoma in my pregnancy and was put on modified bedrest. Dh did all cooking and cleaning etc on top of working full time and didn't think a thing of it. He needs to step up and I'd remind him that this is the beginning of it because childcare is a responsibility to add on top of cooking and cleaning etc and that cannot all fall to you when baby comes.

And this for sure!

thing47 · 02/10/2023 16:33

@Op001 does your DH not appreciate how serious placenta previa can be?! I had it with my first and had to spend several months in hospital – we lived about 20 minutes' drive away from the hospital and the consultant said that in the event of a rupture that wouldn't be close enough. I don't say that to scare you, but I think you need to impress upon your DH that it can be life-threatening for both mother and baby.

SoftPillowAllNight · 02/10/2023 16:53

If I were carrying a baby I'd expect to not be doing any physical labour around the house other than day-to-day cooking/tidying etc. ANY extra work - cleaning/beds/garden/cooking etc would fall to the person NOT carrying the baby. This is even before I include the extra people causing the extra work!!!

PhantomUnicorn · 02/10/2023 16:57

i'm not usually an advocate for lying, but at this point i'd fake an appointment with the dr during those 6 days and tell him you're on 100% bedrest for the next two weeks, and he needs to do it all himself.

billy1966 · 02/10/2023 17:06

I would be most concerned at his attitude and attempts to guilt you at this time.

Does he care a whit for you and what you are going through to have this baby?

Keep your family and friends very close OP.

He is neither kind nor considerate of you at this difficult time.

Listen carefully to your medical team.

Wishing you well.

SwiftieGrainger · 02/10/2023 21:32

You dh sounds out of touch with what you're going through. Hosting isn't like giving your house to inlaws as an air bnb, once everything is clean and prepped just going off for the weekend until its over, it's the social element. Do your inlaws require quite a bit of energy? If so then yaREALLYnbu, you're pregnant, unwell, should be resting and everyone has their own standards. Some happily have visitors no matter what but if you're more inclined to only want them when you can really enjoy it and make them thoroughly welcome I totally get it. I'm the same and I I was unwell and my fiancée asked me to host people overnight I'd be really reluctant. Hope you're OK OP

SwiftieGrainger · 02/10/2023 21:34

Also if your inaws are reasonable maybe contact them yourself and let them know how ill you are and how thoroughly miserable the weekend, as well as dangerous would be for you and the baby. I'd hope they wouldn't want to come and put you through that pressure once they get an idea of how bad it is.

Nanny0gg · 02/10/2023 21:38

GingerIsBest · 02/10/2023 11:21

I think you are being a bit precious BUT I also think that if he feels so strongly, he should be doing the work to make sure things are ready. If he's away for work before they arrive, then he can bloody well sort their bedroom out etc before he goes - it's not going to get dirty in a few days. He can do the online shopping and meal planning etc.

Also, if you're pregnant and tired, you should be able to say, "have lovely afternoon everyone, I'm off to have a nap" and disappear upstairs with a tablet/your book etc.

But unless there's some big backstory about how MIL hates you and is always really rude and mean, I don't think a blanket no is fair.

How is having placenta praevia being 'a bit precious'?

Codlingmoths · 02/10/2023 21:41

Oh my goodness no way. Tell your dh if something happened because you did the beds etc against doctors advice your marriage would be over instantly, so you are saving your marriage by saying absolutely not. Phone his parents in front of him and say they are welcome to come for the day, you’ll apologise for any mess as Dh is away and you are keeping very quiet on doctors orders, so you also can’t make beds etc and have them stay, but it will be lovely to see them. Dh will be doing all cooking and if he can’t it will have to be takeaway or a pub.
say all that on the phone in front of him, tell him your marriage would be over instantly if baby were put at risk because he is pressuring you to act against doctors orders so if this is going to be a theme he should pack his bag to have it ready, notice that now your parents know they aren’t going to be dicks enough to pressure you, he seems to be the only one prepared to risk you and your baby, then go to rest/watch tv in bed.

GingerIsBest · 02/10/2023 21:42

Not about the placenta praaevia! Grin I think OP is being a bit precious about a flat no. But I also said that her DH should do all the work and she should feel free to wander off whenever she feels like it!

I had a placenta praaevia myself and a very difficult pregnancy, so I'm not unsympathetic.

TicTacNicNak · 02/10/2023 21:53

Can it not be arranged for a different weekend so that he is around to do the prep? If not then I'd be insisting that he does what prep he can before he goes and that in laws have to take you (and house) as they find you as you won't be over exerting yourself with cleaning. He must also do all hosting and it's a maximum one night stay.

For Christmas can you go to them instead? I wouldn't even be thinking of hosting at 30 weeks when placenta previa is involved. Maybe your 'D'H should do a bit of reading about the dangers to you and baby if you start bleeding.

OnAir · 02/10/2023 22:00

Mmmmboppp · 02/10/2023 14:42

There are a lot of threads on here from people with placenta previa and a lot of replies to them advising there posters not to worry too much especially at 18 weeks pg. Plenty of people that said they still walked, did their usual routine just took it a bit easier, didn’t heavy lift or have sex.

Cant you just ask your DH to rearrange for a weekend when he isn’t away or get him to make the beds up just before/when they arrive, do a food shop to be delivered etc?

This is really interesting because I have placenta previa currently 30 weeks. I've only been told once by a consultant that I can't go to work anymore due to the type of job I do, but other than that I've been carrying on like normal. Walking miles on days out, going to theme parks with the kids (not on the rides obviously) hosted a couple of dinner parties, walk the dog, wash the car, I do my housework everyday because I've pretty much got nothing better to do at the moment I've even decorated the house. I'm planning a deep clean before baby is here this was me taking it easy maybe not easy enough.