Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Pregnant and don’t want to host in-laws-advice needed!

219 replies

Op001 · 02/10/2023 10:33

I am 18 weeks pregnant and don’t feel up to hosting overnight guests. Have placenta previa so supposed to be resting up.
DH is pushing for in-laws to stay for a weekend which is causing a lot of arguments. They have offered to come for just a day but DH not happy with this-accused me of not wanting him to spend time with his parents.
Suggestion of take away for dinner and then pub lunch led to another fight as DPs family are very “foodie”.
sick of arguing and stressing about it but don’t want to give in as it will be exhausting and the next pressure will be to host Xmas.

OP posts:
Whatifitallgoesright · 03/10/2023 09:22

Their room doesn't have to be ready when they arrive. You're not a hotel. I've often not been ready for my in laws. They make themselves at home downstairs and take bags up when beds changed etc. Your DH can do it when he gets home. Eat out.

GingerIsBest · 03/10/2023 09:25

OnAir · 03/10/2023 09:21

Well It wasn't until reading this thread that I've even considered that I've been over doing things, I'm doing less than I was 10 weeks ago. This is only the tip of the iceberg if you knew what I was doing up until 20 weeks lol. I just had no idea that it was such a risk. I don't think my partner realises either he does tell me to slow down but only since I've been massively pregnant. Maybe ops partner doesn't realise.

I was told not to be too worried. I travelled across the world at 30 weeks pregnant and the only additional factor was that my doctors insisted that I couldn't travel after 32 weeks - which is much earlier than they normally recommend. Basically, they said as long as there wasn't any bleeding, they were all pretty relaxed.

CherryMaDeara · 03/10/2023 10:08

Justcallmebebes · 03/10/2023 05:41

Beware Kharma. That's all I have to say

So your message to women is to cook and clean for your in laws whilst your husband does fuck all, otherwise karma will get you?

I don't think Buddhists would appreciate you corrupting the meaning of karma for your misogynistic aims.

MargotBamborough · 03/10/2023 10:10

CherryMaDeara · 03/10/2023 10:08

So your message to women is to cook and clean for your in laws whilst your husband does fuck all, otherwise karma will get you?

I don't think Buddhists would appreciate you corrupting the meaning of karma for your misogynistic aims.

Show quote history

I'm not sure what karmic consequences there are likely to be for not hosting in laws when pregnant.

If they live two hours away and can't put clean sheets on their own bed then I doubt they would ever be able to provide childcare or anything like that.

Nonplusultra · 03/10/2023 10:18

He sounds horrible op - why on earth isn’t he more concerned about you? Did the emotional abuse start when you fell pregnant because that’s a very common pattern?

No normal, emotionally balanced person would be carrying on like this. He should be ashamed of himself.

Of course his parents should be welcome, but he should be doing all the prep for their arrival, making it clear that you are resting and watching out that you’re not getting too fatigued by the company. It’s his behaviour that determines whether his dp’s can be accommodated, not yours - and not even theirs.

This is entirely about him.

Don’t get side tracked into what you should or can do; don’t get side tracked into what they should or can do.

The only problem here is your appalling husband.

Chunkychips23 · 03/10/2023 10:30

If he wants his parents to stay, then he needs to arrange a time for them to come when he is available to cater for them. You have been given medical advice which trumps everything else right now. Yours and your babies well being is what matters! You are not being previous nor do you need to suck it up. You’ve already had a bleed and it’s viral you minimise the risks.

I was told I had posterior CPP at 20wks, I’m currently in my 3rd trimester now and was advised to limit activity. My husband argues with me when he catches me doing anything too strenuous, as he’s concerned for me and our baby. He certainly wouldn’t be expecting me to host! We have had the in-laws over, but they couldn’t care less what our house looks like and they don’t stay over. When my mother visits, she hosts herself.

Send your DH links to articles about Placenta Previa - the only reason the risk of fatality is lower in the western world is due to early detection and intervention - I.e bed rest!

Muddywalks34 · 03/10/2023 10:38

Ok so changing bedding takes 10 minutes, unless your house is dirty then you don’t need to do any additional housework, he’s offered to do the cooking and you could always get an online food shop in which your husband can organise. My in laws also live 2 hours away, they are in their 70/80’s so I feel it’s too much for them to have a 4’hour drive in one day for the sake of sharing one meal together. Quite honestly though providing you like them it’s really not that much work at all and he’s offered to do the cooking and sure he would also clear up. Is the reluctance because you don’t like them very much? Would you happily have your own parents stay over? I think your making too big a deal of it, they are your husbands parents, it’s not that much effort to change the bed sheets and order some groceries on line.

Underestimated4 · 03/10/2023 10:38

I think if they live 2 hours drive away it’s unreasonable to expect them to do a day trip - 4 hour round trip. They’re making the effort to come see you. You’ve said takeaway and meal out so it’s not on you to do the food. It’s his home too and he has a right to see his family. The beds don’t have to be made that morning this can be done anytime.

WandaWonder · 03/10/2023 10:42

Well if you are bedridden for the next 20 weeks then he must be getting used to doing everything now so why would it matter if the ils are there

EarlGreywithLemon · 03/10/2023 10:47

GingerIsBest · 03/10/2023 09:25

I was told not to be too worried. I travelled across the world at 30 weeks pregnant and the only additional factor was that my doctors insisted that I couldn't travel after 32 weeks - which is much earlier than they normally recommend. Basically, they said as long as there wasn't any bleeding, they were all pretty relaxed.

Show quote history

Lucky you that your placenta praevia wasn’t severe then. The furthest my friend could travel was 10 minutes away from
the hospital, with her notes in her bag at all times. No laundry, hoovering etc for her.

She was lucky enough to get through without bleeds, but had a very complicated C section in which she lots a lot of blood and the baby had to be resuscitated.

Severe placenta praevia is extremely risky. The risk is placental abruption, which is life threatening for mother and baby. I know a little about that, because I had the start of a placental abruption as my daughter was born and I lost 2.9 litres of blood despite already being in theatre with a medical team working on me.

thing47 · 03/10/2023 11:04

Yes, this was my experience too @EarlGreywithLemon – was in hospital between 20 and 30 weeks, allowed short walks or to the coffee shop but had to remain on hospital grounds at all times and keep notes with me. Totally bored because I felt fine so if I'd been at home I no doubt would have done household chores… At 30 weeks it shifted slightly and I was allowed home again.

I'm not saying placenta previa is always this serious but it definitely can be.

DottyLottieLou · 03/10/2023 11:20

You and your unborn child should be his priority, not his parents. They are happy for a brief visit and he is being very unreasonable. He sounds like a spoilt brat. He can clean and cook when he gets back. You do not move from that chair. I would tell him you been advised to take bed rest.

Sunandsea26 · 03/10/2023 11:32

WetBandits · 02/10/2023 11:51

Can’t he just change the sheets on the spare bed before he goes off to work? He could stash the laundry in your bedroom or wherever it won’t be on display and then tackle it on his return. The clean sheets won’t suddenly be festering within a few days if they haven’t been slept in. And not sure why you’d have to do ‘extra’ cleaning to host guests unless your house is not usually clean?

He’s already said he will do all the cooking/hosting. You would just happen to be there too.

Oh come on everyone makes sure their house is especially spotless when guests come compared to day to day living! My tolerance for us vs when people come is totally different

WandaWonder · 03/10/2023 11:48

Sunandsea26 · 03/10/2023 11:32

Oh come on everyone makes sure their house is especially spotless when guests come compared to day to day living! My tolerance for us vs when people come is totally different

Show quote history

We do a little tidying but not spotless and I don't use pregnancy as an excuse for not having inlaws over, I can imagine the response if a woman parents wanted to come over and the husband came up with some reason to ban them

EarlGreywithLemon · 03/10/2023 11:49

@thing47 10 weeks in hospital sounds so grim! Well done getting through it, and thank goodness it shifted when it did.

thing47 · 03/10/2023 11:54

It's not the fact she's pregnant @WandaWonder, it's the fact she has placenta previa. She hasn't 'come up with a reason', she has what can be an extremely serious pregnancy complication. Maybe read up on it…?

WandaWonder · 03/10/2023 11:56

thing47 · 03/10/2023 11:54

It's not the fact she's pregnant @WandaWonder, it's the fact she has placenta previa. She hasn't 'come up with a reason', she has what can be an extremely serious pregnancy complication. Maybe read up on it…?

The op does not need our opinion then she can say no, I don't need to read up on it

MargotBamborough · 03/10/2023 11:58

WandaWonder · 03/10/2023 11:48

We do a little tidying but not spotless and I don't use pregnancy as an excuse for not having inlaws over, I can imagine the response if a woman parents wanted to come over and the husband came up with some reason to ban them

Show quote history

If the woman wanted her parents to come over and she also wanted her husband to do all the laundry and cleaning in preparation for her parents' visit because she was working away for 6 days immediately beforehand, and her husband had a sprained ankle, I'm pretty sure most people would find that a little unreasonable.

DemelzaandRoss · 03/10/2023 12:04

As long as your DH is willing to share chores then your ILs should be able to visit. If you have been told to stay on the sofa & not move then comply with these instructions.
I can see this from DH point of view. It could suspiciously look like an excuse not to see his parents. However, as others have said, as long as he is ok with entertaining & preparing etc then it should be fine.

JFDIYOLO · 03/10/2023 12:27

Write to his mother.

Set out what you've told this bunch of strangers, with some medical detail - she has had a baby so should understand. Appeal to her woman to woman.

Explain you're not up to hosting visitors at all and your priority is their grandchild's wellbeing.

Ask her to be considerate and understand - where her son is failing to.

If they all three decide to be cheeky fuckers and go ahead anyway, play the invalid.

Cite Doctor's orders (can they help with some bed rest / no lifting / no stress instructions?)

Retire to bed with some peppermint tea and your 'dinner on a tray' order.

Leave them to it.

Mew2 · 03/10/2023 13:15

This is when I say- my parents always make their own bed and also strip the bed and pop the machine on before they go.... my inlaws will clean the kitchen and make the tea.. seriously don't worry about cleaning and making the bed- they are family and can muck in!!

DreamItDoIt · 03/10/2023 13:53

@JFDIYOLO if my future DIL were ever to write to me about this I would be telling my son that he should've show his GF/DW more respect and ask him why he wasn't stepping up.

It's 2023 but 1950. I really hope my DD doesn't have a MIL like you.

Original poster
Op001 · 03/10/2023 13:58

Thank you for the constructive opinions and suggestions (ignoring the snarky and judgemental comments!). Will message MIL explaining I will be resting and DH has promised to do prep and hosting

OP posts:
FictionalCharacter · 03/10/2023 14:09

It’s really sad to see people (including the DH here) calling a pregnancy with dangerous complications an “excuse” to not play host.

If someone who isn’t pregnant had a haemorrhage of some kind and had been told to be careful and rest, because the next bleed would result in them being admitted to hospital, people wouldn’t be calling that an excuse. We’ve become so used to chanting “pregnancy isn’t an illness” (because we’ve correctly moved on from the idea that pregnant women are fragile, and should be resting even if they are fit and healthy), that we seem to have lost awareness that SOME women have complications and these can be dangerous to mother and baby.

Ange211 · 03/10/2023 14:16

I’d just be telling him to go for it, make it clear that you’re not able to clean/ prep/ cook / entertain due to yours and your unborn babies welfare then let him crack on. Just stay in your room “resting” while he gets it all done. Just don’t do it for him. I can assure you it will be the last time he’s “keen” for his relatives to come for the weekend!