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AIBU?

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Original poster

Friend won't leave kids for a few days with husband

1000 replies

Whattodo17xx · 02/10/2023 10:19

My friend and I are mid 30's. She is married with two kids. I'm getting married next year (no kids). Been friends since we were 8!

I am having a very low key wedding, max 16 people and would like to go away with my friend for 1-2 nights somewhere like Paris instead of a hen do next year. Just us two. Her kids will be 7 & nearly 3. Her husband works full time from home. I suggested going away Fri-Sun over the school holidays.

She has basically said no because her youngest wouldn't cope that long without her.

Is this normal for women not to want to leave their kids at this age? Having no kids it seems OTT to me but then again, I don't know what it's like.

AIBU to think she could easily have a few days away with me with a years notice?

OP posts:
PinkRoses1245 · 02/10/2023 10:21

No, that's not normal, unless there is something you aren't mentioning like both kids have additional needs.

Summermeadowflowers · 02/10/2023 10:21

I think it’s quite a big ask to be honest. It isn’t just time, but money. A night out or even a day away is one thing but I wouldn’t want to have a whole weekend away.

babysharkdoodoodedoodedoo · 02/10/2023 10:24

I would never leave my kids who are very similar ages for a few days! I’d not be able to enjoy my trip anyway because I’d miss them and feel sad about leaving them.

callmesophia · 02/10/2023 10:25

It's very normal. Mums don't want to leave their kids generally. Even if they drive them mental sometimes. Accept her response and find someone else to go with.

waterrat · 02/10/2023 10:26

This is her setting a boundary. What has it 'being normal' got to do with it?

One of my children would not cope well with this - I really hate the thought that people would judge me for that.

Her life, her children, her boundaries. And with a 2 year old - maybe it's her who helps the child sleep.

Not for you to judge.

babysharkdoodoodedoodedoo · 02/10/2023 10:26

PinkRoses1245 · 02/10/2023 10:21

No, that's not normal, unless there is something you aren't mentioning like both kids have additional needs.

I don’t think that other women should get to declare that someone’s choices about their children are ‘not normal’ either. In my experience it’s very normal for mothers of children as young as 3 to not want to leave them to go on holiday without them?!

Needeyebrows · 02/10/2023 10:26

My kids are 11, 13 and 15 now but I never wanted to leave them when they were younger. Didn't have anybody to mind them for a start but if I did I would have chosen to go away with DH and not a friend.

Perhaps she just doesn't want to go away with you.

rainylake · 02/10/2023 10:26

With the youngest at that age, leaving them for 2 nights may be a big thing for the child. It’s obviously possible and plenty of women would do it, but plenty of others wouldn’t want to. I don’t think it’s abnormal at all.

And if her husband works full time and you are going away on Friday during the school holidays you are not only asking her to use her holiday for this but also requiring him to take a day’s holiday (or pay for a day’s childcare) so he can look after the 7 year old.

WandaWonder · 02/10/2023 10:27

In real life kids cope without one of both parents sometimes i know heaps, including my own, on here if a child goes to the toilet by themselves I am surprised parents don't send out a search parry

Heavensabove3005 · 02/10/2023 10:28

Mine are 11 and 14 the most I’ve done is an overnight stay. I just don’t lik leaving them so people know if there’s any hen dos etc that are weekends or abroad I’m out. I don’t miss going I like to be at home. I’d probably be the same if I didn’t have kids some people just aren’t keen.

abigailsnan · 02/10/2023 10:28

Does she think her OH just could not cope or is it the fact that the then 4 yr old can't manage without her ?
She could maybe enlist the help of a parent or a sibling and treat the two little ones to a day out with OH somewhere special for a change and take the fact that mummy was not there.Would your friend object if her OH went away for the week-end on a stag week-end or wave him off and tell him to enjoy himself.She is being a wee bit clingy imo .

LeafLife · 02/10/2023 10:28

I wouldn’t have left my children at those ages either.
Everybody parents differently so there is no ‘correct’ response to this. If she is the type of mum (like me) who wouldn’t leave their DC for a weekend, then even if people 100% say on here that they would leave their kids for a weekend, it makes no difference, she won’t.

Fulshaw · 02/10/2023 10:29

I think if a child is under the age of 4, it’s normal to not want to leave them (but also normal to be fine to). After that, I’d start to raise an eyebrow.

trampoline123 · 02/10/2023 10:29

Personally none of my friends with kids under 3 would worry about leaving them for a few nights.

BUT

I'd imagine it could be an excuse for something else, I.e they are feeling the squeeze and worried about money - 2 kids is expensive.

Her partner might be a bit crap at parenting and looking after them, so she's worried about that.

I've definitely made up excuses to not do something with friends as I've been too poor and feel embarrassed to say.

whatkatydid2013 · 02/10/2023 10:30

I think it’s normal you might feel like you can’t get away for a weekend for a mix of reasons around the cost, feeling uncomfortable leaving the kids and feeling like you lack the energy to enjoy that kind of break. I also have a number of friends who don’t seem to really trust their partners to look after the kids overnight or whose partners are just unwilling to ever do so.

PenhillDarkMonarch · 02/10/2023 10:31

Honestly, this could be as simple as her not yet feeling comfortable leaving them or could be a cover for something else (eg money).

Whichever, she doesn't want to go so - as her friend - your only option is to accept that and move on.

Fulshaw · 02/10/2023 10:31

Does your friend work OP?

CallieTR · 02/10/2023 10:31

My youngest would have been fine with this from any age, my oldest would have found it really hard until he was about 5 or 6.

Different strokes etc

TwoShades1 · 02/10/2023 10:31

I would say she’s in a minority but her feelings are still valid. I personally would not leave my child unless completely necessary (hospital, etc). I would not deem a trip with a friend a good reason. I would be prepared to do one night and my child is 4.

Summermeadowflowers · 02/10/2023 10:32

It isn’t just about the child coping though @WandaWonder .

The things that would cross my mind (and some might sound a bit harsh - not intentional) are:

  1. I wouldn’t want to go away with a friend. Weekends are where in theory I get to relax a little bit, and if I’m away with a friend I don’t get any time to myself at all.
  2. Money - Paris is going to be bloody expensive
  3. Logistics - as someone said above, will DH have to take time away from work etc?
  4. DH then gets no down time either
  5. We have to rearrange or lose money on children’s activities eg if this was us ds would miss swimming and football. Not the end of the world but a pain
  6. The children would miss me and I them
  7. I then have a fortnight before I get to properly connect with DH

It isn’t that my friends aren’t important but I think with very young children weekends in Paris alone just aren’t going to happen for most of us.

TheMurderousGoose · 02/10/2023 10:32

She may be using it as an excuse to get out of going away. As we know on MN lots of people hate the idea of going away with friends, even if it is just for two nights. Or she might genuinely believe that her 4 year old won’t cope in just the presence of their father, which is a bit weird. And a sad indication of how the family functions.

35965a · 02/10/2023 10:33

I wouldn’t leave my 2yo overnight for a night or 2 unless it was for hospital or something and I had no choice. Nothing wrong with it either way, just not for me.

BitOutOfPractice · 02/10/2023 10:33

Different mothers, different ideas about this. I’d have left mine (and did!) at that age. others didn’t.

Are you 100% sure there’s not anything else going on at home though? That would be my only concern. If there’s not, then it’s just her choice.

EliflurtleTripanInfinite · 02/10/2023 10:33

I wouldn't have at that age. I had to go into hospital when my youngest was 5 I hated leaving them. My DC all do have SEN and stbxh is not a good Dad, might have been different at 5 if not for those two facts. But when youngest was 3 would be a definite no and not because of their SEN or their useless father.

Kemper · 02/10/2023 10:35

The thing is, if a woman with kids of that age posted on here that her bloke wanted to go on a European city break for two days with a mate he would get his arse handed to him

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