Friend won't leave kids for a few days with husband

[Whattodo17xx]

My friend and I are mid 30's. She is married with two kids. I'm getting married next year (no kids). Been friends since we were 8!

I am having a very low key wedding, max 16 people and would like to go away with my friend for 1-2 nights somewhere like Paris instead of a hen do next year. Just us two. Her kids will be 7 & nearly 3. Her husband works full time from home. I suggested going away Fri-Sun over the school holidays.

She has basically said no because her youngest wouldn't cope that long without her.

Is this normal for women not to want to leave their kids at this age? Having no kids it seems OTT to me but then again, I don't know what it's like.

AIBU to think she could easily have a few days away with me with a years notice?

My son is 4.5 and I’ve never left him for more than a night. I’d love to but I get the guilt so haven’t yet. One day..
I have friends who go on regular weekend trips away with their friends with younger kids or even 5 day hen holidays etc. Everyone is different, no right or wrong.

I want to leave my kids! 🙋🏻‍♀️

However many mums wouldn’t, which is reasonable too. Often you see dynamics where children will only settle for mum and not dad (which then becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy).

Alternatively she might just not want to go and this is a convenient reason to give you.

Everyone is different, I would not have wanted to go abroad to Paris for a holiday without my children at those ages. I could (and have) done weekend trips away in the UK or during the week in the UK for work.

I think it’s down to couples to decide between them what is doable for their family. But it’s very common on here for women to post that they don’t want their husbands to go on a two day stag to [insert popular European city] and to be almost unanimously backed up. The arguments tend to focus on the impact to family finances and the fact that the woman will be left alone all weekend with young children. The man who wants to go is roasted.

You have to 'owe' your husband for looking after his kids one weekend?

You seem very self absorbed. I think what you can take from this is that she doesn't want to come. You might have known her since you were 8. I have friends I've know since that age, and if I were in your situation I'd accept their "no" with good grace. Rather than trying to twist the situation painting her as a recluse or him as controlling, see it for what it really is - just a "no thank you".

You are being unreasonable. I wouldn't keep pushing or I don't see it ending well.

I think OP is ignoring the obvious Paris is expensive and for a lot of people money is tight. The weekend cost is probably similar to a cheap family holiday.
It’s also a plane flight away from her kids. I’d be very uncomfortable being in a different country from them at that age.
Its OPs choice of where she wants to go but abroad is an expensive option for most people

I would not have done it when my youngest was 3. I don't really like going away now when they are all in primary school. It leaves your DH with a lot to do on his own. He doesn't leave me to do everything for 3 days on my own either. Children like stability and routine and when you have young kids the money could be best spent elsewhere. Your head is just focused on children and their needs and going off for a long weekend without them doesn't even seem appealing.

No way I’d leave a three year old, I’ve had four kids and all were still breastfed to sleep at this age and would have been distraught at bedtime. My husband wouldn’t have coped either if I’d gone away. My best friend since childhood had a hen weekend away and I didn’t go - she was sad I couldn’t but totally understood I don’t leave mine. Loads of women feel this way- three is a baby still.

It’s usually accompanied by the man playing golf every weekend and the woman doing all the domestic work as well as working though. Or the baby is 3 months old, not 3 years.

Why does her asking that question make her self-absorbed? I don't see the connection.

I read that person’s post and found it strange too. But I’ve been on MN long enough that there are a lot of people with partners who consider looking after their own child a favour that needs paying back.

See this is interesting because this has to work both ways.

As far as I'm concerned, I make lots of effort with my friend. Kids are 99% of the time in tow with her which is fine. But is it not ok to request some 1 on 1 time with my friend as well? I don't want to talk about children all of the time, I want to enjoy her company.

I have struggled to even get my friend away for dinner without the kids recently. This seems to be getting worse the older the kids get, not better. Btw I ask my friend to dinner just us two maybe twice a year, for her birthday and Christmas. It was a few weeks ago and her husband was fine to look after both her kids, but when I arrived to pick her up the youngest wasn't settled, and despite her husband telling her he would be fine, she ended up bringing him to dinner at 8pm. It changed the dynamics entirely. It didn't even cross her mind that it would bother me?

I suggested the weekend away a year in advance so she could have a think and I can tell deep down she really wants to, but it's like she physically can't leave them if that makes sense. I suggested just the 1 night away too...

My DD is nearly 3 and this week my DP (her dad) has gone away for work for six days. DD is pretty sad about it and constantly asks after him. It’s only day two and she had an uncharacteristic meltdown at the park over not being able to sit on her favourite swing.

Little kids are very attached and don’t cope well with separation from their primary caregivers.

I don’t think it’s normal at all but I know loads of mums like this. They are generally not my kind of people tbh.

I don’t really understand it , why people abandon all their freedom and life for their kids but , you know, people do it!

This. It's not a decision you get to override or to interrogate.

I have had to skip two friends' get togethers this year. In both cases I was upfront why I was skipping.

In each group, there were two people who said "that's a shame, we'll miss you" and went ahead. In each group there was someone who tried to "problem-solve" my non attendance. One of whom was an outright twat about it to be honest (I was caring for my dying cat, and no, I didn't want to leave my husband to it...).

If someone doesn't say "yes" - listen.

Of course it's "normal". her feelings and reasons whatever they are, are valid. She doesn't have to give you a full explanation, she politely declined and found a reason. End of.

Maybe she can't afford it, maybe she doesn't want to spend money on herself, maybe she doesn't see the attraction of not seeing her kids for an entire weekend, maybe she has kids who are awful sleepers and she's worried of messing up a painfully established routine.

It's just as normal as having your mum or sister who can take the kids for a weekend, or a husband who is available for 3 full days to take over, but are you blaming her if the children are not used to it? Some people actually enjoy spending time with their young kids.

What's supposed to happen to her children on the Friday when she is away for a start? Her husband is WORKING. They both might not want him to take annual leave for that.

If your own husband was turning round telling you "I'll be off for a long weekend, so you have to take time off work and you are in charge of the kids for 3 days, see ya", would you find it so "normal"
.

OP, I think you need to accept she has said no for whatever reason she has stated and try to make an alternative plan. It’s not for you to question if it’s “normal”.
I personally would be happy to leave my two and a half year old for a weekend, but wouldn’t be happy to be in another country. If there was an emergency I’d like to be close enough to know I could drive home within a couple of hours. I wouldn’t be able to relax and enjoy my time knowing I was so far away.

Yabu

It sounds like you are fed up with her having children and putting their needs first. Which is fine, but maybe the friendship will become a bit more distant if you find it irritating that she won't prioritise you.

Mine BF to sleep at 2 and needed me so much, I would not want to make a guess at how they'd manage a year later, that would cause anxiety and worry for a long time and is something I wouldn't want put upon me.

It may depend on how good the Dad is with childcare. Her husband may not be a very good Dad so she not confident leaving them with him for that long, especially a 3 year old. Men who are not very hands on or patient can have difficulties coping with toddler meal times (getting them to eat so that they don't kick off later because they are hungry) and settling them to sleep which can take a lot of patience at that age. He may be the type who has no patience, will just expect child to eat without encouragement and remove food after a few minutes if not eaten, will put to bed quickly, lights out and walk out leaving child to cry whereas mum my spend time getting child settled, read story, relax them to sleep etc. After a few days of that mum will return home to a fractious toddler clinging to her whose routine has been turned upside down, messy house, angry husband etc and that might be if things go well not badly! So your friend might not feel a trip away is worth all the pieces she will have to pick up on her return or worse still the risk to the toddler if Dad is so hands off that he won't anticipate potential dangers.

I think it's normal for a mother not to want to leave her 2 year old for a few days. I think it is especially normal when a friend is putting pressure on her to spend lots of money and go on a weekend away somewhere she hasn't chosen and probably isn't that bothered about going.

Just have a lovely hen night in your own town, invite all your friends so the pressure isn't wholly placed on one friend, and everyone can have a good night and then go home to their own beds and have the rest of the weekend to do their own stuff.

It wouldn't have been normal for me- but I guess we are all different- and I was lucky enough to have great grandparents a short distance away - not sure my 1st husband would have been keen . Maybe this is about money too OP or a bolshy partner- People don't like to admit that

I think it’s fair enough and petty common tbh but also completely understand how it would impact your friendship. I don’t mean falling out or anything but it would potentially make me focus more on other friends who were more on my wavelength/stage of life, as our interests and priorities would feel more aligned.

I was happy to leave mine at home with their dad at that age (and younger) and so were most of my friends but then I guess birds of a feather tend to flock together?

I'm really not asking to be prioritised, I just simply want to see my friend for dinner occasionally, that's all and perhaps a little hen night away.

Apparently that makes me self absorbed too!

Confused as to why so many people are over analysing this. The majority of mums don't want to leave their kids. And that's fine.