Friend won't leave kids for a few days with husband

[Whattodo17xx]

My friend and I are mid 30's. She is married with two kids. I'm getting married next year (no kids). Been friends since we were 8!

I am having a very low key wedding, max 16 people and would like to go away with my friend for 1-2 nights somewhere like Paris instead of a hen do next year. Just us two. Her kids will be 7 & nearly 3. Her husband works full time from home. I suggested going away Fri-Sun over the school holidays.

She has basically said no because her youngest wouldn't cope that long without her.

Is this normal for women not to want to leave their kids at this age? Having no kids it seems OTT to me but then again, I don't know what it's like.

AIBU to think she could easily have a few days away with me with a years notice?

It’s quite simple. Imagine a women who absolutely doesn’t want to be left alone to deal with her very young children alone at the weekend. She goes for a weekend away in Paris with her mate. This then sets a precedent where her husband expects that he can go for a weekend to Prague with the lads. She’s had her jolly so can’t reasonably object so is landed with the kids. This might not be worth it to her.

OP your update makes you so unreasonable, selfish and frankly trying to be controlling

But is it not ok to request some 1 on 1 time with my friend as well? I
no, it's not. You don't "request" for a friend to do anything.

don't want to talk about children all of the time, I want to enjoy her company.
fair enough, she should be able to talk about something else, even when the children are around, but having kids has to give a different focus to your life unfortunately, or you are a really shit parent.

Does she work? Does she even get to spend her time with her own kids, or does she only have weekends?

But is it not ok to request some 1 on 1 time with my friend as well?

Of course it ok to ask. Did anyone suggest it wasn't?

,Likewise its okay for her to say no.

Normal yea, I wouldn’t have gone away at those ages. You don’t want to leave the kids, the kids dont want you to leave them, it will cost money and it’s not the kind of life you are wanting atm. Having children changes you.

To be honest if I was 18 again then yes, I'd love to hop on a plane and party abroad with my mates. These days I genuinely get more enjoyment from being with my family, and other close-knit families. Don't get me wrong, my husband and I still go on dates just the two of us, and I still meet friends for dinner etc, but "requesting 1 on 1 time" as you put it is VERY different from requesting nearly half a week abroad (and hundreds of pounds in expenses).

I would have said no when they were that age too. However I probably would have said yes to a cheap UK break. I wouldn't have wanted to be a plane ride away should anything have gone wrong and I would have wanted the money spent on somewhere like Paris to go towards a family holiday or time away with DH. I would have just said I couldn't leave them though.

There is no right or wrong here, there is no normal, families just have to do what's right for them.

OP if she won't / can't even go for dinner without DC then of course this was never going to work. There is absolutely no point in being annoyed with her. It sounds like your friendship is likely to drift apart eventually as you are so different and have different priorities.

I was very much like your friend but for different reasons. For me, it was as much about money - a weekend in Paris would cost a fortune. Yes I could have saved up over the year for it, but if saving that amount - I would have rather spend it on a trip with my family. A weekend in Paris with a friend wouldn't have appealed to me at all.

I was in a similar situation and the friendship definitely fizzled out shortly after as my friend just couldn't understand why I didn't want to go on a trip dictated by her.

That being said, I would have met my friends for dinner once or twice a year without any DC with me.

Everyone I know would feel comfortable going away for a couple of days without their children.

I’d also have bitten your hand off OP.

I didn’t have so much as an hour away from my DD for months and months, think I managed a lunch out with a friend around 6 or 7 months, but built that up steadily. Had to leave her overnight for work when she was 1, and since then a couple of 2 night work trips and also been away with friends - couple of times for 1 night and once for 2 nights.

Do I feel totally comfortable and relaxed about it? No not really, I always feel a bit anxious and that old mum guilt feeling, but I’m always really glad to have done it. I miss DD a lot, she’s very much a mummy’s girl and has a strong preference for it to be me to do bedtime etc. BUT she has a fantastic dad who loves her and is a perfectly competent parent who is capable of looking after her and, once I’m not there she just gets on with it quite happily.

DH has also had breaks and nights away with friends. We both need time away and can cope without the other for a couple of days, and DD benefits from knowing both parents are equally capable of caring for her plus the at home parent usually plans something nice to do with her whilst the other is away.

My friend wants to go away for 4 nights next year - I’m considering it. It might be a bit of a stretch but I’m not ruling it out yet.

But then we have the budget to be able to do these things and still have family trips/ holidays - they would always take precedence and if we couldn’t do both then it would be the separate trips we’d drop. We also only have one, NT child who - whilst she’s a total handful - is manageable by one parent. It might be different if we’d ever had a second.

well, yes. Because it's hard work to solo parent two kids all weekend, so to choose to go away for leisure is asking the other parent to do you a favour. It doesn't mean you never do it, but you have to be judicious about when and how often. This isn't a "dads don't do childcare" situation, it's just a question of how two parents balance the labour of parenting.

I don't know why your friend doesn't feel able to leave her kids for so long but hopefully this thread has shown you there are plenty of valid reasons, they vary from family to family, and that you are incredibly poorly placed to judge how 'easily' she can do what you want her to do.

My friends and I have all been comfortable leaving our children overnight from a young age. Some would only leave for 1 night, some for up to a week. Some left from 6 months, others chose to wait until they were a little older.

We all had the same mind that if the child is with their dad, then they're being looked after by a parent who loves them.

The children cope just fine with it and in some cases have a blast.

I accept other mums think differently to us.

I think most mothers would feel able to leave their 3 and 7 yo with their Dad for a weekend. You say it's because she says her 3 yo wouldn't cope and I guess that's not uncommon.

I went back to work, which involves travel so both my children were used to me not being around from quite a young age. By 3 they absolutely understood what 2 nights meant and would be excited about all the special things they'd do with their Dad. This did mean, however that I would not want to leave them to go on a jolly.

Of course there could be a million other reasons she feels unable to go away for a w/e but she is using this one as her reason because you can't really argue with it, can you.

Different folks different strokes, if you've been friends since you were 8 you should be able to respect that her feelings about going away and leaving her children for that long differ to yours. If you want to do Fri-Sun in Paris, that's your choice, as equally as it is her choice not to come :-)

Ask me instead!!

Some people don’t like leaving their kids, I was happy to, once they were no longer bfing, their dad just filled in the gaps for a few days when I went away and vice versa. He’s as hands on a parent as I am so no worries that he wouldn’t cope.
We’ve both had weekends away with friends every year since the kids were little.
Your friend seems on the side of not wanting to go away without her kids, I think you just have to accept this one.

Before I had my DD I would’ve thought the same as you!

Now, I wouldn’t leave her for a weekend. I
jist don’t want to. Plus, it’s expensive.

I travelled & partied all through my 20’s & 30’s & now I want to be with my DD. I do have 2 overnight hen do’s next year but that’s my limit.

I would just do something else with her & go away for a weekend with other friends.

I left my children overnight to go away with friends from about a year as that's what my children and I were comfortable with. I have friends who have left their children at under a month old and others who were still breastfeeding at night at 3 so wouldn't have left for even an evening. Each family is different. There is no right or wrong. You would be unreasonable to pressure or judge your friend, she has made her feelings clear.

You have no basis to say its the majority. It's certainly not a majority of mothers I know, all of whom will go for dinner or a weekend away without their children.

I'm childfree and used to think think it was a bit weird my friend wouldn't leave her kids for a couple of nights when they were younger and then this is going to sound silly, I adopted a couple of cats.

Now I get anxious about leaving them in someone else's care even though unlike children they don't require much care and will be happy as long as they are fed and have a bit of human interaction each day.

OP - in my experience, there are women who are actively aiming to have time away from their children for their own and their children's benefit and women who actively avoid being away from their children for the same reason.

I don't necessarily think either one is right or wrong. But I do know that for me personally, I have found it very difficult to maintain or build real friendships with women in the latter category.

In my broader circle, every single woman I know would be fine with a trip to Paris with her children at this age. If the younger child was a bit clingy, it may well be that she might suggest just one night rather than two or that there'd be a low level of anxiety while away, but they'd do it.

I also know plenty of women who wouldn't.

I think your friend is being unreasonable about not coming out for dinner without her children at this point - it's reasonable for that to start to affect friendships. But I understand why she might not feel comfortable with a weekend away.

My DH is taking the kids away for a week in a few months and I am feeling a bit uncertain about it - even though they will be 5 and 7

Seems to me that OP is supposed to validate and respect her friends needs, but not expect anything at all in return from the friend, because she's a mother?

Hell no to that. OP is important too.

My children are a bit younger, and I'm sure they'd cope perfectly fine. But they'd probably find it a upsetting (my eldest in particular) and I'd miss them. So I wouldn't want to go tbh.

Yeh I think its one of those things though that often friends have the same outlook on. None of my friends would have suggested going away on girlie trips when the DC were small as we all had similar approaches to parenting. It was only my friends without any DC that suggested it.

These are her children therefore it’s her decision regarding their best interest.

I’d not want to go away for a weekend as the cost and planning involved leaving the children would outdo any advantage.
Congratulations on your future marriage, hope it’s long and happy for you both.

AIBU to think she could easily have a few days away with me with a years notice?

I sincerely hope you haven’t spoken to your friend with this tone. Whether she wants to go away or not you’re being very presumptuous that it would be easy. For a first her partner would likely have to take leave on the Friday to look after their children. For some mum’s, a weekend away would be a delight, for others it would cause them more stress than it’s worth. Actually the year’s notice is no help at all because she will have no idea what situation her children will be in in a year’s time. You’re effectively asking her to predict if she would be comfortable leaving her children next year, she won’t know how dependant her youngest will be on her by then.
I also think you’re putting a lot of pressure on her to want a 1 on 1 weekend away instead of a conventional hen do where all of your friends go. If I had asked my friend to do what you have and she gave the reasons your friend has, my response would be “no problem, I’m sure we can come up with another idea to celebrate!”. It would certainly not be to question whether she is a “normal” mother. You are obviously very good friends with her to have wanted to arrange this anyway, I would suggest you use this thread to reflect on how good of a friend you are to her. You don’t seem to consider or care about her feelings at all, it all seems to be about what you want. You may not have experience of being a mother but it doesn’t mean you should be completely void of compassion.