Friend won't leave kids for a few days with husband

[Whattodo17xx]

My friend and I are mid 30's. She is married with two kids. I'm getting married next year (no kids). Been friends since we were 8!

I am having a very low key wedding, max 16 people and would like to go away with my friend for 1-2 nights somewhere like Paris instead of a hen do next year. Just us two. Her kids will be 7 & nearly 3. Her husband works full time from home. I suggested going away Fri-Sun over the school holidays.

She has basically said no because her youngest wouldn't cope that long without her.

Is this normal for women not to want to leave their kids at this age? Having no kids it seems OTT to me but then again, I don't know what it's like.

AIBU to think she could easily have a few days away with me with a years notice?

I left both mine regularly for work trips from being small so it’s pretty normal to me but from the number of people taking aback by me doing it I suspect it’s not normal to leave pre school kids unless it’s maybe with their grandparents for a night away with your partner.

I just made a post about separation anxiety with my children so I feel I can relate tk this.
I think that do you're not in the situation it feels very unreasonable and silly but separation anxiety is a real thing and you j can't just turn it off when it's inconvenient.

I absolutely think your feelings are justified and I would be feeling upset too, but it's very important to know that the way she feels isn't a choice and she probably feels worse then you.
M why don't you see if you can do something more local together which you'd both be happy with?

It's not! Please do not lump us all in together, all the mothers I know are perfectly happy to leave their children for a few days, and why wouldn't they be?

Case by case basis.

Some Mums as you've seen here wouldn't do so, other Mums are perfectly fine with it.

Find another friend to go with.

Every parent does what they feel is right in their circumstances. There is no right or wrong.

How big is her support network and how hands-on parent is the father would be the determining factors here.

Lots of people think their kids won't cope, but realistically they'd be fine.

Why??

People seem to do this on every other thread these days 'if a man posted this he'd be attacked'.

Why on earth would anyone have a problem with a man or woman planning a weekend away with a pal a year in advance? Bizarre.

Probably using the kids as an excuse.

There could be many reasons as to why she doesn't want to leave her family and go on holiday with you.

There could be all kinds of reasons

• money might be tight but she's too proud to admit it
• if she works in the week she might feel that the trade off is she prioritises her children at the weekend
• her other half might be controlling (I lost so many friends because they didn't realise it was my exH not letting me do things)
• health of husband or child, or any other factor that means they would find it harder
• she just doesn't fancy the trip
• her child is just a sensitive soul and not ready yet

Honestly, I think you cant ask people on a long weekend that will cost a fair amount and take it remotely personally if they say no

YABU

Maybe 1 day or night.

But 2-3 days/ nights is too much of an ask.

I'd say no purely because dh would have to do all the parenting that weekend, fine in theory but that then means I kind of owe him and I don't want to owe him for a weekend that made me skint and I didn't enjoy (as all we did was controlled by someone else).

It's actually easier over work days because (assuming youngest is in childcare) it's just drop offs, pick ups and bed times to sort out.

You have to 'owe' your husband for looking after his kids one weekend?

I would struggle with this for a few reasons, I would miss my kids and they would miss me, it’s a lot of work for one parent to do even though he’s perfectly capable, it means DH doesn’t get a weekend, if I was going somewhere expensive like that I would want to go with my DH.

Really depends on the parent. DS is 10 months and I left him for a weekend at 6 months, I couldn't imagine feeling uncomfortable with it when the child isn't even a baby but everyone is different.

Like pp's have said, it could be a cover for something else too such as financial issues, useless DH who wouldn't be able to cope etc.

Not my post, but presumably what she means is that she would have set a precedent so if her husband wanted a weekend away she couldn’t object and would then be lumbered with all the childcare and blow to the family finances.

"Normal" is completely subjective. Some people are happy leaving their kids, some people aren't, even for one night. Instead of judging her just respect her boundaries.

I left mine at that age because my ex was a very capable father and I knew that our child would be fine. Of course I missed him, but those weekends away kept me and my ex sane and helped us keep in touch with friends and hobbies.

Maybe your friend doesn't trust her husband to be so capable, or she doesn't have money to spare?

No he wouldn't. Not by any of us with sense. In a normal healthy relationship/family, its entirely normal for each to have outside interests, trips, friends, holidays.

Some people may insist you have to spend all of your time togther, always, but frankly that's weird and unhealthy.

What do you mean by this? Do you not think it's ok for either parent to leave children of that age?

It's entirely possible that her youngest wouldn't cope if they've never been left. Is the youngest in nursery?

That said, it's completely and utterly normal for a mother to leave a weaned child with their other parent for a weekend in my circle. Thank god. I would have bitten your hand off OP!

I also have a few childfree friends, some by choice, some not and think they deserve childfree time with me! They're my friends, I love them, why wouldn't I want to spend time with them?

The other thing is that if it is in a year then her youngest is presumably nearly/ just 2 right now. So what she really means is that her one year old would not cope right now. Which is very common.

Guessing how a child will change between 2 and 3 is incredibly difficult - I am 44 right now so it is the equivalent of guessing how I will be aged 66. No clue! Hopefully retired!

People are different. I wouldn’t leave my child for more than one night, and I certainly wouldn’t leave the country!

I recently took my best friends 9 year old away with us for 3 nights- she let her come but she missed her and was glad to have her back. No way would she leave them and go abroad either.

@Whattodo17xx you need to decide what you want- a weekend abroad or a trip with your friend (in which case it will have to be something she is comfortable with). Which is more important to you?

It will be one of a number of reasons she doesn't want to go.

Having a 3yo does make trips like that more complex and demanding and you definitely can't do it often, but if you really want to go you'll find a way.

I wouldn't, and consequently have lost friendships with childless 'friends' who didn't respect this. I'd like to think that now they have their own children they are a little more understanding that everyone's boundaries are different and their wants don't trump my family's needs 🤷‍♀️

I wouldn't have left my DD at 3. She was clingy and needed me in the night. I think it's just a matter of priorities and to be honest not much takes priority over your children. To look at it another way, I don't think you will have a great time if she does go and is fretting and stressed throughout.