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AIBU?

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Original poster

Friend won't leave kids for a few days with husband

1000 replies

Whattodo17xx · 02/10/2023 10:19

My friend and I are mid 30's. She is married with two kids. I'm getting married next year (no kids). Been friends since we were 8!

I am having a very low key wedding, max 16 people and would like to go away with my friend for 1-2 nights somewhere like Paris instead of a hen do next year. Just us two. Her kids will be 7 & nearly 3. Her husband works full time from home. I suggested going away Fri-Sun over the school holidays.

She has basically said no because her youngest wouldn't cope that long without her.

Is this normal for women not to want to leave their kids at this age? Having no kids it seems OTT to me but then again, I don't know what it's like.

AIBU to think she could easily have a few days away with me with a years notice?

OP posts:
SouthLondonMum22 · 03/10/2023 16:27

MargotBamborough · 03/10/2023 15:55

I'm sorry you had to go through that.

However, the phrase "main caregiver" in the context of a relationship where the two parents are living together makes my hackles rise a bit.

If the dads were pulling their weight (which requires effort from them but also willingness on the part of the mums to let them do stuff), there would be no "main caregiver", but two, equally involved and competent parents.

Neither I nor my husband is the "main caregiver" to our children.

Show quote history

Same here. I made it clear from the start that I will not be the default parent just because I have a vagina.

CharlotteBog · 03/10/2023 16:30

GCSister · 03/10/2023 16:10

You'd actually hate it if a childhood friend asked you to do something nice to celebrate her getting married? Just because you happened to get married and have children first??

Show quote history

I was recently told about a trip a bunch of friends planned to do. She knew I wouldn't be able to go (lone parent), but didn't want to leave me out.

My book club are planning a w/e away. The plan was mooted on our group chat. I can't go and I presume they've set up a separate group to make plans.

I'd feel more upset if I was excluded tbh.

SouthLondonMum22 · 03/10/2023 16:31

YewTree84 · 03/10/2023 16:13

@LittleMissUnreasonable are you married with kids? Serious question, I just find this interesting.

From my perspective, I've done holidays, nights out, festivals when I was younger. I just have no desire whatsoever to do that stuff now. It's not a personality transplant, it's just moving on and growing up. I enjoy nothing more now that spending time in my family unit, doing stuff with them.

I'd probably have shared your opinion a few years ago.

I'm married with DC and feel the same way as pp.

I don't understand how going on holiday with friends, nights out etc isn't a grown up thing? Personally, I need more than just my DH and DC. They are part of my life, a very important part but they aren't my whole life.

Mel2023 · 03/10/2023 16:36

Personally if it was me I’d love a girly weekend away and this sounds like heaven. My little boy is 17 months and I’d have no problems leaving him with his Dad or grandparents and have done several times. However, I have friends who absolutely wouldn’t do that and that’s totally ok and their choice. If she isn’t comfortable you should respect it. She knows her kids and there’ll be a reason. What if she went away with you and spent the whole time worried and unable to enjoy herself? Is there an option to go away in the UK rather than abroad? She may feel more comfortable being able to get home easier if there’s an issue. Why not explain you’d love to do something with her (I’m sure she’d love to do something with you too) and ask what boundaries she has, such as destination, time away etc. then decide based on that?

loislovesstewie · 03/10/2023 16:38

There isn't a right or wrong way; it's what each person feels comfortable with. Your friend isn't comfortable leaving her children for a couple of days, others might be pleased of the break. That's it.

GCSister · 03/10/2023 16:45

I don't understand how going on holiday with friends, nights out etc isn't a grown up thing?

This. I have a better social life now than when I was in my 20's!

LuckySantangelo35 · 03/10/2023 17:11

@YewTree84

yeah I'd hate it because it'd be a predicament. I'd understand why she wanted the trip but deep down i really wouldn't want to go. Just being honest!”

yeah but you’d suck it up and go wouldn’t you for the sake of your friend wouldn’t you, so it’s all good

LuckySantangelo35 · 03/10/2023 17:12

I can’t believe some people on here think it’s immature to go away for a weekend with friends to celebrate their marriage.

I genuinely don’t understand!!

bonkers

Cornettoninja · 03/10/2023 17:14

yeah but you’d suck it up and go wouldn’t you for the sake of your friend wouldn’t you, so it’s all goo

Why would you make yourself do something you didn’t want to? How’s ‘martyring’ yourself to your friends any better than ‘martyring’ yourself to you family?

LuckySantangelo35 · 03/10/2023 17:16

@Cornettoninja

yes one should cos you’d probably enjoy it once you’re there and it’s important to your friend

Uklady23 · 03/10/2023 17:23

I have a nearly 3 year old and nearly 5 year old and I wouldn't be comfortable leaving them. Mum guilt is something I never imagined having prior to having kids. I wouldn't judge your friend for this also if your choosing to have a low key wedding maybe do a low key hen do where you have a simple night out

Womencanlift · 03/10/2023 17:27

The thing I have taken away from this thread is that rightly or wrongly I would step back from a friendship where I had invested (both financially and in time) in their key life moments but they didn’t have the courtesy to do the same for me just because it came later

Fortunately I have a lovely mixed group of parents and non parent friends and know this won’t come up for us. Actually I think one of my friends has read this thread as she (a parent) has put on our group chat this afternoon “does anyone fancy a weekend in Paris?” 👋👋 hi friend!

Been an interesting read. OP hope you have the send off to married life that you want and deserve

PandaExpress · 03/10/2023 17:36

LittleMissUnreasonable · 03/10/2023 16:21

That was so rude! Why is it a personality transplant, just because you don't want to go away with friends anymore? And you'd rather be with your family?
@PandaExpress I wasn't referring to you, who seems to really dislike the concept of friends, but rather the previous poster who enjoyed doing things with friends until she married and had kids. I was wondering as it seemed a complete 180 from her old interests. Why not enjoy both. Why does it have to be "friends" or "DH/kids".

🤣 Where have I shown that I dislike the concept of friends?
I've commented saying I have friends and that I go out with my friends.
I've had loads of girls holidays pre marriage.
By your logic, the only way you can enjoy having friends as an adult, is if you're willing to go away with them for the weekend. Which is just rubbish.

Blueflower1612 · 03/10/2023 17:37

No one is implying that anything child related is the opposite of having a life. I love my child and most of my life is focussed on him but does that mean I would never have a weekend away with friends. Absolutely not.

PandaExpress · 03/10/2023 17:40

@LuckySantangelo35 I haven't seen anybody suggest it's immature to want to go away with their friends.
I've said that people evolve and don't want to do the same things. Did you take that differently? I also said to somebody 'grow up' because they just commented with 'puke' like a weird child.

SouthLondonMum22 · 03/10/2023 17:46

PandaExpress · 03/10/2023 17:40

@LuckySantangelo35 I haven't seen anybody suggest it's immature to want to go away with their friends.
I've said that people evolve and don't want to do the same things. Did you take that differently? I also said to somebody 'grow up' because they just commented with 'puke' like a weird child.

@YewTree84 did. She said not wanting to go on holidays etc was part of growing up and moving on.

If it isn't grown up to go on holiday with a friend then clearly, it must be immature according to pp if you're a parent who enjoys it.

Tomorrowillbeachicken · 03/10/2023 17:48

I have a child with complex needs. I left him for a weekend with his father for the first time last year. He was 10.

EaudeJavel · 03/10/2023 17:53

PandaExpress · 03/10/2023 17:40

@LuckySantangelo35 I haven't seen anybody suggest it's immature to want to go away with their friends.
I've said that people evolve and don't want to do the same things. Did you take that differently? I also said to somebody 'grow up' because they just commented with 'puke' like a weird child.

quite.

I have done my fair share of clubbing, backpacking, I've done a couple of "student" gap years and the rest. It was fun then, I can't be bothered to do it now. You can call me old or boring, I don't care. My holidays, my choice.

I am just as interested in travelling as I was before, but not in the same conditions.

My kids used to love Peppa Pig's world, funnily enough, they are not that interested in going anymore. They've changed, that's life. It only means they can now go to different amusement parks btw.

I am not missing travelling for work either, you don't actually get to see much of the countries when you are on flying visits , and I don't find jetlag especially "fun" when I have kids to deal with. (excuse the puns).

To reply to the nasty post a bit above boasting how they needed all the props to feel like an independent person, well I don't, I don't need to post pics of airport lounges to have a personality or an identity 😂

AllyArty · 03/10/2023 17:54

It’s a bit unusual but I kind of get it. Would she be comfortable with a day out - at a spa or something like that?

Kentucky83 · 03/10/2023 17:57

My daughter is 7. I wouldn't go and leave her for more than 1 night, and even that takes a lot of planning and I wouldn't go abroad - when we have done it she has stayed with my Mam so me and DH can go to a gig or similar.
Everyone is different but I wouldn't feel comfortable going away without her and wouldn't enjoy myself. Please respect your friend's boundaries here.

Cornettoninja · 03/10/2023 17:58

LuckySantangelo35 · 03/10/2023 17:16

@Cornettoninja

yes one should cos you’d probably enjoy it once you’re there and it’s important to your friend

Ok, but it’s still martyring yourself to make yourself do something you don’t actually want to isn’t it? Regardless of who it’s for.

Clarabell77 · 03/10/2023 18:00

I wouldn’t be up for it unless I was so flush with cash that going away for a weekend wouldn’t have any impact financially and we were constantly taking the kids away for great weekends away/holidays. At a push I would do an overnight in a nearby city and that’s all even myself and husband do without the kids(rarely!). Maybe when they’re older…

Whyamiherenow · 03/10/2023 18:02

I first left my baby overnight when he was 6 weeks old (while breast feeding). I left him for two nights when he was 13 months old. I am happy to leave him with his dad or grandparents so I can have a break. I am lucky that I chose to have a baby with someone who is an active and involved dad. We believe it’s healthy for us all to have our own time. But …. Not everybody thinks like that or wants that. That’s fine too.

Buffs · 03/10/2023 18:03

I wouldn’t have left my children at that age.

Lilyburnspotts · 03/10/2023 18:07

I've left my just turned 3 year old with grandparents or dad for a night but that's the most I will leave him. The most I ever left any of my kids at 3 was for one night. You've said it yourself, you are not a parent. Also, have I missed something or is this site not 'mums' net anymore? Did you make an account just to ask this question rather than trusting that your friend can make a decision concerning her own life?

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