Friend won't leave kids for a few days with husband

[Whattodo17xx]

My friend and I are mid 30's. She is married with two kids. I'm getting married next year (no kids). Been friends since we were 8!

I am having a very low key wedding, max 16 people and would like to go away with my friend for 1-2 nights somewhere like Paris instead of a hen do next year. Just us two. Her kids will be 7 & nearly 3. Her husband works full time from home. I suggested going away Fri-Sun over the school holidays.

She has basically said no because her youngest wouldn't cope that long without her.

Is this normal for women not to want to leave their kids at this age? Having no kids it seems OTT to me but then again, I don't know what it's like.

AIBU to think she could easily have a few days away with me with a years notice?

I think it's odd but then I left mine at that age for weekends away with friends. Did us all the world of good to have a breather. I had a capable husband, maybe she doesn't.

Now my DDs are young adults I'm very pleased that I did make time for friends and I still have a group to do things with. It's important to nourish friendships, kids grow up quickly. It's also good for them to see you have a life other than 'mum'.

I wouldn't have left my children at those ages.

Op sorry everyone is getting onto you, fairly normal question to ask.

I think if your friend is being a 2 year old to dinner at 8pm(!) then she isn’t the type of person who will do a weekend away, probably never.

i’d recommend if you’re planning on having kids on branching out and having some other mum friends as well who are of the same mind. Or you’ll be getting a lot of judgement in future if you decide you’re an independent person outside of your kids

It kind of does, to be honest.

I'm childless too and I do understand how it feels when friends have children and it can feel like friendships take a back seat and the kids are always around.

But that's just the way life is.

Things change and people's priorities change, especially when they have children. If you are really someone's friend, then you accept their boundaries and celebrate them for who they are (kids and all).

Embrace the fact that she has children and that she will most likely be seeing you with her children present from now on. What's actually wrong with that? Your relationship has changed, that's life.

If you can't accept and understand this about her then to be honest yes, you do sound a bit self absorbed.

Mine are preteen age and I still wouldn’t want to go away for a weekend without them. I wouldn’t enjoy it and would spend the whole time thinking about whether they were ok.

You trying to force my hand, demanding I leave my dependant children would make me reevaluate our friendship. Your wants do not trump how she feels about her children’s welfare.

As for the meal out, that sounds crazy and YANBU. Have you spoken to her about whether she is ok? Perhaps she is the problem rather than the children. Not wanting to leave your children for extended periods is not unusual. Taking your young child to an adult dinner at 8pm when there is another parent at home is not normal. I would have cancelled on her at this point as, you are quite right, it does change the dynamic of what was intended.

Well, when I left my 2yo (I went into hospital, so it was unavoidable), he scratched at the front door in the middle of the night. I didn’t want to leave him, I had no choice. You need to respect your friend’s judgement regarding her own children and understand that whether or not it’s “normal”, it is what she needs to do.

If a friend pressured me to leave my kids against my judgement at that time (or judged me for my decision), I would re-evaluate the friendship.

I wouldn’t be up for it and can well imagine using my kids as an excuse (do this all the time!)

I go out with my friends several times a month to restaurants in London etc but I’m not as a life stage where I’d be excited for a weekend away someone else has chosen to celebrate their life milestone. I’ll be delighted for their marriage and bring a lovely present on the day but I wouldn’t let it inform my precious holiday and weekend plans. Frankly I don’t care that much.

My kids would be fine for a weekend but as PPs say, I’d then ‘owe’ my partner a weekend where I would be left parenting solo which is a slog of a weekend as far as I’m concerned. I wouldn’t mind this if I got a ‘dream weekend’ in exchange for one of slog but celebrating someone else in a destination of their choice isnt my idea of dream weekend. Maybe she feels the same.

I also note that people are saying "assuming there's no additional needs" - the youngest child here is not even two if I've read the OP right, not many autistic children for example get a diagnosis before 2!!!

Not to say all children who are clingy/have separation anxiety are autistic of course, but it just brings to mind a friend of mine with a 5yo who has been slagged off by her friends and family for "mollycoddling" her needy child for years. She's recently had two different diagnoses that seem to explain her difficulties, now the same family and friends are having to eat their words!

Go for one night somewhere lovely but closer to home. She will be comfortable and you will therefore both have a better time.

when my kids were that age there was so much to think about / organise/ worry about that going away was not worth it.

Honestly, if any parent can't cope with their own children for one weekend alone without a family network to help, theres something wrong.

And I'd have been pissed off with a friend bringing her kid to dinner at 8pm.

As far as I'm concerned, I make lots of effort with my friend. Kids are 99% of the time in tow with her which is fine. But is it not ok to request some 1 on 1 time with my friend as well? I don't want to talk about children all of the time, I want to enjoy her company.

I’d stop making so much effort. Let her organise the next meet up, it doesn’t always need to be you.

You may find that if you have kids she won’t be involved much with you as her kids will be at a different stage.

Don’t put all your eggs in one basket.

It doesn't really matter what is "normal", she doesn't want to do this trip but you're such a great 'friend' that you're whinning on social media that she doesn't meet your view of a normal mother. She doesn't need pressure.

God, me too.

I feel this a LOT!

But given that she took a 3yo out for dinner rather than leave them with their dad, you can’t be surprised at this surely.

What Mumsnet are you on? Loads on here can’t wait to get away from their kids.

I have a 7 year old and a nearly 2 year old.

I'll come to Paris!

@whatnot929 I expect your kids are in full time school or nursery. That’s very different to parents at home with kids around all or a lot of the time!

When I was at home with mine a lot when they were a little, a weekend solo parenting would just about finish me off.

Who's the then 4 year old? OP says the youngest will still be 2 at the time they go. Children that age can often by very reliant on their mother.

Why does it have to be a trip to Paris? Why not one day away closer to home?

Friday to Monday is quite a long time away from your children especially if she is a hands on mother. Might she be agreeable to maybe one or two nights away somewhere nice in this country or maybe three nights aboard Paris, Dubrovnik, Ibiza etc.

It could also be the cost (but she doesn’t want to say), her partner maybe isn’t keen on her going away with out him or he isn’t used to taking responsibility for the kids on his own for more than a couple of hours, or she may be trying for another baby or be in the early stages of another pregnancy and doesn’t want to say or commit yet etc. Or it could just be your friend has never had the opportunity to do this before so is worried about doing so. We had children when we were in our late 30’s so neither set of GP’s were willing or able to look after our kids for more than a few hours at a time and they never had sleepovers so it took until I had to go into hospital for 6 days when they were both about 8 and 9
for me to leave mine for more than a few hours even after giving birth to the youngest I had never left them over night before and they were fine.

If not you might have to settle on a nice spa day or finding someone else to go away with. Most peoples priorities and view points change quiet a bit once they have had children you are certainly not unreasonable to ask but you maybe have to change what you want to do if you particularly want this friend along or find someone else who is up for it.

I think a lot of people use their kids as an excuse to not do things. Might she be doing that?

I'd be delighted to get away with a friend. I wouldn't expect to be vilified for it and would return the "favour" if DH was invited elsewhere.

They'd be staying at home with their other parent. It really shouldn't be a big deal.

Does it not worry you that your 7 year old couldn’t cope if you were away from him for a night?

My DH works away a lot and so is regularly away from our 6 year old. I’m always here and honestly, I wouldn’t want to leave her either. It’s not because I don’t trust DH or think something will happen, I just like being around her more than I’d like to go on a hen weekend to Paris (even if I loved my friend). Other people would choose differently. I wouldn’t judge them and I hope they wouldn’t judge me.