Friend won't leave kids for a few days with husband

[Whattodo17xx]

My friend and I are mid 30's. She is married with two kids. I'm getting married next year (no kids). Been friends since we were 8!

I am having a very low key wedding, max 16 people and would like to go away with my friend for 1-2 nights somewhere like Paris instead of a hen do next year. Just us two. Her kids will be 7 & nearly 3. Her husband works full time from home. I suggested going away Fri-Sun over the school holidays.

She has basically said no because her youngest wouldn't cope that long without her.

Is this normal for women not to want to leave their kids at this age? Having no kids it seems OTT to me but then again, I don't know what it's like.

AIBU to think she could easily have a few days away with me with a years notice?

If a woman was posting complaining then he deserves his ass handing to him. In that situation it isn't an agreement between the 2 parents and you always need agreement not a dictatorship.

Given what you said about going out to dinner - Sounds like her youngest is a difficult sleeper or at least difficult to settle without her, maybe quite clingy generally.

I can fully understand why she’d not want to leave them for 2 nights in those circumstances. She’d return to an upset, overtired grumpy toddler and probably a rather grumpy husband too who’d have been wrangling a fractious child (plus an older one) solo all weekend.

It may all be very different by next year but she can’t be sure of that.

It’s not about “priorities”, I expect she may LOVE the idea of a weekend in Paris with you, but it’s outweighed by the negatives for her child, her husband and herself when she returns.

If her child will be nearly 3 next year they are nearly 2 now. They haven't hit the terrible twos yet. She'll be begging you for a night away come next year.

Unfortunately, I think this is a tale as old as time. When you have kids, your priorities change, especially when they are little and 3 years old is very little. I would have probably felt the same as you before having kids. That's not patronising, just reality. I am able to see my friends and go away for a night occasionally but understand that it's just not possible for some, and that can also change over time depending on circumstances. All of my close friends have kids and absolutely understand this as well. It may be difficult now and may get a lot easier for her as the kids get older. It is right that her children are her priority and if you can't understand that, then unfortunately, it sounds like your friendship may drift apart.

I started doing overnights for work when my oldest was 3. He was ok for one, maybe two nights. But he was very upset after I did 10 nights away for work shortly after his 4th birthday.

Some children are fine at 3, others are not. I also think it depends on the reason - extended to.e away for work was something I was more comfortable with than a holiday. I have done quite a few late nights out or one night away since then though.

Perhaps look at an.option that is only one night away of you really want to do something specifically with this friend?

But she is expecting a lot from her friend. She wants a one on one trip away instead of the conventional hen do. Which is absolutely fine to ask for, but if it’s not agreed to by her friend for whatever reason (whether it be financial, due to childcare, due to work) it should be respected. There is a weird way of thinking around weddings and associated events that everyone should accommodate the bride’s wishes. Of course we all try but we all have our own lives and it’s not fair to question whether a mother is normal or not because she doesn’t want to spend time away from her kids.

I think you just need to respect her wishes. There’s no normal or unnormal. My girl is almost 2 and whilst I’ve left her for a night, I wouldn’t do two. I work full time my weekends are precious family time.

OP it may be time for you to ditch this friend. YANBU at all to want child free time with your friend - a twice yearly dinner! - but as you can see from the thread there are some women (not my kind of woman) who think it is outrageous that you might expect such a thing.

I understand where you’re coming from OP.

Every single one of my mum friends, including me, have left our kids for a couple of days or longer, and much younger that your friend’s kids. I first left my 1 year old with my DH to attend a family funeral. Everything has been fine when we’ve each has a weekend away. My dad used to go away for 2 weeks at a time as he worked in the import business. And I remember my mum leaving me for a few days when I was 6 for a family wedding abroad. It was all fine.

Some other parents might not want to leave their kids, or your friend may be using it as a cover for not wanting to go due to money or something else.

I have to say though, both my best friends had kids before me and I never once thought to request some one on one time with them. I fully embraced their kids and new lifestyle.

It was a few weeks ago and her husband was fine to look after both her kids, but when I arrived to pick her up the youngest wasn't settled, and despite her husband telling her he would be fine, she ended up bringing him to dinner at 8pm.

Because the two year old wouldn’t settle she took him out to dinner, rather than leave him with his willing father? I'd be annoyed if I were that husband.

i think its way over the top - i leave my daughter all the time for weekends, have left her with husband for a week when she was 11 months old to go to my sisters wedding abroad, we leave her with my parents for a week every summer, i go to loads of weekends away with friends -shes fine.

Going away on the Friday would mean he has to take a days annual leave. I don't think it's really fair to dictate that. I have children a similar age and I wouldn't go away no but i know lots of My friends who do and do it regularly

Re-read the OP and realised I got it wrong, my eldest is probably the same age as the friend's youngest.

The majority of mothers in my circle of similar aged children haven't and wouldn't leave their child at this age. Some have, it's worked great for them and more power to them, but it's normal/common not to want to as well.

Also to be quite frank, money is tight and if I'm going to blow a load of money on a holiday then it's going to be a family holiday, sorry!

It's fine to request it, of course - but it's also fine for her to refuse your request.

But is it not ok to request some 1 on 1 time with my friend as well?

It's perfectly fine to ask. Just like it's fine for her to say no. Now you need to respect her answer. She's not abnormal, neither are mums who would happily spend a weekend away from their 3 year old DC. Id alsl think it's perfectly normal for a mum to regularly travel for work, or work away, or who work fly in fly out either. Mums come in all sorts.

Some DC have higher levels of need than others. Some really struggle with sleep. Maybe she's struggling with having two and doesn't feel up to a trip away. Maybe her DH isn't so dear and can't be trusted with the kids on his own. Maybe the 2 year old has very extreme behaviours around bedtime and only she can handle it safely, been there and it was a long 18 months before that was resolved.

I honestly do not understand some people on here, it’s a given that your child is a priority I don’t think that needs saying but honestly mums are still allowed to be themselves and have their own lives. I know for me personally, I have had nights away, been abroad twice, once for a hen do and once for work, and my child and husband both survived. So what if he had to solo parent for 2 days he’s a parent, had plenty of notice and looked after his child. I’m a better parent when I get time away from my child and get to see my friends without a child in tow.
of course the friend is absolutely entitled to say no and shouldn’t be pushed, but as a friend and a mother I’d be pissed off if my friend brought their child to an adult evening.
so in answer to your questions some parents and children can be without each-other for more than 30 seconds and the world will not implode

I've got a couple of abroad hen do's coming up for long weekends and my youngest will absolutely hate that I'm not there.

However, I know he will be perfectly fine with his Dad and I deserve a couple of days away to enjoy myself.

It's really up to preference.

Is it definitely the kids or do you think money may be tight and she's using that as an excuse? Her husband won't allow it? I think it's ok to be annoyed but you just need to accept what she's saying for what it is.

Is there someone else who can go with you?

A parents knows their kids better . If she think me one of them can’t cope then as a good friend you need to trust her and not grill her about it .
There is no such thing as “ normal “ in the “motherhood world “ some mums are fine leaving their babies with other childcare when they are a few days , others won’t until they are a few years old . None is wrong . Families just have different dinamics

I think given she wouldn't leave the kid behind for dinner, there's no way she'll do nights away.

But that doesn't mean you're self-absorbed or demanding or any of the other things that you've been accused of on this thread either. Of course parenthood changes us and friendships change around that, but equally all friendships are based on give and take. And it sounds like you do all the give.

I also observe a common MN phenomenon on this thread, where a couple of early posters set the responses for most of the following posters. This thread could quite easily have gone the other way with 100 posters saying friend is U.

I would struggle with this honestly. It’s the time and money yes, but also three days/nights is a lot to ask the other parent to do solo. He might be the best dad in the world but working all week then all the parenting all weekend (so no break at all for him) is a lot I think unless there is a good family network to help or the kids are immaculately behaved. I would accept what she is saying with grace and see if there is another way she can mark this moment with you, a nice evening out, a spa day or a day trip somewhere.

Most people I know would love to, especially if kids are with their father.

i think the longer you wait the more it becomes a big deal. It’s absolutely fine for either parents to go away and have I repent pursuits and interest outside of their children!

It's normal for some people.

It wouldn't be normal for me. I'd be happy to go to Paris and leave my kids with DH or GPs.

PS and I'm talking as the mother of a now 18 year old who is out in the world. Thank god I kept my friendships active...

It doesn't matter if you understand people or not. You respect their decision and feelings.

Of course mums are "Allowed" to do anything they want (within reason), and some parent are happy solo parenting for a week or much longer. Other parents are not.

Another thought - if the kids are in school/nursery then it would be easier in terms of sharing the load to do mid-week. Your only asking parent B to get them up/out then dinner, bath & bed. This is what works for us on the odd occasions I go away.