Friend won't leave kids for a few days with husband

[Whattodo17xx]

My friend and I are mid 30's. She is married with two kids. I'm getting married next year (no kids). Been friends since we were 8!

I am having a very low key wedding, max 16 people and would like to go away with my friend for 1-2 nights somewhere like Paris instead of a hen do next year. Just us two. Her kids will be 7 & nearly 3. Her husband works full time from home. I suggested going away Fri-Sun over the school holidays.

She has basically said no because her youngest wouldn't cope that long without her.

Is this normal for women not to want to leave their kids at this age? Having no kids it seems OTT to me but then again, I don't know what it's like.

AIBU to think she could easily have a few days away with me with a years notice?

I don’t see why either parent can’t take a few days off to go and spend some time with a friend. By saying her children won’t cope without her, she is effectively saying her husband is incapable of looking after the children. I thought we had moved on from those times

Willing to bet that everyone saying that they wouldn’t go on a friend’s hen do because they’re more adult now had bloody lovely hen dos themselves.

I said really early in the thread that I lost a lot of my friends once they became parents. This thread has been an eye opener into why.

Why would it take a lot of planning? When I’m away DH sorts out everything - no prep required from me.

Not me, never had a hen do and wouldn’t want want one.

it’s an interesting insight into how rigid people are in their friendships if things don’t go their way, I agree.

She doesn't want to go. Isn't that enough? Should she force herself to go to Paris to keep you happy? That's a tall order.

Everyone reacts to motherhood differently. It's bloody exhausting and expensive. I would have zero interest in going to Paris with a friend, but other mothers would be well up for it. I'm too tired and skint, and my youngest child would be very upset. Just wouldn't be worth it for me.

Give her a few years. But also just respect her wishes!

At 7 I’d be ok, at 3 I’d struggle. My daughter is almost 5 and I’ve not left her for more than a day so far, and not at all overnight.

You must have missed something because plenty of childfree people use mumsnet, just like some dads use it too.

There's even a board for childfree people.

I made it clear from the start that I will not be the default parent just because I have a vagina

This is not strictly anything to do with the OP - but mothers don't become the default parent just because they "have a vagina". You can deny hormones all you like, but most - not all, but most - women are hormonally hard-wired to want to be with their children. Most men are not.

@SouthLondonMum22

Why does it take so much planning? I'm away this weekend and I've not had to plan anything for my 8 year old as DH will have that covered

I don't think your friend is being unreasonable to not want to go. I am a mum of 3. Diff kids have diff needs at different stages. By going to Paris your friend has to think of the needs of her 2 kids as individuals her husband and her own. Financially its a big expense too. I don't know her circumstances. For me I would have to weigh out the cost of me going away versus the viability of all the family being able to get a break during the yr too.
Until you have kids you have bo Idea really about how much they cost! It's a lot.

That is actually what it’s like op, for some mothers, me included. I physically can’t leave them, and I really don’t want to. So it easier all round for me not to. When I’m away from them I suffer. I wouldn’t make myself suffer for a friendship, my children (as much as you may not understand it or like it) are more important to me than you are.
I do leave them for dinner etc with friends. But just because I do doesn’t mean I can expect that from a different mother. Mothers are all different and have different feelings.

Of course I can deny hormones all I like because it literally didn't happen to me. Does that mean I'm broken? Or does it just mean all women are different just like all people are different?

Societal influence plays a massive part. Women are expected to be the default parent because society is sexist and has double standards when it comes to mothers vs fathers.

Crikey. Some of the reactions on here 🙄

I have a best friend and we try to do dinner regular … alone! We’ve also done Paris for a night which she brought me as a gift for my 30th. We also did a long weekend away to Spain for her 30th.

Both have kids ranging from 4 - 11. Both have partners and family we can rely on and trust.

its healthy to maintain these friendships and spend one on one time together and have a break!! I love my kids but the odd night away they don’t care they are with others they love having fun!

I have kids and find it bizarre people don’t want to socialise away from them!!

if she ain’t interested find someone else who is and have a great time in Paris! I don’t think you should miss out on that especially as it’s your hen do. And I feel like is she doesn’t want to try and make that work then it’s her loss over all and probably will regret it x

I go away without my son, he's 2. I have been to a few weddings and hen parties. So he's either been with my husband or grandparents.
My friendships are important to me and I hugely value the time I get to spend with them. It doesn't mean I love my son any less but as a sahm I need my space on occasion! It's not like I get lots of opportunities.

Money is an issue but giving a years notice does mean chance to save and if I was the only friend invited to the wedding, you have to be pretty bloody close!

I hope you get to go to Paris and have a fantastic time 🥳

My children are 11, 6 and 1, and I wouldn’t leave them either

Fair enough. Wouldn’t t have been keen on leaving mine in those circumstances, either.

I left on a ski trip before mine turned 1. Great bonding experience for him and his dad. He's 6 now and Ive always gone away a few times a year to the lakes to hike and swim. I couldn't imagine not getting away and feeling free for a while. I come back more energised. Id feel smothered if I couldn't leave him with his dad

Just putting it out there, but I've always hated leaving my kids! I'm not a helicopter parent either, they are totally normal and independent, it's just not something I've ever been comfortable with. They are 15 and 12 now and I still don't think I would go abroad and leave them, it's one of those "what if" scenarios in my mind. I would go overnight in the UK, but I didn't even like doing that when they were younger. We went away for two nights in Windsor for our 5th wedding anniversary, the kids stayed with my mum who was perfectly capable, but we both felt horrid the whole time 🙈 it really is a matter of personal preference, and there is no right or wrong...

I go away every year for a week with 2 friends and leave kids at home with my husband and I love every minute of it! It makes me a better mother in the long term. They are now 12, 14 & 16 but have been doing it since the youngest was 5. I def went away for 1 or 2 nights when they were younger than that. I’m a SAHM so I see them enough not to miss them too much!!

Try to be patient with her, OP. Weekends abroad are tricky for a lot of reasons with kids in this age group - 'a year out' doesn't necessarily give more comfort either because there could be something unexpected going on either with the kids or with jobs etc which mean that finding someone to look after two kids is really hard. I can totally see why she said she'd see nearer the time.

I wouldn’t have left mine at 3. I would have spent the whole time worrying and pining. Also maybe her DH isn’t that great with them and she worried that he won’t cope well? Who knows why but no is no and everybody has a different ‘normal’.

My kids are teenagers and honestly I wouldn't leave them to go to Paris for the weekend mainly because I can't be bothered with the hassle and I'd rather spend them money and free time on something else

Also, have I missed something or is this site not 'mums' net anymore?

And there we go at nearly 1000 posts my bingo card is complete. Surprised it took this long for this little snippet to be brought up. Not come up in a thread for oh about 2 days 🙄

I'd leave my daughter 1 night but not two. I definitely wouldn't go to another country. Me and my partner had booked two nights away last month for his birthday but I came home after the 2nd night. It's silly really, as my 2 year old was with her grandparents and was having a great time and we were only staying a 40 minutes drive away.

Of course I can deny hormones all I like because it literally didn't happen to me. Does that mean I'm broken? Or does it just mean all women are different just like all people are different?

Societal influence plays a massive part. Women are expected to be the default parent because society is sexist and has double standards when it comes to mothers vs fathers

I don’t agree. A mothers bond is different. When a man is unhappy in a marriage he will often leave the family home and his children. The majority of women would stay in a miserable marriage if the alternative was not living with their children. Of course men live their kids, but the bond, it’s just different. I know we’re not really allowed to say that men and women are different anymore but…they are.
Predicting getting attacked by the right-on brigade now so I won’t be back on this one! 🙃