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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Irritated that ExH gf wants to meet me to discuss 'parenting' before meeting kids

605 replies

EmsHugs · 01/10/2023 12:56

Ex and I have been separated for 18 months. We have 2 kids 3 & 7. Was a bit on/off for first few months of seperation. We drifted apart but have never started divorce proceedings, he will still come stay over when looking after kids if I'm on night out etc. Amicable.
He told me he was dating at the start if the year which was a but if a gut punch but I just read that to be snagging about and hooking up (fair enough, lack of sex was one of his reasons for splitting) however it turns out he has been seeing someone for 4'5 months. At the drop off this morning, he had said she would like to meet the kids but feels that given their age, she should meet me first so that I can see who it is they are spending time with. He gave me a letter from her that basically reads like a CV. It has got me properly riled up and I'm not sure why, feels a bit like she is trying too hard to be nice and certainly too soon to 'co-parent'.

Amongst other things she wants to know:
My parenting 'non-nos'
Their ideal bedtime routine
What activities I would prefer she didn't do etc
My preferred methods of discipline
She wrote she wants to ensure consistency but frankly I think this is all OTT for someone who he has only been seeing for 5 months. Plus how about asking their father who was pretty hands on.

I text him and asked him when he was planning to introduce them and he said he was going to do it within the next few weeks on a day out Pumpkin picking and then the plan was to do an over night and hopefully then they would all go to the lapland santa thing he had booked for him and the kids at the start of December. Seems like he has had this planned for a while.
A bit of social media snooping shows they have been a thing officially since April but he has been liking her pictures for over a year. He said they met online over a year ago and have been messaging for ages but they only started dating 6 months later. Is that not a bit weird?

FYI has no kids, seems never to have been married. Not sure if Ex and kids are a nice wee ready made family for her.

Would like to know:
YABU - she is respecting you as a mother and doing best by the kids, meet her and be the bigger person and maintain the somewhat good relationship you have with the Ex

YANBU -I'd be pissed off and tell her and Ex it is a bit soon.she is over stepping

OP posts:
smallshinybutton · 01/10/2023 13:00

Shes trying her best. It's hard being a "stepmum" - though she's far off that. I'd just respond that you have no parenting expectations of her and expect their dad to be filling his parenting role and not dumping the kids on her.

Arthurnewyorkcity · 01/10/2023 13:02

Stepmums are damned if they do and damned if they don't. Yes she isn't a step parent and they may last 5 minutes but she's clearly showing respect to you and wants things to stay amicable. If for example she toom your child to a girly pamper day, would that lead to you kicking off? That's the sort of thing she's asking. Should they use time out step? Maybe you're against that etc.
She IS trying too hard but it's coming from a good place imo.

AliceOlive · 01/10/2023 13:03

YABU though I understand it’s difficult to be comfortable with a new woman getting involved with your family.

There are so many ways that a situation like this can be horrible but she sounds like a person willing to work to make it good.

Haggisfish3 · 01/10/2023 13:03

I think yabu.

icallitasplodge · 01/10/2023 13:04

I think she’s trying hard to please you and you’re being mean.

Gymmum82 · 01/10/2023 13:04

Sounds like she’s doing her best to be a decent person and not upset you or the kids and trying to start off with an amicable relationship with you.
they’ve clearly been a thing for a long time whether serious or not. Sounds like you are jealous and maybe we’re hoping for a reconciliation with your ex?
Don’t ruin your good co parenting relationship by being a dick towards the new woman

Bobbybobbins · 01/10/2023 13:05

YAB a bit U

I think her wanting to ensure consistency and showing she's serious is a good thing for the kids. They've not been together long so maybe it's a bit early. But much better this way than someone who doesn't give a shit.
Totally understand why you are annoyed though!!

GRex · 01/10/2023 13:05

There is no way she could have got this one right for you OP. She sounds like she's trying to be fair and reasonable, try to see it in that light until proven otherwise.

Champagneponies · 01/10/2023 13:06

In your shoes I would definitely try and look at this positively. If she is entering your children's lives she seems like she's trying to do so on the right foot - however ott it may come across. And she's being very respectful of you as the mother.

Honestly be grateful OP, could be a lot worse. Could be a woman who doesn't give a damn about you as the mother and has zero respect for how you parent.

Worddance · 01/10/2023 13:06

I think your disappointment at your ex dating is making you bitter. Yes, she's trying too hard but she's also trying. Don't be a cow. Just give the information she wants and be thankful she seems respectful and kind. As for having a ready made family, I expect she's making the best of it with good grace. Try it.

Luckydog7 · 01/10/2023 13:06

Its kind of bizarre that she is asking most of these question almost like she will be coparenting with you rather then your ex. I'm sure she means we'll but you should make it clear that the kids are supposed to be spending time with their father and you feel its really out of order for him to put all this responsibility on her if that's what is happening.

Why does she need to know bed time routines? Shouldn't dad be doing it. Etc etc.

Redwinestillfine · 01/10/2023 13:06

I would meet her and answer her questions but make it clear that the co parenting relationship is between you and exH and not her. One of your no no's can be her having the kids on her own and covering for ex h. If he can't be bothered to have them they come back to you....

Laiste · 01/10/2023 13:06

YABU - although it's understandable that you feel prickly towards her.

Was the split mutual? Honestly it does sound as if you are still attached to him.

In your situation I'd LOVE the chance to talk to someone who was preparing to spend time around my kids. She sounds serious about getting it right.

Chickpea17 · 01/10/2023 13:06

Gymmum82 · 01/10/2023 13:04

Sounds like she’s doing her best to be a decent person and not upset you or the kids and trying to start off with an amicable relationship with you.
they’ve clearly been a thing for a long time whether serious or not. Sounds like you are jealous and maybe we’re hoping for a reconciliation with your ex?
Don’t ruin your good co parenting relationship by being a dick towards the new woman

This with bells on

Fabshab · 01/10/2023 13:07

Yabu big time

this is coming from sheer jealousy, and deep down you know it

Ebony69 · 01/10/2023 13:07

I agree. She has the best of intentions. I can however understand why OP feels uneasy because this is new territory for her. Their separation has now reached a different stage , incorporating a new partner. I also feel that if may be a tad too early to be having this conversation

arethereanyleftatall · 01/10/2023 13:08

Oh I think she's trying to be nice here. It's lovely that she's asked this.

yogasaurus · 01/10/2023 13:08

Yabu, she sounds like she has good intentions and is trying really hard. It’s hard for SM’s to get anything right.

It sounds like you don’t want to acknowledge he’s in a serious relationship. Perhaps understandable, but that’s not her fault.

Soubriquet · 01/10/2023 13:09

I actually think she’s being really nice. She’s trying to show you that as a “stepmum” she’s going to respect your way of parenting and not taking over and doing it her way

Cosyblankets · 01/10/2023 13:09

Give her a chance.
You sound jealous

anybloodyname · 01/10/2023 13:09

I'd meet her and almost laugh it off

" Nice of you to be so interested but dad does everything for the kids so you don't need to worry "

" Glad to meet you as you be spending time with my children but it's early days so I don't expect you to be involved to that extent "

At least you'll get to know her a bit ?

ChaToilLeam · 01/10/2023 13:09

She sounds like she is just trying to be helpful and conciliatory. Better than the other way!

Malarandras · 01/10/2023 13:09

This all seems a bit much after only 5 or 6 months of dating. Are you sure it has only been that long a relationship?

bombastix · 01/10/2023 13:11

She is a right mixer. And is your ex.

An email deals with all of this. And only write what you want.

Don't jump to meet these requests. There's nothing in it for you to meet. It's for their egos.

yellowclover · 01/10/2023 13:11

I think that she's trying to be nice a keep things harmonious. That says a lot if you ask me.