Irritated that ExH gf wants to meet me to discuss 'parenting' before meeting kids

[EmsHugs]

Ex and I have been separated for 18 months. We have 2 kids 3 & 7. Was a bit on/off for first few months of seperation. We drifted apart but have never started divorce proceedings, he will still come stay over when looking after kids if I'm on night out etc. Amicable.
He told me he was dating at the start if the year which was a but if a gut punch but I just read that to be snagging about and hooking up (fair enough, lack of sex was one of his reasons for splitting) however it turns out he has been seeing someone for 4'5 months. At the drop off this morning, he had said she would like to meet the kids but feels that given their age, she should meet me first so that I can see who it is they are spending time with. He gave me a letter from her that basically reads like a CV. It has got me properly riled up and I'm not sure why, feels a bit like she is trying too hard to be nice and certainly too soon to 'co-parent'.

Amongst other things she wants to know:
My parenting 'non-nos'
Their ideal bedtime routine
What activities I would prefer she didn't do etc
My preferred methods of discipline
She wrote she wants to ensure consistency but frankly I think this is all OTT for someone who he has only been seeing for 5 months. Plus how about asking their father who was pretty hands on.

I text him and asked him when he was planning to introduce them and he said he was going to do it within the next few weeks on a day out Pumpkin picking and then the plan was to do an over night and hopefully then they would all go to the lapland santa thing he had booked for him and the kids at the start of December. Seems like he has had this planned for a while.
A bit of social media snooping shows they have been a thing officially since April but he has been liking her pictures for over a year. He said they met online over a year ago and have been messaging for ages but they only started dating 6 months later. Is that not a bit weird?

FYI has no kids, seems never to have been married. Not sure if Ex and kids are a nice wee ready made family for her.

Would like to know:
YABU - she is respecting you as a mother and doing best by the kids, meet her and be the bigger person and maintain the somewhat good relationship you have with the Ex

YANBU -I'd be pissed off and tell her and Ex it is a bit soon.she is over stepping

Yes it’s a bit odd as she’s no way a ‘stepmum’ since they have been dating a short time and aren’t married/ living together. But you being prickly isn’t going to achieve anything. Why not just meet her briefly and spell out what you’re happy with. After dating a few months I’d expect the children to see their dad alone most of the time and just see her sometimes and for dad to be doing all the parenting. I wouldn’t expect the kids to be alone with her for any length of time

YABU it sounds like she is trying to maintain consistency and not overstep.

She is trying to respect you and build a good relationship with you.

People mentioning time, think that’s not that relevant. I met my DH’s kids at 4 months as he knew I was the one. I was v concerned with doing things right - even at that early stage.

My DSC mum was thrilled I have a good relationship with the kids.

So I think you sound a bit jealous which is completely fine to feel. But please work with her here. Sounds like she is only trying to do best by you, the kids, and your ex husband.

Even if it doesn’t work out at least she’s considering the kids so it won’t be a negative experience in their lives.

All the best. 💐

If you don’t know how to have appropriate boundaries with other people’s children you have the option to not involve yourself with them. Unless OP gave birth to the girlfriend too, there is no non-sexist reason whatsoever that she should have to give guidance on what she considers appropriate, or that the girlfriend should follow said guidance over that of her actual partner, the person allowing and driving her involvement with the children for whom he’s responsible.

Even if she's only around for a couple of months, wouldn't you rather your DC had some consistency?And if she's around long term, she sounds like someone who recognises the importance of actual parenting, rather than playing Disney stepmum until the novelty wears off. I'd just give her straight answers to her questions.

She sounds like the sort of person who takes things way too seriously - but probably means no harm.

she sounds a bit sexist - these are all questions which could easily be answered by their dad

my reaction would be to roll my eyes a bit but play along.

she is probably a bit irritating on every part of her life!

@MiddleParking you keep banging on about sexism and it’s really quite odd.

The Op has said herself there are things she doesn’t want this woman to do. So she has a list, and is pissed off she has been asked to share said list.

It’s a weird email to send. She is trying way too hard, and comes across as cringy. Surely the children’s father knows their bedtime routine etc? Agree with the person upthread who says it sounds like she is trying to coparent directly with you, and cut your DH out of the loop.

Is your DH a bit of a man-baby? Either the poor man feels he can’t be expected to parent his own children, so he’s found somebody else with a uterus to do it for him. Or the new GF thinks that. Neither are great, honestly.

I’d say I appreciated the sentiment, but I trusted your ex-h to parent them and she should just follow his lead. No need for you to have a formal meeting about it.

Well I know what I’d say but to answer your questions.
1 ask their dad
2 ask their dad
3 I would prefer you not to do any activities
4 you definitely absolutely do not discipline my children.
If she doesn’t like it she can fuck right off.

If OP doesn’t want to enter into a dialogue then OP can’t expect to call the shots. You can’t have it both ways.

OP might not be responsible for what happens in Dads time but she’s expressed an opinion and preferences here. If everyone is to run along together an open conversation will help.

No, it isn’t odd you’re not comprehending or agreeing with a concept doesn’t make it odd for someone else to raise it. There is no other reason that a woman would make her boyfriend’s ex, who she doesn’t know, responsible for providing a list of appropriate boundaries with their children. Or that said boyfriend would go along with it.

3 I would prefer you not to do any activities
4 you definitely absolutely do not discipline my children.

Wtf? Should she sit in a corner in silence then?

I discipline any children in my care when necessary and expect others to do the same when they’re in their care. I’d leave it to the parent but sometimes intervention is necessary especially with a 3 year old.

I think considering your ex dropped this on you so suddenly and has been leading you on, you are 100% right to take as much time as needed to give him a response. But think about your kids when you’re ready to do this. I agree that she should not be doing any personal care or bedsharing or coming to school / nursery events, but as she’s a teacher you could use it to your kids advantage by encouraging her to help with homework.

In the meantime you need to focus on yourself too. Get your mojo back. Start dating, use 50/50 to get time for you to focus on you and meet someone else.

But OP has a list on this thread?

@MiddleParking you don’t seem to understand it’s typically mothers who get shitty about this

hence wanting to ask

Ive never seen one man posting online moaning about boundaries being eroded with a child’s step dad. Mums tend to be the worst offenders so she is being nice.

I think she’s being unreasonable to herself. For taking it upon herself to establish what will ensure consistency for your children.

The father should bloody know the answer to all those questions. Big early red flag for her if he doesn’t.

She sounds like she's trying to do her best, honestly you can't win it seems! What she's asked you seems really thoughtful to me.

He's obviously thought through introducing her too, not rushed it and wants to ensure that the children's needs are central whilst moving forward.

Far better this than no rules household's and step mums who don't care that they are letting the kids do all kinds of things not allowed at home

She's trying to have a good relationship and not do anything to cause friction, which seems decent of her.
However things like disciplining the kids, helping them change after swimming, etc. will eventually happen if they stay together and she becomes the kids' stepmum.

I think it's actually a good approach. I have a friend who has been dating a guy for around 5 months, both with young kids. She is already posting photos of them all together, talking about her "family", including his child, as if they've always been hers. Mum still very much in the picture, which to me is very wrong, after such a short period and not even yet considering living together. The approach in the OP seems much better.

YANBU at all OP. Some completely deranged responses on this thread, particularly aggressive ones from @Fabshab

This woman isn’t their stepmum, she’s the ex’s girlfriend. I would completely ignore the letter and tell the ex to answer her questions. It’s a massive overstep and weird of your ex to pass on the letter in the first place. Completely inappropriate. Also very clear that the girlfriend doesn’t have kids.

Sounds really tough OP and wish you the best.

I wonder if the OP would be held to the 18 month rule too if/when she meets someone else? It's generally mothers who are very jealous of their ex partner's new love interests.

Not sharing a bed with your DC is exactly the type of no-nos she is asking about. Same as no changing in front if them.
The not wiping bums/giving baths I would advise you to rethink, as you said, you would be fine with a nanny doing it, and it is not really a choice, what if your DC needs help in the toilet and his dad isn’t around.

And?? Most of us could come up with a list of things that we don’t want unrelated adults to do with our children. We don’t have to provide said list. Unless OP gave birth to this woman, which I’m assuming isn’t the case, why is she being asked to teach her appropriate behaviour and boundaries? Because the girlfriend wants a cheat sheet to ‘being liked by your boyfriend’s ex wife’ to impress a man.

YABU, think of the alternate, that she didn't give a shit and was horrible to your kids!

@MiddleParking

Do you not understand that people have different boundaries?

The dad might be fine with them changing with her, the OP isn’t so she is asking the OP.

Not sure why this is so hard to understand

No, she doesn’t have to provide it but then can’t complain if she doesn’t like the outcome.