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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Irritated that ExH gf wants to meet me to discuss 'parenting' before meeting kids

605 replies

EmsHugs · 01/10/2023 12:56

Ex and I have been separated for 18 months. We have 2 kids 3 & 7. Was a bit on/off for first few months of seperation. We drifted apart but have never started divorce proceedings, he will still come stay over when looking after kids if I'm on night out etc. Amicable.
He told me he was dating at the start if the year which was a but if a gut punch but I just read that to be snagging about and hooking up (fair enough, lack of sex was one of his reasons for splitting) however it turns out he has been seeing someone for 4'5 months. At the drop off this morning, he had said she would like to meet the kids but feels that given their age, she should meet me first so that I can see who it is they are spending time with. He gave me a letter from her that basically reads like a CV. It has got me properly riled up and I'm not sure why, feels a bit like she is trying too hard to be nice and certainly too soon to 'co-parent'.

Amongst other things she wants to know:
My parenting 'non-nos'
Their ideal bedtime routine
What activities I would prefer she didn't do etc
My preferred methods of discipline
She wrote she wants to ensure consistency but frankly I think this is all OTT for someone who he has only been seeing for 5 months. Plus how about asking their father who was pretty hands on.

I text him and asked him when he was planning to introduce them and he said he was going to do it within the next few weeks on a day out Pumpkin picking and then the plan was to do an over night and hopefully then they would all go to the lapland santa thing he had booked for him and the kids at the start of December. Seems like he has had this planned for a while.
A bit of social media snooping shows they have been a thing officially since April but he has been liking her pictures for over a year. He said they met online over a year ago and have been messaging for ages but they only started dating 6 months later. Is that not a bit weird?

FYI has no kids, seems never to have been married. Not sure if Ex and kids are a nice wee ready made family for her.

Would like to know:
YABU - she is respecting you as a mother and doing best by the kids, meet her and be the bigger person and maintain the somewhat good relationship you have with the Ex

YANBU -I'd be pissed off and tell her and Ex it is a bit soon.she is over stepping

OP posts:
Summerishere123 · 01/10/2023 13:27

This is his first partner since you and is likely to create some mixed feelings for you. I think your feelings about him dating and her approach to your children should be separated though. She is trying not to step on your toes.
As hard as it is for you, YABU not her.

Robinbuildsbears · 01/10/2023 13:28

YABU

anniegun · 01/10/2023 13:28

Yabu - give her a chance. Issues with your ex are between the two of you

WestwardHo1 · 01/10/2023 13:28

I think she sounds very nice and is trying to do the right thing.

With respect OP - and I mean this nicely - I think you would find any approach irritating simply because of the situation. I have very uncharitable thoughts about my exH's GF, even though she seems like a perfectly decent person and he and I don't even share kids.

AInightingale · 01/10/2023 13:28

You are luckier than some. She could be some selfish clingy article who wants their father all to herself, couldn't care less about the fact he has kids, and encourages him to spend his spare time and every weekend alone with her. Women like that are more common than this type, I think. Scary how quickly innocent children come to be considered 'baggage' or an afterthought.

theduchessofspork · 01/10/2023 13:29

theduchessofspork · 01/10/2023 13:23

It’s OTT, but I would always assume people are doing their best unless proven otherwise - she does appear to be trying

I would just gently respond - a nice email - that you’re looking forward to meeting her and you appreciate her thoughtfulness, but as your ex is co-parent he can and should answer these questions for the moment

As you get to know each other and particular situations crop up you’ll be happy to chat more.

You want to avoid a situation where she becomes deputy mum working to you rather than him. But I do think she means well.

… in terms of your rules

You can tell your ex you don’t want them sleeping in the bed with her - that’s absolutely fair enough

If the not changing with them at swimming or helping the younger one in the loo isn’t a trust issue - and it sounds like it isn’t - then don’t say this. It’s just knobbish.

I get that this feels hard for you, you can acknowledge that it feels hard without acting on your distress by making life difficult for everyone.

jazzyfips · 01/10/2023 13:29

Yabu. She’s trying to do the best she can.

Cancelledcurio · 01/10/2023 13:29

OP no I wouldn't allow a woman that has been in my children's lives for 5 months to bathe or wipe their bottoms , that's private . A nanny or nursery workery is different. To all the people saying OP is jealous ,no she is looking out for her children and this girl friend (not step mum)is way OTT. This is pure claiming ownership and sealing territory patter with OP . Yes GF might like the kids but she sounds immature.

Bookish88 · 01/10/2023 13:30

YABU.

But your list of no-nos sounds fine, so just be the bigger person and agree to meet her, or at least write her a letter back explaining what they are and leave her be 🤷‍♀️

jazzyfips · 01/10/2023 13:31

Cancelledcurio · 01/10/2023 13:29

OP no I wouldn't allow a woman that has been in my children's lives for 5 months to bathe or wipe their bottoms , that's private . A nanny or nursery workery is different. To all the people saying OP is jealous ,no she is looking out for her children and this girl friend (not step mum)is way OTT. This is pure claiming ownership and sealing territory patter with OP . Yes GF might like the kids but she sounds immature.

Eh? She’s literally asked what she wouldn’t want her to do.

yogasaurus · 01/10/2023 13:32

This is pure claiming ownership and sealing territory patter with OP

Christ. As if SM’s actually want ownership and territory. That’s just from the jealous ex playbook.

She’s just being nice.

WhateverMate · 01/10/2023 13:32

It makes a bit more sense now you said she works with children.

She will have seen firsthand how break ups can affect them.

D3LAN3Y · 01/10/2023 13:32

YABU,
I think it's actually quite nice that she's trying.
This will give you the opportunity to see who is going to be around your kids. Looks like she's going to be around and he's moving forward. Why not see how it goes? She's probably going to be doing the donkey work when it comes to parenting on his side (since she's the one asking about parenting style etc)
This might actually benefit you massively.

BoohooWoohoo · 01/10/2023 13:33

She is trying too hard and being OTT asking you about parenting at 6 months in but I'm inclined to think that this is coming from a good place. Personally I would tell her to ask her bf because he's an involved parent who knows the answers.

It sounds like you were overwhelmed with info in one conversation. As things aren't acrimonious he could have mentioned the gf then a chat about meeting her months later wouldn't have thrown you so much.

SemperIdem · 01/10/2023 13:33

Has your ex painted you as being difficult to her?

I wasn’t concerned about stepping on my step children’s mothers toes when I first met them, because their father parents them.

ScreamingBeans · 01/10/2023 13:33

YABVU

She's obviously trying very hard to make sure that there's no conflict about the children.

Not sure why you're so annoyed about that.

Lifecanbebeautiful12 · 01/10/2023 13:34

I disagree with PPs, I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. It’s weird. She’s been dating your ex for just 5 months, that’s really no time at all. Now she’s asking his ex for almost a manual on how to care for her/his kids? Yes it is nice that she wants to care for them and give them little disruption but I do think it’s odd to be pretty much playing mother after 5 months of dating a man. If the OP said she’d been dating a man for 5 months who now wanted to take part in putting her kids to bed, discipline them etc etc you'd all tell her to run a mile! This is also a very new relationship very soon after the marriage split. Your ex is moving too fast introducing this woman as a stepmother so early and her behaviour is odd. As you said in the OP, if she wanted to know these things she could have just asked your ex.

Doyoumind · 01/10/2023 13:34

I'm going against the grain and saying YANBU.

She might be trying to be nice, but if she really had good intentions, her letter would have said she's really excited to meet the kids and be a part of their lives while leaving the parenting to their mum and dad. At 5 months in, she has no business being involved with their bedtime routines etc. It's their dad's job. If she can't see that, I would be concerned about her overstepping.

I think PP was right saying it's kind of an exciting little play family for her.

BarelyCoping123 · 01/10/2023 13:35

Geez sounds to me like she's doing everything right! She sounds very nice.

MehtotheChristmasrunup · 01/10/2023 13:36

Fabshab · 01/10/2023 13:07

Yabu big time

this is coming from sheer jealousy, and deep down you know it

Agreed but I think the new GF is “staking her claim” rather than doing it to be helpful. I think it’s too early for the Op to be delighted by the lovely new arrangement her kids will be having. As Op says why doesn’t she ask their dad.

Ashbb · 01/10/2023 13:36

YABU, she is trying her best to show you respect, not annoy you, and take into account your parenting rules.

5128gap · 01/10/2023 13:36

It is irritating OP because its self important and overstepping.
She is part of your DCs lives via their father, and its perfectly sufficient for her to take his lead and guidance on how the DC are treated on his watch. Yet instead she is presenting herself to you as a very important person-to-be in their lives and trying to get you to acknowledge her as such.
This may not have been her intention, but she is lacking in sensitivity not to have thought how it might be recieved.
I do agree with others though, your reaction is coloured by your feelings about the separation. If you were long over it you'd probably have just rolled your eyes a little.
As for meeting her? If you don't want to there's no need. Just reply politely that you trust ex partner to parent the children appropriately and you're sure he will let her know how he wants the DC treated.

PortalooSunset · 01/10/2023 13:37

EmsHugs · 01/10/2023 13:17

Thanks for the feedback. Appreciate it comes across as bitchy or bitter but there has been no mention of this woman up u till today and suddenly she is meeting the kids. I guess the thing is that I was thinking of all the things that would be no no and any requests just seem so petty, so I feel like I have to be all in or nothing.
The issue is that I wouldn't really like the following:
Youngest sometimes sleeps in bed at night, if they did that when she was there I would want her to not be in the bed with ExH and kid
If they go swimming I don't want her changing with them
Youngest sometimes asks to wipe bum after being at toilet, again wouldn't want her doing that or bathing them.
However we have a nanny and she does all those things for the kids so seems ridiculous me saying this woman who is with their father cannot do them. Should add that this person works with children as their job, so has a trust role working with kids etc.

I think she's being thoughtful. You clearly have non-negotiables and it's important you share that. No point getting cross with her unless she ignores those. She may be 'only a gf of a few months' right now but sounds like she/they want to be in for the long haul.

Iamuhtredsonofuhtred · 01/10/2023 13:38

I’d be irritated too. It’s batting the mental load of childcare when they’re with their dad back to you, and majorly overstepping. Can you imagine your new boyfriend sending a letter like that to your ex?

I’d send a short polite text reply ‘dear Susie, thanks for your letter, any parenting questions can be answered by Kevin. I’m sure the kids will enjoy getting to know you, kind regards’. She isn’t your co-parent, if he involves her on his time, that’s on him.

smallshinybutton · 01/10/2023 13:40

Cancelledcurio · 01/10/2023 13:29

OP no I wouldn't allow a woman that has been in my children's lives for 5 months to bathe or wipe their bottoms , that's private . A nanny or nursery workery is different. To all the people saying OP is jealous ,no she is looking out for her children and this girl friend (not step mum)is way OTT. This is pure claiming ownership and sealing territory patter with OP . Yes GF might like the kids but she sounds immature.

Why on earth would she need to wipe their bums? Why are you assuming she'd want to.

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