Irritated that ExH gf wants to meet me to discuss 'parenting' before meeting kids

[EmsHugs]

Ex and I have been separated for 18 months. We have 2 kids 3 & 7. Was a bit on/off for first few months of seperation. We drifted apart but have never started divorce proceedings, he will still come stay over when looking after kids if I'm on night out etc. Amicable.
He told me he was dating at the start if the year which was a but if a gut punch but I just read that to be snagging about and hooking up (fair enough, lack of sex was one of his reasons for splitting) however it turns out he has been seeing someone for 4'5 months. At the drop off this morning, he had said she would like to meet the kids but feels that given their age, she should meet me first so that I can see who it is they are spending time with. He gave me a letter from her that basically reads like a CV. It has got me properly riled up and I'm not sure why, feels a bit like she is trying too hard to be nice and certainly too soon to 'co-parent'.

Amongst other things she wants to know:
My parenting 'non-nos'
Their ideal bedtime routine
What activities I would prefer she didn't do etc
My preferred methods of discipline
She wrote she wants to ensure consistency but frankly I think this is all OTT for someone who he has only been seeing for 5 months. Plus how about asking their father who was pretty hands on.

I text him and asked him when he was planning to introduce them and he said he was going to do it within the next few weeks on a day out Pumpkin picking and then the plan was to do an over night and hopefully then they would all go to the lapland santa thing he had booked for him and the kids at the start of December. Seems like he has had this planned for a while.
A bit of social media snooping shows they have been a thing officially since April but he has been liking her pictures for over a year. He said they met online over a year ago and have been messaging for ages but they only started dating 6 months later. Is that not a bit weird?

FYI has no kids, seems never to have been married. Not sure if Ex and kids are a nice wee ready made family for her.

Would like to know:
YABU - she is respecting you as a mother and doing best by the kids, meet her and be the bigger person and maintain the somewhat good relationship you have with the Ex

YANBU -I'd be pissed off and tell her and Ex it is a bit soon.she is over stepping

YABU she is trying to get on with you and make it work. May be a bit OTT but better than the alternative if not co-operating and being difficult.

I came into my SC’s lives when they were 3 and 6, so I’ve been in her shoes. And I think the fact that she wants to meet you and her ‘CV’ letter is weird AF. There is literally no need for you to meet.

Also, don’t worry about your daughter loving her more than you, a strong mother-child bond isn’t just replaced like that. SC used to think I was the dogs bollocks at the beginning, couldn’t get enough of me, but it was mostly a novelty thing. Their loyalties will always lie with their mum, even if she’s not the one raising them.

I don’t know, I guess I can see your position because it’s so forward of her to send this letter. But the alternative is that she doesn’t really care about you at all. Or worse.

I would tell her you’ve decided not to have men in bed while your kids are with you. That you understand it’s not your decision to make for them, but that you’d be uncomfortable with your kids sleeping in bed with someone who is not their parent.

I don’t think you can ask her not to help your child in the bathroom. It’s not fair on the children.

This is all just the sad part of life when you get divorced. I’ve lived it as a child and as the GF also.

OP, you do not have to communicate your wishes about your children to this woman simply because she is asking you to.
In fact, given the short time she has been with their father, I'm not sure it's a good idea for you to be going along with the idea that she should be centred in their care and discipline. If their father choses to place her in that role there isn't much you can do, but if you're not comfortable you don't need to get behind it.
You and their father are the co parents and its reasonable and appropriate that all these discussions stay between the two of you. If he wants to then share them with a third party, that's his perogative, but don't start down the path of seeing her as equally responsible, or someone who will pick up the slack in his parenting (being firmer where he is soft etc) as that's not appropriate to anyone.

@yogasaurus she's not their step mum. She's dad's new girlfriend of 5 months ffs. Have some standards. She shouldn't even be meeting the children. I know that is down to the ex and isn't OP's fault but why are people in such a rush to make their kids meet anyone they go out with? Why not wait say a year or even eighteen months? Your children are the most precious wee people in the world.

@Odellio not always the case

DH calls his step mother mum and much prefers her to his ‘actual’ mother even though she raised him.

Honestly, I think that's amazing. She isn't overstepping, she is respecting you as mum. Well done her!

If anything you should be pleased she is doing this. She comes across caring and with the intent of making this comfortable for you. I'm sure this is hard seeing him in a relationship.

I think she is trying to be supportive and respectful of you. They may have only been together for 5-6 months but some relationship can get pretty intense in that time. I don't think she's done anything wrong.

I can understand why you are upset though, I would be upset too because this is painful and it's still fresh so it's a bit of gut punch.

Christ
I wish my step mum are cared just an ounce of the amount this woman does.
she’s not stepping on your toes in the slightest,she’s asking you how you want things done ,she’s showing you respect for being their mother .
what the hell are u complaining at

I think it's fair enough if you don't feel ready to meet her yet. Just say that without being unpleasant about it.

And then thank her for her concern and give a short, matter of fact list of things that are really important like allergies. Of course, your ex should know all of those things. I would struggle not to make a snarky comment to that effect, but it sounds like she's trying.

They're living out a narrative of being very grown-up and reasonable about all this. Of course that's easier when he's the one who's moved on and she's the new woman. And it may well be genuine and she's really trying, or it may be she's proving to new BF what a delightful mum substitute she is, or maybe a mixture of both.

It sounds really hard but just try to rise above it, be polite if distant and do your best. She may not be around long, but she may.

YABU. They've known each other a year, took it slow and went official after 6 months, together 5 months since then. She is trying to be respectful to you and your wishes regarding parenting to assure consistency. I don't get what your issue is.

We waited 18 months and so I really agree. But we can’t control anyone else and most people aren’t willing to put the kids first.

I'm really surprised at the responses. She's being way over the top. At this point in their relationship she should be doing zero parenting. She hasn't met the children, has hardly been dating their father any time at all. He should be the one parenting them and guiding her when they're together.

I'm wondering if they have poor boundaries in general. Meeting the kids this early on, and sleeping overnight on first meeting? Wanting to have parenting discussions with the ex? It gives the impression she and him really want to rush into playing family.

@TenderChicken they’ve been ‘together’ for a year, official for 6 months

she is being over the top but that doesn’t make someone unreasonable.

The op being a dick about it is

I would find this utterly fucking ridiculous and annoying. Trying to make you complicit in her efforts to impress her new man, in the most sexist way possible. I wouldn’t snap her head off but I wouldn’t be too friendly in my response either. Actually, I’m not sure I’d respond to her - I might speak to him about it and be very clear that he is and will remain the only parent of your children in their relationship, for everyone’s sake.

It does… but OP isn’t going to get anywhere with telling them that.

My now step-son’s mother wanted us all to sit down and talk and I declined because it felt inappropriate. She moved her BF in quickly and played happy family. Awful shit ensued.

I regret pushing back on it.

Feel very damned if I do and if I don't.
Text ExH and told him it felt very thrown on me which he apologised for. As he said in his head he has known her over a year. He wrote that 'she has become very important to me and I'm keen that a person I care for very dearly and who I do see being in a long term relationship with, does meet my children. He also add that a picture of him and her was on his phone and our DD saw it and he felt it was time.
Also seems that necessity has also spurned it on.
My ex MIL takes me daughter to gymnastics but will have to stop after Xmas as she is doing a night class. Gf works at the school gymnastics is held at and offered to pick up my DD as she already picks up her friend's daughter to help her out but said that can only be if i am happy for that to happen. Weird that DD and Gf have likely already crossed paths but Gf has not been able to say anything or acknowledge daughter.
I feel at this rate she is going to make me fill in a permission form everytime she goes near DC

Quite. So the OP absolutely does have some opinions but is annoyed she’s been given an opportunity to voice them!

This woman can’t win!

Maybe she thinks her partner, OP’s exH isn’t consistent with his parenting and is using this as an opportunity to find out and start her relationship with the kids on the right foot.

I would thank her for wanting to ensure your and ex-dhs children are cared for consistently but you feel to ensure that consistency and encourage amicable mutual agreements between the decision makers/co-parents that if she has any questions she should take the lead from their dad and if he has anything he feels warrants a parental discussion he can discuss 1-2-1 with you.

Tell her you think this is the best approach, at least in the short-term, and will ensure communication is always clear between the children's parents.

I think she sounds great and I'd be pleased that she respected me as their mum and wanted to know my boundaries and rules.

YABU

If she thinks he isn’t consistent with his parenting then she should respond to that accordingly in her own decision making and behaviour. He should be able to implement appropriate boundaries for everyone in the unit that includes him, his children, and his girlfriend. OP shouldn’t have to take responsibility in advance for any poor decision making on the part of two other adults, one of whom is as responsible for the kids as she, OP, is, and one of whom has no responsibility for them.

I think you need to separate what you don’t want her to do because of your own feelings, and what you don’t want her to do at this point because it is in your children’s best interests.

It is reasonable, at this point, to say you don’t want her to be involved in things like personal care (dressing/ undressing, using the toilet etc) and things like bedsharing, these are safeguards for your children and reasonable things not to want somebody who may not be a permanent fixture to be involved in.

It is not reasonable to say don’t be too nice to your DD in case she becomes a ‘favourite’ as it sounds like that is more about your own feelings of jealousy and not because it won’t be in your DD’s interests. Obviously she shouldn’t be spoiling the DC with expensive gifts but you can’t micromanage the relationship she develops with your DC, if it’s in your DD’s nature to be ‘best friends’ with new adults then I think that’s just something you have to ride out. Obviously as an adult you must be aware she won’t actually see this woman as a best friend and that you will still always be her mum. I also don’t see why you wouldn’t want her to do things like help with homework, if she’s a teacher and has knowledge around subjects that can help your DC then surely something like that would only be helpful to them. Obviously you don’t want her doing things like that from day one, I think it’s reasonable to say you want them to take things slow and for her not to be around overnight or in early mornings, evenings etc when it’s family time at the moment whilst the relationship is still new and without commitment, but if the relationship between ex and the new gf was to become serious and committed then these are reasonable things for a step-parent to do and saying no to these things sounds like it’s about your feelings of jealousy and not about what is best for the children.

YABU

she’s being incredibly respectful and making it clear she knows her role in your kids lives and wants your guidance to ensure she doesn’t step over any toes or boundaries.