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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Irritated that ExH gf wants to meet me to discuss 'parenting' before meeting kids

605 replies

EmsHugs · 01/10/2023 12:56

Ex and I have been separated for 18 months. We have 2 kids 3 & 7. Was a bit on/off for first few months of seperation. We drifted apart but have never started divorce proceedings, he will still come stay over when looking after kids if I'm on night out etc. Amicable.
He told me he was dating at the start if the year which was a but if a gut punch but I just read that to be snagging about and hooking up (fair enough, lack of sex was one of his reasons for splitting) however it turns out he has been seeing someone for 4'5 months. At the drop off this morning, he had said she would like to meet the kids but feels that given their age, she should meet me first so that I can see who it is they are spending time with. He gave me a letter from her that basically reads like a CV. It has got me properly riled up and I'm not sure why, feels a bit like she is trying too hard to be nice and certainly too soon to 'co-parent'.

Amongst other things she wants to know:
My parenting 'non-nos'
Their ideal bedtime routine
What activities I would prefer she didn't do etc
My preferred methods of discipline
She wrote she wants to ensure consistency but frankly I think this is all OTT for someone who he has only been seeing for 5 months. Plus how about asking their father who was pretty hands on.

I text him and asked him when he was planning to introduce them and he said he was going to do it within the next few weeks on a day out Pumpkin picking and then the plan was to do an over night and hopefully then they would all go to the lapland santa thing he had booked for him and the kids at the start of December. Seems like he has had this planned for a while.
A bit of social media snooping shows they have been a thing officially since April but he has been liking her pictures for over a year. He said they met online over a year ago and have been messaging for ages but they only started dating 6 months later. Is that not a bit weird?

FYI has no kids, seems never to have been married. Not sure if Ex and kids are a nice wee ready made family for her.

Would like to know:
YABU - she is respecting you as a mother and doing best by the kids, meet her and be the bigger person and maintain the somewhat good relationship you have with the Ex

YANBU -I'd be pissed off and tell her and Ex it is a bit soon.she is over stepping

OP posts:
amberisola · 01/10/2023 13:11

I don't understand the "you must be jealous" comments. It's very soon for this woman to be getting so involved in your DCs life and daily routine. Of course it's making you feel uneasy.

I would be civil to her but tell her exH can provide all those details, since she won't be having them on her own anyway.

Chocolatesandroses · 01/10/2023 13:12

Yabu

WhateverMate · 01/10/2023 13:12

On the face of it, it seems a bit OTT but she seems to have good intentions at heart.

Meet up with her and explain that your ex will/should be parenting them so she's no need to worry.

But be nice because it sounds as though she is.

Selttan · 01/10/2023 13:12

I'm normally on the side of the 'stepmoms' here (even though she is gone) but I find this a bit much.

I'd expect this sort of thing to come up after she'd been in the kids lives for awhile but she shouldn't be worrying about things like discipling the kids as that's not something she should be involved in yet.

Cancelledcurio · 01/10/2023 13:13

Oh she is in for a shock when she realises it's not all pumpkin picking and Santa dates! I wouldn't be happy with the kids meeting her so soon , OP. She doesn't seem a bad person, just naive. Your ex sounds like he wants someone to do the parenting when he has the kids so hopefully she will quickly realise this. He sounds a knob. I have one of these and he has never managed a long term relationship since me . He likes living beside his mum too much and his mum doing his washing for him.
I would definitely stress it's a bit soon for the children. My kids have met so many of my exs' gfs and now they are older ,they don't even bother with meeting them.

Bunnycat101 · 01/10/2023 13:13

I think she’s trying to be mature about the split and understand from you what you’re comfortable with and what you’re not. When you hear about how disastrous so many step parent relationships are you should count your lucky stars she’s approaching it in this way and trying to maintain the good relationship you have with your ex. And with the best way in the world, you can’t assume you’d always be on the same page with your ex even if he’s an active co-parent. There are plenty of things my husband would say ok or fail to mention. It seems really sensible to be on the same page about things like diet, screen time, car seats etc.

Fabshab · 01/10/2023 13:13

@amberisola because it’s clear as day the OP is jealous

not because she is upset with this request, but the rest of her post makes it pretty clear

foolishone · 01/10/2023 13:14

It's unusual but actually quite thoughtful.
I can see why you'd feel weird about it but actually if this relationship works out and she's spending time with your kids then her respecting you is a good thing hopefully.

Khvdrt · 01/10/2023 13:14

I wonder if whatever she did it would annoy you as you’re not happy about her generally. For me it would be a bit OTT but better than not wanting to bother with your kids

Fabshab · 01/10/2023 13:15

@bombastix

i think you’ll find there is something in it for the OP to meet with them.

Not being a massive prick is one, second is for their children.

Freezingcoldinseptember · 01/10/2023 13:16

At 5 months in does she really figure in anything regarding parenting at all?? She is just a new gf!

Original poster
EmsHugs · 01/10/2023 13:17

Thanks for the feedback. Appreciate it comes across as bitchy or bitter but there has been no mention of this woman up u till today and suddenly she is meeting the kids. I guess the thing is that I was thinking of all the things that would be no no and any requests just seem so petty, so I feel like I have to be all in or nothing.
The issue is that I wouldn't really like the following:
Youngest sometimes sleeps in bed at night, if they did that when she was there I would want her to not be in the bed with ExH and kid
If they go swimming I don't want her changing with them
Youngest sometimes asks to wipe bum after being at toilet, again wouldn't want her doing that or bathing them.
However we have a nanny and she does all those things for the kids so seems ridiculous me saying this woman who is with their father cannot do them. Should add that this person works with children as their job, so has a trust role working with kids etc.

OP posts:
bombastix · 01/10/2023 13:19

@Fabshab - at six months, no. That is pure game playing. You can write all these points in an email to address these concerns or queries.

TheChosenTwo · 01/10/2023 13:19

Although it’s sooner than I would like for a new partner to be meeting the dc it does sound like she’s trying to get off on the right foot with you and respect your parenting decisions.
However it’s your ex who should be answering her questions so I’d respond thanking her for being so flexible but that he has the answer to her questions when it’s time for them to meet.
It does sound like you’re not quite over him moving on though based on the internet searching.

bombastix · 01/10/2023 13:20

Also it's for the father to step up. Girlfriend of six months, really silly conduct.

Vgbeat · 01/10/2023 13:21

I think its really nice. I know you've had a hard time with the split and by the sounds of it was more his idea than yours but it sounds like she is really trying to make an effort and trying to have a good relationship with you. I'd say give her a chance.

MooseBreath · 01/10/2023 13:22

Honestly, you are being very unreasonable.

Dating 5-6 months is a long time for some people, especially those who know what they're looking for and aren't in it to "shag about". She clearly recognizes that her boyfriend has children, encouraged him to be with them, and yet respects that the children have a mother who has the most say in their upbringing. She wants everything parenting-related in DP's home (which could very well become hers) to be above board with the children's mother. She wants consistency for the children who have been through the difficult time of their parents separating. Good for her.

It must be hard for you to see your ex moving on. I say this gently, but maybe it's time to get the divorce papers finalised so that you can move on yourself.

crumblingschools · 01/10/2023 13:22

If she works with children she might have experience of the problems with new partners coming into the lives of children and how the adults can cause problems which then impact the children. She might also have been on here and read the horrors of being a step parent.

Sounds as if she might have been in your ex’s life longer than 5 months so not such a new relationship

Blinkinbloodyhayfever · 01/10/2023 13:23

I think its actually quite respectful of her to want to meet you, and if she is used to working with children is almost approaching this from her work mode. Meet her with an open mind, let her know that it's your ex who you expect to do the parenting, but tell her you appreciate her not wanting to tread on anyone's shoes or do the wrong thing. She probably sees suitations where it's the women who do the handovers and looking after, which is a old fashioned but frustratingly the status quo for so many.

theduchessofspork · 01/10/2023 13:23

It’s OTT, but I would always assume people are doing their best unless proven otherwise - she does appear to be trying

I would just gently respond - a nice email - that you’re looking forward to meeting her and you appreciate her thoughtfulness, but as your ex is co-parent he can and should answer these questions for the moment

As you get to know each other and particular situations crop up you’ll be happy to chat more.

You want to avoid a situation where she becomes deputy mum working to you rather than him. But I do think she means well.

Fabshab · 01/10/2023 13:24

@EmsHugs

so you do have things you don’t want her doing but are pissed off she has asked you for things you don’t want her to do?

can you hear yourself?

theduchessofspork · 01/10/2023 13:24

… and get that divorce sorted

bombastix · 01/10/2023 13:25

What is really telling is your ex doesn't know, OP. Because he should, so he can tell his girlfriend.

But strangely he doesn't.

Anyway, nice breezy email back, no meeting, and don't get emotional. This approach will save you getting enmeshed with both of them. You won't move on if you do.

Steev · 01/10/2023 13:26

Did you hope to reconcile?

namechangnancy · 01/10/2023 13:27

You sound annoyed she exists tbh.

It's a bit much but honestly at least she gives a fuck.

Also bitter pull to swallow but you can't dictate who watches your dc when they are at dads house.

I think it utterly bizarre that she's asked for rules from you like your her boss, the fact you have taken offence to it means neither one of you knows how things work both are gonna be in for a bumpy ride

He can't dictate what goes down in your house and you shouldn't dictate what goes down in his house (baring abuse).

This women is setting herself up for a fall.

Stop stalking your exs and her fb - it's weird