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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Irritated that ExH gf wants to meet me to discuss 'parenting' before meeting kids

605 replies

EmsHugs · 01/10/2023 12:56

Ex and I have been separated for 18 months. We have 2 kids 3 & 7. Was a bit on/off for first few months of seperation. We drifted apart but have never started divorce proceedings, he will still come stay over when looking after kids if I'm on night out etc. Amicable.
He told me he was dating at the start if the year which was a but if a gut punch but I just read that to be snagging about and hooking up (fair enough, lack of sex was one of his reasons for splitting) however it turns out he has been seeing someone for 4'5 months. At the drop off this morning, he had said she would like to meet the kids but feels that given their age, she should meet me first so that I can see who it is they are spending time with. He gave me a letter from her that basically reads like a CV. It has got me properly riled up and I'm not sure why, feels a bit like she is trying too hard to be nice and certainly too soon to 'co-parent'.

Amongst other things she wants to know:
My parenting 'non-nos'
Their ideal bedtime routine
What activities I would prefer she didn't do etc
My preferred methods of discipline
She wrote she wants to ensure consistency but frankly I think this is all OTT for someone who he has only been seeing for 5 months. Plus how about asking their father who was pretty hands on.

I text him and asked him when he was planning to introduce them and he said he was going to do it within the next few weeks on a day out Pumpkin picking and then the plan was to do an over night and hopefully then they would all go to the lapland santa thing he had booked for him and the kids at the start of December. Seems like he has had this planned for a while.
A bit of social media snooping shows they have been a thing officially since April but he has been liking her pictures for over a year. He said they met online over a year ago and have been messaging for ages but they only started dating 6 months later. Is that not a bit weird?

FYI has no kids, seems never to have been married. Not sure if Ex and kids are a nice wee ready made family for her.

Would like to know:
YABU - she is respecting you as a mother and doing best by the kids, meet her and be the bigger person and maintain the somewhat good relationship you have with the Ex

YANBU -I'd be pissed off and tell her and Ex it is a bit soon.she is over stepping

OP posts:
PickledPurplePickle · 01/10/2023 13:41

I think YABU she is being respectful and trying to do the right thing

smallshinybutton · 01/10/2023 13:41

Iamuhtredsonofuhtred · 01/10/2023 13:38

I’d be irritated too. It’s batting the mental load of childcare when they’re with their dad back to you, and majorly overstepping. Can you imagine your new boyfriend sending a letter like that to your ex?

I’d send a short polite text reply ‘dear Susie, thanks for your letter, any parenting questions can be answered by Kevin. I’m sure the kids will enjoy getting to know you, kind regards’. She isn’t your co-parent, if he involves her on his time, that’s on him.

That's a good reply. My guess is he's trying to dump the kids on her and she's like eek help!

Avatartar · 01/10/2023 13:41

Sounds like she’s asking for a hand hold as she’s not got her own DCs, but is coming at it from her only perspective - through work. She obviously knows that DCs need careful and consistent handling and she’s concerned not to piss you off Or get it wrong. I’d not reply in writing but tell ex DH as their father what your dos and donts are as he should know and needs to be the conduit here

Gypsum5 · 01/10/2023 13:41

I got you OP. I’ll give it to you straight, it does sound serious between them. You could always ask her how long they’ve been together if you decide to meet her, but I wouldn’t even go there. It’s in everyone’s best interest if you can all remain on good terms. If she works with kids she must like them, but being with someone who has them it totally different. I would speak to her as like it or not, if they do make their situation more permanent, she will be looking after your kids.

Frazzlefrazle · 01/10/2023 13:41

I would be annoyed too.
They have not been a couple long and she is asking you how to parent his children.
Just ask him.
If she's asking permission to be introduced to the children then fine but this feels like she is over stepping her role.

BubziOwl · 01/10/2023 13:41

5128gap · 01/10/2023 13:36

It is irritating OP because its self important and overstepping.
She is part of your DCs lives via their father, and its perfectly sufficient for her to take his lead and guidance on how the DC are treated on his watch. Yet instead she is presenting herself to you as a very important person-to-be in their lives and trying to get you to acknowledge her as such.
This may not have been her intention, but she is lacking in sensitivity not to have thought how it might be recieved.
I do agree with others though, your reaction is coloured by your feelings about the separation. If you were long over it you'd probably have just rolled your eyes a little.
As for meeting her? If you don't want to there's no need. Just reply politely that you trust ex partner to parent the children appropriately and you're sure he will let her know how he wants the DC treated.

This is the most reasonable response on this thread

JudgeRudy · 01/10/2023 13:42

I don't think this has anything to do with her personally. Her suggestions sound reasonable and a letter gives you an opportunity to review what she's said in your own time with less likelihood of misunderstandings.
I think the crux of this is you're jealous and hurt. You're also wondering if your OH checked out a bit earlier than you imagined. It sounds like he cares about your feelings and those of the children.
When I divorced my ex moved on very quickly. It wasn't until I found out they had a baby on the way it really hit me that not only was our marriage over (we were actually divorced) but that he didn't love me any more. I suspect you still loved your ex after you split....maybe he felt the same way....but this is the realisation that it really is over. It isn't that you want him back....its all part of the grieving process.

Who knows, you could well end up on pretty friendly terms with this lady.

Pugfin · 01/10/2023 13:43

Sounds like she's trying to do what she and probably your ex see as the right thing, if it's not the right thing for you then just say what they both do when the children are with them is none of your business.

Not sure if Ex and kids are a nice wee ready made family for her.

Doubtful really, i suspect she'd rather have her own children but as he already has children they have to make it work.

amberisola · 01/10/2023 13:44

From your update, if she works with kids I would expect her to be aware that them getting involved with a new gf so quickly might not be in their best interests. She does sound naive, if well-meaning.

tabulaisrasa · 01/10/2023 13:44

Your ex and his new girlfriend both sound like they are putting your kids first in all of this and doing their best to be respectful to you and how you want your kids brought up. Having seen how some women I know are openly hostile to the kids their partners have, I'd be extremely grateful in this situation that your ex and this new woman want to do right by both you and your kids.

Bournetilly · 01/10/2023 13:46

YABU it is abit OTT but I’d much rather that than someone being the opposite way who didn’t care.

Original poster
EmsHugs · 01/10/2023 13:48

Feels like a minefield. ExH is very hands on but we both acknowledge he is a soft touch, more so when he doesn't see them day in day out. DC (3) is having some terrible tantrums at the moment and find their boundaries which may have led to the disciplining question if I am being generous. I don't think ExH would speak badly of me but as I struggled at first with giving some control to the nanny, he might be covering his bases.
DC(7) is super clingy and will often be bestfriends with anyone that shows her attention or treats her ie granny is her best friend because she routinely buys her over priced magazines in the supermarket and sparkly hair accessories/nail varnishes etc.
Again how do I say to someone don't be too nice to my daughter I don't want you to be her favourite, without sounding like a cow.
The letter came across as very teacherly (which given she is one) does make me a little concerned ExH will defer to her when jt comes to things like homework or how to deal with children. I say that not because he is useless or doesn't want to parent but I suppose it may just be a natural thing.

Eugh I'm going to have to meet her I feel, as I can't see how any of this will read well in a letter. She did suggest we meet just the two of us and then do a handover at the park or an activity where all three adults are present.. 🙄

Just all feels so soon but then if they have been chatting for well over a year and then dating I don't suppose it does feel soon for them.

Can I ask what would be people's do and don't with their ExH gf with kids age 3 &7

OP posts:
OurfriendsintheNE · 01/10/2023 13:48

It probably comes from a good place but it is absolutely not your job to tutor your ex’s new girlfriend on how your children are patented. She will not be parenting them and their father is there for her to take his lead on all those questions posed to you.

Fknowsthebestthingtodo · 01/10/2023 13:49

Hmmm interesting. On the surface it seems considerate, however, it’s nothing that can’t be answered by your ex so not really necessary.

Also this reminds me of my ex’s GF who was totally over invested in our children very early on, then went on to have her own baby and dropped them quickly, leaving them to wonder why she isn’t bothered about them anymore…

I would say she’s not their parent, in theory it’s a relatively new relationship, so as long as she’s pleasant to them that’s great, but your ex does the parenting. As suggested previously, keep it breezy in your reply.

Mummytotwonow · 01/10/2023 13:49

You are just jealous and sound bitter. She is being nice and wanting to work with you for the best for your children.

Bigmoanbabyg · 01/10/2023 13:50

She sounds like she just doesn't want mama drama in her life so is trying to ensure she is aware of anything that would cause conflict.

Women are acutely aware than mums always act and think like the children belong to them exclusively and that dad involvement is a necessary evil. She just wants to avoid stress in her life but having different rules to you and you believing she doesn't care properly for 'your' children.

If sex not being available was the reason for seperation you can't really be bearing any grudges. If he had stopped working and made almost no effort to get a job you'd have left him. That's the difference between the sexes really. Men will support a woman financially without complaint but will become increasingly unhappy in a sexless relationship where no effort is made by the woman in that area. Whereas it's the opposite for women.

OurfriendsintheNE · 01/10/2023 13:50

Don’t meet her. You don’t sound like you want to so you don’t have to. It will set a precedent of you and her communicating directly over the children which is completely unnecessary

yogasaurus · 01/10/2023 13:51

Again how do I say to someone don't be too nice to my daughter I don't want you to be her favourite, without sounding like a cow

You can’t. You’re her mother, you don’t have to worry about this stuff.

Honestly I think him moving on has taken you by surprise. But this stuff is what happens when parents split.

nutsnutspistachionuts · 01/10/2023 13:51

I’d read this as just a bit try-hard, maybe worth an eyeroll but nothing more. She probably really likes him and is trying to impress/make it last. She might be showing her hand a bit there, but that’s not really your circus/monkeys. Remember, best case scenario is she’s nice and you like her!

catnipevergreen · 01/10/2023 13:51

I understand that it it's difficult for you , but I think she's trying to be nice and not step on your toes.

QueenCremant · 01/10/2023 13:51

Op, I totally get where you’re coming from. I wouldn’t have liked it either. She is massively overstepping even if it is from a good place.
Those who are saying you are jealous are probably wrong. It’s not jealousy at their relationship but more to do with someone taking on a parental role with your kids. People who have never split up cannot understand what it’s like to have another person spend time with your kids and do family stuff. It’s the realisation and grief that you are no longer a family and even though you don’t want to be together, it is ok to grieve the family unit.

if things are amicable between you and ex I would try and keep it that way. Send a breezy reply say thanks for her letter and list whatever you are uncomfortable with. Try not to get too involved as she may not last. Just be there for your kids and be positive about her to them. They will also find it weird and may feel guilt towards you if they like her.

its a really tricky time and 4 years down the line I’m still not over it. I’m with someone else, I’ve moved on but it’s still weird seeing someone else do family stuff with my kids. Of course I’m grateful that she likes them, they like her etc but what you are feeling is entirely normal.

Thatcat · 01/10/2023 13:51

I think she’s doing her best, OP. She doesn’t want bad blood.
In the circumstances, I don’t think you’re being terribly unreasonable either, it is a little soon. You might be cautious. And also hurt by your ex, who seems to be getting on with it fast.

But I think as some PP put it, you can say something like ‘thanks for the considerate note. In this early stage, I’ve no expectations for you to parent. That will be done by their dad. It might be more appropriate to revisit it later down the line.’

Fabshab · 01/10/2023 13:52

@EmsHugs you can’t say that without being a cow, because it’s a cow thing to say.

You are probably not in the best place emotionally to deal with this properly yourself if that’s what you’re considering wanting to word in a better way.

kamboozled · 01/10/2023 13:53

Ebony69 · 01/10/2023 13:07

I agree. She has the best of intentions. I can however understand why OP feels uneasy because this is new territory for her. Their separation has now reached a different stage , incorporating a new partner. I also feel that if may be a tad too early to be having this conversation

This. Moving on from a breakup is slow and painful OP, so you're bound to feel down and uncomfortable. Honestly time heals, so keep things in good grace until they do. All the best

Mariposista · 01/10/2023 13:56

Massively unreasonable and defensive.
She wants to know how you do things so she doesn't overstep. Imagine you had a no screens rule and she let them spend 2 hours on a tablet. She is being courteous asking you!
Sounds like you just don't like the fact that your ex is with someone else who will be around your kids whether you like it or not.

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