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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Irritated that ExH gf wants to meet me to discuss 'parenting' before meeting kids

605 replies

EmsHugs · 01/10/2023 12:56

Ex and I have been separated for 18 months. We have 2 kids 3 & 7. Was a bit on/off for first few months of seperation. We drifted apart but have never started divorce proceedings, he will still come stay over when looking after kids if I'm on night out etc. Amicable.
He told me he was dating at the start if the year which was a but if a gut punch but I just read that to be snagging about and hooking up (fair enough, lack of sex was one of his reasons for splitting) however it turns out he has been seeing someone for 4'5 months. At the drop off this morning, he had said she would like to meet the kids but feels that given their age, she should meet me first so that I can see who it is they are spending time with. He gave me a letter from her that basically reads like a CV. It has got me properly riled up and I'm not sure why, feels a bit like she is trying too hard to be nice and certainly too soon to 'co-parent'.

Amongst other things she wants to know:
My parenting 'non-nos'
Their ideal bedtime routine
What activities I would prefer she didn't do etc
My preferred methods of discipline
She wrote she wants to ensure consistency but frankly I think this is all OTT for someone who he has only been seeing for 5 months. Plus how about asking their father who was pretty hands on.

I text him and asked him when he was planning to introduce them and he said he was going to do it within the next few weeks on a day out Pumpkin picking and then the plan was to do an over night and hopefully then they would all go to the lapland santa thing he had booked for him and the kids at the start of December. Seems like he has had this planned for a while.
A bit of social media snooping shows they have been a thing officially since April but he has been liking her pictures for over a year. He said they met online over a year ago and have been messaging for ages but they only started dating 6 months later. Is that not a bit weird?

FYI has no kids, seems never to have been married. Not sure if Ex and kids are a nice wee ready made family for her.

Would like to know:
YABU - she is respecting you as a mother and doing best by the kids, meet her and be the bigger person and maintain the somewhat good relationship you have with the Ex

YANBU -I'd be pissed off and tell her and Ex it is a bit soon.she is over stepping

OP posts:
MrsSunshine2b · 18/02/2024 15:28

PyongyangKipperbang · 04/10/2023 01:22

For me its the fact that its so soon.

5 months officially, a year unofficially.

Lets be generous and call it a year. At a year thats when the conversation about meeting the kids should happen. Ex says "You know I told you I was dating well I've been seeing someone a good while now and its looking long term so I would like her to meet the kids". Little meetings here and there. Building up very slowly to full days out together. I wouldnt be considering joint holidays for at least another year and only then if the kids are happy with it as they may very well not be.

The time to be discussing co-parenting between the mum, the ex and the new partner is when they are planning to move in together quite a long time further down the line. If she is a teacher then she should know that kids takes break ups of their parents hard and it can take a lot longer than 18 months to get used to the fact that they are not getting back together, much less that Daddy has a new GF who is coming on their special holiday with them. She sounds like the sort of teacher who makes sure that the consent forms are all signed but doesnt notice that Johhny being late quite often and looking a bit unkempt lately coincides with him mum having a new baby and his dad buggering off.

And I think that as she is asking the OP what her rules are, it sounds like she assumes she will be ruling the roost when they do move in together, so that is another red flag. How much of an excellent dad will her ex be if new GF (and she IS STILL A NEW GF!) is in charge?!

There is more here to unpick I think. Excellent Dad and Teacher GF are thinking about themselves first and the kids......barely at all above box ticking.

It takes you over a YEAR to decide if you're serious about someone? I think that's a "you" problem!

I met my SD after a month, it was no pressure or stress, hubby met up with some family and friends including me and brought her along. A few weeks later she came over when I was there and we made gingerbread and did some days out over a few weekends.

We were engaged after 3 months and married 18 months after we met, we've now been married going on 7 years. By your logic, his daughter wouldn't have met me until we were finalising the wedding plans!

OP, YABU, she didn't have to reach out to you at all and doesn't need your permission on anything, but is obviously doing her best to keep things amicable and harmonious between you all.

PyongyangKipperbang · 19/02/2024 18:04

MrsSunshine2b · 18/02/2024 15:28

It takes you over a YEAR to decide if you're serious about someone? I think that's a "you" problem!

I met my SD after a month, it was no pressure or stress, hubby met up with some family and friends including me and brought her along. A few weeks later she came over when I was there and we made gingerbread and did some days out over a few weekends.

We were engaged after 3 months and married 18 months after we met, we've now been married going on 7 years. By your logic, his daughter wouldn't have met me until we were finalising the wedding plans!

OP, YABU, she didn't have to reach out to you at all and doesn't need your permission on anything, but is obviously doing her best to keep things amicable and harmonious between you all.

Show quote history

No it takes me a year to find out if they really are who they appear to be, if they are a fit and if my kids are ready for something like that.

I would suggest that being so desperate to snag a man that you will get engaged and enter into a life with a new child within 3 months is very much a YOU problem.

MrsSunshine2b · 20/02/2024 21:37

PyongyangKipperbang · 19/02/2024 18:04

No it takes me a year to find out if they really are who they appear to be, if they are a fit and if my kids are ready for something like that.

I would suggest that being so desperate to snag a man that you will get engaged and enter into a life with a new child within 3 months is very much a YOU problem.

Show quote history

Well, it's only happened once and I'm now still happy with the father of my only child, whereas you've clearly done it enough times to already know exactly how long it takes, so it doesn't appear to be me that's made bad choices.

Cordohroys · 20/02/2024 21:40

YABU - but I suspect whatever she did you wouldn't like it

Froggy99 · 20/02/2024 21:41

MrsSunshine2b · 18/02/2024 15:28

It takes you over a YEAR to decide if you're serious about someone? I think that's a "you" problem!

I met my SD after a month, it was no pressure or stress, hubby met up with some family and friends including me and brought her along. A few weeks later she came over when I was there and we made gingerbread and did some days out over a few weekends.

We were engaged after 3 months and married 18 months after we met, we've now been married going on 7 years. By your logic, his daughter wouldn't have met me until we were finalising the wedding plans!

OP, YABU, she didn't have to reach out to you at all and doesn't need your permission on anything, but is obviously doing her best to keep things amicable and harmonious between you all.

Show quote history

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