Irritated that ExH gf wants to meet me to discuss 'parenting' before meeting kids

[EmsHugs]

Ex and I have been separated for 18 months. We have 2 kids 3 & 7. Was a bit on/off for first few months of seperation. We drifted apart but have never started divorce proceedings, he will still come stay over when looking after kids if I'm on night out etc. Amicable.
He told me he was dating at the start if the year which was a but if a gut punch but I just read that to be snagging about and hooking up (fair enough, lack of sex was one of his reasons for splitting) however it turns out he has been seeing someone for 4'5 months. At the drop off this morning, he had said she would like to meet the kids but feels that given their age, she should meet me first so that I can see who it is they are spending time with. He gave me a letter from her that basically reads like a CV. It has got me properly riled up and I'm not sure why, feels a bit like she is trying too hard to be nice and certainly too soon to 'co-parent'.

Amongst other things she wants to know:
My parenting 'non-nos'
Their ideal bedtime routine
What activities I would prefer she didn't do etc
My preferred methods of discipline
She wrote she wants to ensure consistency but frankly I think this is all OTT for someone who he has only been seeing for 5 months. Plus how about asking their father who was pretty hands on.

I text him and asked him when he was planning to introduce them and he said he was going to do it within the next few weeks on a day out Pumpkin picking and then the plan was to do an over night and hopefully then they would all go to the lapland santa thing he had booked for him and the kids at the start of December. Seems like he has had this planned for a while.
A bit of social media snooping shows they have been a thing officially since April but he has been liking her pictures for over a year. He said they met online over a year ago and have been messaging for ages but they only started dating 6 months later. Is that not a bit weird?

FYI has no kids, seems never to have been married. Not sure if Ex and kids are a nice wee ready made family for her.

Would like to know:
YABU - she is respecting you as a mother and doing best by the kids, meet her and be the bigger person and maintain the somewhat good relationship you have with the Ex

YANBU -I'd be pissed off and tell her and Ex it is a bit soon.she is over stepping

Yes I read it...

My point being that many (like me) who thought the girlfriend was OTT were not advocating falling out over it, like you implied.

*@Clearly responded to a post saying

I wouldn't be entertaining her demands about where I can sleep/providing intimate care, that would be up to my DP to decide as equal parent.

😂 *

Yeh because the bit you've overlooked it that OP TRUSTS HER EX to do the right thing. She thinks he's an excellent Dad.
So yes you are projecting . You have no idea about co sleeping with another adult.

And nope disagreeing is not the same as gaslight whether it happens in public or on social media or not.

But keep slinging it about since it's a buzz word.

OP is second guessing herself she's off for coffee and then to the park.

@sunglassesonthetable

You can trust someone but get it wrong. Many women have....even with 'excellent dads'.
She could trust him to have common sense and boundaries but then he might not. All of that is unknown.

If I see someone getting slated for a very normal valid reaction then yes I'll keep calling it gaslighting!

You can trust someone but get it wrong. Many women have....even with 'excellent dads'.
She could trust him to have common sense and boundaries but then he might not. All of that is unknown.

Yep. 🤷‍♀️ But you can only go on what you know. OP has said she can discuss the finer points of her" list" at a later stage. Great. You're still banging on about something that hasn't even been suggested. I'd call that projection.
*
If I see someone getting slated for a very normal valid reaction then yes I'll keep calling it gaslighting!*

Crack on. But it's incorrect. 🤷‍♀️ Don't be surprised if more people question it. As they have here.

Sounds like she is trying to do the right thing, should she spend time with the children.
As you say, she has no children, so maybe she is just anxious and doesn't want to do things wrong.

The only reason I'm 'banging' on about it is because you keep 'banging' on about it. I only mentioned it because another poster said I wouldn't be entertaining her demands about where I can sleep. You then kept banging on about my response.

It's not incorrect and it was just you and that poster who questioned me calling it gaslighting....and you keep banging on about it 😂

Well you've certainly filled up lots of posts not banging on.
😉

Look up gaslighting.

I have to say OP (while I think your initial reaction was also entirely reasonable) I really admire your attitude to reframe your thinking and move forward in a positive way. Good for you 💐

I didn't say I wasn't banging on, I said I was replying to your banging on 😂

I know what it is and stand by what I said. People are telling the OP a normal, natural valid reaction is wrong and unreasonable. That's gaslighting.

I know what it is and stand by what I said. People are telling the OP a normal, natural valid reaction is wrong and unreasonable. That's gaslighting.

Better rename AIBU then. You know, for when some people think a reaction is wrong and unreasonable and others don't.

Cos the OP will be gaslighted. Happening all over MN.

I think the 3 of you sound awesome @EmsHugs ..
It’s great that you’ve moved on from the initial (and natural) shock… it’s lovely that you’re meeting for a chat.
I think the 3 of you will possibly be great friends and more parents that have separated should be more like you… how lovely would it be for kids if their mum and dads could both come to birthday parties with their partners and all stand and talk like decent humans!
I haven’t read any of the MN comments, onky yours and can’t see any reason for you to get negative comments so defo ignore

Nope because most of the threads aren't like that. Mainly it's just the stepparent ones 😃

Most other AIBU threads can have split opinions but they rarely say that a normal, common, valid reaction to a situation is wrong and that their feelings are wrong😃

*Nope because most of the threads aren't like that. Mainly it's just the stepparent ones 😃

Most other AIBU threads can have split opinions but they rarely say that a normal, common, valid reaction to a situation is wrong and that their feelings are wrong😃*

Really? Well I leave to your sweeping statements. Good Night.

And as a new girlfriend, you wouldn't be sleeping in my childs bed if you were with my ex. I would fight that all the way

Well there wouldn't really be anything you could do about it.

Unrelated strangers shouldn't be in the bed with children....even if the parent deems it ok. Fair enough later on if there is an established close relationship but early on when the relationship between the couple is only relatively new and there is no actual stepparent/child bond? fuck that

You're presenting that as fact but it isn't, just like with the gaslighting thing. It's entirely dependent on your view being indisputably right. It's not like i would particularly want to cosleep with my DSS, I would far prefer it if he slept in his own bed (which in my case he does), but I would not have any real interest in the exes opinion on it if my DP thought it was ok, especially given she was likely the person who had raised them to cosleep in the first place.

Well I would assume that most parents would have a list of demands if a stranger basically told them they were going to be parenting their child and asked how to do it. Better she parents the OPs way rather than her own way 😅

She could have just said "I don't have any expectations of you, sort this out with your DP" as many people suggested. She didn't, presumably because she does feel she should have a fair bit of control over their household. Far more than I would care to give her.

For me its the fact that its so soon.

5 months officially, a year unofficially.

Lets be generous and call it a year. At a year thats when the conversation about meeting the kids should happen. Ex says "You know I told you I was dating well I've been seeing someone a good while now and its looking long term so I would like her to meet the kids". Little meetings here and there. Building up very slowly to full days out together. I wouldnt be considering joint holidays for at least another year and only then if the kids are happy with it as they may very well not be.

The time to be discussing co-parenting between the mum, the ex and the new partner is when they are planning to move in together quite a long time further down the line. If she is a teacher then she should know that kids takes break ups of their parents hard and it can take a lot longer than 18 months to get used to the fact that they are not getting back together, much less that Daddy has a new GF who is coming on their special holiday with them. She sounds like the sort of teacher who makes sure that the consent forms are all signed but doesnt notice that Johhny being late quite often and looking a bit unkempt lately coincides with him mum having a new baby and his dad buggering off.

And I think that as she is asking the OP what her rules are, it sounds like she assumes she will be ruling the roost when they do move in together, so that is another red flag. How much of an excellent dad will her ex be if new GF (and she IS STILL A NEW GF!) is in charge?!

There is more here to unpick I think. Excellent Dad and Teacher GF are thinking about themselves first and the kids......barely at all above box ticking.

You know I told you I was dating well I've been seeing someone a good while now and its looking long term so I would like her to meet the kids"

He does not have to tell her he's been dating. It's none of her business. Telling the kids..... yes involve her because she's their mum but no, he's an adult and he's entitled to his own life. She doesn't need to get used to the idea. It's nothing to do with her. He's moved on and she should do the same. If he wants to tell her it's up to him.

@aSofaNearYou
It would depend on the circumstances, but I was previously told I could get a court order to stop certain sleeping arrangements my ex had. I'm in Ireland

You're presenting that as fact but it isn't,

Oh come on, of course it shouldn't be happening if there's no established relationship, what if daddy has girlfriend after girlfriend, or if it's mummys new boyfriend or what if daddy gets a new boyfriend instead of a new girlfriend?

I would never in a million years sleep in an unrelated childs bed if there wasn't a well developed family bond there.

She could have just said "I don't have any expectations of you, sort this out with your DP" as many people suggested. She didn't, presumably because she does feel she should have a fair bit of control over their household. Far more than I would care to give her.

It was fine for her to engage if she wanted to, many successful friendly coparenting arrangements would have the mum and stepmum engaging with each other, albeit further down the line when the GF actually is more like a stepmum, rather than some stranger the kids have never met.

Also presumably the ex is on the same page as the OP and they already have similar rules/discipline for consistency and she's not trying to 'control' the household.

He doesn't have to tell her, but the vast majority who actually want to maintain a civil, friendly co-parenting arrangement do try to handle things in a considerate way.

He doesn't have to do anything, but again people who are thinking of their kids best interests do tend to show care and consideration to their co-parent.

If the OP met someone and moved him in, she doesn't have to say a word to the ex, but no doubt it would sour the co-parenting relationship which has an impact on the kids.

I wouldn't sleep in an unrelated child's bed either, but if they were coming in my bed then I would not vacate it, either way, I would be there. But the real point is that I wouldn't really care what my DPs ex thought about it, or take kindly to them making stipulations of me of any kind. My entire relationship with them would be based around the approval of the parent I knew.

I agree that it's fine for an ex and step mum to have an amicable relationship and discuss rules together, but my underlying point is - in that case it's not a problem for the GF to have sent the letter she sent, was it. As it turns out OP DOES have a load of really specific stipulations she'd like to make, so it seems like a good opportunity for her.

Well I guess that's where we are different then because I would care about how my dps ex felt about it because I would have empathy and consideration for others. I know that your kids being around another woman can throw up lots of different emotions and so I would consider her thoughts on it.

I think some stepmothers forget that kids actually grow up, and if you're in it for the long haul then the kids will be adults for a lot longer than they are kids. I know a couple stepmothers who took the "I don't give a flying fuck what the mother thinks" approach, and as the kids grow up and have their 18th's/21st's/other events the stepmum (and sometimes the dad) isn't welcome because the relationship turned so sour, whereas in co-parenting + step-parenting arrangements where consideration was shown it's totally different and all are welcome.

@Panaa Yep, that's the difference! I'm not against the ex and I don't actively want to make her unhappy, but the relationship certainly would sour if they tried to make a load of stipulations and especially if they took the kind of forceful attitude many take about it on here. I don't view it as remotely necessary - one of the two parents is present and responsible, and perfectly able to make such decisions. I appreciate that must be difficult for mum's with exes that are not very responsible but that's not really my problem, I wouldn't be dating somebody like that.

I'm not invested enough in attending my DSS's 18th birthday party to be worried about not being able to attend it and I would not be solely responsible for the relationship having soured if the mum was heavy handed and forceful in her demands.

I meant about the dating before meeting the kids. Until the new gf is about to meet the kids the ex does not need to know anything

That's not what you quoted or responded to.

On balance, perhaps YABU?. Of course, we don't know the real details from all sides. Why the kids aren't with you, etc.

Think of the kids first, only then your relationship which you probably hope to revive, (whether or not reasonably!)

If you really think he may return to you (after time out, for the kid's sake, because it was a stupid mistake, etc. Etc), you will be disinclined to endorse the GF's dealing with your kids, but mea while they need her to have the info if she will be doing it anyway.

Good luck. Perhaps find another interim man as a silver lining?

No he didnt have to, but he DID. He chose to volunteer that information, the OP didnt ask him. And having told her he was dating, the conversation should be had between them first about the new GF meeting the kids, it shouldnt be a letter demanding all this information direct from her.

She is, when all is said and done, a new GF about to go on a few days out with the kids. This letter comes across like a foster mother about to take on full time care of a new child!