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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner and 18 year old?

324 replies

Cuppacakey · 01/10/2023 05:12

Feel silly for writing this but need others views to see if I’m looking at it wrong or not.
a few months ago I found out by overhearing my 17 year old partners niece and him talk that he gave a lift to one of her friends.
Fast forward to last night (partners nieces 18th birthday party) myself and partner and our daughters attended. Our youngest daughter was dancing on the dance floor and said 18 year old dancing with her. My partner got up and took photos of our daughter with 18 year old. Now I thought that was odd. My partner wasn’t taking any photos of myself with daughters on dance floor? Later the said 18 year old came outside and my partner gave her a hug and kiss and said hello. He did put his arm around me and when I tried to make conversation with her she still didn’t give me any eye contact and just spoke and looked at my partner.
Am I reading this completely wrong or the vibes I picked up are questionable?
we are 34 and 35 and it just felt all a bit weird to me.

OP posts:
AllAboardTootToot · 01/10/2023 05:15

if the spidey senses are tingling, it’s usually for good reasoning….

PimpMyFridge · 01/10/2023 05:18

This could be nothing or something and on this basic info you'll get directories either way. I think you have to go with you gut in these situations.

PimpMyFridge · 01/10/2023 05:18

Directories= speculations

Original poster
Cuppacakey · 01/10/2023 05:28

I will add that after him giving her a lift he accepted her request to be Facebook friends also.

OP posts:
user1492757084 · 01/10/2023 05:38

Talk to your husband about young girls getting crushes.
He should not be her Facebook friend.
It is inappropriate.

It is fine for him to give her a lift if she is with your niece or daughter.
Touching,hugs etc - not on.
Teachers get taught how to be smart around teenagers. Your husband needs to behave like he is her teacher who would never be alone or be in a situation where the young person could misinterpret the occasion.

cheddercherry · 01/10/2023 09:57

If you felt uncomfortable or that there was a vibe, it’s because there was one. Tbh it sounds creepy as you’ve described it that he’s taking photos of her, hugging and kissing and a massive red flag accepting a friend request. I had many a lift off my friends dads in the past and never did I then friend request them or ask for their number etc? It would never have occurred to me.

He’s a grown man, she’s barely out of school. He’s probably enjoying the attention but most guys his age would recognise they’re playing with fire, as much for their protection as the girls, he shouldn’t be seen all over her and then have these occasions alone with her, people could say anything. If he thinks it’s nothing then ask if he’d be fine with you hugging and kissing one of DD’s male friends in public, taking him for lifts alone and then having his contact details.

anareen · 01/10/2023 10:00

That is super weird.

YokoOnosBigHat · 01/10/2023 10:13

I had a relationship with my 32yr old teacher that started when I was 17. He had a wife- who was also one of my former teachers, absolute shitshow- and I saw her at quite a few social occasions over the length of our affair. I could not look her in the eye, she made me very nervous and stammery and years later she said that's how she first suspected but couldn't believe it would be true as I seemed so like a child to her.

So I would read the room tbh. Just because she seems like a kid to you doesn't mean there's not something going on.

lilacnightmares · 01/10/2023 10:21

This reply has been deleted

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Riverlee · 01/10/2023 10:23

It all could be innocent, it may not be.

The lift could a favour, a one-off. The photographs may be innocent also. Ie. He suddenly realised he hadn’t taken any photos of the event.

However, the hug and kiss suggests over familiarity. Again it may fe nothing, teens are very huggy.

However, words about teenage crush needs to be had and don’t be fobbed off.

Riverlee · 01/10/2023 10:24

And I agree, 17 year olds aren’t always innocent and can be flattered by the attention if older men.

Olika · 01/10/2023 10:30

bluntly bring this up with your partner as this all sounds like something weird us going on

ClareBlue · 01/10/2023 10:37

Riverlee · 01/10/2023 10:24

And I agree, 17 year olds aren’t always innocent and can be flattered by the attention if older men.

And older men can be flattered by the attentions of 17 year old young women and arent always innocent either.

Planesmistakenforstars · 01/10/2023 10:40

Would you give a hug and a kiss to someone that you had only met once to give them a lift home to? As a woman would you even give a hug and a kiss to an 18 year old girl under those circumstances, let along a man (or boy?)

WhatWhereWhenHowWhy · 01/10/2023 11:29

Riverlee · 01/10/2023 10:24

And I agree, 17 year olds aren’t always innocent and can be flattered by the attention if older men.

Riverlee
And I agree, 17 year olds aren’t always innocent and can be flattered by the attention if older men.

And older men can be flattered by the attentions of 17 year old young women and arent always innocent either.

^ and to add to all this - 17 year olds are children and these are grown adults. Despite 17 year olds understanding in the basic sense they usually have neither the forethought or context to understand the full implications. If adults are getting involved it would be grooming even if they're over the age of consent. Don't forget legislation protections 16/17 year olds in terms of things like sexual imagery.

Original poster
Cuppacakey · 01/10/2023 13:40

He didn’t greet other young girls with a hug or kiss at the party or take photos of them. I don’t think he even took a photo of his niece and it was her birthday party.
what do I do if he says I’m being silly or overthinking it and won’t remove her on Facebook?

OP posts:
coxesorangepippin · 01/10/2023 13:48

Well you know the answer don't you

Why is he giving random 18 year olds lifts??

Original poster
Cuppacakey · 01/10/2023 13:54

He said that it was raining and she was at the bus stop so picked her up and dropped her to work. I asked why he didn’t mention it and he said he didn’t think he needed to.

OP posts:
Fabshab · 01/10/2023 14:18

@user1492757084 well he doesn’t have to act like a teacher

if he wants to bang this girl he can, but it’s cheating and the OP can and should leave

He isn’t her teacher there is no legal issues in play here so it’s a bit of a false equivalence

Original poster
Cuppacakey · 01/10/2023 14:19

cheddercherry · 01/10/2023 09:57

If you felt uncomfortable or that there was a vibe, it’s because there was one. Tbh it sounds creepy as you’ve described it that he’s taking photos of her, hugging and kissing and a massive red flag accepting a friend request. I had many a lift off my friends dads in the past and never did I then friend request them or ask for their number etc? It would never have occurred to me.

He’s a grown man, she’s barely out of school. He’s probably enjoying the attention but most guys his age would recognise they’re playing with fire, as much for their protection as the girls, he shouldn’t be seen all over her and then have these occasions alone with her, people could say anything. If he thinks it’s nothing then ask if he’d be fine with you hugging and kissing one of DD’s male friends in public, taking him for lifts alone and then having his contact details.

Thankyou. I haven’t yet brought the issue up and worried that when I do he will say I’m overthinking and he’s just being friendly. I’m not sure how to respond if that response is what I get or refusal to remove her on Facebook. It’s not asking too much is it?

OP posts:
Olika · 01/10/2023 14:27

Just mention what you told us here about the party etc.

Original poster
Cuppacakey · 01/10/2023 16:34

Update.
He told me I need to take a step back. That he wouldn't care if I behaved the same with a young lad. Told me "yeah yeah I'm in the wrong. I'm so bored of this" and walked off.
Feeling upset that I had no reassurance or hug or anything to resolve things.

OP posts:
PimpMyFridge · 01/10/2023 16:53

Excellent response from a grown adult! 🙄
Unless you habitually raise unfounded concerns or criticisms and use them as a stick to beat him with, he should be discussing the matter as though you are a person whose point of view is worthy of at least a hearing!

Original poster
Cuppacakey · 01/10/2023 16:58

No I only raise things if I think it causes friction and needs ironing out. Last week I did suggest he said more positive things to me as he's been very critical and negative towards for a while now and I said it was really starting to bother me. He said that if I had a problem not to come at him but to go talk to the 18 year old!

OP posts:
Olika · 01/10/2023 16:59

I really don't like the way your husband is dealing with this. I think this girl has a crush on him and before long something will happen with attitude like his.