Partner and 18 year old?

[Cuppacakey]

Feel silly for writing this but need others views to see if I’m looking at it wrong or not.
a few months ago I found out by overhearing my 17 year old partners niece and him talk that he gave a lift to one of her friends.
Fast forward to last night (partners nieces 18th birthday party) myself and partner and our daughters attended. Our youngest daughter was dancing on the dance floor and said 18 year old dancing with her. My partner got up and took photos of our daughter with 18 year old. Now I thought that was odd. My partner wasn’t taking any photos of myself with daughters on dance floor? Later the said 18 year old came outside and my partner gave her a hug and kiss and said hello. He did put his arm around me and when I tried to make conversation with her she still didn’t give me any eye contact and just spoke and looked at my partner.
Am I reading this completely wrong or the vibes I picked up are questionable?
we are 34 and 35 and it just felt all a bit weird to me.

He really is a piece of bloody work isn’t he?! I hope you’ve told him where to go. The audacity of this bitch saying he wants to sort things quickly and not listen to you expressing your hurt at his actions. Fucking arsehole, I’m raging for you.

You know him and your relationship (or lack of) best. Whatever you do, I wish you all the best 💐

Oh. So he wants you to shut the fuck up and sweep it all under the carpet…

He is a total arsehole.

Or he messaged her and when he was a pathetic single bloke living in a caravan he was suddenly not attractive to her anymore. So he’s crawling back to his wife after being rejected.

I said the reason why I raise the issue again is because he decides he's done talking and walks off so it isn't resolved.
I don't get that he's truly sorry or see the effort to repair anything. I am just gunna keep doing me and stay busy with the kids.

It's incredibly hard to leave a partner. If you choose not to, all luck to you, OP, and I hope you make a life a life that works for you. You've seen an aspect of him you can't unsee. Keep your boundaries.

If you decide to kick him out, WAY TO GO. He's a predatory, vainglorious dick who wants women to prop up his ego.

Manipulation again. He’ll say anything to keep a roof over his head. So what if he really does stop with her (unlikely) - he’s cheated before, he’ll do it again. Not to mention he’s shown himself to be a predator going for girls in their teens. He’s overdue for expulsion from your life.

I mean nice of him to apologise but should he need to have been told that his behaviour was wrong?
Is it right that he tells you to not go on and on about it because he gets annoyed and upset? Why is he upset? Did he have to call it off with her?
I just think this stinks. Ultimately it’s your choice but even if you do take him back I think you will just be gathering yourself for the the finale…he sounds like a twat that you would do better without. But just go gentle with yourself and take things at your pace, don’t be pressured or bullied into doing anything you don’t want to x

Ahhhhhhh!
Of course solve things quickly so that you shut up and don't keep going on about it! Yes stop going on and on, it upsets him! Omg you don't want him annoyed and upset do you??

Obviously it was all your fault for not stopping him in his tracks straight away and pulling him in for a word yes? You should have told him there and then!!

Learn your lesson for the next time, and the next time, and the next one......

No. Tell him to stay fucked off. The nerve of some men, but nothing surprises me anymore.

This here is his real motive!

He likes his comfy easy life in your house.
Hell just be sneakier about it next time if you let him back.

Nail on the head.

That I should have said when it was happening to stop giving her attention or pulled him for a word.

Protecting his fidelity is not your job, @Cuppacakey.

It’s ludicrous for him to claim he’d have been receptive to your having a word at the family party. Look how contemptuous he was when you spoke to him reasonably the next day at home. Besides, it is his responsibility to respect your relationship and maintain strong boundaries.

His ‘apology/I’ve deleted her’ spiel is clearly manipulative lip service he’s spouting to regain his home amenities.

@Cuppacakey, he is still shitting all over you. He’s determined to set up a false reconciliation where he calls the shots, makes demands, and disregards your healing. This man humiliated you and abused your trust by putting the moves on his niece’s young friend. He doesn’t get to dictate the terms of your recovery by shutting down further discussion because it ‘annoys’ him. The audacity! You need to see authentic remorse and a long-term commitment to restore your trust. You need to be heard and to know the full story. Until he addresses and works on his character flaws with a professional (selfishness, need to control, entitlement to pursue illicit thrills, even with a teen, etc.), they will always be present and he’ll be a very bad bet.

As the wise posters on the survivinginfidelity site would say, he is still in ‘wayward mode’ and is in no way a safe partner.

I really admire your strength and the way you took definitive action to assert your convictions, @Cuppacakey. Thank you for updating.

But you did speak to him. He got annoyed and stormed off. It’s not for you to police his behaviour. Why is he making it your fault? Your fault for not stopping him. Errrr WTAF?

He made a pathetic attempt at an “apology” before. But actually all he did again was blame you for being upset and acted a bit baffled by your feelings. So again, your fault. And he was “magnanimous” enough to say he’d come back when you were ready.

And now he’s thought “fuck! My shitty non apology hasn’t worked. Better step it up a bit”. So he deleted her etc. Probably has the photos saved in a secret folder somewhere anyway. So is doing that just for show. Or she’s told him to jog on. Anyway, this apology, like the last one, is just lip service.

The whole asking you to just sweep it all
under the carpet and stop talking about it (“I don’t want to hear about your feelings, they’re boring frankly and I don’t like hearing that I’ve done anything wrong, even though I have!”) is just beyond!!! These aren’t the words of a man who is genuinely sorry. At every step he’s blamed you for his behaviour, told you to stop talking, blamed you for having feelings, given half arsed empty apologies and he thinks that’s enough? He’s not taken any responsibility for his actions, nor respected you and your feelings in any way. He won’t change if this is the best he can do. And let’s not forget you can’t unknow this man has flaunted his feelings for a teenager under your nose and thought you were the one in the wrong. And from the sounds of it, he still feels exactly the same. Grim!

he's not sorry for how he treated you. He is sorry that he was called out on it and he is sorry he is no longer in the home.

He doesn't think he's done anything wrong, he made that quite clear the first couple of times you talked to him about it. It's just that now it hasn't gone the way he wants he's mouthing the words of an apology to get himself back into comfort. If he has been messaging her then deleting her from FB is meaningless at this point. He'll have other ways to contact her, and other places to store the photos. And you'll never know, because if he's up to something he'll just be better at hiding it now, and you'll have to rely on his word, which you can't do because he's a liar and a cheat. And I just can't get over the fact that when he did walk out he told you he was calling her, making you believe he was making plans to go and meet up with a teenager. That's such a disgusting, vile thing to say. The fact that he said it means it was on his mind and probably what he wanted to do. Hard to get past that. I'm so sorry OP, it's such an unfair and shit situation for you whatever you decide.

He's got a fuckin nerve. He's trying to put you in your place, when he's the one sitting in a caravan in the cold.
I'd reply to his message with 'omg, lol' and leave it at that.

@Cuppacakey you are absolutely correct that your partner was veering into an inappropriate relationship with that girl. He knows it too. That's why he got aggressive and tried to turn things back on you.

An innocent man would have been confused by the accusation and been open and honest including with his phone.

You've caught him pre-shag at the stage when they are just flirting and probably sexting.

Don't doubt yourself. Don't believe his lies and bullshittery. You are worth more than this.

Don't take him back. A happy man who is content in his love and relationship doesn't seek out 17 year olds to make himself feel good. He is a creepy asshat who targeted a teenager and while the attention was flattering and felt good, understandably, he crossed the line into being alone with her and touching her. That is not okay.

If you take him back, he will do this again.

I can not believe the nerve of this man!!! How dare he??? You are worth so much more than this NON APOLOGETIC piece of shit OP! I agree with everything that everyone else has said, and quite honestly would think you were stark staring bonkers if you agree to take him back now, particularly after he's already got history of chasing other women. However, at the end of the day, it is your decision, but I think we're all trying to tell you that you will only be prolonging the agony if you take him back again.

On the plus side, you are one hell of a strong woman! You followed your gut instincts, tackled him about his outrageous behaviour, and took prompt action, so I have no doubt whatsoever, that you will continue along the current path of ending this relationship, and wish you all the luck in the world. Stay strong, you can do this! Sending you one HUGE hug.

OP, I am wondering how you and your children are doing.

Hope all OK x

Me and kids are doing okay.
Went for a beach stomp yesterday afternoon and he phoned and asked to join us.
We spoke and he apologised saying he didn't realise it could be seen differently other than being friendly. That he didn't have intentions to do anything to cause harm to our relationship but understands why I felt the way I did. Said sometimes when he doesn't see an issue he finds it hard to understand why something I find to be an issue but wanted me to know he's had time to reflect and understands why it could have come across that way and he will not dismiss me in the future.
I'm not sure how I feel tbh. If he had responded like that the first time I tried talking about it it would have been different. I think I'm still on high alert and not been able to process this like I'd want to.

He either had a little fling with her in his days away or was going to all along but you caught him out. Only a mug would take him back feel sorry for you if you do.

If you take him back, you’ll go through the same thing again and again with him. This wasn’t his first rodeo was it?

I’m more about actions than words personally. You can do better.

There's a saying - nobody falls in love as fast as a man who needs a roof over his head. I'll add to that - nobody shows remorse as fast as a man who fears losing the roof over his head.

I agree his initial reactions were horrific. I’m sure now that he’s alone, or now that his young woman has no interest (I assume her family wouldn’t have welcomed her 35 year old loved into the Family home!) that he can suddenly find the right words to say. No doubt coached from friends and family because he clearly couldn’t find those feelings and words when you were alone with him.

I dunno OP, you know better than us, but I agree that it wasn’t his first rodeo and I’d never really get trust back. Chances are you’ll be here again next year with a thread just like this feeling your head is mashed because he’s threatened to go off to another girl, he’s “nearly” done something, or you find him at it again. Doesn’t really matter does it where that line is he crosses, the issue at the core is he’s wanting something outside of what you’ve given him, something he can’t admit to, something he’s repeatedly looking for elsewhere.

The first time yeah, maybe people have a blip maybe they make a mistake (I don’t think I could forgive once but I get people work through stuff) but the second time around- publicly all over a schoolgirl. Nah, that would be it for me.

He’s a serial cheat, OP. Don’t believe his bullshit. He knew exactly what he was doing - and with a barely-adult teenager, at that. Give him is marching orders.