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AIBU?

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Original poster

Partner and 18 year old?

324 replies

Cuppacakey · 01/10/2023 05:12

Feel silly for writing this but need others views to see if I’m looking at it wrong or not.
a few months ago I found out by overhearing my 17 year old partners niece and him talk that he gave a lift to one of her friends.
Fast forward to last night (partners nieces 18th birthday party) myself and partner and our daughters attended. Our youngest daughter was dancing on the dance floor and said 18 year old dancing with her. My partner got up and took photos of our daughter with 18 year old. Now I thought that was odd. My partner wasn’t taking any photos of myself with daughters on dance floor? Later the said 18 year old came outside and my partner gave her a hug and kiss and said hello. He did put his arm around me and when I tried to make conversation with her she still didn’t give me any eye contact and just spoke and looked at my partner.
Am I reading this completely wrong or the vibes I picked up are questionable?
we are 34 and 35 and it just felt all a bit weird to me.

OP posts:
SherbetLemonn · 01/10/2023 22:02

AlwaysPrettyOnTheInside · 01/10/2023 21:55

18 year olds don't use Facebook Confused

plenty do, even if they’re not active much, if at all. And I think if that’s the one way for this young woman to communicate via social media with a guy she fancied, it’s not out of the realms of possibility that she’d utilise that.

Regardless, I’m so sorry op. What a shit he is.

Papoy · 01/10/2023 22:04

Sorry OP. Dont want to add fuel to the fire but he should really be sitting down with you and go through his message history on FB and whatsapp and make sure you are 100% happy that nothing doggy is going on. He should also unfriend her and delete photos imedietely.

He is reacting like he is guilty... this doesnt mean he did somehing wrong (in terms of cheating) but he has crossed a line and he has to acknowledge that.

Hope he comes back to his senses and start acting like an adult

Cocacolathanks · 01/10/2023 22:11

He’s a disgusting creep
even if he wasn’t having an affair with a barely-yet-adult, his behaviour is enough to cause an ick.

its easier said than done but be glad you dodged a bullet and move on.

you truly deserve better.

Cece92 · 01/10/2023 22:12

I'm sorry you are going through this. It definitely doesn't look good on his side. If he had nothing to hide he Luke be reassuring you not acting like a tit xxx

Libraryloiterer · 01/10/2023 22:15

That wasn't a relationship. It wasn't an affair and if it happened after 2003 it would have been illegal.

Original poster
Cuppacakey · 01/10/2023 22:16

Papoy · 01/10/2023 22:04

Sorry OP. Dont want to add fuel to the fire but he should really be sitting down with you and go through his message history on FB and whatsapp and make sure you are 100% happy that nothing doggy is going on. He should also unfriend her and delete photos imedietely.

He is reacting like he is guilty... this doesnt mean he did somehing wrong (in terms of cheating) but he has crossed a line and he has to acknowledge that.

Hope he comes back to his senses and start acting like an adult

When I asked why he had put a lock on his phone out the blue he said he was allowed to have one. To stop me being able to look at it. That he doesn't have to unfriend her because it's no big deal and only Facebook. He hasn't removed her or the photos on his phone.
I don't see how he was so shocked at me telling him to leave. I did say if it was the other way round and he come to me saying something made him uncomfortable I would do anything to reassure him and make him feel safe and not to worry.
There was an incident a few years back after I had our youngest where he was messaging another female and to meet up for a cuppa at hers. The messages were popping up on his iPad for me to see. He told me he was going to see his mum and left. I phoned him and said I had saw the messages and why he lied. She was messaging him saying "I miss you sexy" etc and I said it wasn't appropriate for a female friend to be messaging that when you are taken. Our baby was only 2 months old and I asked him to remove her from Facebook and he said he didn't want to as it would hurt her feelings. I just feel like an idiot. I'm now going to be a single mum to 2 and manage on my own which I didn't plan or want.

OP posts:
YokoOnosBigHat · 01/10/2023 22:18

Libraryloiterer · 01/10/2023 22:15

That wasn't a relationship. It wasn't an affair and if it happened after 2003 it would have been illegal.

If that was aimed at me it started prior to 2003, I am quite old now. Definitely was a relationship; it lasted five years sadly.

YokoOnosBigHat · 01/10/2023 22:21

I'm so sorry that this is happening to you @Cuppacakey. I think that if he has form too I would be ending this, you are worth so much better and he's a sleaze. His behaviour is only getting worse and worse. Better to be a single mum than constantly wondering who your husband is trying to shag. Sadly I've known a lot of women who have forgiven these awful behaviours... they all end up spending their lives looking over their shoulders. It's no way to live.

Glassofwino · 01/10/2023 22:23

No advice just hand holding hope you’re okay! Always trust your gut

Talktothefax · 01/10/2023 22:25

what do I do if he says I’m being silly or overthinking it and won’t remove her on Facebook?

erm remove her on FB? Aren’t you more worried your grown ass husband is verging on a paedophile? Fucking gross. You don’t need a hug you need a new partner

DirtyDuchess · 01/10/2023 22:30

You need to pack his stuff into a suitcase and leave it outside the front door. Don't let him back in tonight. Give yourself time to think what you need to do next. Good luck love x

Thisismyname33 · 01/10/2023 22:31

Sorry I don’t have any advice but really feel for you op

Lennon80 · 01/10/2023 22:33

So he’s basically had an affair when your youngest was two years old - lying going to another woman’s house and she’s messaging him ‘I miss you sexy’ - he was obviously shagging her! Good Lord OP you should have got rid then. He’s a pervert and your life will be hell - get rid of him x

Joeylove88 · 01/10/2023 22:35

Your partner is a complete c**t OP! What a loser to be honest. He's turning it all back around on you to make you look like the villain here when your gut feelings are perfectly valid. From his reaction and behaviour towards you I would be starting to get angry about all of this and telling him to fuck right off. Nothing is going to stop him from seeing that girl if he wants to OP so your better off taking back your power and getting the trash out of your life now. How dare he casually behave that way towards you and have the nerve to tell you that your mental when you are trying to reach out for reassurance from him. You are not his priority OP so start being YOUR OWN priority.

Its5656 · 01/10/2023 22:38

PandaExpress · 01/10/2023 21:35

17 year olds are so vulnerable to predatory men. It's an age that older men who want girls think is acceptable. And lots of girls that age are really coming into their beauty, so feel at the height of sexual power over men (or so they think) But they are just kids really. There's a reason so many older songs feature 17 year old girls.
I shudder to remember my 17th year. It was definitely my wild faze and the time I remember being openly leered at by men frequently. Yes, at 17 they know what they are doing and are old enough to know better, but it's the most dangerous time for making bad decisions and messing up their lives.
I really hope you are wrong OP. That he's known this girl through his neice, since she was young and he's just being brotherly. It doesn't look good though 💐

I agree. I had an affair with a 32 year old man when I was 17. I thought I was so grown up but to look back I was a silly kid.
I think we should look at the age of consent in this country.. Perhaps make it illegal for anyone 19 or older to sleep with anyone under 19.
That way teenagers will stick to having sex with each other rather than men old enough to be there dad taking advantage.

MsRosley · 01/10/2023 22:38

You are so better off without this man in your life.

Ladyj84 · 01/10/2023 22:44

I kindof agree Facebook is no big deal sorry I have alsorts on mine nobody cares these days. Tbh it does sound your the one negative and looking for things wrong. Not sure what you needed reassurance for I dunno I find it odd also that your family finding problems everywhere some which may or may not be there

HomeBase · 01/10/2023 22:47

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

What have I just read?

There was only one person who knew exactly what he was doing and didn't give a shit, and that was the 32yr male teacher.

So sorry this happened to you @YokoOnosBigHat I hope you are as ok as poss now. Men like this are predatory abusers. 17 year olds are legally children.

OP - well done for dumping the creepy predator. That poor 18yo girl. She is being taken advantage of by a creepy selfish adult. Disgusting.

Mumof118 · 01/10/2023 22:48

Ladyj84 · 01/10/2023 22:44

I kindof agree Facebook is no big deal sorry I have alsorts on mine nobody cares these days. Tbh it does sound your the one negative and looking for things wrong. Not sure what you needed reassurance for I dunno I find it odd also that your family finding problems everywhere some which may or may not be there

Eww, the fact you are in the minority says it all.

HomeBase · 01/10/2023 22:49

Its5656 · 01/10/2023 22:38

I agree. I had an affair with a 32 year old man when I was 17. I thought I was so grown up but to look back I was a silly kid.
I think we should look at the age of consent in this country.. Perhaps make it illegal for anyone 19 or older to sleep with anyone under 19.
That way teenagers will stick to having sex with each other rather than men old enough to be there dad taking advantage.

Show quote history

Agreed. 17/18 years olds are so young and so vulnerable to predatory older men.

AlwaysPrettyOnTheInside · 01/10/2023 22:53

HomeBase · 01/10/2023 22:47

What have I just read?

There was only one person who knew exactly what he was doing and didn't give a shit, and that was the 32yr male teacher.

So sorry this happened to you @YokoOnosBigHat I hope you are as ok as poss now. Men like this are predatory abusers. 17 year olds are legally children.

OP - well done for dumping the creepy predator. That poor 18yo girl. She is being taken advantage of by a creepy selfish adult. Disgusting.

Show quote history

Aside from the creepiness etc, she's 18. She's an adult too.

BygoneDays · 01/10/2023 23:01

He is having an affair, Time to leave him.

Museya15 · 01/10/2023 23:06

I worked in a bar and if I had a penny for every teenage girl that left that pub with an older married man…I’d be a very rich woman today!

IdealisticCynic · 01/10/2023 23:07

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

How can you possibly read this account and conclude that the issue is a 17 year old child and not her 32 year old teacher? Do you not understand how grooming works? Or do you always blame victims rather than predators?

OhComeOnFFS · 01/10/2023 23:13

He's a gaslighting unfaithful creep. He's lost all respect for you and your marriage - he's just thinking with his dick. And it's not even the first time it's happened.

Get rid, OP. Being single would be much better than being with a sleazebag.