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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Partner and 18 year old?

324 replies

Cuppacakey · 01/10/2023 05:12

Feel silly for writing this but need others views to see if I’m looking at it wrong or not.
a few months ago I found out by overhearing my 17 year old partners niece and him talk that he gave a lift to one of her friends.
Fast forward to last night (partners nieces 18th birthday party) myself and partner and our daughters attended. Our youngest daughter was dancing on the dance floor and said 18 year old dancing with her. My partner got up and took photos of our daughter with 18 year old. Now I thought that was odd. My partner wasn’t taking any photos of myself with daughters on dance floor? Later the said 18 year old came outside and my partner gave her a hug and kiss and said hello. He did put his arm around me and when I tried to make conversation with her she still didn’t give me any eye contact and just spoke and looked at my partner.
Am I reading this completely wrong or the vibes I picked up are questionable?
we are 34 and 35 and it just felt all a bit weird to me.

OP posts:
Branleuse · 05/10/2023 09:51

I personally would not take that apology. Certainly not now. I am sure he bloody well has had time to reflect while in his caravan. Realising that he has not got his family, and that 18 year olds are not a safe bet either. He's still really minimising what happened. His non apology is ' I am sorry you feel that way' rather than anything that says he gives a shit.

Grumpusaurus · 05/10/2023 10:11

Guess it is going to get colder in his caravan... I personally would not be happy. Too little too late.

Olika · 05/10/2023 10:20

Be wary of what he says as him now saying all this stuff is a bit late as the damage was done when he did what he did. He should have realised it at the time.

Taketurn · 05/10/2023 10:31

TBH OP I'm a bit skeptical about that apology because how is it that he became so infatuated with an 18 yr old and was ready to risk his entire life in a split second to crack on with her and then all of a sudden he comes back, begging to take him back? Skeptical.

WowOK · 05/10/2023 10:50

@Cuppacakey hecis saying what he thinks you want to hear. It's too little to late. Remember, he's been dismissive, manipulative, spiteful,now he's on the charm offensive. If this doesn't work he'll go back to being nasty.

I wouldn't be surprised if he slept with her. He'll claim you were on a break I'd it all comes out.

You don't trust him. He's done it before and he'll do it again. Also, he has no idea of what is appropriate behaviour. Trifling with a teenager.

UpaladderwatchingTV · 05/10/2023 11:20

So basically he's now got to the stage where he'll say and do anything in order to get his very comfortable home life back. Think about it OP. He marched out in high dudgeon, when he thought he was going to get his leg over a teenager, but for whatever reason, likely she's laughed at him and told him he's old enough to be her father, he's now back with his tail between his legs. BUT how long before he gets the urge again? How long before another teenager or young woman smiles at him, and he thinks he's in with a chance? He's done it before, this is the SECOND time, remember the old expression?

Fool Me Once, Shame on You;
Fool Me Twice, Shame on Me

Please, please don't let there be a third time.

FartSock5000 · 05/10/2023 11:45

@Cuppacakey riiight. So he is very sorry for how it looked but not at all sorry for doing it?

Taken seperately, it wasn't just giving a young lass a lift home or being secretive with his phone or hugging and kissing her OR even taking sneaky pics of her! It was all of that combined which was inappropriate.

Don't fall for his long con. He wants his cushy home life back until his teen side chick is ready to commit.

You don't deserve this version of so called love. You deserve to be with someone who gives you 100% and doesn't need to bolster his ego with attention from teen girls.

He is creepy, sneaky and had the absolute cheek to turn it back on you when caught out.

You cannot trust this man. He is a liar and he will do it all again because he can. He knows he can turn on the charm and make soppy fake apologies and you'll forgive him.

Chuck the trash out and go find a real partner.

Astrak · 05/10/2023 11:46

Hold fast to your determination to keep this pathetic creature permanently out of your life. Make an appointment with a solicitor to discuss separation and child support. Arrange for his supervised contact with your children. This can be done at a professionally-supervised child contact centre. Good luck.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 05/10/2023 12:02

Obviously, this is only partial quotes from the conversation and he may have made a genuinely sorry apology in RL. On the face of it, it sounds so reasonable, in a politician kind of way, but when you break down the quotes it's not really an apology at all.

  • he didn't realise it could be seen differently
  • he didn't have intentions to do anything to cause harm to your relationship
  • Understands why you felt the way you did (even though he thinks its still not an issue)
  • when he doesn't see an issue he finds it hard to understand why you find it an issue
  • understands why it could have come across that way to OP.

Effectively He didn't realise. He didn't intend. He still doesn't think he's done anything wrong. But he understands why you wrongly found it to be a problem. What he's saying is that the problem is you for thinking it's an issue.

The only positive is that he's promised not to dismiss you in the future - but that relies on him recognising when its an issue - which he still doesn't seem to be, so how much faith can you put in that. It will be the same thing. "I understand why you feel this way but you are wrong because it is not an issue." But he is being such an understanding forgiving kind of soul towards you, despite the fact that he's done nothing wrong and you should therefore accord him the same priviledge, seems to be the line he's taking.

But as I said, you were there for the full convo and you know him well so At the end of the day, only you can judge how sincere the apology is and whether its enough for you to rebuild on.

Beachwalker66 · 05/10/2023 12:16

Oh he is just telling you what he thinks is necessary to push the reset button.

Your home is a better option than the caravan so he’ll say whatever and then carry on doing what he likes.

Aussiegirls · 05/10/2023 13:07

That sick feeling in your stomach. The doubt you keep bringing up with yourself but then think NO I haven't imagined or exaggerated this. I'm sorry you do know and ARE strong enough to weather this storm and leave him permanently. I do know you will AT LEAST always have doubts and will NEVER trust or believe him again. This is not the life you want for yourself or your children. I know, I was there. Sending my support to you 💕

GEK1983 · 05/10/2023 14:00

I reckon he slept with her whilst he's been away and now he's had it he can go back to his life, or so he hopes OR she rejected him.

Neodymium · 05/10/2023 21:47

GEK1983 · 05/10/2023 14:00

I reckon he slept with her whilst he's been away and now he's had it he can go back to his life, or so he hopes OR she rejected him.

I agree. I’d say more likely that she rejected him. If the way they were behaving at the party was obvious to you, prob obvious to others too. It’s entirely possible niece or parents have had a word to this friend and told her to stay away, and when he contacted her to say he’d left she followed their advice. He actually said he was going to go see her. That doesn’t sound at all like he misunderstood the issue or anything.

Orangetreexherry · 05/10/2023 22:38

I’m pretty sure if anyone would have him, he would leave you to ‘go on and on” without him

RantyAnty · 06/10/2023 00:14

You mentioned children? How old are they and do you have a daughter.

I'm certain as a man he understands that it's creepy and wrong for a 34 year old man to be friendly with a barely 18 year old teen girl but he's being disingenous about it.

I would ask him if he would think it's ok for a 34 for year old to be friendly with his daughter when she is a teenager.

My thinking is she rejected him or he realised he's going to be living in a camper and and he'd rather have his easy life so now suddenly he's "aplogetic".

You know he has form for this and basically has one foot out the door if he can find a bbd.

MsDogLady · 06/10/2023 00:59

Your P didn’t have intentions so didn’t understand, but now that he’s reflected, he does understand?? He hopes you’ll buy this load of guff so his feet will soon be back under your table.

He knew what he was doing, but continues the clueless act. He’s not coming clean with the truth. For months he’s had an agenda to build an illicit connection with this girl. You saw the energy between them and his actions toward her. He was confident that you wouldn’t be astute enough to figure it out, and was outraged when you did. He’s now in damage control mode because you haven’t done the pick-me dance like he expected, and he’s tired of caravan life.

@Cuppacakey, I reread your description of his previous infidelity when baby DD was 2 months old. He and that OW met up in her home, and he lied about where he was going. She said, “I’ve missed you sexy.” I’m wondering if that betrayal was swept, like he intends this one to be. If not, what recovery requirements did he agree to that he has now trampled? A promise of fidelity, transparency, and open access to passwords and devices?

I’d say he’s blown his second chance.

I agree with other posters that P has continued to secretly see and interact with the teenager since the party. After all, they’ve clearly been up to something for a good while, and he flaunted her after you rumbled him. Perhaps their liaison has now ended, or maybe they are lying low. One thing is certain — he is ‘that guy’ who chases teens and women, and even feels entitled to cat around when his Partner is pregnant/has just given birth.

Not only is he an untrustworthy, manipulative P, but he’s also a very poor role model for daughters and sons.

Mummysgogetter · 06/10/2023 10:52

No doubt the teenager got the ick once she realised he was serious (i.e. he left the OP and told teenager he had) and the thrill was no longer there realising "shit has got real!"

He's a 1st class creep OP, and not a very intelligent one by the sounds of it.

Joeylove88 · 07/10/2023 08:48

Only you can decide if you are willing to give him another chance noone else can make this choice for you. As long as you are prepared for it to be alot of hard work to get to a place where you feel you can trust him and he needs to do ALOT to prove to you that he can be trusted and that you and your family are always his priority. It's a big gamble considering his past behaviour and now this thing with the 18 year old, but only you can truly decide if you are finally done, or if you want to give this another try. Either way just put you and your children first he doesn't deserve any kind of easy treatment from you!

Spyral · 07/10/2023 17:15

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Zooeyzo · 07/10/2023 17:33

Don't let him back in. Obviously he's trying to come back as its your house. Either teen gave him the boot once she realised its not a funny game or he had his fun and is bored but I would bet on the first option.

Spyral · 07/10/2023 17:43

Ah, so from your last update @Cuppacakey it seems like this girl has in some way rejected your 'd'p since he walked out of your home with a 'see ya'.

No longer getting anything from her gives him more incentive to want to come back to you & it's convenient for him that he can now say he's unfriended her on FB & deleted photos. He doesn't need any of that if that one's become a dead-end now does he? But he can claim that he actually took the initiative of doing those things for your sake. Aye, sure he did! 🙄

And if he was going to do the unfriending & deleting to show you that he cares about your feelings, why didn't he do it when you asked him to, without an argument? Because he's an undeserving dickhead, that's why.

Tryingmybestadhd · 07/10/2023 17:48

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Do you know what is like having dislexia and ADHD and still be able to have a full on carer kids a partner and get so tired that your dislexia just makes writing much harder , plus often writing in 3 different languages so my brain gets muddled even more some times ? No ? Then at least learn to be empathic to those who actually don’t have a laid back day to day and actually do not not have time to make stupid remarks as you are doing 🙄

MsDogLady · 07/10/2023 18:50

It’s a lie that he didn’t have ‘intentions.’

It’s clear that he’s a cake eater who mistakenly believed he could put one over his Wife and family in public. He and the 18 year old anticipated seeing each other at the party, and she intentionally spotlighted herself to grab his attention by dancing with youngest DD. He responded by leaving the table to take photos of her. When @Cuppacakey approached them later, they were in a bubble, and she felt like she didn’t exist there. He subsequently shut her down and protected his new relationship instead of his marriage.

His plan to enjoy this teen on the side hasn’t worked out, so he’s worked out a con to get back in @Cuppacakeys good graces.

Spyral · 08/10/2023 00:19

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