Partner and 18 year old?

[Cuppacakey]

Feel silly for writing this but need others views to see if I’m looking at it wrong or not.
a few months ago I found out by overhearing my 17 year old partners niece and him talk that he gave a lift to one of her friends.
Fast forward to last night (partners nieces 18th birthday party) myself and partner and our daughters attended. Our youngest daughter was dancing on the dance floor and said 18 year old dancing with her. My partner got up and took photos of our daughter with 18 year old. Now I thought that was odd. My partner wasn’t taking any photos of myself with daughters on dance floor? Later the said 18 year old came outside and my partner gave her a hug and kiss and said hello. He did put his arm around me and when I tried to make conversation with her she still didn’t give me any eye contact and just spoke and looked at my partner.
Am I reading this completely wrong or the vibes I picked up are questionable?
we are 34 and 35 and it just felt all a bit weird to me.

They know it because OP said it in one of her posts 🙄

You don't know if something has happened, if he wants something to happen or if he just likes the attention. But when you pointed it out to him that was his opportunity to step up, reassure you and recognise he'd crossed a line. He didn't do that and not at any point has he considered your feelings or his children in this. Stay strong op

I would bet this gaslighting fucker has been cheating on you for years, OP, and probably with barely-out-of-childhood women, too. Glad you got rid of him - it's hard, and painful, but far better than what he's been putting you through and would continue to do if he was still there.

Do you have contact with his sibling? (His nieces parents). Depending on how well you know them it might be worth considering saying that you’re a bit concerned that your partner/ex was behaving oddly around his nieces friend.

It gets worse and worse. Take everything? Like wordly goods and chattels or take everything like kids, house, money?
He is as guiltly as sin and trying to bully you into quietly accepting whatever he says goes. He got nasty really quickly.
Awful horrible man. Sorry @Cuppacakey but you must protect yourself and dc now. Pull out half of any savings and get to a solicitor. Your dp is not the man you knew and loved. Don't trust him or expect him to be decent.
I guess he will threaten to stop paying bills or rent or mortgage next.

The fact that he was taking photos of the girl at the party does suggest there hadn't been something physical going on at the time, otherwise he would probably have other pictures of her already I'm sorry to say. But his behaviour after you called him out makes it pretty clear that he is messaging her and has been rumbled, or that he's up to something else and doesn't want you seeing his phone. Or both. If you feel comfortable, and depending on your relationship with them, it might be an idea to speak to the parents of his niece, maybe showing concern for the young friend. Difficult one though.

OP, I’d be totally frank with him - again - and point out exactly why it looks like an affair at worst and him being flattered by what is a teenage crush, at best. I’d personally do it from a position of concern for him eg “Do you realise your nieces’ friends will think you’re a creep/dirty old man with bad intentions? You put yourself in a vulnerable position by being on your own with her. Most of all, it is also humiliating for me and disrespectful towards your wife and young family.” (No offence, I’m your age and work with that age group in post-16 ed: they think I’m old too. And I agree with a PP that we are trained how to protect ourselves from allegations by never being on our own with them etc.) I’d start by saying you’re hurt that he didn’t attempt to comfort you after your initial conversation, despite feeling hurt and humiliated, and that you’re bringing it up again because communication is important. Personally, I’d also give him the opportunity to tell the truth. But I have said to my husband in the past to always be honest with me if he takes a shine to someone in Accounts or whoever at work, or finds himself bored in our marriage. I’d rather know and be spared the humiliation and heartache.

But I’m confused about why he would take a photo of your daughter with a stranger to her and nothing more than an acquaintance to him, but not you and her having a special moment dancing together. I’d wonder if he fancied her and wants to look at the photo of her, so used the fact she was dancing with your daughter as an opportunity to get a photo. Or if he fantasises about some kind of relationship with her. Maybe/hopefully I’m being paranoid.

But there’s no way I’d leave this drop.

Just seen your updates OP. Get your ducks in a row. I think he’s either unfaithful or has checked out of your marriage and intends to be. I’m so sorry. I really hope I’m wrong and he just has a very strange way of dealing with a bit of conflict.

He’s a gaslighting pervert. Don’t be upset, be furious. You and your children deserve so much better than this.

It just sounds awful and seedy OP.
So sorry you're going through this

OP good for you. I have an 18y girl and his behaviour made me feel sick. This is him being a creep. I am really impressed at your behaviour. Stay strong but well done for getting away. I am sorry but he sounds a slimeball. X

Leave him. Sorry he’s a perv, he knows exactly what he’s doing.

@Cuppacakey, you know what you saw and your observations have proved correct.

P’s behavior after being caught out just reeks of guilt. He provided zero empathy, transparency or reassurance. Instead, he pulled out all the stops to control the narrative and bully you into backing off: name-calling, threats, and blocking transparency on his phone and FB. His priority was protecting his crush and their relationship.

They’ve clearly been simmering since being together in the car months ago, or possibly before that. His phone has been accompanying him to the shower, and I assume this is an unusual recent behavior. At the very least, they’ve been messaging, which is highly inappropriate.

He figured he could get some snaps of her dancing, using your young DD as cover. He assumed you’d be clueless, but his singling her out for photos and affectionate gestures, plus her awkwardness with you/laser focusing on him, were dead giveaways. He’s kicking himself that he blew his subterfuge.

Keep posting, @Cuppacakey. We’re here to support you. If it would help, go through all the comments and pull those that might be useful to you as you organize your thoughts and read him the riot act.

While he’s out of the house start getting things sorted. Transfer 50% of any savings to your own account.
Pack his stuff and put it outside in a shed/garage.
Speak to a solicitor if possible about separation, claiming child support.

Sorry to hear this OP

he really doesn't sound worth a tear

If you have joint accounts I’d remove all the money.

Yes, continue being proactive. Knowledge is power, so consult a solicitor asap to learn your options. P has turned vicious and is lashing out, so you should absolutely transfer half of the savings to an account in your name. That is fair.

He really is a nasty piece of work with his sordid pursuit of this teen and his goading and taunting you. But I do wonder how he would react if a 35 year old man sniffs around DD when she is 18.

How are you financially? do you have a job? If not, start planning on going alone. This will give you confidence to handle what comes next. Do you have family support? you need other people around you now so you have sane voices helping you, not just this idiot playing mind games.

I think your suspicions are correct. He's very likely having a sexual relationship with her, but at 18 it's highly unlikely it will last long. So he'll be back at some point trying to worm his way in telling you that you are crazy. You're not. You have a right to not be in a relationship if it feels wrong to you You don't need evidence or 100% proof, how you feel is good enough. So anything he says to manipulate you, just answer with 'it's not working for me and I won't accept it'.

Back in the early 90s, a school friends married dad was a driving instructor and was notorious for chasing 17/18 year old girls, then boasting about it to the young lads he was teaching. What was so sad was the daughter idolised the dad and didn't know what everyone else in the community knew. What a scumbag.

Your eyes are open now. Keep them wide open or you'll always be on edge with him.

Sorry you are going through this. If he was innocent, he would’ve reassured you and removed her from facebook, but instead he tried to shut you down and dismissed your feelings.

Him saying he will leave and not come back is so that you panic and ask him to come home so don’t play his game. It will be hard to part but it is better in a long run. Keep strong.

Have you heard from him this morning OP?

How close are you to his niece? Just wondering if you could message her and tell her about it and see if she knows anything.

I haven't heard anything from him since he packed a bag and then said "see ya" and walked out.
He will give me the silent treatment now as though it's me who has done something wrong.
I am concerned he will show up later though to get more things.

So sorry this is happening to you OP . My x was similar and I put up with him for a long time , doubted my gut feelings , didn’t want to disrupt my DC lives . It’s going to be hard but I hope you get lots of support from friends and family who show their genuine love and support to you . There is a better life waiting for you .

Why don’t you add her on Facebook too? You’ll see if there has been any interaction then.
all sounds very off though. Trust your gut instinct. He sounds like a twat though in all honesty. Sorry.

Here's how these situations should go in a healthy, mutually loving relationship.

Me: hey DP, I don't know if its a good idea to accept that friend request from neice mate.
DP : why?
Me : I know what it's like to be that age and have a crush on an older guy. This whole thing makes me super uncomfortable. Trust me it's super weird and it makes you look creepy too.
DP : I didnt think it would do that, but more importantly i never ever want you feeling this way, I'm sorry I thought it was ok, I'll unfriend her now.

Its not a relationship of you don't put each others feelings first.

His reaction when you spoke to him speaks such volumes about what he ACTUALLY thinks about you. He doesn't respect you or your feelings and his minimisation and disrespect toward you show he thinks you're an idiot or being stupid. It's all very gross

Aw, sending you big hugs OP ❤️