Partner and 18 year old?

[Cuppacakey]

Feel silly for writing this but need others views to see if I’m looking at it wrong or not.
a few months ago I found out by overhearing my 17 year old partners niece and him talk that he gave a lift to one of her friends.
Fast forward to last night (partners nieces 18th birthday party) myself and partner and our daughters attended. Our youngest daughter was dancing on the dance floor and said 18 year old dancing with her. My partner got up and took photos of our daughter with 18 year old. Now I thought that was odd. My partner wasn’t taking any photos of myself with daughters on dance floor? Later the said 18 year old came outside and my partner gave her a hug and kiss and said hello. He did put his arm around me and when I tried to make conversation with her she still didn’t give me any eye contact and just spoke and looked at my partner.
Am I reading this completely wrong or the vibes I picked up are questionable?
we are 34 and 35 and it just felt all a bit weird to me.

@Ladyj84 you sound like someone with the maturity of a 17yo

I'm confused ! ... The opening to your story references your partner as "17 year old". Is your partner really 17 years old ? ... Do you actually mean that they have been your partner for 17 years ? .... Because your story ends with "we are 34 and 35" ?

@Efficaciou5
My partners niece is 17. Now 18 as we attended the party. My partner is 35.

If Facebook is no big deal what is the problem with removing someone?
I don't understand your comment. I don't go looking for negatives in my partner. I didn't go to his nieces birthday party expecting him to behave like that and take photos of a young girl and singling out only one of the many that attended.
I initially just needed reassurance that he might understand that his over friendliness could be seen differently to the young girl and that nothing untoward was going on. I did not expect it to go so horribly or to be told I was mental for raising something that felt weird and uncomfortable. I do not go taking photos of 17/18 year old boys and did not see any other men our age at the party doing what my partner did.

@Cuppacakey with all respect your verging on middle aged partner has had sex with a 17yr old. Personally I think that should be illegal. Facebook friends or not isn’t the issue

@Talktothefax
I have no proof that has happened. It might have or might not but what I do know is that what I witnessed made me feel uncomfortable and I tried to address that with my partner who did not want to see or understand my concern. Instead he made out I was the mental one and locked his phone and did nothing to reassure me. It's just all really crappy :(

It is crappy indeed. Don’t put up with it. You’ll soar without him

Eeewww he's an absolute predator!! That's disgusting!

He is seeing her I’ve no doubt!
She as probably flirting with him when he gave her a lift, that was his green light.

why would he have her mobile number? For what other purpose?

Fwiw. My exh is now married to a woman 19 yrs younger than him (she wasn’t the reason we split that was someone else !!
so it does happen

Where is he now OP? From your initial post, with him putting his arm around you. I thought maybe he's just known this girl for a long time and wants to be the cool uncle. Which is a bit sad, but not a dumping offence. And she perhaps has a crush on him.
It's the locking of the phone which has made this all the more sus.

No she's not. It's a friend of the niece.

He’s a slimy creep and she’s a tramp for flirting with him. She’s 18, she’s an adult. They both know what they are doing.

So has he packed his stuff and headed out or is he expecting to go between you and whoever else until this blows over ? I suggest you pack his bags or give him a deadline for moving everything out.

I think he has gone to his holiday caravan. Hoping his saying he was gunna see the 18 year old was to hurt me and not actually his plan. He did say he was gunna take everything and I won't see him again. I've checked and he's got have only taken a small bag with work clothes and shoes as everything is still here even his toothbrush. He went in to see the kids before he left so I settled them back to bed and my eldest said daddy will see her tomorrow. My heads all over the place.

It sounds pretty cut and dried to me. All his actions, and reactions, are textbook and I feel like I've read this a million times on Mumsnet.

The awful thing is the not knowing. You are unlikely to know for sure (for now) whether your suspicions are correct. But it doesn't really matter. Let's imagine he's not having an affair with the teenager...the fact he would rather throw his family away than be honest with you or reassure you, because he fears that doing so is somehow a sign of weakness or he's handing over power to you? That's fucking bullshit. Men like that just aren't capable of the kind of emotional labour, humility, compromise, give and take, that a marriage depends upon. He isn't cut out for it. He doesn't have the strength of character. Men like this think that making concessions (and bare in mind, what he's being asked to do is "please don't engage in inappropriate relationships with teenagers and befriend them on social media") is a weakness and they are compelled to always hold the upper hand. They are so frightened of relinquishing the tiniest bit of what they believe is power. They think it's strong, alpha male behaviour but it's the exact opposite. Only deeply inadequate and pathetic men are this insecure.

I know it's shit for now, but honestly if he's the kind of guy he sounds like, you're far better off without him.

What a creepy predator.

He took the photos for his wank bank and that's likely why he's taking the phone into the bathroom as well as for chatting with her.

Is the niece the child of his or your sibling? I think I'd be telling them all about him. I would hope the girl's parents would be outraged about a creepy old married man snooping around their daughter.

The fact that he even said that was his plan. is gross whether he does or not. A 35 year old using an 18 year old girl to try and make you feel jealous and insecure is very alarming.That response shows he’s definitely capable of it.

She probably lives at home with her parents so he can’t go to here even if he wanted, but don’t be surprised if you find out later she’s been at the caravan.

I think you did the right thing by taking action, especially when it’s likely he already cheated before just two months after you’ve given birth. I think he’s been gaslighting you for a while and you’ve lost sight of what’s acceptable or not.

Stand your ground and it will get better.

@Cuppacakey, kudos for telling this practiced cheat to leave. Stick to your guns and refuse to tolerate his appallingly predatory behavior or his mockery of you and your children.

He cheated when you had a newborn and he’s cheating now by pursuing this teenager. They have illicit secrets and sound mutually boosted, so there’s no telling how far it’s gone and will go. He is a pathetic creep who has a severely deficient moral compass.

His despicable treatment of you is beyond the pale. You say he’s been ‘very critical and negative’ toward you for a while. This is part of the Cheater’s Script. He’s up to no good and is creating distance between you to self-justify his transgressions.

His shitty responses today to your valid concerns are indeed classic DARVO tactics, designed to humiliate you, lock you out, shut you up, and put you back in your lane. And threatening that you’re pushing him toward the 18 year old by asserting your reasonable boundaries?? No, he and only he is responsible for his destructive, unethical choices. What a blatant, self-serving manipulator he is.

@Cuppacakey, whatever you do, do not back down. Get angry and stand strong. He needs to experience very sharp consequences while you consider your options. Personally, I wouldn’t be staying with such a morally bankrupt loser.

he sounds like a prick

Agreed!

OP I know how desperately miserable you are likely to be feeling right now, but you trusted your instincts even when he tried to gaslight you into thinking you were the one acting daft, when in actual fact he's behaving like a besotted teenager himself. I'm really proud of you for standing up for yourself, and throwing him out, you're clearly far too good for such a pathetic specimen of a man.

What these guys don't seem to get, is that they're actually putting their whole lives at risk when they mess with young girls of this age. Not only has he put his current home life on the line, together with his relationship with you and his children, but by giving her a lift, he could have found himself accused of rape, especially if at some point in the next few months she found herself to be pregnant, whether it was his or not. They think with their dicks and then mostly don't suffer the consequences, so that's why I'm really pleased that having caught him out, there's been no messing, you've told him to go, and I really, really hope that you're strong enough to see it through, as you deserve so much more.

Stay strong OP, we know it's hard but we're all here to support you, not just now, but if you have a wobble when he comes back with his tail between his legs, which I'd lay odds that he will.

He did say he was gunna take everything and I won't see him again.

If you have a joint savings account, I'd remove half the money.

She was at the bus stop he pulled over for her.

If my DH started taking photos of a random young girl at a party I’d actually go absolutely light and call him out there and then for being a creep, the divorce papers would follow. Some men are just disgusting. So sorry OP. Put him in the bin, you and the kids are much better off without him.

She was at the bus stop he pulled over for her.

How do you know that, @Louise303 ? 🤔