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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Partner and 18 year old?

324 replies

Cuppacakey · 01/10/2023 05:12

Feel silly for writing this but need others views to see if I’m looking at it wrong or not.
a few months ago I found out by overhearing my 17 year old partners niece and him talk that he gave a lift to one of her friends.
Fast forward to last night (partners nieces 18th birthday party) myself and partner and our daughters attended. Our youngest daughter was dancing on the dance floor and said 18 year old dancing with her. My partner got up and took photos of our daughter with 18 year old. Now I thought that was odd. My partner wasn’t taking any photos of myself with daughters on dance floor? Later the said 18 year old came outside and my partner gave her a hug and kiss and said hello. He did put his arm around me and when I tried to make conversation with her she still didn’t give me any eye contact and just spoke and looked at my partner.
Am I reading this completely wrong or the vibes I picked up are questionable?
we are 34 and 35 and it just felt all a bit weird to me.

OP posts:

Elfandwellbeing · 01/10/2023 17:01

He is thinking with his dick. Someone mentioned upthread that there is nothing illegal, well no, however it’s creepy af and he is acting like a predator. Sorry if that’s harsh but he is. He seems to get vibes of weakness/interest from a child and he moves in closer.

Original poster

Cuppacakey · 01/10/2023 17:01

And when I asked why he had her on Facebook he said it's just Facebook It's not a big deal. Trying to keep myself upbeat but failing.

OP posts:

RichardArmitagesWife · 01/10/2023 17:04

Red flags so large they can be seen from space.

cheddercherry · 01/10/2023 17:05

I think at this point I’d be upbeat about the prospect of getting rid of this creep.

He doesn’t make you feel good.
He doesn’t talk to you in a way most of us would consider to be decent.
He clearly doesn’t respect you.
He’s chasing GIRLS half his age and brazenly even in front of your friends and family.
He’s not even decent enough to talk to you about it.

Oldthyme · 01/10/2023 17:06

Play the long game if you can.
Build a bigger picture and be watchful. Be more aware.
Listen to your gut. It’s your second brain.

A contingency plan might be prudent, just in case.
I hope it all works out.

Marthachanged · 01/10/2023 17:07

. . . and your DD said. . . ?

thesnailandthewhale · 01/10/2023 17:07

Very unusual for a girl that age to use Facebook these days - I work in a school and even Instagram is a bit past it and most teenagers eyes, they see Facebook as being for dinosaurs

Screamingabdabz · 01/10/2023 17:09

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Give over. We are talking about grown men in their 30s with young naïve women. It’s the men with wives who know exactly what they’re doing.

Seryse · 01/10/2023 17:14

Time to leave OP, sounds like a shitshow.

Mummysgogetter · 01/10/2023 17:18

OMG 😳 this has wrong written all over it ! He also sounds a weizel who is trying to get an 18 yr old girl to take the fall out for him being a sleeze- how nice of him.

it sounds like he’s after her and she has a crush on him. But obviously with him being the older adult here, he is not going to admit that he’s enjoying the attention, but just sleeze around her when he can pass it off with plausible deniability (i.e. it was raining and she needed a lift).

I wouldn’t give him chance to gaslight you. Is this man really who you can envision the rest of your life with ? (i.e. there’s no trust and he’s a predatory sleazy perv)

newbie202020 · 01/10/2023 17:36

What 18 year old is on Facebook is my question

HerAvatar · 01/10/2023 17:42

I know it seems extreme but honestly OP I'd be gone, but I do have a particularly strong aversion to creepy men. And he is being creepy, she's barely more than a child and he is a grown adult who should know better.

His response is very telling, any decent man would be horrified that anyone might think he was interested in a girl of barely 18 and doing everything he can to repair that impression, the fact that he's not means he doesn't think he's doing anything wrong.

And that's before we even get to the lack of care and respect he's showing for you, again any decent man would be wanting to know how he's managed to make you feel like this and what he can do to fix it. His anger is pure DARVO and a complete refusal to take any accountability for his own actions, and I can't see how you can possibly have any sort of healthy relationship with a man like that.

SpacePotato · 01/10/2023 17:59

His attitude towards you and making it seem like it's all in your head or your fault he's behaving oddly is him manipulating you into accepting it and never questioning him.

He'll call you controlling etc. Changing the narrative to suit him.

Sigmama · 01/10/2023 18:03

'Didn't think he needed to mention it'? most would mention giving a lift to an acquaintance, friend or relative

SVFXHMX42 · 01/10/2023 18:03

I always find it useful to reverse the sexes in these scenarios. Imagine you gave a young lad a lift and then you were at a party, kissed and hugged him and spent the evening taking photo's of him and his friends. Sounds a bit weird doesn't it? Like the many threads about husbands befriending attractive young women at work or hobbies and going for lunch/drinks etc. Don't see many wives doing that with young men at work.

OP your husband is lusting after teenagers and he's being hugely disrespectful to and dismissive of you. He can't even be arsed to give you any reassurance. I'd keep a close eye on him if I were you.

YokoOnosBigHat · 01/10/2023 18:12

@lilacnightmares I was groomed from the age of 12 and later sexually assaulted by this man, but sure, let's blame the 17 year olds.

Bloody hell. I bet you were loudly on the Russell Brand threads calling him out for fucking a 16yr old, but this is clearly a horse of a different colour. Take a look at yourself.

Marthachanged · 01/10/2023 18:21

I would still like to know the opinion of the young women in this scenario. Awareness? Recognition? Instincts? Probably clocked it.

Original poster

Cuppacakey · 01/10/2023 19:00

He's now put a passcode lock on his phone and changed Facebook settings so when messenger comes through it just says new message not who it's from. Told me that I shouldn't be looking for something to argue about and just be happy and it's my choice if I want to sulk about it today or tomorrow but he's done with talking about it. I can't message an 18 year old about it. I'd feel awful doing that.

OP posts:

YokoOnosBigHat · 01/10/2023 19:02

Cuppacakey · 01/10/2023 19:00

Well, that's your answer. He's definitely messaging her.

Mummysgogetter · 01/10/2023 19:03

Why would anyone, unless guilty, put a password lock all of a sudden on their phone??? He’s just showing himself as being more and more guilty

Original poster

Cuppacakey · 01/10/2023 19:05

Currently sat in my car 🚗 n a lay-by to get out the house and just told my best friend. Crying my eyes out as she also thinks it's suspicious when I said about the phone always going in the bathroom when he showers etc. feel like I'm being made out to be mentally unstable by thinking the way I am and that I shouldn't be so daft when I didn't go looking for this.

OP posts:

Slipslidinginthefray · 01/10/2023 19:12

Classic gaslighting making out it’s you going crazy not him acting badly

Im sorry OP I was on the fence initially but his reaction if nothing else is cruel. Who wouldn’t want to reassure someone they love that they don’t need to worry at all?
it suggests not only is he in somewhat guilty (of at least thought if not action) but he doesn’t seem to mind being nasty and sticking the knife in when you are clearly miserable. That’s not a good partner. I’m so sorry.

Riverlee · 01/10/2023 19:14

It gets worse with every update.

cheddercherry · 01/10/2023 19:15

It just gets worse, he’s not only clearly guilty but he’s cruel, smug and gaslighting you. It’s almost like he’s gloating? You don’t even need to hear from the girl, what he’s doing right here, right now is awful.

Lilibert456 · 01/10/2023 19:15

Stop crying and come out fighting. Kick his arse out. He can go and live with the teenager and her parents. He has nil respect for you. I am sorry that this perverted excuse for a man has put you in this position. He will be the loser not you.

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