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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Child favouritism to the tune of 50k

241 replies

FrillyGoatFluff · 30/09/2023 18:54

Please bear with, there’s some background!

I’m mid-30s, married with one daughter (toddler). I live with my DH and two DSDs (no contact with mum, we are entirely responsible 100%, financially and otherwise).

We paid for our house entirely ourselves, no help from family etc, same with our wedding. Have never asked anyone for a penny.

My half sister (dads daughter) is 21. At uni but lives with BF in her uni city. He works, earns well, lovely guy. She’s nearly finished her degree, looking at great grades and has a solid future plan. They’ve been together 3 years, talk of getting engaged when she graduates. I have no other siblings.

My Nan (dads mum) recently passed away, and dad is talking about selling the family home (he, stepmum and Nan lived together in nans house) and buying somewhere smaller. Would free up about £250k (we’re in the south east). Dad and I live in the same village, which he plans to continue living in. Fab.

However, he recently announced that he’s planning to give my sister £50k, to ‘set her up’ for wedding, house deposit etc.

Now, I love my sister, and honestly do want her to have the money for all of the above but I’m REALLY narky that she’s getting a £50k handout, and I’m getting bugger all. I appreciate it’s his cash to do what he wants with, but actually, it’s not even about the money, it’s genuinely not, it’s the fact that I feel totally second best.

For history, mum chucked my dad out when I was two (affair, he then married her, she was a ballache) and was sporadic with child support - both financial, and emotional. Mum bought me up and it was tough, financially, we were up against it. My sister, however, was a two parent family (three really, my Nan was there too), wanted for nothing - dance classes, drama lessons, foreign school trips, uni paid for - financially, she has been well catered for, and had a much easier time of things. Dad seemed to grow up by the time he had her, I was a bit of a learning curve I think, the training daughter almost.

My dad told my mum about his financial plans the other day (they’re arms-length-friends now, for the sake of my daughter) and she pointedly said ‘don’t forget you have two daughters’ and his response was ‘well yes, but I want to set X up’. With one biological daughter of my own and two DSDs, I cannot imagine for one second treating any of them this differently, I can’t see how he can justify it in his head?

Am I being totally ridiculous? Yes, I absolutely DO have my life together (through pure hard work on my and DH’s part!), should i to just let it go and accept my dad is a total fuckwomble??? I really can’t decide if I’m being a drama queen or not, but we live 500yards apart so I can’t avoid the subject forever!

OP posts:
Sigmama · 30/09/2023 18:58

No that's utter bollocks, you should be treated equally

CherryBlossom321 · 30/09/2023 19:00

Of course you’re not ridiculous or dramatic. I’ve heard these kind of situations explained before as “X already had what they need, they’re fine, but Y needs help more.” To me it doesn’t matter. I’d still gift to both children. Sometimes the hard work and achievement of a home etc leaves you on a tight budget!

reallyworriedjobhunter · 30/09/2023 19:00

Your Dad is really not a nice person.

WindowsSmindows · 30/09/2023 19:01

You have to calmly tell him that it is clearly unfair and risks driving a wedge between you and your sister and between you and your father.
Because it does.

Luckydog7 · 30/09/2023 19:03

I would have to say something. How hurt you were and that you consider it favoritism. You have tried to forgive him for your childhood and this just cements the pain. Don't mention the money just the unequal treatment.

HermioneWeasley · 30/09/2023 19:03

He’s a twat

PoseasRadicalActuallyMisogynistic · 30/09/2023 19:03

Is the sisters mothers money though?

MonkeyChiselTree · 30/09/2023 19:03

Have you mentioned how it's made you feel second best? Perhaps he simply doesn't see it. But I think a carefully worded 'When you said you were going to do x it made me feel y. Would you mind doing z which would make me feel q'.

Original poster
FrillyGoatFluff · 30/09/2023 19:04

To add insult to injury, and this IS mercenary, but my dad is 19 years older than my stepmum.

I'm 99% sure that my stepmums will is everything entirely to my sister, which is fair enough, my mums is the same to me. But dad and SM went into the property with fuck all, so the equity is entirely nans, so it irks me that sis will inherit it ALL, despite actually, me theoretically having as much share, if that makes sense?

Honestly, the cash really isn't the driving force, (although I appreciate it now sounds like it is) it's just fucking aggravating.

OP posts:
WhatsMyDream · 30/09/2023 19:04

PoseasRadicalActuallyMisogynistic · 30/09/2023 19:03

Is the sisters mothers money though?

The money is from the grandmother, the father's mother

Original poster
FrillyGoatFluff · 30/09/2023 19:06

PoseasRadicalActuallyMisogynistic · 30/09/2023 19:03

Is the sisters mothers money though?

No, equity from a house owned by our joint Nan, dads mum. Dad, sis and step mum lived in it with Nan.

OP posts:
thiswasabadone · 30/09/2023 19:06

If it was £1000 for a car or towards a deposit then it would make sense to say nothing, your sister has always had more than you so it wouldn't make much difference but my god £50k you have every right to point blank say to him you know about the money and it's upset you.

Say it calmly and with class which you clearly have but don't mince you words.

He needs YOU to make it clear to him that he has two daughters and up until now you have said nothing but the time has come for you to speak up. You owe it to yourself

Mouthfulofquiz · 30/09/2023 19:07

Sorry but your dad has clearly not grown up at all. Would it help to sit him down and tell him straight how you struggled and how you feel? To be sporadic with child support and then not give you the same as your sister is shitty as hell.

FawltyTower · 30/09/2023 19:07

You have to calmly tell him that it is clearly unfair and risks driving a wedge between you and your sister and between you and your father

This.

You don't need to create drama and rows (I'm not suggesting you would) but you do need to tell him this.

CantMoveCatOnMyLap · 30/09/2023 19:08

He will be thinking (with influence from SM) that you’re sorted but your sister isn’t sorted yet, so he’s giving according to current need. So you just need to calmly explain why this is hurtful

itsgettingweird · 30/09/2023 19:13

No you're not dramatic.

You are both your dads daughters.

He should treat you equally.

Gobbolinothekitchencat · 30/09/2023 19:16

You have my sympathies, have experienced very similar with own DF and DM giving younger sibling an eye-watering amount of money, early inheritance, towards a rather large house upgrade. Why? In their view to be fair, as myself and DP had managed to get decent house through jobs, side projects and not taking lots of holidays and buying designer stuff like sibling. They had the ‘decency’ to check I was okay with it, after sibling had exchanged. I have been reassured I will get this sum when both are gone but considering DM let slip that solicitor thought it wasn’t wise, I doubt the money will be there. But OP, I agree with you, it’s not the cash, it’s having it rubbed in your face that you are not good enough. My sibling is the preferred child, I was more ‘awkward.’

All I can say, is rise above it. I hate the fact it has happened and parents will probably regret the sum of money in a few years.

Allthorpe100 · 30/09/2023 19:16

Hey OP, I could have written this. Mum has 2 kids with stepdad my siblings. Love them dearly. Love my mum love my stepdad. I am also in 30’s and siblings are in early 20’s. I have house kids partner etc all on my own.
siblings have had driving lessons paid for, cars bought for them, university help, holidays gifted and probably house deposits. Ive had zilch. I never say anything but it does hurt, like well what about me? Mum has always been harsher on me and says I have to work for everything which I don’t disagree with, but why don’t my sibs? I even get hurt about stupid petty things like sibs having birthday cakes made for them and I never did.
not sure what to suggest but I understand! Although I say this I did have a very lovely upbringing and sometimes feel like a brat for even thinking it but can’t help the way you feel!
My dad and stepmum are a lot fairer

Hummingbird233 · 30/09/2023 19:16

YANBU. Ask him outright. Dad, that's really nice that you're giving my sister £50k. I'm just wondering if I'll receive the same?

If he says no, just ask why. Even if he says "youve already set yourself up", you can reply saying "yes but sister will too even if you don't give her the money. I had no choice but to set myself up. If you only give her money, they will be really unfair and it'll hurt me a lot".

Then, if he still chooses to just give her money, I would seriously be questioning the relationship. I know it's just money, but it's not about the money. It's about the unfairness. Children should always be treated fairly, unless there are extenuating circumstances.

Totalwasteofpaper · 30/09/2023 19:17

Honestly there is not much to be done with this.
It boils down to either:

  • saying it's not fair and you want the equivalent
  • just accepting the situation.

My DH is in your boat and bil has prob been given the same in dribs and drabs (he has a car leased for him, was given a 3-5k watch, has been getting 3k a year paid into a "secret savings account" for at least 5 years... gets business class UK To US flights once a year) you get the picture.
My DH says nothing because his view is it's pointless as his mother will always have some ludicrous justification for why the clear disparity is a-okay.

WelshNerd · 30/09/2023 19:20

Yes that's shit. However your mum has already told him it's unfair and he clearly doesn't care.

I'm not sure you'll gain anything by telling him you're upset about it and I personally wouldn't give him the satisfaction.

strawberryjeans · 30/09/2023 19:22

Going against the grain here but presuming you’ve bought your house and got married I do not see the issue. He might be planning to give you some money for all your DDs and take you all on a lovely holiday, but he’s just not told you about it?

smallshinybutton · 30/09/2023 19:24

Your step set up is a red herring. It would perfectly fine for you to financially help your child and not your step children as long as their shared parent treats them the same.

Your dad might just see that you are set up and have house etc and "don't need help" whereas your sister does.

But that is still shit. As it was your shared nan then if he helps one of you he should really help the other. Even if he gives the youngest more and explains its for the wedding and sorry couldn't help with yours. Just some sort of acknowledgement would go a long way.

Newgirls · 30/09/2023 19:24

Hmmm large money gifts rarely come without strings. In one way he is buying your sisters favour. I wonder if he feels he can’t influence or control you in quite the same way. Because you are in a strong marriage etc. These things are rarely altruistic though and I’m sure he paints himself as the doting dad. But he isn’t and he is not treating you well.

in all this the sad thing would be if it impacts on your relationship with your sister. I really hope it doesn’t

RainCloudsInTheSky · 30/09/2023 19:24

Tell him youve won the lottery and you’ll be gifting your mum a big chunk but not him. See how he is when the shoe is on the other foot.

m I just don’t get why some parents do this. It’s crazy to me.