Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Child favouritism to the tune of 50k

241 replies

FrillyGoatFluff · 30/09/2023 18:54

Please bear with, there’s some background!

I’m mid-30s, married with one daughter (toddler). I live with my DH and two DSDs (no contact with mum, we are entirely responsible 100%, financially and otherwise).

We paid for our house entirely ourselves, no help from family etc, same with our wedding. Have never asked anyone for a penny.

My half sister (dads daughter) is 21. At uni but lives with BF in her uni city. He works, earns well, lovely guy. She’s nearly finished her degree, looking at great grades and has a solid future plan. They’ve been together 3 years, talk of getting engaged when she graduates. I have no other siblings.

My Nan (dads mum) recently passed away, and dad is talking about selling the family home (he, stepmum and Nan lived together in nans house) and buying somewhere smaller. Would free up about £250k (we’re in the south east). Dad and I live in the same village, which he plans to continue living in. Fab.

However, he recently announced that he’s planning to give my sister £50k, to ‘set her up’ for wedding, house deposit etc.

Now, I love my sister, and honestly do want her to have the money for all of the above but I’m REALLY narky that she’s getting a £50k handout, and I’m getting bugger all. I appreciate it’s his cash to do what he wants with, but actually, it’s not even about the money, it’s genuinely not, it’s the fact that I feel totally second best.

For history, mum chucked my dad out when I was two (affair, he then married her, she was a ballache) and was sporadic with child support - both financial, and emotional. Mum bought me up and it was tough, financially, we were up against it. My sister, however, was a two parent family (three really, my Nan was there too), wanted for nothing - dance classes, drama lessons, foreign school trips, uni paid for - financially, she has been well catered for, and had a much easier time of things. Dad seemed to grow up by the time he had her, I was a bit of a learning curve I think, the training daughter almost.

My dad told my mum about his financial plans the other day (they’re arms-length-friends now, for the sake of my daughter) and she pointedly said ‘don’t forget you have two daughters’ and his response was ‘well yes, but I want to set X up’. With one biological daughter of my own and two DSDs, I cannot imagine for one second treating any of them this differently, I can’t see how he can justify it in his head?

Am I being totally ridiculous? Yes, I absolutely DO have my life together (through pure hard work on my and DH’s part!), should i to just let it go and accept my dad is a total fuckwomble??? I really can’t decide if I’m being a drama queen or not, but we live 500yards apart so I can’t avoid the subject forever!

OP posts:
ThatsLifeIGuess · 30/09/2023 20:09

I'd say he'll remember that he gave her this 50k and will share his assets out taking this into account in his will... or maybe will use another opportunity some time to help you? It doesn't sound like a closed book.

Coffeetree · 30/09/2023 20:13

I wouldn't bring up the childhood stuff because, sorry to say, it's often the case that younger siblings get the better deal financially. He'll have a lot of excuses and it'll muddy the waters.

I wouldn't bring up the inheritance stuff either unless you actually know the details.

But definitely bring up the £50k. Ask him first: did you understand right? He's giving £50k to one sister and nothing to the other? Tell him what you said here, that you can't imagine treating your own kids that way and it's really made you feel like second best in the family. If he doesn't seem to understand, take a big step back from this relationship.

gazpachosoupday · 30/09/2023 20:15

I am not usually one for a NC sort of a speech, but with this sort of blatant favouritism, I would look towards the future and think about what would happen if she has children, will yours be shoved to one side and forgotten about?

I dont think this has anything to do with money, but with how you are being treated and in future how your children will be treated

Isthisit22 · 30/09/2023 20:15

WindowsSmindows · 30/09/2023 19:01

You have to calmly tell him that it is clearly unfair and risks driving a wedge between you and your sister and between you and your father.
Because it does.

This is an excellent way of explaining it to him

Hankunamatata · 30/09/2023 20:15

I would be asking dad to give 50k to your child as an investment when they are 18.

MaidOfSteel · 30/09/2023 20:19

Oh no, that's very wrong of your dad. My dad is scrupulously fair to me & my sister. I'm not surprised you feel the way you do, OP.

LindorDoubleChoc · 30/09/2023 20:20

Yanbu OP. I have a similar situation with my father and his second family. It's unbelievable how dense some parents can be.

CapEBarra · 30/09/2023 20:21

Just straight out ask him - Dad, am I getting £50k too, because I could really use it for the grandkids Uni fees.

Onthemaintrunkline · 30/09/2023 20:21

Hi, I don’t think your father could be more hurtful to you if he tried! I could hardly believe his insensitivity, his total lack of awareness or fairness. I’m sorry you are being treated this way. It’s hardly a recipe for any positive ongoing relationship with him.

mommatoone · 30/09/2023 20:25

Bloody hell OP i totally get why your pissed off - this is not on!
Whilst you are 'set up ' so to speak, im sure 50k would go a long way for you and your family. I couldnt keep my gob shut, i would have to say something !.

JudgeRudy · 30/09/2023 20:25

Is it possible your nan had some input in this? Your sister lived with her for all of her life as a child. She'll have a different relationship with her to the one she has with you. Also I'd imagine nan left the house to your dad and step mum. I bet it was your step-up not your dad who was a comfort to your nan in her old age. So maybe 50% of the house is already morally hers.
Have you spoken to him and asked what provision he's made for you? It could be that there's a quarter (or something) to come following his death.

Ridemeginger · 30/09/2023 20:26

Your dad is a shit. Don’t be running around after him and his wife when they (inevitably) need your help.

Original poster
FrillyGoatFluff · 30/09/2023 20:28

To answer some questions:

Pretty sure my sister doesn't know of his plans yet. Although she did text me for advice on premium bonds this week and where she could put a large amount of cash for best/safest results, so possibly does now.

Either way, it's not her fault and I wouldn't blame her if she took it unquestioningly. Houses etc are impossible now, so gift horse's mouth and all that. It's not her issue, and I don't think she'd assume that I'd be left out.

Re whether he'd gift cash to my dd instead, unlikely. He has allocated the £250k. Money runs through his hands like water.

OP posts:
HaveSomeIntrospect · 30/09/2023 20:30

I would ask when you are getting your 50k?
it is money from your nan too after all!

I wouldn’t let him see my child until he treated me like his daughter, an equal to his other daughter. I don’t see why he should get to be a grandfather when he was not a good dad

Loopylambs · 30/09/2023 20:30

What does your sister think? I know two sisters who something similar happened to, the one who inherited gave her sister half . Totally unfair and will cause a lot of bad feeling on the family. Your Grandmother probably trusted him to make better decisions .

43ontherocksporfavor · 30/09/2023 20:35

You need to talk with him about the finances. DH’s dad remarried but had the foresight to leave half of his house to his sons and his father’s money to them also.

Floralnomad · 30/09/2023 20:39

It could be that your sister thinks you are both being given money otherwise it’s pretty stupid of her to be asking you about investments . You need to speak to your dad .

sunlightinthetrees · 30/09/2023 20:42

I’d feel exactly the same as you. If it were £5k I could maybe overlook it but £50k… I can’t believe he thinks that’s ok.

Not sure how you handle it with him though. Sorry OP 😔

OneRedBalloon · 30/09/2023 20:43

That's really rotten, how horrible to watch your 2 siblings be treated so differently.

Rosiem2808 · 30/09/2023 20:44

He should be treating you both equally and you have every right to tell him this OP

hattie43 · 30/09/2023 20:45

I hate it when parents treat children differently, imo you either give to all or none .

Badgerandfox227 · 30/09/2023 20:48

Really not ok, we have similar on both sides of the family in terms of money being given and grandchild favouritism. Even as adults it’s really hurtful, and I think it’s a reminder of how we’ve felt growing up. I can’t ever imagine treating my children that way in terms of love and financial support.
I think I would have to point out the unfairness and ask him to treat you and your sister equally. I think he then didn’t, I would distance myself, to protect from further heartache.

autumnpleasestay · 30/09/2023 20:48

I'd want him to know that he shouldn't rely on me when/if he needs assistance in his old age or infirmity. You can't treat one child as second-best and expect her to see you as a priority when things get tough.

Witchbitch20 · 30/09/2023 20:50

Your Dad is a prick.

Sorry that you have to deal with this shit.

Alwayswildatheart · 30/09/2023 20:51

I'm so sorry OP. This is incredibly unfair.