Child favouritism to the tune of 50k

[FrillyGoatFluff]

Please bear with, there’s some background!

I’m mid-30s, married with one daughter (toddler). I live with my DH and two DSDs (no contact with mum, we are entirely responsible 100%, financially and otherwise).

We paid for our house entirely ourselves, no help from family etc, same with our wedding. Have never asked anyone for a penny.

My half sister (dads daughter) is 21. At uni but lives with BF in her uni city. He works, earns well, lovely guy. She’s nearly finished her degree, looking at great grades and has a solid future plan. They’ve been together 3 years, talk of getting engaged when she graduates. I have no other siblings.

My Nan (dads mum) recently passed away, and dad is talking about selling the family home (he, stepmum and Nan lived together in nans house) and buying somewhere smaller. Would free up about £250k (we’re in the south east). Dad and I live in the same village, which he plans to continue living in. Fab.

However, he recently announced that he’s planning to give my sister £50k, to ‘set her up’ for wedding, house deposit etc.

Now, I love my sister, and honestly do want her to have the money for all of the above but I’m REALLY narky that she’s getting a £50k handout, and I’m getting bugger all. I appreciate it’s his cash to do what he wants with, but actually, it’s not even about the money, it’s genuinely not, it’s the fact that I feel totally second best.

For history, mum chucked my dad out when I was two (affair, he then married her, she was a ballache) and was sporadic with child support - both financial, and emotional. Mum bought me up and it was tough, financially, we were up against it. My sister, however, was a two parent family (three really, my Nan was there too), wanted for nothing - dance classes, drama lessons, foreign school trips, uni paid for - financially, she has been well catered for, and had a much easier time of things. Dad seemed to grow up by the time he had her, I was a bit of a learning curve I think, the training daughter almost.

My dad told my mum about his financial plans the other day (they’re arms-length-friends now, for the sake of my daughter) and she pointedly said ‘don’t forget you have two daughters’ and his response was ‘well yes, but I want to set X up’. With one biological daughter of my own and two DSDs, I cannot imagine for one second treating any of them this differently, I can’t see how he can justify it in his head?

Am I being totally ridiculous? Yes, I absolutely DO have my life together (through pure hard work on my and DH’s part!), should i to just let it go and accept my dad is a total fuckwomble??? I really can’t decide if I’m being a drama queen or not, but we live 500yards apart so I can’t avoid the subject forever!

It has to be equal. We had a bit of money from my dad's bank account, all left to me and gave the same few thousand to each of our four children. Meant a lot financially to ds - he and gf have done some big home improvements - but dd1 and her bf probably earn a good 200k between them. Far more than me! They are all his grandchildren so will all be treated the same.

Yanbu

You can speak to him but it won’t make any difference.

If he wanted to give you anything he would of thought of you in the first place. He didn’t.

He will probably justify it that his mum would of wanted to give her money as she lived with her every day and help raised her.

His wife (your step mum) will understandably be making sure her daughter gets the main benefit of any or all inheritance.

This.

No it’s bullshit and you need to have an honest conversation with him and lay out the points you said here. If it’s inheritance from your nan then why wouldn’t you both get equal? Ask him why your inheritance won’t be the same when she was Nan to you both? He’s a MORON.

Your dad is a complete and utter dick as a father to you.

and you need to tell him that.

Whoa, have you actually spoken to your father or do you just have your Mum's word for this? Is there any possibility that your Mum has got the wrong end of the stick and has jumped to conclusions?
Speak to your Dad see what he says.

Just to echo, it's unfair, not acceptable and he's a massive twat!

Also Op if you get nothing I seriously would cut him out for a bit. Why have him around when he makes you feel like you aren’t valued? This is so spiteful.

My brother is golden child, can do no wrong, has had thousands over the years, I've had none. I am LC with all of them!

I'll not sugar coat this, your dad is a cunt. Personally I would tell him this and outline exactly why then completely cut him out of my life. Do not allow someone who clearly gives no fuck about you to enjoy you & the company of your family.

Presumably when OP's mum reminded him about his other daughter, if he had plans to give her something too, he'd have said so, instead of justifying just giving her sister the money..

My parents have given one of my brothers in excess of £200k (they bought him a house). He's a complete and utter fuck up who lurches from one disaster to another with my mum enabling him every step of the way. I wouldn't want his life but my god it pisses me and my other brother off no end. Particularly when my brother who got the money/house only works when he feels like it and my mum says things like isn't it great he can do this (err give me a house and I'd also be able to stop work). You'll get no end of people on here telling you your dad can do what he likes with his money and you are being grabby to be upset. I doubt anyone who says this has experienced the mess this kind of thing causes in families. I doubt you'll be able to have a rational conversation with your dad about this - people who do this sort of thing won't recognise what they are doing is wrong.

I agree with this and would also go NC with him if he doesn’t alter his plans. Do you want your child to feel a second class citizen like you have your whole life? Because they WILL notice on the golden child has golden grandchildren.

If your Dad can’t treat you as equal daughters then wtf should he get to be around your daughter? He either wants to be a decent Dad and Grandad or he doesn’t.

I think I'd simply say to both him and your sister "she was my Nan too"

TELL HER! Because it’s appalling she was messaging you for advice on money when you’re getting none. And he’s horrible he’s cut your daughter out too. I’d cut him out, the horrible twat!
if she’s putting it in savings she clearly also doesn’t really need it does she and he could be setting your child up for future success too? GET ANGRY OP this man is treating you horribly!

I think you’re being too nice about this OP. I’d be fuming, and I’d be angry with my sister too if she didn’t give you half, once she finds out you’ve received nothing.
I would definitely ask your Dad if he plans to give you £50k too, and if not why not. If he sticks to his plan that I would back away and have a lot less to do with him, because to my mind he’d have made it very clear that you were his second favourite daughter. I’d distance yourself from your sister too.

Do you really think she’s going to turn down 50k? Because her sister isn’t getting the same.

A half sister who she wasn’t brought up with? She may feel bad but I very much doubt she’s going to do anything.

How upsetting OP, I’m sorry. You’ve got nothing to lose by telling him how you feel.

Have you actually discussed this with him yourself? Has he any intention of giving you money later on? I wouldn't jump to conclusions just yet but would talk to him. I was in a similar position and did feel a little put out about the fairness of it. I explained very calmly that, although it was their money, I did feel that it was a bit unfair. In their minds they had thought that what they had proposed was fair because I was in less great need. I didn't feel angry over it, just slightly aggrieved and when I mentioned that and set out why, they saw things from my viewpoint and changed their plans. I'm glad that I broached the issue so that I didn't end up stewing over it.

You have to talk to him, explain your feelings of favouritism and being left out of things (like wills) on what feels like oy on account of you being older and ‘settled’.

tell him, you are only because you’ve had to be and it makes you feel like he sees you as less than his daughter compared to your sister.

because if you don’t, it will fester and drive a wedge between you. If he says it’s harder now due to cost of living for your sister. Remind him, it’s been hard for you your whole life as he wasn’t ass involved.

By the way, it's not favouritism though! Parents don't tend to love one child more than another. They do often (and usually rightly) treat them differently according to their needs which can sometimes return in an injustice.

YANBU

I'm already dreading this when my parents are unfortunately no longer here. My husband and I worked hard to buy a house we could raise our now 2 children in. Permanent jobs (education sector) moved us 300 miles away from family and its been bloody hard mentally, financially and physically. I have 2 sisters (we're all in our late 30s for context) and they've not been as driven to be more independent. One still lives at home and has no inclination to move out, the other lives with her partner and child and my parents have done the bulk of childcare since my sister went back to work as well as driving her to and from work.
They've hinted at giving my sisters a step up and I know a 3-way split wouldn't be enough for a house deposit in the area they live, on their wages they would be able to get a mortgage. I don't begrudge them getting anything but other than an equal split I don't know how else it'd be fair.

I was there when they had the conversation, we were all having coffee together, with DD as well