Child favouritism to the tune of 50k

[FrillyGoatFluff]

Please bear with, there’s some background!

I’m mid-30s, married with one daughter (toddler). I live with my DH and two DSDs (no contact with mum, we are entirely responsible 100%, financially and otherwise).

We paid for our house entirely ourselves, no help from family etc, same with our wedding. Have never asked anyone for a penny.

My half sister (dads daughter) is 21. At uni but lives with BF in her uni city. He works, earns well, lovely guy. She’s nearly finished her degree, looking at great grades and has a solid future plan. They’ve been together 3 years, talk of getting engaged when she graduates. I have no other siblings.

My Nan (dads mum) recently passed away, and dad is talking about selling the family home (he, stepmum and Nan lived together in nans house) and buying somewhere smaller. Would free up about £250k (we’re in the south east). Dad and I live in the same village, which he plans to continue living in. Fab.

However, he recently announced that he’s planning to give my sister £50k, to ‘set her up’ for wedding, house deposit etc.

Now, I love my sister, and honestly do want her to have the money for all of the above but I’m REALLY narky that she’s getting a £50k handout, and I’m getting bugger all. I appreciate it’s his cash to do what he wants with, but actually, it’s not even about the money, it’s genuinely not, it’s the fact that I feel totally second best.

For history, mum chucked my dad out when I was two (affair, he then married her, she was a ballache) and was sporadic with child support - both financial, and emotional. Mum bought me up and it was tough, financially, we were up against it. My sister, however, was a two parent family (three really, my Nan was there too), wanted for nothing - dance classes, drama lessons, foreign school trips, uni paid for - financially, she has been well catered for, and had a much easier time of things. Dad seemed to grow up by the time he had her, I was a bit of a learning curve I think, the training daughter almost.

My dad told my mum about his financial plans the other day (they’re arms-length-friends now, for the sake of my daughter) and she pointedly said ‘don’t forget you have two daughters’ and his response was ‘well yes, but I want to set X up’. With one biological daughter of my own and two DSDs, I cannot imagine for one second treating any of them this differently, I can’t see how he can justify it in his head?

Am I being totally ridiculous? Yes, I absolutely DO have my life together (through pure hard work on my and DH’s part!), should i to just let it go and accept my dad is a total fuckwomble??? I really can’t decide if I’m being a drama queen or not, but we live 500yards apart so I can’t avoid the subject forever!

That's so unfair of your dad Op, but I cant see what you can do about it unfortunately?! Speak to him by all means, but don't get your hopes up that you'll get any sort of satisfactory response. He sounds like a feckless waste of a man IMHO.

@Oldandnonethewiserlol
There is no universal best practices in disposing of your assets other than as you think best Some jurisdictions have laws governing distribution in cases of people who die intestate. In this case the dad is planning to gift his daughter prior to his death so that won't be an issue.

In working class families, parents are often able to do more for younger children simply because their income increases over time and the number of dependent children decreases over time. No one blinks an eye at that situation. How is this any different? The working class dad is finally in a position to do for his youngest that which he was never able to do for his oldest. It is not a matter of favoritism ; it is a matter of placement in line and timing of resource availability.

My cousin has 3 sons ages 32, 29, and 16. He and his wife have done shift work throughout their marriage. They were able to assist their sons with college tuition, but both boys had to work and take out loans to cover the difference.

With 2 dependents college graduates and gainfully employed, he was able to buy the 16 year old a new car for his 16th birthday and will be able to pay his college tuition without the last son having to take out loans. This was not a matter of favoritism. It was a matter of finally being in a position to do for one child that which at the time he ideally would like to have been able to do for all of his children. His older sons are not angry nor do they feel cheated. They realize that they each in turn got however much or little that was in the coffers at the time.

The dad may be thinking that for once, he wants to do all if the things that he was never in a position to do before.

Is that a valid thought for him to have? Who is entitled to say? Is the OP's thought valid ? Who has a right to say?
These 2 people should communicate their feelings to each other (not through intermediaries ) and see if they can reach an understanding.

The only absolute truth in this situation is that neither of these parties contribute any resources towards the payment of grandma's house and as such should not really have expected to benefit in anyway.

I haven't rtft but I wonder if the 50k is coming out of her inheritance. For example, if Dad leaves his money to you two girls equally, his Will may state that your dsd has already had 50k. If he predeceases DSM, which is likely, he may still leave half his assets to you on her death.

I'm in a similar situation. It's made me confused really as I'm the child who looks after my parent & always checks in on them etc but the shitty sibling gets the hand outs but mine will come when I inherit. Presuming there is something to inherit. I think it's because I'm stable financially & with my relationship so they don't think I need the money & im not desperate for it but it's more about being treated unfairly that upsets me.
I think more than anything it just makes me feel a bit sad.
I don't know the answer. In my case I'm
not going to do anything because I don't want to upset my parent but it doesn't sit right with me & I would never do that to my kids.

Dreadful behaviour by Dad.

Ask your sister for justice.

If she refuses, it's time to go scorched earth and ditch them all.

It's times like this where people show their true colours.

YANBU!!

if your sister is a decent person she will ask your Dad to make things right or give you half of the bequest
However, if your sister is a shit like mine was when I had a similar situation she will just say “it’s mine”.

your Dad sounds horrible. Your sister should bear your feelings in mind. I would tell them both how you feel!

@hby9628
If your parents loved you, cared for you as a child, and helped in every way possible to prepare you to become a productive, self sufficient adult, what else do they owe you or any of your siblings? There assets should be theirs to dispose of as they see fit. They worked to earn whatever, and they should be free to leave it all to 1 child or to the local animal shelter if they so choose.

If you are caring for them out of love and concern, that is as it should be. If you are doing out of a desire to get "best child " place in the inheritance pool that is unfortunate.

That is so not the point!!

Another one spectacularly missing the point!!

That’s a horrible thing for your father to do and awful that he can’t see how bad it is.

DBIL has just sent me a vid of dad, stepmum and sis scattering Nan's ashes.

Dad earlier updated me with a text saying they'd all arrived and were drinking wine overlooking the harbour.

I know I am probably just being pissy now, and they're prob doing it to be nice and involve me, but the running commentary is winding me up!

I also agree with this approach. Be clear and calm.

If you don’t start the conversation you will hold it within you and it will eat away at you and your relationships. I’m sorry OP, I would feel exactly the same. And I agree it’s not always about the money/value. Best of luck

I think I'd ask him casually like "did you decide about the £50k?" and if he says yes, have an answer ready like "well that's a weight off my shoulders with the girls driving lessons coming up. Even add in you'd love for your girls to have dance lessons like your sister did because you always felt like you missed out 🙊🤷🏻‍♀️😆

Gosh I could have written this too. Wasn’t my parents but my MIL. Sold a BTL property and gave the proceeds to my husband’s brother for deposit on place of his own and my husband got zero. Same sentiment - my husband already owned a house, had a good job etc whereas my BIL dropped out of school and never really had a stable career. Sadly, on confrontation my MIL didn’t understand what she had done wrong. This was five years ago and I’ll never forget what she did.

My mum saw this with my dad’s siblings - the ones that were total screw ups got the additional financial support, so she coined the phrase “he who f*cks up the most, gets the most”. Makes you wonder whether in some families it’s worth working hard if you constantly get bailed out by bank of mum and dad….

I would be sorely tempted to reply “She was my Nan too. I would have liked to have been there, or at least have been invited, but I suppose I’ve always been a bit of an afterthought to you.”

I’m so sorry you’re having to experience this.

Totally understand this.

We've worked hard, paid off the mortgage, provided both of our sons with the down payments on their homes.

My Mother, well, let's see. When my Dad died he told her he wanted the house sold and the money split between the grandchildren. The house was joint title so went automatically to her.

Flash forward 20 years. She has given my brother a brand new car, $45K and bought him a motor home (roughly $100K). I usually get a gift card to a department store for less than $50.

Her rationale? I have a good job and my house is paid off.

Just last month she gave each of our sons $20K as gift. Very generous of her and my sons sent thank yous.

She's done very well on the real estate market when she has sold homes after Dad died. He left her $250K in life insurance and a house worth $750K. She sold that bought for cash for $450K, sold it and had a spare $200K left. Motor home, some house improvements, an gifts to our sons.

I just think it sucks. Life isn't fair. I've accepted that. Basically she is leaving me my brother in her will and I do resent that. He's got a trade but doesn't work. He says he's been retired since he was 58, he's 62 now. I'm 64 and still working, mainly because I still enjoy it most days. She's made me Executor of her will so basically, I have to be the bad guy and deal with the house sale when she dies.

@Cgar2018
Why isn't your success reward enough? Why does the success or failure of adult children create an obligation for parents in the distribution of their assets? Why do parents lose the ability to dispose of their assets as they so choose in order to satisfy some notion of equity or parity among their offspring? None of the offspring did anything to generate or create the assets in question, so in reality they are all equally undeserving. Parents might be better off giving their resources to the local animal shelter. Rarely do you see ungrateful or grasping pets, but ungrateful, entitled children seem to come in droves.

Important to admit if challenged. My parents refused to admit. When they finally did. They then cut me and grandchildren off (second time, first time during COVID and recent cancer, so there is history). Caused rift with my sib, as I kept(my fault I am terrier like) giving examples of when sib did wrong things. In hope parents would acknowledge 50/50 to blame. They would not he has cut off my family as well, may be other reasons but I am not in their shoes. So advice is no matter how unfair just walk and learn and do complete opposite. BW

Ask Yr dad if he's going to do the same for u. Then just sit and watch him squirm his way out of it.

Your dad is a dick

In working class families, parents are often able to do more for younger children simply because their income increases over time and the number of dependent children decreases over time.

So as a parent's access to money changes over time, they should still help all dc equally. If they have £30k available and 3 dc, they should help all dc with £10k, not just throw all £30k at the youngest.
Older kids may not be financially dependent, but they will be saving for things like houses, cars, weddings, and their own dc.

Why do parents lose the ability to dispose of their assets as they so choose in order to satisfy some notion of equity or parity among their offspring?

Because they are supposed to love their kids equally and want to help all of them, not just the golden child.

@AndWordsWhen
What does disposition of money have to do with love? Loving your children all the same has nothing to do with giving them all the same amount of money Giving of money is a financial transaction and in no way quantifies how much or how little you love your children. Some of your children may need a great deal of financial assistance and yet may be totally inept in managing finances, other may be skilled in managing finances and yet nor need any financial assistance. In this case you might decide to give all of your money to the local charity. Would that action demonstrate that you loved all of your children equally? I doubt any of the children would end up feeling loved equally , and yet they would have been treated equally.

Mari9999 - feel free to make your own decisions about the 'disposition' of your money. I'm sure you know best.

In the mean time, back in the real world, when a parent hands out lots of money to one child because in their view the child needs it, while not offering their other children the same support it rarely ends well. The child who is ' good' with money is penalised for being careful. The child who is bad with money and repeatedly relies on the bank of mum and dad to bail them out usually faces resentment from their siblings. Families fall apart because of this.

But you sit on your perch, deciding from on high which of your children are entitled to your 'dispositions' if you like. It'll come back round to bite you in the arse soon enough.