Child favouritism to the tune of 50k

[FrillyGoatFluff]

Please bear with, there’s some background!

I’m mid-30s, married with one daughter (toddler). I live with my DH and two DSDs (no contact with mum, we are entirely responsible 100%, financially and otherwise).

We paid for our house entirely ourselves, no help from family etc, same with our wedding. Have never asked anyone for a penny.

My half sister (dads daughter) is 21. At uni but lives with BF in her uni city. He works, earns well, lovely guy. She’s nearly finished her degree, looking at great grades and has a solid future plan. They’ve been together 3 years, talk of getting engaged when she graduates. I have no other siblings.

My Nan (dads mum) recently passed away, and dad is talking about selling the family home (he, stepmum and Nan lived together in nans house) and buying somewhere smaller. Would free up about £250k (we’re in the south east). Dad and I live in the same village, which he plans to continue living in. Fab.

However, he recently announced that he’s planning to give my sister £50k, to ‘set her up’ for wedding, house deposit etc.

Now, I love my sister, and honestly do want her to have the money for all of the above but I’m REALLY narky that she’s getting a £50k handout, and I’m getting bugger all. I appreciate it’s his cash to do what he wants with, but actually, it’s not even about the money, it’s genuinely not, it’s the fact that I feel totally second best.

For history, mum chucked my dad out when I was two (affair, he then married her, she was a ballache) and was sporadic with child support - both financial, and emotional. Mum bought me up and it was tough, financially, we were up against it. My sister, however, was a two parent family (three really, my Nan was there too), wanted for nothing - dance classes, drama lessons, foreign school trips, uni paid for - financially, she has been well catered for, and had a much easier time of things. Dad seemed to grow up by the time he had her, I was a bit of a learning curve I think, the training daughter almost.

My dad told my mum about his financial plans the other day (they’re arms-length-friends now, for the sake of my daughter) and she pointedly said ‘don’t forget you have two daughters’ and his response was ‘well yes, but I want to set X up’. With one biological daughter of my own and two DSDs, I cannot imagine for one second treating any of them this differently, I can’t see how he can justify it in his head?

Am I being totally ridiculous? Yes, I absolutely DO have my life together (through pure hard work on my and DH’s part!), should i to just let it go and accept my dad is a total fuckwomble??? I really can’t decide if I’m being a drama queen or not, but we live 500yards apart so I can’t avoid the subject forever!

This. If he still gives your sister £50k and not you I'd go NC with him.

Don’t sit in silence OP it will eat away at you. Tell your dad how you feel! It’s so so unfair .

Sorry and off topic but that is absolutely not fair enough at all? These step situations royalling piss me off. Your dad has two children but someone she gets all of your dad's inheritance? Stupidly unfair.

The best thing would be if your sister sat down with him and explained all this - highlighting how unfair it is that only she would benefit from the amount your Nan's house has increased in price, and not both of her Grand daughters.

However, if she won't, then you need to speak up now.
That is clearly unfair.
He might not change his mind, or he might. If he does - great. If he doesn't, at least he has been told how unfair this is.
Otherwise you will just have this simmering resentment forever.

I also think that your sister needs to know, even though not instigated by her.

I would speak to your dad yourself and explain how you feel.

It is really shitty of him.

Favouritism is horrible and so unfair op. It happened to my cousin. As if it isn't galling enough her half sister says it's because she's Daddy's princess. She's in her 40's! Also unsurprisingly she's not a very nice person.
Be proud of what you and your family have achieved by yourself and at least you have your mum who is on your side.

What was your relationship with your nan like? You say your step sibling lived with your nan - do you think your dad sees them as being more "deserving" of your nan's money because she lived in her house?

It’s awful and totally unfair.
Im in a similar situation, my mum gifted my sister in law 25k from a house …. Sister in law so not even biological… to make sure she had good provision for my niece (her favourite grandchild) she’s closer as they live round the corner and mine live far away so haven’t bonded the same .
I wasn’t gifted anything from the house sale and it leaves a bitter taste (although my mum has done lots of lovely things for me)
she’s also considering splitting her will and leaving joint to my sister in law ! I’ve told her that hurts as she regards her the same as her actual biological daughter but it is what it is, she’s know me and my husband are pretty well set up in lives from our own hard work.
my sister in law married my deadbeat brother and I think she’s trying to compensate for him !!

OP that is rubbish I definitely think you should make it known it’s not fair

I’m sorry you have experienced this.

do you want to maintain a relationship with your dad h set these circumstances? I don’t think I could.

could you right him a goodbye letter - explain you have felt rejected by him all your life and this is the final proof that he clearly doesn’t love you?

When your half sister has children the favouritism between the grandchildren will also be obvious. I would fit him out now.

It is tricky because you have no idea what your dad plans longer term. My parents bought my ex sister in law out of younger brothers house so he could stay there when they divorced. Life was hard for him and none of us resented this at the time but it niggled a bit. A few years later they downsized massively and gave the rest of us a similar amount of money to even things up. We had not expected this but I was very glad that none of us had complained originally.

I've had similar comments from my dad towards my sister and it's frustrated me too. I don't think it's favouritism in his case. Just that me and DH don't need as much financial help (after loads of hard work and good decisions+ luck).

I do see my dad's point, he always describes it as he worries about her more than me. She doesn't have a partner, doesn't seem to have got on as well as me etc. And life obviously is harder if you're single. She hasn't made and poor financial choices though.

So whilst it's frustrates and annoys me that he may one day give her a large sum of money. I reckon I'll be ok with it more or less. But that definitely is only because I don't feel like he shows any obvious favouritism in general. I think that could be what's at play here? On paper you got a really raw deal and are continuing to get that. I suspect some acknowledgement of that would go some way to stop you feeling this way.

I would tell your father exactly how you feel.
Sadly I have seen this before. The ‘new’ family get everything, they are the favourites. If he goes through with it I would cut contact. He had made it clear you don’t matter.

I think you should tell your Dad that his plans completely overlook that you are just as much his daughter and just as much Nan's granddaughter and you feel like you just don't count when your half-sister has always received more than you both as a child and an adult.

It’s appalling, OP. You are not being dramatic. If anything he should be making sure it’s fair to make up for the uneven opportunities you were brought up with. What a wanker.

Tell him how you feel OP. I too would be very upset.

I’d be pissed off too. When it comes to money each sibling should be treated equally.

It’s very hard because it’s still his money and he doesn’t have to give it to anyone. Which may be why he’s being hard cheese about it.

I completely understand why you feel like that and I would feel the same. To make matters worse it might make your sister feel awkward as well.

You need to talk to him.

Ask him to go for a walk with you (and DC:? Is your DC still in a buggy? (Fewer distractions) )
I find walking side by side makes difficult conversations easier.

Yanbu at all. That is a really horrible thing to do especially if it was pointed out to him

That’s unfair I agree

Does your sister know his plans?

From a different point of view we've have done far more for our daughter 20s than my step daughter 30s as she's set up in life now. We're financial in a lot better position now than we were 15 years ago, but our will is 50/50 to each daughter. Your Dad is being very unfair, I know if I had 50k, it would be 25k to each daughter. I hope the situation is resolved soon for you.

I would have a candid conversation with him. Including your childhood, the likelihood you won't inherit, the disparity. Calmly and in a measured way. Don't tell him what you think he should do, ask him, "with all that in mind, what's your solution to how I feel?".

I suspect he actually is as much of a twat as he seems. I would factor that into how much care and contact you give him as he ages.

Whilst not equal, it does seem like the equatable thing to do as her need is currently greater than yours. I know it must feel shit though. I suppose what would he have done if he had come into the money 15 years ago? Your need would have been much greater then.