Child favouritism to the tune of 50k

[FrillyGoatFluff]

Please bear with, there’s some background!

I’m mid-30s, married with one daughter (toddler). I live with my DH and two DSDs (no contact with mum, we are entirely responsible 100%, financially and otherwise).

We paid for our house entirely ourselves, no help from family etc, same with our wedding. Have never asked anyone for a penny.

My half sister (dads daughter) is 21. At uni but lives with BF in her uni city. He works, earns well, lovely guy. She’s nearly finished her degree, looking at great grades and has a solid future plan. They’ve been together 3 years, talk of getting engaged when she graduates. I have no other siblings.

My Nan (dads mum) recently passed away, and dad is talking about selling the family home (he, stepmum and Nan lived together in nans house) and buying somewhere smaller. Would free up about £250k (we’re in the south east). Dad and I live in the same village, which he plans to continue living in. Fab.

However, he recently announced that he’s planning to give my sister £50k, to ‘set her up’ for wedding, house deposit etc.

Now, I love my sister, and honestly do want her to have the money for all of the above but I’m REALLY narky that she’s getting a £50k handout, and I’m getting bugger all. I appreciate it’s his cash to do what he wants with, but actually, it’s not even about the money, it’s genuinely not, it’s the fact that I feel totally second best.

For history, mum chucked my dad out when I was two (affair, he then married her, she was a ballache) and was sporadic with child support - both financial, and emotional. Mum bought me up and it was tough, financially, we were up against it. My sister, however, was a two parent family (three really, my Nan was there too), wanted for nothing - dance classes, drama lessons, foreign school trips, uni paid for - financially, she has been well catered for, and had a much easier time of things. Dad seemed to grow up by the time he had her, I was a bit of a learning curve I think, the training daughter almost.

My dad told my mum about his financial plans the other day (they’re arms-length-friends now, for the sake of my daughter) and she pointedly said ‘don’t forget you have two daughters’ and his response was ‘well yes, but I want to set X up’. With one biological daughter of my own and two DSDs, I cannot imagine for one second treating any of them this differently, I can’t see how he can justify it in his head?

Am I being totally ridiculous? Yes, I absolutely DO have my life together (through pure hard work on my and DH’s part!), should i to just let it go and accept my dad is a total fuckwomble??? I really can’t decide if I’m being a drama queen or not, but we live 500yards apart so I can’t avoid the subject forever!

@JANEY205
I'm not suggesting that OP be happy about the situation. I am suggesting that she make her peace with a situation over which she has no control.

Would you suggest that she nurture anger over a situation where she has no control and no real entitlement? How will that make her life any better?

Mean

That's awful, you have every right to be upset.

So interested in the thoughts on this thread. I agree that it’s not really about the money. My youngest brother has made some monumental fuck ups over the years and my parents have bailed him out time and again. He is a bit older now, and seems to have got his life back on track somewhat. My parents recently gave him a substantial house deposit.

We aren’t especially close, but I really feel nothing but relief that he has had their help over the years, and that they’ve helped him out again. I’ve never had financial help from my family, but I also went to uni when fees were means tested (so basically free as my parents earned nothing back then - my brother didn’t go to uni due to cost), and I’ve been fortunate enough not to have suffered significantly with my mental health.

My brother has had a stream of different jobs and I believe he has always felt less-than. He has had health issues I’ve never needed to contend with. He has also always lived beyond his means because he feels ashamed and buries his head in the sand. All this to say: if my parents feel like he needs more money, that’s their decision and I do think that equitable and equal aren’t always the same thing, especially between siblings with a substantial age gap. I am one of five, and I believe my other siblings feel the same way about our parents’ decision: proud to be financially independent and sad that our brother has had to lean on our parents so significantly, partly due to frivolous spending and partly due to the hand he was dealt.

I do feel like we were never treated unequally in terms of care, love and affection though, and I think this is the key thing. The money given to your sister sounds like it is indicative of a larger imbalance of how you’ve been treated which needs addressing.

Someone (your mum, perhaps) needs to tell him that he's not only jeopardising his relationship with you but potentially causing future conflict between you and your sister. He is being an idiot.

You were raised in an environment of no support. Your dad did not do his share and your mum struggled. You absorbed all that. You never asked for help.

Your sister is raised in an environment of support - dad behaving, mum supported and even granny chipping in. She can ask for/accept support.

It may be time for you to recallibrate.

Go to dad - say you know there is a spare 50k going. That is great news because you assume it will be shared bewteen you and sister. Could not have come at a better time because you have XXXX that needs attending to.

Tell him that you are happy to accept his help, and happy that he can finally help.

Go to him as an equal to your sister. Go to him assuming the best of him.

See what happens.

I haven’t RTFT but if I was your sister I would say something to father because this just isn’t fair. I think you are behaving with real dignity. Some people would fly off the handle. I am glad that you are not doing that. Maintain your calm but have a chat to him, tell him how you feel. What an idiot he is. I hope that he sees sense and that things get resolved in your favour.

I believe you when you say that that this isn’t really about the money because I have a similar experience and know where you are coming from.

Does your mum have other children or are you likely to inherit 100% of her assets? Is that maybe part of his thinking?

That really is shit.
If he doesn’t reconsider then you know where you stand and you help neither him nor step mum in the future with any care or anything

However, he recently announced that he’s planning to give my sister £50k, to ‘set her up’ for wedding, house deposit etc.

You're married and have paid off your house. I don’t think in these circumstances I would begrudge my sibling. At 21 your sister needs the help. Do you need help? It’s your dad’s money to do what he wants with.

My dad cashed in his pension early, he has a wife who I get on absolutley fine with, they have 3 kids together, so money was understandably used for them being his kids, he gave my brother like 5k for a car, and also just gifted him a different car. I’ve had nothing. Now I don’t need anything off of him, my mum went mental though, not at him as they don’t really talk. She was super pissed. I am a little miffed not that I didn’t get money but that he gave my brother the money straight out, bearing in mind my brother has a better paying job, he earns 2x more than me, he hardly ever visits him or our siblings, doesn’t bother with birthday, Christmas etc, where as I do.

That's horrible Bartlebum, you deserve much better. I know it doesn't' help, but it's him not you. It a real shame your sisters don't see what he's done

I have a biological sister.
My mum and dad divorced when we were small.
My dad remarried, she already had a son, then they had a son together when I was 11.
I would go absolutely utterly BALLISTIC if my half and step brother were given 50k each of my Nanas money and my sister and I were given nothing.

I'm only child on mums side. I think that probably is a part of it, but... and this will sound awful, not really my fault?

So yes, I will inherit from mum, but I am also the sole person responsible for her and stepdad with regards to old age care etc, and, realistically likely to be for dad and stepmum too, given that my sister is 3 hours away (and daft as a brush 😂)

If mum and stepdads family histories are anything to go by care costs will be in their future, so money wise, most of it'll be heading there. I'm not going to able to care for four of them alone without professional help.

House is very much not paid off, still got a big mortgage!

@Mindovermatter247
Is it possible that your brother asked for the money and your dad was pleased for once to be in a position to help?

Working class parents are often in a position to do more for younger children, not because of favoritism, but became of income increases over time and having fewer children in the home.

I'm jealous on your behalf!! Honestly, I'd ask him directly if you're not his biological daughter, because I can see no other reason for this treatment....

Not your problem. Make it clear to your Dad too - the daughter he gives money to is the one who should be the carer (and also the one whose children he should bank on seeing regularly). Cut him off. Encourage your dd not to call him grandpa as he isn’t. He’s a pig.

Sorry OP but your dad sounds awful. Not someone I would want in mine or my children’s lives. It’s absolutely not about the money, but about the principle of his second daughter being “worthy” of his inheritance while you and grandkids are left out. I’m so sorry you have to deal with this. 😞

I agree. You should tell him what you said in your OP, that you went without a lot growing up, your sister has been far more advantaged, and while you can forgive and understand that to a certain extent, you really couldn’t forgive him playing favourites with your joint Grandmother’s money . It is a horrible thing to do OP. He needs some home truths about his slack parenting when you were growing up.

It does sound unfair, but unfortunately it dosent sound like he sees this

What do you think his response would be if you mentioned this to him?

My father had another family and I only had sporadic contact with him over the years. Whenever we spoke, which was mainly by phone, i couldn't bring myself to call him dad, father, or even his name.

That is how much I resented him not being in or interested in my life.

Your father started a new family, and basically cut you adrift. Someone mentioned about the fact that he reared your sister explains how he favours her, and that is to be expected. That view just enrages me no end.

OP you have mentioned about possibly caring for your mum and step dad and your dad and step mum. Why are you even considering that about your father and stepmother, after he has showed you he doesn't care about you? Just why?

You need to back off from him, just as he did to you when you most needed him when you were younger.

Karma needs to bite him on the bum, when he needs help in later years. Your sister can deal with him. If needed just move away, so he gets the message not to come calling.

I think he's probably change the subject very quickly, or parrot out the same line about wanting to get little sis sorted.

He changed the subject when my mum challenged him (and she's much blunter than me!) and that was firmly the end of the conversation.

My mum is livid. She has a letter from him sent via his solicitor when I was about 15, saying he couldn't pay maintenance or repay X amount that was owed because 'as she well knows he has a family to support'. She's going on about delivering him a copy of the letter, saying 'I'll call in this debt now thanks' 😬 she's far more ballsy than I am!

I'm sorry that's very hurtful.

Maybe let your balsy mother handle it then and stay out of it, she sounds enraged by it all and quite rightly so!
If she can’t convince him to do the right thing, I doubt you would be able to convince him either
Its going to be difficult if he has already promised the money to your sister though and then has to go back on his promise, could your sister potentially fall out with you over this or would she understand