Child favouritism to the tune of 50k

[FrillyGoatFluff]

Please bear with, there’s some background!

I’m mid-30s, married with one daughter (toddler). I live with my DH and two DSDs (no contact with mum, we are entirely responsible 100%, financially and otherwise).

We paid for our house entirely ourselves, no help from family etc, same with our wedding. Have never asked anyone for a penny.

My half sister (dads daughter) is 21. At uni but lives with BF in her uni city. He works, earns well, lovely guy. She’s nearly finished her degree, looking at great grades and has a solid future plan. They’ve been together 3 years, talk of getting engaged when she graduates. I have no other siblings.

My Nan (dads mum) recently passed away, and dad is talking about selling the family home (he, stepmum and Nan lived together in nans house) and buying somewhere smaller. Would free up about £250k (we’re in the south east). Dad and I live in the same village, which he plans to continue living in. Fab.

However, he recently announced that he’s planning to give my sister £50k, to ‘set her up’ for wedding, house deposit etc.

Now, I love my sister, and honestly do want her to have the money for all of the above but I’m REALLY narky that she’s getting a £50k handout, and I’m getting bugger all. I appreciate it’s his cash to do what he wants with, but actually, it’s not even about the money, it’s genuinely not, it’s the fact that I feel totally second best.

For history, mum chucked my dad out when I was two (affair, he then married her, she was a ballache) and was sporadic with child support - both financial, and emotional. Mum bought me up and it was tough, financially, we were up against it. My sister, however, was a two parent family (three really, my Nan was there too), wanted for nothing - dance classes, drama lessons, foreign school trips, uni paid for - financially, she has been well catered for, and had a much easier time of things. Dad seemed to grow up by the time he had her, I was a bit of a learning curve I think, the training daughter almost.

My dad told my mum about his financial plans the other day (they’re arms-length-friends now, for the sake of my daughter) and she pointedly said ‘don’t forget you have two daughters’ and his response was ‘well yes, but I want to set X up’. With one biological daughter of my own and two DSDs, I cannot imagine for one second treating any of them this differently, I can’t see how he can justify it in his head?

Am I being totally ridiculous? Yes, I absolutely DO have my life together (through pure hard work on my and DH’s part!), should i to just let it go and accept my dad is a total fuckwomble??? I really can’t decide if I’m being a drama queen or not, but we live 500yards apart so I can’t avoid the subject forever!

I would talk to him. It is grossly unfair that she had school paid for, and now will have money for a down payment, wedding, and all the advantages you didn't have growing up. That's 3 big ticket items. I do think you should also talk about what your nana would have wanted too, and following her wishes. If it doesn't go well talk to your sister.

You should have half of the 50K, if not a separate chunk. I'd actually give you more, to make up for the discrepancy. That being said, I don't think parents always have to spend equally, my BIL needed a lot more support from his Mom, but it sounds like your sister is very capable.

@FrillyGoatFluff has he actually said "I'm giving other daughter 50k and you absolutely fuck all!"?? That she's the only recipient?

She's the only recipient. He wants to help set her up. The other 200 is allocated for renovations, holidays and early retirement for stepmum

Agreed

happened to me too when my parents separated in their 70's.
Not massively close to either of them for many reasons but when it happened, my Dad had squirrelled away a LOT of money hidden from my mum, ended up gifting 20k to my younger brother & 50k to my nephew, again similar reasoning (he's been bankrupt twice, my nephews was getting married etc) & I'm apparently sorted.
We had a huge row, he said I didn't deserve or need the money as I had my own business & didn't have children.
3 years later we have no contact and I'm still annoyed when I think about it.

You're entitled to be really angry, it's hurtful behaviour.

Given how close you live I wonder if he doesn’t want to give you anything as you might take the money and move and then you couldn’t care for him.
Is your SM and him splitting up or is there a possibility that this could happen in the future.

CUT HIM OUT. Stop playing happy families with a dad who doesn’t actually care about you and your daughter. Otherwise when golden child has kids your daughter will feel this way too. Do you think that’s ok? It really isn’t. If you won’t stick up for yourself do it for her! How the duck did he casually say that to you and nobody called him out?!

Your Dad sounds horrible and is being a complete let down to you. Why can't his precious younger daughter be given the chance to work hard and earn her own house the way you had too? I know times are tough at the moment but she sounds smart and she has a partner so why can't your Dad let her go and be independent? Either that or why not split the 50k with you so it's fair! You are also his child I find it truly awful reading all of the stories on here about people who's parents very obviously favoured their siblings. There is zero excuse!! My gran clearly favours my aunty over my mum even though she says she doesn't it's obvious. I hope you find the courage to have an open and honest conversation with your Dad about how your feeling because the way you feel is valid.

Dad, I am feeling very hurt that you are setting up X, but helping me has never entered your thought. A parents shouldn’t have favourites. She was my nan too.
i need a break from you because you are hurting me. Please don’t contact me or DC, you have shown that you have a favourite, you haven’t wasted a thought on how much that hurt me, even after mum pointed this out to you.

Perfect!! I’d send this and be done with him.

Shit dads rarely have problems justifying their shitty behaviour, it’s a gift.

That's so tough and I am in such a similar situation, I'm glad I'm not alone. My Dad forgot about me once he had my two sisters, convinced me not to go to uni (so he didn't have to pay child support), then fully funded both of them and their next steps. I have struggled to get to where I am now, which is a good place, but I am 12 plus years older than my sisters so it's not surprising. His house is full of photos of my sisters, not one of me. He took them on multiple holidays a year, plus now an annual three week trip to Disneyland even though they are in their twenties. My Dad didn't even come to my wedding as he doesn't get on with my mum. My sister is on the cusp of getting engaged and I am wondering how I will cope when I see she has someone to give her away and make a speech about her. I am full of dread.

I want them to have everything they have been given and more. But I wanted it for me too. It's not fair or equal and I know I am not valued. And they don't realize or see it. They really don't.

With my dad's age, much older than my stepmum, I know my sisters will have it all. Again it's not about money, not at all. It's just the dread of seeing it in writing one day that I don't count.

I have grieved for him since the day he left me and I know it will keep hitting in different ways as I go through life.

Both of our dad's are totally wrong and their actions will have a lasting impact on us. But what can you do? I stopped talking to him for 10 years and I never felt better for it. I just try not to think about it as much as possible. I hope you have a better approach and perhaps a conversation to make him see what he is doing to you.

I’d be hurt too, op. It’s not the money, it’s what it represents.

Your house is paid off. So he probably thinks you don't need a hand out. I kind of agree with him.

@FrillyGoatFluff
Anger over the disposition of money thaYt is not yours only hurts you. If you do not let this go, it will eat at you and not at anyone else.

Your dad, for whatever reason, has probably convinced himself that this the right thing to do. It may even have been something that his mom suggested. If you were married and settled, it may just have been a way of providing for the younger child who is still in school.

As painful as it may be to see him taking a fatherly interest in the child that he actually reared, you are not missing anything that you had any real reason to expect. You will only hurt yourself by nurturing your anger. You would not be at all angry if he had spent all of the money on his new property or other items for himself.

Be grateful that you were able to provide for yourself, that is a blessing. You should not feel cheated because your ability to provide came through your own efforts. That is something for which you should be proud.

You can share your feelings with your dad, but then what are you expecting him to do about those feelings?

@Bartlebum you may feel better if you fully fit him off and your relatives linked to him. Otherwise it’s just salt in a wound. are you not invited on the 3 week disney trip? He didn’t come to your wedding? I’d be done with the loser! What does he actually bring to your life?!

I would be honest with your dad and say exactly what you've said here, that you feel hurt that he's making a difference between you both and you can't imagine treating your girls differently. I wouldn't say you want the money etc just that you know what he's planning and you're extremely hurt by his lack of consideration for you.

This is outrageous! Her dad is a prick and needs telling. Of course she should expect and DESERVES a Dad who treated her how he treats his other child. You may be happy with people treating you like shite compared to others but don’t suggest OP needs to join in.

Most families (not mine actually) have examples like this, I know several people often the eldest who seem to be treated very unfavourably in life and death to younger sibling(s) even with step situations being involved. Certainly in dp's family there's a of disparity though you have to just let it go, more to life than money and we have enough

You have to address it, you can’t just ignore the fact your dad has essentially cut you out of ANY of his family money. SM will undoubtedly outlive him and all hers will go to SS.

Yes yes people can do what they want with their money but this is next level unbelievable.

if we were talking a small gift of a few grand you could let it go but 50k? That’s a huge sum.

I would address this, just you and him, no one else there and simply say “I am really struggling to understand how you’ve rationalised this in your head, so I need you to explain your rationale because at the moment I am feeling extremely hurt and confused”

listen to what he has to say and then make a decision if this is something you can accept or if it is going to change your relationship permanently

@JANEY205 that's a fair question. And one I ask myself a lot. He was a perfect dad to me for six years. Then he left and started again. I did have counseling for it and she said he wasn't a good dad in the first place. But I feel incomplete without him. And thanks to building the bridge back I have a relationship with one of my sisters that is really close. She comes to see me all the time and helps with the children etc. I'm glad of that. And I know she can't see the injustice as it's just how it's always been. It might not be something you question when you're in your 20s.

I see my dad for the kids birthdays and Xmas, so not too much. He leaves and I don't feel torn apart inside and I don't break down in uncontrollable tears like I used to when I said goodbye to him. It's some kind of progress.

I think the people unsupportive of the OP don't understand..it's really not about money, not at all. It's just that's the only tangible thing, the only thing in black and white that proves you aren't important.

You need to tell him how you feel, even if it's by text or email. I'm sure your nan would have wanted you to have money too.
If he doesn't agree then I would tell him not to contact you again.
I may have missed this but did your nan leave a will? Could it be challenged through a solicitor?
I would be extremely angry at this too, unfortunately your dad has shown his true colours.

IME (of my father, lol) men can be idiots about this sort of thing. Your father sees you all set up and OK, and because you grew up out of his sight, he didn’t see you struggling and grafting. He thinks “Oh @FrillyGoatFluff is fine. It’s baby half-sister who needs my money.”

He doesn’t think, I love them both, I should give them both a nice present.

They do this with wills as well. It’s carelessness and self-centredness. Good for your mother in reminding him - hopefully she’ll keep on reminding him

Also, me and my siblings find that if we are absolutely straight with our father, he will think twice. But he doesn’t take hints - we have to be quite direct, and appeal to his sense of being the wealthy head of the family ( he is) but wanting everyone to like him. So we present money stuff in a very matter of fact way, about family and his money helping his grandchildren. He likes to be the rich patriarch…

YANBU

I would hope that he meant he’s giving her £50k to set her up (because she’s not got a house etc yet) but is also giving you £50k to spend on what you want.

I would need to speak to him directly and ask if you’re getting the same as sister and if not why not.
Tell him it’s not fair to have favourites and even if you have you don’t blatantly make it obvious.

I would then tell this to your sister and ask her to have a word.
If she’s the favourite then he might listen to her more.

Bloody hell. I was hoping I'd misunderstood. I'm sorry.