Child favouritism to the tune of 50k

[FrillyGoatFluff]

Please bear with, there’s some background!

I’m mid-30s, married with one daughter (toddler). I live with my DH and two DSDs (no contact with mum, we are entirely responsible 100%, financially and otherwise).

We paid for our house entirely ourselves, no help from family etc, same with our wedding. Have never asked anyone for a penny.

My half sister (dads daughter) is 21. At uni but lives with BF in her uni city. He works, earns well, lovely guy. She’s nearly finished her degree, looking at great grades and has a solid future plan. They’ve been together 3 years, talk of getting engaged when she graduates. I have no other siblings.

My Nan (dads mum) recently passed away, and dad is talking about selling the family home (he, stepmum and Nan lived together in nans house) and buying somewhere smaller. Would free up about £250k (we’re in the south east). Dad and I live in the same village, which he plans to continue living in. Fab.

However, he recently announced that he’s planning to give my sister £50k, to ‘set her up’ for wedding, house deposit etc.

Now, I love my sister, and honestly do want her to have the money for all of the above but I’m REALLY narky that she’s getting a £50k handout, and I’m getting bugger all. I appreciate it’s his cash to do what he wants with, but actually, it’s not even about the money, it’s genuinely not, it’s the fact that I feel totally second best.

For history, mum chucked my dad out when I was two (affair, he then married her, she was a ballache) and was sporadic with child support - both financial, and emotional. Mum bought me up and it was tough, financially, we were up against it. My sister, however, was a two parent family (three really, my Nan was there too), wanted for nothing - dance classes, drama lessons, foreign school trips, uni paid for - financially, she has been well catered for, and had a much easier time of things. Dad seemed to grow up by the time he had her, I was a bit of a learning curve I think, the training daughter almost.

My dad told my mum about his financial plans the other day (they’re arms-length-friends now, for the sake of my daughter) and she pointedly said ‘don’t forget you have two daughters’ and his response was ‘well yes, but I want to set X up’. With one biological daughter of my own and two DSDs, I cannot imagine for one second treating any of them this differently, I can’t see how he can justify it in his head?

Am I being totally ridiculous? Yes, I absolutely DO have my life together (through pure hard work on my and DH’s part!), should i to just let it go and accept my dad is a total fuckwomble??? I really can’t decide if I’m being a drama queen or not, but we live 500yards apart so I can’t avoid the subject forever!

I think you need to understand what money is. Money, in its purest form is labour and goods. I spent time raising chickens, you fished. Before money I would have given you eggs and you would have given me fish. But that's inconvenient so we use a marker to say you owe me fish a few days later.

OP's father spent neither his time, and now not the representation of his time, on OP. He wants OP's sister to have a wedding (literally an expression of love), a house (safety, home and security) so he gives her 50K. OP could receive something which would signify the same. Or something she needs or wants. But he is offering nothing.

Money in families is never just money. It's often care, love, security, time. And OP's dad thinks she deserves none of those things from him.

@AndWordsWhen
Whatever I decide to do, I hope that I have reared my children well enough to know that they are all loved and that there is no correlation between money and how well or how much they are or were loved.

If I have done such a poor job that they could or would fall out over the disposition of money, then I will truly have failed as a parent ,and I will be pleased that I won't be around to witness my failure.

Pe

What does disposition of money have to do with love? Loving your children all the same has nothing to do with giving them all the same amount of money Giving of money is a financial transaction and in no way quantifies how much or how little you love your children. Some of your children may need a great deal of financial assistance and yet may be totally inept in managing finances, other may be skilled in managing finances and yet nor need any financial assistance. In this case you might decide to give all of your money to the local charity. Would that action demonstrate that you loved all of your children equally? I doubt any of the children would end up feeling loved equally , and yet they would have been treated equally

If money is all about being a financial transaction then why give your children money for anything when they were growing up.

No one knows who is going to need financial assistance in the future so you treat your children equally because anything less shows you have a favourite.

It isn’t even about the financial aspect.
It is about ignoring certain children in favour of other children

Maybe your sister could say something to him? She must realise it's unfair.

@Mari9999

Because circumstances can, and do, change. In my example, my BIL is now actually running a business and doing fine. He wasn’t at the time, yet he got this nice ‘leg up’ to help him.

My husband and I could be a redundancy away from financial hardship. That money, despite not being designated for anything at the time, could have been used for such a rainy day (if it came).

You’re right in the sense that it’s the parents cash/property etc to dispose how they see fit but as the last poster suggests, failing to dispose equitably rarely ends well. I think this thread is evidence of that, no?

Did you ask why you were I invited to do the ash scattering?
We’re you particularly close you your Nan?
I have been in a similar situation to you, my dad left my mum with 3 girls (me and my sisters when I was 9) paid as little maintenance as possible. Also had affair, went on to set up house with new woman and her son.
They we’re together for years and only got married in the last 3 years of my dads life.
Dad died suddenly, everything he inherited from his parents (my Nan and grandad) went into them setting up home together.
my sister and I have received nothing from his estate as it’s all tied up in the house, which obviously she’ll need some where to live,
however 10 years on, she’s decided to downsize and inevitably she’ll use the money for holidays, new car etc then when she passes, what’s left will go to her only son. 😤 so everything my grandparents worked for will have gone to someone who isn’t even blood related

You don’t sound like you were close to your nan which is why they probably didn’t invite you.

I agree. I’m a step mum and there’s no way I’d be contributing to my step daughters mums home.
That’s for her mum to do, not me. I have my own kids to care for.

Id never be stepping up to help out there.

I also plan to leave all of my estate to my kids only and non to my step daughter. She has her own mum she may inherit from. My OH will be split between all the kids but mine will receive a much larger chunk.

No. RTFOP

I think I’d be very tempted to message back to your dad/whoever is sending you photos and videos “thank you for the updates, we can talk about why you excluded me from the ashes scattering for my grandmother when you are back.”

do not let them lie to themselves you don’t mind or didn’t care.

Just step away op.

Have a conversation with your dad. If he is adamant and won't be equitable then that's that.

He won't change as his decades of behaviour have already shown you who he is. He will always act like this towards you, he just does not thinking of you in any way, shape or form. It's not just a lack of financial help, it's a lack of love and care. He should pay that maintenance at the very least but he thought of others and holidays and cars instead.

Think of this as his last chance, hence have that conversation. But be prepared to walk away.

Step back from him, it's foolish to care about someone who thinks nothing of you. No care, no security and no love have been given to you from him. What happened with not being invited with your nans ashes was also very cruel.

So if he fails you this time then let that be it. Remove yourself from his life and you will feel more peace as staying involved brings you nothing but pain. It may also later on bring bitterness and resentment which will only harm you.

As for your sister, she should share the money, if she doesn't then ultimately she is not only selfish but also thinks of you as less. Less worthy of being truly included in the family, less worthy of the money attention and care that she recieves. If she didn't think this then she would do something to help and change it, even just a little. But she goes along with it.

So op you have lots of choices and you can take control. You do not have to be around people who don't value you.

@FrillyGoatFluff
why should her sister view a gift from her dad as having anything to do with her sister? Why would you NY ask your did as to what he might or might not have given your sister? Is that how you typically accept a gift from your parents by inquiring what they gave to your siblings.

I think that in most families this notion of more of less than does not factor into family relationships. More or less than what? Generally, in my family we simply say "thank you" when receiving a gift. Never once has anyone of us ever said " thank you , but what did you give my sister or my brother? "

@Mari9999 you seem not to have read the OP's posts where she describes how her father abandoned her throughout her childhood. How she's got herself sorted, with work, study, and with her DH, buying a house etc. All the while watching her younger sister have all the material advantages her father REFUSED to pay for for her. The OP's mother did not receive any child support payments for the OP.

And now, she is once again passed over, in favour of her younger sister.

You might think that @FrillyGoatFluff 's father might have done the decent thing, and said "I know I didn't fulfil my parental obligations to you when you were younger, so I'd like to help you now I'm in the position to do so."

Instead he talks about giving only her younger sister a substantial amount of money, in front of the OP.

I think @FrillyGoatFluff is a saint to even contemplate keeping on talking to her father. My father has behaved in a similar (although not quite so appalling way) and I see him once a yea, if he's lucky. He's reaping what he sowed.

I mean, bit of a bold assumption.

I lived two minutes away, campaigned to get her proper care, stepped in on the practical intimate care nobody else would, was the last of us to see her alive in hospital as every other bugger pissed off and then was the only one to fight to actually get her a frigging funeral, but yeah, let's go with not being close 🤔

@FarEast
I agree that the father was an ineffective, uninvolved, SOB when the OP wad growing up. but apparently they reached resolution enough to have some kind of relationship.

To now try to hold that relationship hostage for money that none of them earned does not speak well for any of them. Apparently, the father has never been in a particularly good financial position as his family had to live in his mother's home, and he now has money only due to her passing.

If the OP chooses not to have a relationship with her dad that is her absolute right, but it would be absolutely wrong to say that he is denying her something to which. she was entitled.

Her dad did not support her financially as a child, and once again money is at the crux of their relationship. It is fine for money (payment of or non payment ) to be a driving force in their relationship, but to pretend that it is some familial relationship that is driving this situation is not accurate. In essence the OP has decided if dad wants to continue to play then he must pay.

Nothing wrong with that attitude. but why try to cloak it as anything other than what it is?

No, like you said, money aside, it is hurtful.