Is my MIL rude with her food serving habit?

[Kindlemagic]

Ok I’ll be honest I don’t like my MIL for so many reasons. However I do my best to be warm and kind when we see them. It’s a long drive to get to them (around 7 hours) which is hard with little ones and always stressful and exhausting. Invariably due to the length of the drive we turn up around dinner time or just before and we are always informed beforehand that they’ll organise dinner for all of us - which is obviously welcome and appreciated. Almost always we find that they have eaten before we have arrived and we get served heated up leftovers. This even happened one Christmas when we left very early in the morning to make Christmas lunch - raced to get there and found they had decided to just go ahead and eat Christmas dinner 25 mins before we arrived (despite us keeping them updated on our journey as to the time we would be arriving). Last time we arrived at 5pm thinking surely we had got there in time, but no, they ate at 4.30 so we ate dinner on our own just after 5pm, picked through the cold leftovers, and they wandered off to serve themselves pudding separately. I was so annoyed I couldn’t help myself asking why they ate so early and why they hadn’t waited on us and was informed they made a point of eating particularly early and before we arrived as they thought it was best if the dinner table wasn’t so crowded. Am I being unreasonable in thinking this is really weird and the height of rudeness? Whenever they come to us we ensure we sit down together to eat together and the meal is served hot to everyone.

Seems deliberately rude to me and I have family who have to travel long distances too.

Definitely rude yes.

Adding .. are your children very young? I am wondering if they like more peaceful meal than us the case when toddlers are involved.

Yes it’s rude and tbh I wouldn’t be going, let your husband take the kids on his own

Rude. I'd stop going, you're obviously not wanted much.

Yep that's rude.

So rude and it’s very deliberate. Don’t make the effort next time

My family are a bit like this.

They don't really place the same kind of importance on dinner/ eating together - it's just not so much of a thing. If I said I was upset they hadn't waited for me so we could eat together, I would get a bit of a strange look, they just wouldn't understand.

As an adult I now see that their approach is a bit unusual, having lived independently and have seen that most people prioritise having dinner together as being important, especially with visitors who you don't see regularly.

But I really think in the case of my family it's just a difference, rather than them being deliberately rude. Maybe it's the same with your in laws.

Have you ever said “ we would love it if we sat down to eat together , how can we make that work “

it seems superficially rude but might be anything from yes they like a quiet meal to well dad struggles to chew easily these days so doesn’t eat in public.

It doesn't sound like they're trying to be rude, it just sounds like weird logic to me. It can't be good for them to eat at 4:30pm so they must have genuine felt that it would be better for them to eat first and then you have the run of the dining room second. It's odd, but I wouldn't jump to assuming that it's all a planned attempt to be rude/offend you/upset you. Probably just mad logic and a misguided attempt to be helpful.

In future just leave a bit later, stop off somewhere and eat on the way and arrive in time to just put the kids straight to bed when you get there.

Just don't travel to them anymore. Make them travel to you.
If they ask why, just explain it's not nice travelling 7 hours to be served a shitty cold dinner every single time.

I think I'd be telling them that they should visit you next time.
Fuck that for a game of soldiers. 7 hours of driving with young kids to eat cold left overs.

Rude, but probably not intended to be, I expect they think they're being very helpful by not being in the way when you're eating cold leftovers.

Tell them you're arriving an hour later than you actually are.
"Oh, the sat nav must have found a faster way, never mind at least we can all sit down together now!"

I’d think it’s less rudeness and more odd food issues - they made a point of eating particularly early and before we arrived as they thought it was best if the dinner table wasn’t so crowded. They’re doing it for a somewhat bonkers reason, rather than snubbing you? Ask your DH if his parents have always been a bit weird about mealtimes?

I take it you're staying with them when they're so far away? What happens for the rest of the visit?

It sounds like they are not welcoming and either can't cope with or don't want you all there.
I'd tell DH it's obvious it's too much for his parents to host and you'll just let them come to you from now on.

It sounds like they prefer to just sit eat and move on whereas with you guys it would probably be chaotic with the kids? Maybe? I dunno I'm trying to see their side.

I think it's rude if they don't bother to heat the food up and the Xmas dinner thing is bloody bizarre because sitting together to eat that, is the point! Weird family. What does your DH say?

Definitely rude and there is just no way I'd not tell them after traveling 7 hours.
Have to ask what it's presumed it's down to MIL though?

From what you say I assume it’s deliberate policy so as not to be sharing a crowded, chaotic table with young children potentially being messy or otherwise creating an unpeaceful atmosphere at mealtime. It’s possible they think they’re being thoughtful, leaving your family the table to themselves.

It’s also possible they’re just not very emotionally intelligent.

My father has a tendency to bolt his food, jump up and start doing the washing up while everyone else is still ten mouthfuls into their dinner, and doesn’t understand why other people don’t appreciate this. Even on the rare occasions his four adult children (who live far apart) sit down at my parents’’ table together, he will eat quickly, and go off to another room to read, apparently under the impression this is normal.

It's bizarre behaviour on their part.
I'd be inclined to stop off en route and eat lunch/dinner somewhere. I would rather do that than eat cold leftovers or reheated food.

Next time order a takeaway

I wouldn't be travelling 7hours with young children to see people that can't be bothered to wait 25 mins to sit and eat with us, nope.

Sounds like they're doing it on purpose as they think it's better not to be overcrowded at the table.

If you think different, just tell them?

7 hours! I think I’d just not be going for a few years, or asking them to alternate coming to you, meeting half way.

Or in a similar (passive aggressive) way I think I’d be saying, “we know you guys don’t like to wait so please cater for yourselves don’t cook for us” and then just either eat at a restaurant on the way or order a shop to be delivered to their house in advance containing nice ready meals and cook for yourselves once you’ve got there.

I have occasionally eaten before guests arrived to stay but it’s usually when they are very late and in their full knowledge, and I’ve been sure to do something nice for them once they do arrive.

Maybe I’m cynical but I see this as a way of saying - you choose to live 7 hrs away - and are trying to prove you can’t get there in time to eat. If it were me, I’d mix up the arrival times and see if it continues

If they don't want the table crowded, why do they never let you eat first instead?