Is my MIL rude with her food serving habit?

[Kindlemagic]

Ok I’ll be honest I don’t like my MIL for so many reasons. However I do my best to be warm and kind when we see them. It’s a long drive to get to them (around 7 hours) which is hard with little ones and always stressful and exhausting. Invariably due to the length of the drive we turn up around dinner time or just before and we are always informed beforehand that they’ll organise dinner for all of us - which is obviously welcome and appreciated. Almost always we find that they have eaten before we have arrived and we get served heated up leftovers. This even happened one Christmas when we left very early in the morning to make Christmas lunch - raced to get there and found they had decided to just go ahead and eat Christmas dinner 25 mins before we arrived (despite us keeping them updated on our journey as to the time we would be arriving). Last time we arrived at 5pm thinking surely we had got there in time, but no, they ate at 4.30 so we ate dinner on our own just after 5pm, picked through the cold leftovers, and they wandered off to serve themselves pudding separately. I was so annoyed I couldn’t help myself asking why they ate so early and why they hadn’t waited on us and was informed they made a point of eating particularly early and before we arrived as they thought it was best if the dinner table wasn’t so crowded. Am I being unreasonable in thinking this is really weird and the height of rudeness? Whenever they come to us we ensure we sit down together to eat together and the meal is served hot to everyone.

"Whenever they come to us we ensure we sit down together to eat together and the meal is served hot to everyone. "

I'd be knocking that on the head! On the basis of 'treat others as you would be treated', I'd be serving warmed-up leftovers whilst I "wandered off to serve [myself] pudding separately" (and I don't even eat pudding!).

Probably slightly off grid here, but the opening lines of the post said it all for me. You don’t like your mother in law for many reasons but when you are there you try to be warm and kind. I’m sure your mother in law absolutely knows you are being two faced. She may not like you either and is having to put up with your company for the sake of her son and grandchildren.

Very rude, specially when you've driven 7 hours with children to see them. I could (maybe and this is pushing the envelope) understand if you were next door neighbours and interacting very often, but people who can't wait half an hour for a family who has driven 7 hours just to see them and are given left overs? I would never visit again, or if they come to mine I would do the same thing: eat before they arrive and handle them the left overs.

That's absolutely batshit. And rude, yes.

What does your husband make of it?

Yes it is rude. There are no sensible reasons for this behaviour and if she's unhappy you've moved away she's doing her utmost to make sure you don't move back.
Life is too short for this shit. Just stop going.

If they aren’t good hosts just arrange to meet somewhere half way instead at a hotel where no one has the pressure of hosting or travelling a ridiculously long way.

It sounds like they probably don’t enjoy hosting and if you don’t enjoy being hosted by them, do something else and make it a win win for everyone.

They’re really rude. Seven hours is a bloody long way to drive to then be treated so inhospitably.

The sensible answer is to tell them that the drive is too far for the children and they are welcome to visit you. Alternatively, time it so you stop for dinner an hour away, put the children in PJs and put them straight to bed.

What I would be very tempted to do is turn up a couple of hours early (unexpectedly light traffic is your excuse) without updates and see what they do.

My family didn't place any importance on eating together, there are a lot of neurodivergent family members too (although obviously not recognised until 90's onwards) which can skew generations into quirky ways of doing things. I have learned most of my social etiquette as an adult from Mumsnet. I do think eating first to let you have the table could be seen as polite for a couple who have no desire to have a social life.

It's rude
After such a long drive I think they should've waited. It's nice to sit down over a meal and I wouldn't feel welcome at all

Came on a bit sceptical, so much MIL hate here. But yes, that’s bloody rude.

Depends what happens afterwards. They may find it rude that they have said that they find it too crowded so they make sure to eat before you and end up eating at 4.30 because you still arrive at 5. If they are hospitable otherwise I think that it is just a weird quirk of theirs.

Do they never travel to you?

I probably wouldn’t bother going, let DH go on his own, or with the DC and you get a nice break.

If you do decide to make the trip, just tell them you will be stopping off for something to eat.

It’s definitely strange, like she’s trying to make some weird little point because of the distance.

I cannot get my head around the fact you voluntarily spent 7 hours travelling in a car on Christmas Day though!

This is the kind of passive aggressive behaviour I experienced for years with my in-laws. We don’t make any effort with them anymore. I don’t understand why people go out of their way to be so petty and mean when life is so short.

Ridiculous!! Of course you can time a Christmas dinner for when your guests actually arrive!!

Why don’t you say you’re arriving at 5 but actually arrive at 3:30 (where possible) and say traffic was great today and hooray we’ve made it in time to eat with you this time!
They’d get a lovely surprise then

There you are, OP!

Answer is to send the son and grandchildren without you, the unpaid nanny, and put your feet up at home 😂.

Might have genuine reasoning on their part, but it would be annoying, especially if you are getting the cold version of what they had and not just another sitting of the same meal.

I would turn up next time and say you ate on the way. I would before I arrived. Shame you can’t all eat together though.

I'm curious about the "crowded table" comment. Is there any truth in it? Is the table too small to fit everyone easily?

I presume you stay for more than one meal. What happens at other meal times? Do you eat in relays then too?

how about the rest of the time you are there? do you all eat together harmoniously?

I'm curious about the "crowded table" comment. Is there any truth in it? Is the table too small to fit everyone easily?

I presume you stay for more than one meal. What happens at other meal times? Do you eat in relays then too?

Several people have asked these questions. No answer yet.

I would just get them to come to you, if they don’t come then they don’t come. Their loss.

Stay in a hotel or Airbnb where you can do things on your own terms. If this means you have to visit least often because of cost, so be it. Life is too short for this nonsense and your kids will not thank you for it as they get older.

So much of rudeness is in the intention. What did they intend by deliberately eating before you arrive? It may be about space and comfort, just as they explained. It might be to provoke, irritate and punish, as you believe.

You are assigning the worst motives to them- and you may be correct. But you also might be off by a mile.

This one is fairly easy to solve, at any rate. Either stop and eat en route - make it a treat of going on a long journey - or pack yourselves a fun picnic to eat on arrival. You can make either seem rude or simply a practical solution to a problem, depending on your intention.

You can tell PIL in advance that you will eat before you arrive, so don't make dinner for your lot. Or you can arrive and just announce that you ate an hour ago and are no longer hungry. Dig straight into pudding with them. Her meal will go into the fridge.

Also. I have never once spent a night in my PIL house. Always a hotel or another nearby relative. They invited us to stay, but I know my limits with them.

Can't they visit you occasionally? Or meet halfway somewhere?