Page 4 | Is my MIL rude with her food serving habit?

Kindlemagic · 2023-09-30T09:10:56+00:00

Ok I’ll be honest I don’t like my MIL for so many reasons. However I do my best to be warm and kind when we see them. It’s a long drive to get to them (around 7 hours) which is hard with little ones and always stressful and exhausting. Invariably due to the length of the drive we turn up around dinner time or just before and we are always informed beforehand that they’ll organise dinner for all of us - which is obviously welcome and appreciated. Almost always we find that they have eaten before we have arrived and we get served heated up leftovers. This even happened one Christmas when we left very early in the morning to make Christmas lunch - raced to get there and found they had decided to just go ahead and eat Christmas dinner 25 mins before we arrived (despite us keeping them updated on our journey as to the time we would be arriving). Last time we arrived at 5pm thinking surely we had got there in time, but no, they ate at 4.30 so we ate dinner on our own just after 5pm, picked through the cold leftovers, and they wandered off to serve themselves pudding separately. I was so annoyed I couldn’t help myself asking why they ate so early and why they hadn’t waited on us and was informed they made a point of eating particularly early and before we arrived as they thought it was best if the dinner table wasn’t so crowded. Am I being unreasonable in thinking this is really weird and the height of rudeness? Whenever they come to us we ensure we sit down together to eat together and the meal is served hot to everyone.

itsalongwaybackfromsorry · 30/09/2023 11:10

I wouldn't be busting my arse to get up there for any holiday meals going forward as they clearly don't want to share them with your family. Their actions speak volumes.

Save your important holidays for people who treat you like you're loved and wanted there.

Original poster

Kindlemagic · 30/09/2023 11:10

Yes this is it exactly. Gosh. Nail on the head

OP posts:

lottiegarbanzo · 30/09/2023 11:10

Sounds like they're trying to be accommodating and helpful, in their own way. Just that their way is different from yours.

Also that they may not enjoy eating at a table with very young children. Few people do. It isn't an enjoyable family dining experience anyway, as all attention is so often on the LOs that adults can't converse anyhow.

Christmas Dinner is odd, as even families who never eat together do so then - unless there's more you're not telling us; like they'd invited you for a particular time when dinner would be served and you were late. (Your 'racing to get there' and 'updates' do imply this).

The 'mirror' post from your MIL, about how she'd planned Christmas Dinner so carefully, invited people for the right time but her son's family turned up late - after bombarding her with messages just as she was trying to manage the final stages of preparing multiple dishes at once - forcing her to choose between serving dinner while the food was 'right' and waiting half an hour while it wilted and cooled, would gain a LOT of sympathy here. (More so if she was a DIL rather than a MIL of course).

Just imagine that post... what utter inconsiderate bastards the PIL would be portrayed as, for turning up late and ruining the DIL's carefully planned Christmas Dinner.

ErinAoife · 30/09/2023 11:12

My ex sil is like that she will invite you for dinner but she will always have her dinner before our arrival. She won't sit at the table with us. Very weird

inamarina · 30/09/2023 11:13

Mintearo7 · 30/09/2023 10:25

People on here are a bit OTT, it’s her in laws and yes this is rude in some eyes but wouldn’t say you should stop going. Are they just regimented in terms of not snacking then got really hungry waiting? Or they can’t time the cooking properly but want to eat as soon as it’s done? Tbh, my in laws do the same. We don’t see them that often as they live 5 hours away but they almost always eat separately to us. But FIL has health condition that restricts his eating times. . Anyway, I wouldn’t waste your time getting annoyed at it.

I agree.
It could be for a number of reasons that they chose to eat earlier. Maybe they‘re hungry, maybe they don’t enjoy eating at a crowded table.
OP, you say you don’t like your MIL for various reasons - maybe she senses that and is trying to stay out of your way? Tbh, I wouldn’t insist on eating together with someone I don’t like/ feel uncomfortable around.
The Christmas lunch situation was weird though, they definitely should have waited on that occasion.

Ketty72 · 30/09/2023 11:13

I would find that quite odd (and a bit rude - especially the Christmas one!) too.

Assuming they are fit and well enough to travel to you I would let their 'don't like to be away from home' fall on deaf ears. It is their turn to visit you next (where you can make a point of eating a lovely hot dinner all together when they arrive).

I would completely stop mentioning them at all to your DH. When he next suggests going to see them say 'no, it's their turn to come here' 'that's fine if you want to go up but I'll wait until they come here to see them next'. When/if it is your turn to go up to them decline their offer of dinner and stop off and have something on the way instead. Don't engage with much discussion about it at all and just be matter of fact about your boundaries and preferences.

DisquietintheRanks · 30/09/2023 11:14

I think it's odd and yes, rude but it doesn't sound as though they intend to be. What happens for the rest of your visit - do you continue to eat separately?

It sounds very much as though this is about their issues and not personal to you (though I appreciate that might be cold comfort).

Anewest · 30/09/2023 11:15

lottiegarbanzo · 30/09/2023 11:10

Sounds like they're trying to be accommodating and helpful, in their own way. Just that their way is different from yours.

Also that they may not enjoy eating at a table with very young children. Few people do. It isn't an enjoyable family dining experience anyway, as all attention is so often on the LOs that adults can't converse anyhow.

Christmas Dinner is odd, as even families who never eat together do so then - unless there's more you're not telling us; like they'd invited you for a particular time when dinner would be served and you were late. (Your 'racing to get there' and 'updates' do imply this).

The 'mirror' post from your MIL, about how she'd planned Christmas Dinner so carefully, invited people for the right time but her son's family turned up late - after bombarding her with messages just as she was trying to manage the final stages of preparing multiple dishes at once - forcing her to choose between serving dinner while the food was 'right' and waiting half an hour while it wilted and cooled, would gain a LOT of sympathy here. (More so if she was a DIL rather than a MIL of course).

Just imagine that post... what utter inconsiderate bastards the PIL would be portrayed as, for turning up late and ruining the DIL's carefully planned Christmas Dinner.

Although OP hasn't said if they were late, it sounds like what happened was OP tried to keep them updated as to their arrival time due to not being given a specific time. I imagine that whatever happened, the PIL would have made sure to eat prior to their arrival anyway since it sounds like the updates were a desperate attempt to avoid yet more cold leftovers.

There are a lot of posts saying maybe the PIL don't want to eat with young kids, but I can't help but wonder - what's stopping them using their words and saying this?

PurpleWisteria1 · 30/09/2023 11:15

They don’t like eating with you OP. It’s as simple as that. They would rather not. Yes it’s rude.
I suspect it’s the kids and the noise and everything that goes with young kids.
As we age many people (not all before I get jumped on) can’t tolerate loud noise. Life slows down and is quiet, so young kids just seem too frantic / hectic.
When I was a child, me and my siblings had to sit in a completely different room to eat, away from my grandparents who sat in the main dining room with the other adults.
They prioritised eating in peace to having the grandkids up at the table.

MyCircumference · 30/09/2023 11:15

very inhospitable
can you lie and say you will be there later and catch them out!

MyCircumference · 30/09/2023 11:17

is there no space at the table?
are they embarrassed?

Original poster

Kindlemagic · 30/09/2023 11:17

lottiegarbanzo · 30/09/2023 11:10

Sounds like they're trying to be accommodating and helpful, in their own way. Just that their way is different from yours.

Also that they may not enjoy eating at a table with very young children. Few people do. It isn't an enjoyable family dining experience anyway, as all attention is so often on the LOs that adults can't converse anyhow.

Christmas Dinner is odd, as even families who never eat together do so then - unless there's more you're not telling us; like they'd invited you for a particular time when dinner would be served and you were late. (Your 'racing to get there' and 'updates' do imply this).

The 'mirror' post from your MIL, about how she'd planned Christmas Dinner so carefully, invited people for the right time but her son's family turned up late - after bombarding her with messages just as she was trying to manage the final stages of preparing multiple dishes at once - forcing her to choose between serving dinner while the food was 'right' and waiting half an hour while it wilted and cooled, would gain a LOT of sympathy here. (More so if she was a DIL rather than a MIL of course).

Just imagine that post... what utter inconsiderate bastards the PIL would be portrayed as, for turning up late and ruining the DIL's carefully planned Christmas Dinner.

No it really wasn’t like this - family meals aren’t really a thing for them. They knew when we left the house and when we would arrive and my MIL is not precious about her food in the slightest. There was no censure on us when we arrived and no suggestion we were late - it was, if anything, just thoughtless. As if it really didn’t matter that we were coming at all.

OP posts:

TiredMamOfTwo · 30/09/2023 11:18

Very rude, I'd tell them they need to travel to you and that 7 hours in a car is to much for the little ones.

Tryingmybestadhd · 30/09/2023 11:19

Are they one of those grandparents who actually don’t like spending time with the grandchild? Maybe they don’t like children at the table? Either way in my opinion it’s as rude as it gets and I would be upset over this . I would stop updating them on when you are going to arrive or lie qnd say an hour after qnd then surprise them or better stop going to eat with them all together

Original poster

Kindlemagic · 30/09/2023 11:19

Parentalalienation · 30/09/2023 10:56

It's a way of protesting that they aren't happy that you live so far away. I'd be spending Christmas at home and going to see them at a different time of year.
When we were taken to see grandparents, all I really remember is hours in the car and then comments from grandparents about 'well if you hadn't moved so far away...'. Meals were always a ham salad with eggs 'because we didn't know what time you would be getting here.' Even when we had gone early and were there for lunch and dinner, it was two cold meals. Almost as though they didn't want to make the effort for their adult children who had dared to move away.
I wouldn't want your children's memories of going to see grandparents being like mine. Especially as your husband's relationship with them is 'tortured'. Put your family first.

I think this is exactly right. I hadn’t thought about it this way but yes, it is exactly this. We do get a LOT of comments and pressure about how far away we live. The issues between my MIL and DH are all based on this.

OP posts:

MyCircumference · 30/09/2023 11:20

order a pizza delivery when you get there

10HailMarys · 30/09/2023 11:21

It is definitely rude.

Maybe not deliberately so - perhaps your PILs are just utterly ignorant of basic manners - but it certainly rude. The Christmas example in particular is just insane.

MyCircumference · 30/09/2023 11:21

it could well be snide behaviour from them
or perhaps they just want to make sure they have enough? dont know how to distribute the meal?

is the food cold or do you microwave it?

Parentalalienation · 30/09/2023 11:22

And I'm sorry that things haven't moved on much in the last 40 years, you'd think people moving for work would be better known and accepted these days.

MyCircumference · 30/09/2023 11:23

how about the rest of the time you are there? do you all eat together harmoniously?

NoSquirrels · 30/09/2023 11:24

They don’t like leaving home, they don’t have friends and don’t ever entertain, except hosting your family, and they don’t want their dining table to be crowded.

They’re just odd and stuck in their ways, and you should refuse the offer of a meal when you’re travelling up, and say it’s more convenient to eat on the way. Say the kids would love a cheese sandwich & a glass of milk on arrival (or whatever easy, cold, plain food they like).

Stop trying. Accept they’re odd and stuck in their ways.

Purplecatshopaholic · 30/09/2023 11:26

It is rude and deliberate - probably a passive aggressive comment about the distance away you live. I personally would not be travelling for 7 hours to see rude people - nope, no way - if your DH wants to go, fine, he can take the kids and you get peace in the house while they are away.

TrailingLoellia · 30/09/2023 11:27

I don’t really think it is rude as I don’t think it is deliberate.

Arriving at 5pm for Christmas lunch is far too late. Plus MIL and FIL may be rubbish at timing when dinner will be ready? Or perhaps at the start of the 7hr drive, you inform them you will arrive at 3pm and then it ends up being actually 5pm, they may have timed dinner for 4pm but your updates came too late to do anything. Christmas dinners take 4-5hrs to cook and once you start you can’t really slow things down much.

The fact you travel so far I would say it is inevitably futile to try and plan to have food being done cooking exactly when you arrive.

LadyLapsang · 30/09/2023 11:29

I’m surprised that for a special occasion such as Christmas lunch, the time of the meal is not agreed in advance and people arrive accordingly, e.g. we will have drinks at 1pm and sit down for lunch between 1.45 -2. Then guests can ensure they arrive on time. Given you have a long journey I would expect you to travel the previous day so you or your husband can help with food prep, cooking, clearing up, serving drinks if needed; alternatively they could push the meal time back to allow you to travel on the day, e.g. eat at 4pm, but then I would not want a blow by blow account of the journey. We used to have a relative who was always late so he used to be given a false (earlier) time to ensure he arrived on time to eat.

Purplecatshopaholic · 30/09/2023 11:29

Ah, just seen your comment that MIL doesn’t like the fact you live so far away. Can’t imagine why you would want to live closer given her actions - maybe she should think about that…!