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Original poster

Is my MIL rude with her food serving habit?

292 replies

Kindlemagic · 30/09/2023 10:10

Ok I’ll be honest I don’t like my MIL for so many reasons. However I do my best to be warm and kind when we see them. It’s a long drive to get to them (around 7 hours) which is hard with little ones and always stressful and exhausting. Invariably due to the length of the drive we turn up around dinner time or just before and we are always informed beforehand that they’ll organise dinner for all of us - which is obviously welcome and appreciated. Almost always we find that they have eaten before we have arrived and we get served heated up leftovers. This even happened one Christmas when we left very early in the morning to make Christmas lunch - raced to get there and found they had decided to just go ahead and eat Christmas dinner 25 mins before we arrived (despite us keeping them updated on our journey as to the time we would be arriving). Last time we arrived at 5pm thinking surely we had got there in time, but no, they ate at 4.30 so we ate dinner on our own just after 5pm, picked through the cold leftovers, and they wandered off to serve themselves pudding separately. I was so annoyed I couldn’t help myself asking why they ate so early and why they hadn’t waited on us and was informed they made a point of eating particularly early and before we arrived as they thought it was best if the dinner table wasn’t so crowded. Am I being unreasonable in thinking this is really weird and the height of rudeness? Whenever they come to us we ensure we sit down together to eat together and the meal is served hot to everyone.

OP posts:
PuppyMonkey · 30/09/2023 10:50

Perhaps it’s your DH and the tortured relationship that somehow makes them assume you’d be happier not eating with them. But TBF if it’s that tortured, I’d expect DH to not turn up to visit them in the first place.

Families are just weird, that’s the key thing here. Grin

Luxell934 · 30/09/2023 10:51

So do they actually have a dining room table big enough to accommodate all of you at the same time plus the kids?

It just sounds like one of their own personal quirks of wanting to eat alone and just thinking it would be best if they weren't in your way and it doesn't seem like they are doing it to be particularly rude. Why would you eat cold leftovers? Just heat it up in the oven/microwave? After that first day, what do you do for the rest of your meals with them?

Milliondollars · 30/09/2023 10:53

Yes it’s weird and rude.

How many children do you have and what ages? Maybe they find it stressful to sit round altogether.

Also how old are they? Maybe they find it hard work to get everything hot and ready and then sit down with you and all eat at the same time. In the days when I used to host, I used to find that hard and I would never be relaxed as I would be up and down getting this and that.

Just trying to be generous and thinking maybe they believe they are being helpful!

Original poster
Kindlemagic · 30/09/2023 10:53

I didn’t say but should have done - after the last awful Christmas we had with them we don’t go to them for Christmas any more and haven’t been for a few years now. I figured out pretty quickly that it was destroying our own christmases to do so. So this is now more about when we go to them outside of Christmas. I should also add that they don’t really have friends and never entertain outside of family. My DH, despite having issues with them, won’t hear a bad word said about them so I do have to be careful with what I say.

OP posts:
CountessKathleen · 30/09/2023 10:54

EquinoxVOx · 30/09/2023 10:47

Over crowded dinner table!
Hilarious.

Op can't your dh ask them outright? Why do they do it?

Some people are very set in their ways, and from what the OP says about her PILs not liking to travel to them, it sounds as if this may be the case.

My PILs (long retired, now in their 80s) had jobs that involved early starts (bin man and hospital cleaner) so ate their dinner at 4.30 in the afternoon for much of their working lives to facilitate early bedtimes, and although they’ve been retired for many years, they hold to this schedule unwaveringly, and get cross when we say we can’t come to dinner at their house on Tuesday at 4.30 because we’re still at work! Eating out is a nightmare because they complain that even the earliest possible dinner reservation, say 6 pm, is too late for them.

PaminaMozart · 30/09/2023 10:54

Does it matter why they do it? It looks like they're unlikely to change. Given your husband's tortuous relationship with them, why bother visiting them? What's his take on all this?

Freezingcoldinseptember · 30/09/2023 10:55

Isn't that a dig that you make her house too crowded? Just order a take away when you get there.. And obviously you don't need to share as they will have already eaten. Win bloody win.

EquinoxVOx · 30/09/2023 10:56

In that case op completely forget about rating I arrival.
Tell them you will be stopping to eat on route and therefor don't need to trouble them re dinner

Enjoy a lovely meal somewhere and arrive relaxed.

CherryMaDeara · 30/09/2023 10:56

Kindlemagic · 30/09/2023 10:53

I didn’t say but should have done - after the last awful Christmas we had with them we don’t go to them for Christmas any more and haven’t been for a few years now. I figured out pretty quickly that it was destroying our own christmases to do so. So this is now more about when we go to them outside of Christmas. I should also add that they don’t really have friends and never entertain outside of family. My DH, despite having issues with them, won’t hear a bad word said about them so I do have to be careful with what I say.

Why not send him on his own? He can take the kids if he wants.

Does he talk to them when you visit or are you expected to entertain them?

Parentalalienation · 30/09/2023 10:56

It's a way of protesting that they aren't happy that you live so far away. I'd be spending Christmas at home and going to see them at a different time of year.
When we were taken to see grandparents, all I really remember is hours in the car and then comments from grandparents about 'well if you hadn't moved so far away...'. Meals were always a ham salad with eggs 'because we didn't know what time you would be getting here.' Even when we had gone early and were there for lunch and dinner, it was two cold meals. Almost as though they didn't want to make the effort for their adult children who had dared to move away.
I wouldn't want your children's memories of going to see grandparents being like mine. Especially as your husband's relationship with them is 'tortured'. Put your family first.

Sugarfree23 · 30/09/2023 10:57

Op I would not be travelling more than an hour on Christmas Day. Don't torture yourself of your kids.

New rules, Christmas Day is at home. Or if travelling you travel the day before.

I think it's rude or thoughtless to have eaten before you got there. And it's a deliberate choice.

The next time you travel stop and have dinner enroute or have a big lunch

SerafinasGoose · 30/09/2023 10:58

No way in the world I'd be driving SEVEN hours with young kids, not least on Christmas Day but on any part of the winter holidays. That's our time to regroup as a family; for me it marks the midway point of the two busiest times of my year.

Yes, some people do have peculiar quirks, but given the context of your relationship with your in-laws in general, this does smack very much of the 'grand gesture'. I know it well. I had it from my own in-laws for years until I'd finally had enough, stepped back, and asserted stronger boundaries as to what I was (and wasn't) willing to accept. And I'd certainly take my lead from DH, and not build bridges if for whatever reason he's decided to distance himself from them.

In your position I wouldn't be in a hurry to invite them to my place, either. Play duff games, win duff prizes.

johnd2 · 30/09/2023 10:58

Don't focus on whether they are rude or not as that's irrelevant, focus on what type of relationship you want with them and try to make that happen.

Might be through communication, counselling between your DH and yourself, low contact, etc.
Once you are clear which things are in your control and are not you can easily make a solution.

ThomasinaLivesHere · 30/09/2023 10:59

Have they been told directly that you found it rude and you wanted to wait to have it. I do think it could be that they don’t realise it and aren’t high in emotional intelligence. As you said they don’t normally entertain so it could be a lot of pressure for them. Perhaps with dinner they misstimed the food and then thought it best to eat.

ArthnoldManacatsaman · 30/09/2023 11:01

To the PP saying eating together is not important to some families - I’m very familiar with this because I’m from one of those families, so I’m not fussed if I’m eating with my hosts or on my own for whatever reason. However, if I’ve been “informed beforehand that they’ll organise dinner for all of us” I wouldn’t expect to be served the cold/reheated leftovers of a hot meal that someone else has already eaten.

I’m very happy to feed myself on a journey, or prepare myself something when I arrive if my host doesn’t want to cook again. But assuring people you’ll provide dinner and then deliberately creating a situation where your guests are eating your leftovers is rude, regardless of how little importance you place on communal dining.

JoyApple · 30/09/2023 11:03

Next time ask them beforehand what time dinner/lunch will be, so you can reach there on time and eat together. Share with them that it would be nice to have food together.

My in-laws are also far away but don't normally wait around for us, and have dinner/lunch at their scheduled time. But we do get a chance to have other meals together whilst we are staying over, just not always the first meal.

It may appear rude but some people have misophonia, and they may have that. (Individuals with misophonia, which afflicts up to 20% of people, feel anger, disgust and a desire to flee when they hear certain sounds. Chewing and similar noises from the mouth are most often associated with the condition).

JanefromLondon1 · 30/09/2023 11:03

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn due to privacy concerns.

UnbeatenMum · 30/09/2023 11:06

It sounds like either they think they're being considerate, or one or both of them finds a crowded/noisy dinner table difficult for whatever reason. With your update about them not liking to travel and not having friends I'm wondering if there's something else going on there rather than rudeness that means they're not conforming to social norms. My autistic child doesn't usually eat at the table with us for sensory reasons and doesn't always realise when people perceive her as rude.

LookItsMeAgain · 30/09/2023 11:06

Kindlemagic · 30/09/2023 10:53

I didn’t say but should have done - after the last awful Christmas we had with them we don’t go to them for Christmas any more and haven’t been for a few years now. I figured out pretty quickly that it was destroying our own christmases to do so. So this is now more about when we go to them outside of Christmas. I should also add that they don’t really have friends and never entertain outside of family. My DH, despite having issues with them, won’t hear a bad word said about them so I do have to be careful with what I say.

You see, I don't get the mentality where a DH in a situation like this will not hear anything that reflects badly on their parents. The parents though, don't have any issues behaving like this and getting their children and grandchildren to travel 7 hrs and feed them cold leftovers on Christmas day (which is ALL about families). That just doesn't work in my head.

Is there a way that you could describe a similar situation but make it about some friends and their inlaws and get DH to give his advice on the situation. See if he'd offer anything as a solution. See if you could then explain that his parents are doing similar to him and you and your kids.

I am pleased to learn that you're not travelling to them for Christmas any more. I'm sure your kids prefer having Christmas in their own home too.

JustAMinutePleass · 30/09/2023 11:06

This reply has been deleted

This has been withdrawn due to privacy concerns.

This is my sister in law. She gave me lectures on how to cook, viewed herself as some kind of masterchef, and not only does she cooks things that look and small like a blocked toilet she also can’t get the portions right. At least I can cook for 10/20/30 people with my simple foods.

CurlewKate · 30/09/2023 11:07

Yes. But why is your FIL not rude too?

HowIsItSeptemberAlready · 30/09/2023 11:09

What happens about other mealtimes while you're there? Do they also eat separately from you then, as this dining room table is apparently so small?

TigerJoy · 30/09/2023 11:09

You say DH won't hear a bad word against them but also it's a tortuous relationship.

Can you have a non-confrontational talk with him some time about this? Say that you find it confusing that they always eat before you. Is there a way he could talk to his parents and find out what's going on?

You could frame it as concern - as they always eat before you, are you inconveniencing them? Would it be better for you all to stop on the way there and eat before arrival? Or offer as others have suggested to have a shop delivered that you can have a simple meal from e.g. fresh pasta and sauce, oven pizza, roasted chicken, bread and salad etc.

Dillane · 30/09/2023 11:09

Hardly ‘the height of rudeness’ OP, get a grip 🙄

Anewest · 30/09/2023 11:10

I would stop making an effort to be "warm and kind", especially if MIL creates other issues on top of this.
I honestly think that if 2 adults need to be told this sort of behaviour is rude, then it isn't worth having to spell it out as it'll likely keep happening. It's clearly unkind to feed visitors, especially little children, cold leftovers after they travelled hours to see you and gave you updates as to their whereabouts. Very spiteful IMO.