Is my MIL rude with her food serving habit?

[Kindlemagic]

Ok I’ll be honest I don’t like my MIL for so many reasons. However I do my best to be warm and kind when we see them. It’s a long drive to get to them (around 7 hours) which is hard with little ones and always stressful and exhausting. Invariably due to the length of the drive we turn up around dinner time or just before and we are always informed beforehand that they’ll organise dinner for all of us - which is obviously welcome and appreciated. Almost always we find that they have eaten before we have arrived and we get served heated up leftovers. This even happened one Christmas when we left very early in the morning to make Christmas lunch - raced to get there and found they had decided to just go ahead and eat Christmas dinner 25 mins before we arrived (despite us keeping them updated on our journey as to the time we would be arriving). Last time we arrived at 5pm thinking surely we had got there in time, but no, they ate at 4.30 so we ate dinner on our own just after 5pm, picked through the cold leftovers, and they wandered off to serve themselves pudding separately. I was so annoyed I couldn’t help myself asking why they ate so early and why they hadn’t waited on us and was informed they made a point of eating particularly early and before we arrived as they thought it was best if the dinner table wasn’t so crowded. Am I being unreasonable in thinking this is really weird and the height of rudeness? Whenever they come to us we ensure we sit down together to eat together and the meal is served hot to everyone.

So unthoughtful to do that, especially when they know you are making a long journey to spend time with them. I would be annoyed and it would show!

Not waiting 25 mins for you to arrive to eat Christmas dinner together is shockingly rude, particularly as you were updating them about your arrival throughout the seven-hour journey! They could've easily timed it to wait. I wonder if one of them has a phobia about seeing other people eat? Have you ever had a meal together??

In future I wouldn't go at Christmas and if you go at any other time, find a really nice restaurant on route to eat at and split the journey so you eat on the way and get there after mealtimes.

Well you've asked why they do this and they've explained why. Sometimes if I (single) visit my mum at the same time as my sister and her family, there isn't enough room at the dining table for us all. I help my mum serve and often make up a plate for me which I eat later...or sometimes off my lap. I don't think it's a big deal. I think it's a bit dramatic to say you're being served left overs. Your MIL has presumably cooked especially for you.
Now you've explained you don't mind all being squashed in together (or maybe eating off a tray) what was the conclusion?

I do think Xmas Dinner is a bit different. Unless there were significant delays etc I'd make sure everyone ate together. I wouldn't be able to seat 8 people so I don't host. How about you invite them to yours instead because you have a bigger table and it's better for the children, or maybe go out for lunch when your there?

i guess you could tell them you wont need feeding, and stop for a hot meal on the way

Break the journey and stop for a meal.

How many of you are there and how small is the table?

YABU and I’m honestly shocked that others don’t think so.

They are making you a meal which is very kind of them.

They obviously have a reason for eating before you get there because it seems they do it intentionally.

Perhaps there aren’t enough seats around the table or MIL has an ED or something that makes her uncomfortable eating around other people.

Perhaps they can’t afford to feed everyone so they just eat something cheaper.

Perhaps this is what their parents did and they don’t see anything wrong with it.

I think it’s really rude that they welcome you into their home, cook your family a nice meal and you are moaning about it.

In future just take a pack lunch to eat on the way or stop somewhere for a meal and tell PIL not to cook for you as you’ll have already eaten.

I’ve just remembered an anecdote my nan told me about the first time she met my uncle’s future in-laws. This would have been mid-1960s. She and my grandad drove for four hours to get to their house, arrived bang on time at 2pm as requested, and were greeted with zero offer of any refreshment. At 3pm my nan, who by this time was absolutely parched to the point of being hoarse (and also not typically someone to be shy about expressing herself), said something like “I’m sorry but I’m very thirsty after the journey, would you mind if I made some tea?” and was told no, because “It isn’t time yet, we have a cup of tea every day at half-past four”.

YANBU but actually as a child I recall long journeys to see my grandparents, and I can’t remember if we all sat together for a meal when we arrived, I suspect we didn’t always, and invariably it was a lovely salmon dinner with potatoes and veg. Granny was a good cook though!

I think the telling point is that they aren’t very sociable and therefore don’t host dinner parties very often. Perhaps they are also creatures of habit and enjoy meal times where it is just the two of them.

Rather than expect them to change, perhaps embrace it by asking them not to worry about providing a meal, you’ll stop en-route for lunch/dinner and will bring a light supper with you. Just agree that you’ll let them know when you’re an hour away from arriving. It takes the expectation and stress out of the situation and hopefully makes for a calmer stay.

This is one of those occasions where you need to pick your battles and this wouldn’t be a battle I’d pick. Let them have their foibles and prioritise creating happy memories with the grandchildren. Travel in the summer when the hours of daylight are longer and the weather is better. Acknowledge you live a long way away when they raise it, but counter this with the positives this brings your family before changing the subject.

Do you really do that @JudgeRudy ? I find that very sad.

YABU. Their house, their rules.

Surely it’s rude to try to impose your values onto your hosts?

As a family, we rarely eat meals together apart from Christmas Day because we all eat different things at different times.

I cook boring stuff for DS because he’s a fussy eater and he’ll eat around 6pm. When his food is served, I’ll start cooking my own dinner and eat about an hour later and DH never eats dinner until at least 9.30pm and he does his own thing as he’s a ridiculously fussy eater. His dinner can often be tinned soup or cornflakes so I don’t get involved anymore.

My family are also like this. I went up for my birthday and we planned to get a takeaway together about 7:30pm. I put kids in pjs in car so they’d go straight in bed asleep on arrival. Hence the timing.

Parents messaged before I had even left saying they would be eating at 5:30 as normal as they were hungry. Ok, whatever. Asked if they’d mind me getting myself takeaway on arrival (because birthday), said that would offend as they’d cooked and there were leftovers to eat up.

They also don’t really talk during meals so my husband has had to encourage me to do this as an adult. I now see it’s part of normal family life to eat and talk together.

Some families are just different OP.

Maybe she knows you don't like her for so many reasons even though you do your best to be kind. That might make her very uncomfortable sitting down to a meal with you. I have 3 married sons, two of their wives are "family" and I am relaxed when they visit, one sounds a bit like you and I feel constantly on edge with her as I feel everything I do and say is judged, I also do my best to be kind.

Rude and passive aggressive. Plan your journey around stopping off at a nice motorway services place where you can all have a hot meal and tell MIL not to bother.

Id be inclined to maybe give one more chance but lay it out before hand that you expect to eat together. As you've said maybe they don't see it as rude.

Next time your invited and they insist on feeding you...

"Hi MIL, thank you for offering to feed us. It would be lovely if we could all eat together this time. What time would you like to serve dinner so I can ensure we are there on time?"

If it really is crowded when you are all round the table and this isn't just an excuse from her can you suggest an alternative? We always had the coffee table made up as a 'kids table' at my grandparents when we were all there.

Perfect response.
It’s surprising when you pull back to see how little effort some relatives are willing to make to sustain a relationship.
It is not just down to one side to put in all the work, if it’s not reciprocated you don’t have to continue and you certainly don’t have to feel guilty about it.
It’s your life, you only get one, why waste it on people who don’t appreciate you (or your children)?

Air BnB if you must go

OK. The height of not giving a crap about your family then.🙄

I suspect MIL has to pander to FIL wishes - a lot of men dislike changes in their routines, and become less sociableand flexible, as they age. I've seen it time and time again. It's not really left overs if they have cooked for 6, and just took their portion. I'd expect it warmed up though.

I think this would be OK if they told you IN ADVANCE that they intended always to eat separately before you arrived.

Why is there so little communication?

I don't think it's necessarily rude it could be easier for them to serve the food etc when not also eating themselves

I don’t see this as rude. Surely it would be rude if they hadn’t prepared food for you or if they had binned food instead of saving for you?

You can just re-heat it?

As you dislike them, isn’t it a blessing that you don’t have to sit with them on arrival?

There may well be other issues that are negatively affecting yours and your children’s relationships with them but this meal thing seems very minor.

I spent years trying to work out why my parents in law behaved so oddly and rudely in similar ways. I've gradually concluded that it's a combination of: different habits (sociable family meals not really a thing); a lack of exposure to people outside of their immediate family; and some degree of neurodiversity (lots of diagnosed autism and ADHD within the wider family).

I wish I'd realised earlier that it's not rudeness, as in a deliberate slight or snub. It makes it much easier to deal with. Not saying that this is the case with your in-laws, but I'm not convinced from what you've said that it's meant to be rude, just a different way of doing things and a lack of awareness about how their actions are perceived.

Entertaining to see two Mumsnet tropes colliding-worried about some sort of thermonuclear event!

Mumsnet hates MILs meets Mumsnet hates visitors head on! 🤣

Do they visit you? Or do they not cos it is your fault for moving away.

Eat 30 mins before they arrive. Give them leftovers, they set the standard, even if the bar is very low.

I prefer to squash in together at a table. If my guests were going to be late, I would still make the effort. Maybe a cottage pie for two? I would seat with them and chat.

This

Why is MIL rude but not FIL