Is my MIL rude with her food serving habit?

[Kindlemagic]

Ok I’ll be honest I don’t like my MIL for so many reasons. However I do my best to be warm and kind when we see them. It’s a long drive to get to them (around 7 hours) which is hard with little ones and always stressful and exhausting. Invariably due to the length of the drive we turn up around dinner time or just before and we are always informed beforehand that they’ll organise dinner for all of us - which is obviously welcome and appreciated. Almost always we find that they have eaten before we have arrived and we get served heated up leftovers. This even happened one Christmas when we left very early in the morning to make Christmas lunch - raced to get there and found they had decided to just go ahead and eat Christmas dinner 25 mins before we arrived (despite us keeping them updated on our journey as to the time we would be arriving). Last time we arrived at 5pm thinking surely we had got there in time, but no, they ate at 4.30 so we ate dinner on our own just after 5pm, picked through the cold leftovers, and they wandered off to serve themselves pudding separately. I was so annoyed I couldn’t help myself asking why they ate so early and why they hadn’t waited on us and was informed they made a point of eating particularly early and before we arrived as they thought it was best if the dinner table wasn’t so crowded. Am I being unreasonable in thinking this is really weird and the height of rudeness? Whenever they come to us we ensure we sit down together to eat together and the meal is served hot to everyone.

Some families 🙄
@10HailMarys your story reminded me of some relative. After making the journey and talking for a while I started having dry mouth. Delicately enquired about the drink and eventually was offered one begrudgingly by uncle’s wife.

On subsequent visits I started taking my own drink. Same set up, eventually got offered a drink by uncle’s wife which I declined. Half an hour later uncle asks for a drink and his wife screeched “I’ve already offered”.

Crap hospitality on their part but high expectations when they came to us. Thank goodness the relationship has faded.

I think they are eating early so you and your family can sit and eat with the kids and take your time and make a mess and make noise. Saying that everything should be hot for you not cold leftovers. I wouldn’t travel 7 hours in future but invite them to yours or just have dinner at home by yourselves, some people think differently to you. At home growing up there wasn’t enough room for all of us at the table so we might of done it in shifts. Or some sat in the front room for dinner while others were at the table. Maybe your mil can’t cope with cooking for so many people so just does what she can. I get stressed when there’s lots of people to cook for and put it all out and say microwave it after serving. I find it hard keeping it all hot!

Maybe their perception of "enough space for four guests" is different to yours.
Doesn't matter if they've got the chairs or not, it's down to whether you/they feel squashed up around the table. City people have a different view of personal space compared to rural people etc.
I still think they're in the wrong though. Taking your own food though equally wrong.
Splash out on a hotel, eat out, invite them to join you if you want, or just visit for coffee and catch up in between.
If they believe you are temporarily dependent on them, for beds or food, then they have a way to control you or punish your decision to take DH far away or whatever the reason why they don't like you.
You can take away that dependency: get a hotel.

Sounds stunningly rude and it would annoy me. So much so that I'd make a point of stopping somewhere to eat en route then leave them to whinge that they've over-catered. However, I can be very petty. Are they oldish OP? I've developed various digestive things as I've aged and never eat after 4pm due to reflux. Maybe something like that that embarasses them to talk about.

I think next time you visit I would make a point of stopping for dinner out somewhere just down the road, don't tell them that though, just say you've already eaten when you arrive, and if they get annoyed or question it, tell them you feel an inconvenience as they always eat before you get there so didn't want to put them out.

Such strange behaviour!

'Hi MiL, we've realised it must be really inconvenient for you and FiL to have to eat dinner so early and then reheat the food just to accommodate us. We'll grab something at the services and come to yours after dinner. See you at 7! Love OP"

Christmas Dinner in a services - just no!! Stay at home!

They have no manners. They don’t know the basics of what family gathering together around the table for meals mean. No warm feeling toward extended family visiting either.

Your MIL’s behaviour is actually the height of bad manners. I can understand if you were exceptionally late and there was no other choice but to go ahead and have dinner but keep yours warm but the times that you mention are not unreasonable. Your MIL is missing out on a time of friendship and bonding with her family and especially her grandchildren. Mealtimes are when families typically enjoying chatting and uniting with one another but sounds like MIL isn’t interested in these benefits.

I do think it’s odd and rude for Christmas dinner but I’m surprised that so many people think it’s very bad mannered for an ordinary weekday and for family. If the food really is cold and unpalatable it’s rude but if the food is okay they’re just doing what they think is most convenient. OP is no longer spending Christmas there anyway.

Very rude. Stop driving your kids 7 hours on Christmas Day to eat alone, why would you want them to miss most of the day sitting in a car?

Discussing it honestly with MIL is the grown-up thing to do? Ghosting family is as immature as spitefully eating 20 minutes before guests arrive. Let's stop the childishness right now.

Pick up a take away when you arrive in their town. Explain you've come prepared with a hot meal as you didn't want cold leftovers. Too bad if they are offended at least you will get a decent meal.

An alternative is to take some ready meals with you.

City and rural people have different idea of personal space? WTF? This is just sitting at a table with family.

Thats even weirder and ruder than warming up the food that has been brought and cooked for you.

If you choose to visit them again, next time, tell them you'll arrive an hour after you actually will, that way, they shouldn't have had the opportunity to sit down to eat 30mins before you arrive, as you'll arrive 30mins before they're planning to sit down, and thus they won't be able to leave you with cold leftovers