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Original poster

Is my MIL rude with her food serving habit?

292 replies

Kindlemagic · 30/09/2023 10:10

Ok I’ll be honest I don’t like my MIL for so many reasons. However I do my best to be warm and kind when we see them. It’s a long drive to get to them (around 7 hours) which is hard with little ones and always stressful and exhausting. Invariably due to the length of the drive we turn up around dinner time or just before and we are always informed beforehand that they’ll organise dinner for all of us - which is obviously welcome and appreciated. Almost always we find that they have eaten before we have arrived and we get served heated up leftovers. This even happened one Christmas when we left very early in the morning to make Christmas lunch - raced to get there and found they had decided to just go ahead and eat Christmas dinner 25 mins before we arrived (despite us keeping them updated on our journey as to the time we would be arriving). Last time we arrived at 5pm thinking surely we had got there in time, but no, they ate at 4.30 so we ate dinner on our own just after 5pm, picked through the cold leftovers, and they wandered off to serve themselves pudding separately. I was so annoyed I couldn’t help myself asking why they ate so early and why they hadn’t waited on us and was informed they made a point of eating particularly early and before we arrived as they thought it was best if the dinner table wasn’t so crowded. Am I being unreasonable in thinking this is really weird and the height of rudeness? Whenever they come to us we ensure we sit down together to eat together and the meal is served hot to everyone.

OP posts:
Mintearo7 · 30/09/2023 10:25

People on here are a bit OTT, it’s her in laws and yes this is rude in some eyes but wouldn’t say you should stop going. Are they just regimented in terms of not snacking then got really hungry waiting? Or they can’t time the cooking properly but want to eat as soon as it’s done? Tbh, my in laws do the same. We don’t see them that often as they live 5 hours away but they almost always eat separately to us. But FIL has health condition that restricts his eating times. . Anyway, I wouldn’t waste your time getting annoyed at it.

easylikeasundaymorn · 30/09/2023 10:26

I can't get over the driving 7 hours with young kids regardless of anything else (although to then be served cold leftovers is certainly an exacerbating factor).
Is that what you want the kids' memories of Christmas to be? 'We spent 7 hours in the car?' hardly 'magical'!
I'd have christmas at home from now on, and see DH's family another day during the festive period.

00100001 · 30/09/2023 10:27

So how do meals go during your stay?

Thebigblueballoon · 30/09/2023 10:27

Fuck that. It’s the height of rudeness. Driving for seven hours to be served heated up leftovers?! And on Christmas Day?! No chance I’d be heading there again.

00100001 · 30/09/2023 10:28

easylikeasundaymorn · 30/09/2023 10:26

I can't get over the driving 7 hours with young kids regardless of anything else (although to then be served cold leftovers is certainly an exacerbating factor).
Is that what you want the kids' memories of Christmas to be? 'We spent 7 hours in the car?' hardly 'magical'!
I'd have christmas at home from now on, and see DH's family another day during the festive period.

Same same, why shove them in the car for 7+ hours? Unless they're basically going in holiday for a week, there's not a fucking chance I'd have done that for a day/overnight stay.

GrumpyPanda · 30/09/2023 10:30

The whole point of a Christmas dinner is that it's a joint community affair. I wouldn't bother going again. Maybe stay at home and invite some stray international students instead if you're anywhere near a university? At least they'd appreciate the Christmas spirit.

Beamur · 30/09/2023 10:30

Really odd behaviour.
I would decline their offer to have food ready for you if you're unhappy with cold leftovers (I wouldn't be impressed either) and either eat on the way and also use that to break up your journey or collect a takeaway near to where they live. You could offer to get food for them too...I wonder what they would make of that.
Serving up Christmas dinner half an hour before you arrive isn't on.

LilyLemonade · 30/09/2023 10:32

It’s incredibly rude. I would be really hurt.

i like the idea of telling them that you will be an hour later and then turning up in time - except that it sounds like they don’t want to eat with you - and that is what would hurt me.

Since time immemorial sharing food together has been the social glue of families and communities. Making someone a meal and sharing it together is a way of showing love and care. Family meals create lovely memories.

I think you should probably say something - but im not sure that it will fix it because they just don’t sound like people who enjoy offering hospitality.

LookItsMeAgain · 30/09/2023 10:33

Can they travel to you? Is there somewhere for them to stay (either with you or nearby) if they did travel to you?

If the answer to both of those questions is yes, then I'd stop travelling to them and say that you've done a lot of the travelling so far and now it's their turn. When they arrange to visit, make sure you have eaten before they show up but have either leftovers or the fixings of decent sandwiches that they can put together themselves.

If it's good enough for the MiL (and FiL I'm guessing is still in the picture so is allowing it to go on and going along with it) to do to you, it's good enough to do back to them.

ladyofshertonabbas · 30/09/2023 10:34

So rude! It sounds as if they’re deliberately eating just before you arrive because they want a quiet meal. I’d tell them you’ll be there at 5, for example, then turn up at 4.20. And repeat.

Treesar · 30/09/2023 10:34

NuffSaidSam · 30/09/2023 10:19

It doesn't sound like they're trying to be rude, it just sounds like weird logic to me. It can't be good for them to eat at 4:30pm so they must have genuine felt that it would be better for them to eat first and then you have the run of the dining room second. It's odd, but I wouldn't jump to assuming that it's all a planned attempt to be rude/offend you/upset you. Probably just mad logic and a misguided attempt to be helpful.

In future just leave a bit later, stop off somewhere and eat on the way and arrive in time to just put the kids straight to bed when you get there.

Edited

This.

Rude suggests they are intentionally trying to do something just for your inconvenience or being totally inconsiderate.

I reckon they think they are being nice but have a weird perspective

LookItsMeAgain · 30/09/2023 10:35

Also, just wondering what, if anything, your DP/DH says to his parents when he's travelled 7hrs to see them with kids in tow and they pull a stunt like this? Does he call them out on it? Would he or would he just put up with it?

PreetyinPurple · 30/09/2023 10:35

It was 4 hours to in-laws and that was bad enough. I wouldn’t do 7 with children at Christmas, screw that.

Also PP who said she shouldn’t have moved. I imagine it was only her DH who moved away, I’m guessing she’s not local to them. That argument has been used to me - I have never lived in DHs hometown, it’s not my home, it’s not my fault we lived a long distance away, it’s the nature of DHs work.

My MIL would expect us just not to eat when we turned up at theirs, often we travelled after work and would get there 8-9pm and be told they’d had dinner already so we couldn’t have anything 😂. We’d get takeaway. It was one of my many transgressions.

EyesOnThePies · 30/09/2023 10:37

What does your DH think, and say about it?

It is weird and rude, but some families just don’t have formal ‘eating together’ expectations in the same way.

My IL’s don’t see any need to turn up at the invited time, will stroll in and dump their stuff all over a beautifully laid table, not come to the table with everyone else if not hungry / busy / on a phone call or playing a game. All at ours and other people’s houses. But the food and hospitality are always lavish and generous.

MereDintofPandiculation · 30/09/2023 10:38

IHateLegDay · 30/09/2023 10:19

Just don't travel to them anymore. Make them travel to you.
If they ask why, just explain it's not nice travelling 7 hours to be served a shitty cold dinner every single time.

Yeah. That would have the advantage of getting them out of your life for good.

And leave the DC with a more manageable no. of grandparents

Original poster
Kindlemagic · 30/09/2023 10:39

I do think this might be a very different idea of what is rude. I think maybe somehow they don’t think this is rude? I do try to get them to come to us as it’s so hard to go to them and they have no space for us either but this has turned to a real bone of contention as they don’t like to be away from home. To keep the peace we have agreed to come to them on occasion. My DH has a tortured relationship with them so I just try to keep everyone on an even keel. And yes, I’d just rather not go at all!

OP posts:
gamerchick · 30/09/2023 10:39

I personally wouldn't care. We don't give a crap about eating together. But it obviously bothers you and yours and it's how you feel that's most important. They might not like eating around little kids, could be anything. Have you asked them?

You could do the lie about what time you'll get there thing or you can stop being so nice and tell husband he can go visit on his own. Life's too short to do shit like that when you don't have to.

Loverofoxbowlakes · 30/09/2023 10:40

There's no way at all I'd be driving 7 hours for Christmas lunch for them to have already eaten by the time we got there.

I'd have to call them out on it. After gifts lunch is the main event, what's the point of going otherwise?

Christmas is at your house from now on op, they obviously don't feel comfortable hosting so don't go.

N4ish · 30/09/2023 10:40

Do they actually want you to visit or is just a habit you’ve fallen into? I would find their behaviour incredibly rude.

If one of them has food issues which means they’re uncomfortable eating with other people then that should be explained to your DH. At least then you’d know where you stood with meals.

N4ish · 30/09/2023 10:42

Read your update - it’s not your responsibility to keep everyone on an even keel. Up to your DH to manage his own relationship with them. Can he visit them on his own?

EyesOnThePies · 30/09/2023 10:43

I wouldn’t ever go there for Christmas again.

AliceMcK · 30/09/2023 10:44

Nevermind31 · 30/09/2023 10:22

Next time order a takeaway

This!

Certain relatives we visit always serve food that isn’t ideal, DH and I give it a go, my DCs on the other had just don’t eat anything on offer. It quite a drive a rural but there is a McDonalds on the way so we always stop and fill up. We know they are trying to cater to everyone at these lunches so don’t make a fuss just make sure we feed the DCs so they aren’t going hungry.

CherryMaDeara · 30/09/2023 10:45

Kindlemagic · 30/09/2023 10:39

I do think this might be a very different idea of what is rude. I think maybe somehow they don’t think this is rude? I do try to get them to come to us as it’s so hard to go to them and they have no space for us either but this has turned to a real bone of contention as they don’t like to be away from home. To keep the peace we have agreed to come to them on occasion. My DH has a tortured relationship with them so I just try to keep everyone on an even keel. And yes, I’d just rather not go at all!

I never understand why women take on the role of keeping peace between their husband and his own parents!

Seriously, you’re tiring yourself and your kids with a 7 hour journey for people who serve you cold leftovers after they’ve tucked into a hot meal.

Do you think they treat their friends and relatives this way? I bet they don’t.

Stop visiting them. Let DH go if he wants to.

Motnight · 30/09/2023 10:46

Your DH has a 'tortured' relationship with his parents for a reason. You can't fix that.

Stop making the effort, let DH take control. My guess is that contact will pretty quickly die down.

EquinoxVOx · 30/09/2023 10:47

Over crowded dinner table!
Hilarious.

Op can't your dh ask them outright? Why do they do it?