Is my MIL rude with her food serving habit?

[Kindlemagic]

Ok I’ll be honest I don’t like my MIL for so many reasons. However I do my best to be warm and kind when we see them. It’s a long drive to get to them (around 7 hours) which is hard with little ones and always stressful and exhausting. Invariably due to the length of the drive we turn up around dinner time or just before and we are always informed beforehand that they’ll organise dinner for all of us - which is obviously welcome and appreciated. Almost always we find that they have eaten before we have arrived and we get served heated up leftovers. This even happened one Christmas when we left very early in the morning to make Christmas lunch - raced to get there and found they had decided to just go ahead and eat Christmas dinner 25 mins before we arrived (despite us keeping them updated on our journey as to the time we would be arriving). Last time we arrived at 5pm thinking surely we had got there in time, but no, they ate at 4.30 so we ate dinner on our own just after 5pm, picked through the cold leftovers, and they wandered off to serve themselves pudding separately. I was so annoyed I couldn’t help myself asking why they ate so early and why they hadn’t waited on us and was informed they made a point of eating particularly early and before we arrived as they thought it was best if the dinner table wasn’t so crowded. Am I being unreasonable in thinking this is really weird and the height of rudeness? Whenever they come to us we ensure we sit down together to eat together and the meal is served hot to everyone.

I would have no problem making a statement on their (lack of) hospitality. Verbally, too.

I would take my own food, but really? I just wouldn't go at all.

I’d bring my own dinner in separate tuppaware and eat it in front of them.

Glad they find it rude.

I also think it’s a punishment. It’s the kind of nonsense my MIL pulled, we lived 4+ hours away and she never understood why we wouldn’t move there. It was also all my fault even though it was to do with DHs work.
She also would be horrible to me the entire visit and then ask why we didn’t come more often. Clueless.

They might be thrilled to bits that they don't have to bother. Would you be disappointed?

I edited the last part on after subsequently reading the OP has already tried this and the parents found it rude. It turns out they were not in fact “thrilled to bits”.

My in laws (now deceased ) were a bit like that. They lived abroad ( we did live there whilst our 2 eldest were young) and it was the last night before we left. They only saw us once a year normally as they felt they were too old to travel ( in early 70s) and there wasn't facetime etc. Dh's friends had invited us out for dinner but we declined so everyone could eat together. Dh's sister was also there and her dh and dc and they were my dc's only cousins. Anyway we sat down for dinner and they had decided to go out for dinner!

@Kindlemagic
You might also check with your colleagues to see how they manage their schedules. Some of them must have the same prep demands as you. They may have developed some useful strategies for managing time.

It used to be quite normal when I was growing up not to talk at the dining table after Grace was said. I've had to work hard to find it natural ( and now you can't shut me up). Dh has the awful habit of talking with food in his mouth which was out of the question for me growing up. He told me table manners were foisted on the working class to oppress them!!!

I'm from Liverpool and when I'm there I'm normally offered a cup of tea about every half hour. My dds are normally pretty good at offering drinks but not in the same league and dd2 often seems to forget. My mum soon puts her right!!

This happened once with my PIL, my husband told them that next time we would show just for coffee and cake.
i think the difference here is that your husband seems to agree with you, whereas OP husband doesn't think there's anything wrong,or at least if he does then he doesn't want to be seen to have picked a side

I mean, they are rude! Even if it’s not intentional (though judging from what you are saying, it is intentional!)

I don’t really have any advice other than that you are valid in what you are feeling, however as in-laws are tricky topic, you are unlikely to get the support you want from dh, and so just make sure you always have an outlet to validate your feelings!

eat on the way?

Why do you go where you are not loved? @Kindlemagic spend your time with people who want you and love you. Life is too short.

This @MargotBamborough. Would I fuck drive for 7 hours to see people who couldn't be arsed to cook me a meal.

From OP's subsequent posts it's quite clear that this is some sort of passive-aggressive point-making. I just don't play those games so I wouldn't be going.

My DH, despite having issues with them, won’t hear a bad word said about them so I do have to be careful with what I say.

This attitude seems to be rife on MN at the moment. Your DH does not have the right to control what you think and say. You do have the right to discuss things you find difficult about his family in order to find workable solutions.

My in-laws often do similar, regardless of what time we arrive.
If happen to all be there together for meal time it’ll still pan out into staggered sittings.

I used to find it really weird, having grown up in a family where it was a firm everyone who’s in sits down for meals together and you don’t start til the last person is at the table.

I’ve since realised that it’s actually their idea of being really hospitable. To them, it’s more helpful and easier if they’re not taking up space at the table, are available to fetch and carry etc. they’ve got a very different take on what makes a nice meal - so the reheating bit isn’t a downside to them.

In their world the way they do it is more hospitable than if we all ate a freshly cooked meal together.

So, key question. Do your inlaws place a lot of importance on freshly cooked meals eaten together? If not, it’s very likely it’s their weird way of being nice.

You’re right — this is coming up a lot at the moment! Think it’s quite concerning. I can’t imagine having to ‘be careful’ about what I said about DH’s parents.

How old are they? Elderly people are very stuck in their ways - such as not being away from home, creature comforts etc. I think they think they’re being considerate and not rude letting you have space at the table after a long journey so you’ve done wind down time? They probably aren’t viewing it as a family cathcup and meal etc.

Maybe they also like a quiet meal time and the kids are too loud and they find it stressful?

I think it’s very strange logic but I think they believe they’re being considerate.

Can you say “it would be nice to eat together can you wait for us next time?”. If they say “no, because XYZ” just leave it. Then the next time just say you’ll get a takeaway delivered when you arrive as it’s easier. They’ll maybe get the hint and if not and they ask you can say you’d rather eat hot food.

The fact they did this for Christmas dinner though makes me think there is something more (like issues eating or peaceful meal times etc needed)

@dijonketchup

you sit and eat meals in complete silence? Why? That’s bizarre. Usually a time to catch-up and find out what the kids have done etc etc.

Being careful about what is said, I'm sure is partly a FOG thing.

The partner with the odd family still love their family, they may not see their family is abusive or unfair. Or they may see it but don't want others to point it out.

They may deal with it in their own way. They are possibly hurting and don't want someone else pointing it out they appear to be loved less, treated less well, treated differently to the Golden Child.

I know a family with a Golden child and another two,
DC2 just pulls back, doesn't ask for much from the parents doesn't expect much.

DC3 asks and then gets hurt, when told No. They'll have a serious rant when the parents bend over backwards for the Golden Child. DC2 will say what does it matter and make excuses for the parents.

Best bet is to stay out of it.

Quite sad how many people are defending MIL or suggesting work-arounds or just putting up with it. I mean, WTF?

Assuming OPs family have been turning up in good time, OP needs to be pointing out to MIL that it's bizarre to invite someone to eat with them and then not wait until they arrive to eat with them.

Christmas dinner situation was particularly rude. From the way the tale is told it doesn't sound like OP was meant to be there for one o'clock or something and didn't get there until 5pm? Come on -to know someone is on their way and will be with you within half an hour, but eat Christmas dinner anyway is definitely MIL making a point. If OP was very late fair enough, but if not, then that's just rude. I guess some people are scared of confrontation but this is definitely one of those situations that warrant it. There are lots of people in the world who genuinely don't understand how rude some of their actions can appear. The OP could be doing MIL a favour by pointing it out.

As usual the partner seems to be absent in calling out their own parents rude behavior. Isn't that always the way in these stories, but if I was the OP I'd be quite blunt to MIL and state there's not much point accepting invitations if they have no interest in sitting and eating and chatting with OP's family. No doubt the MIL will have a list of excuses to justify their behaviour and try to make the OP seam like the one in the wrong. Don't have any of that nonsense. Best to have some comebacks ready for the likely excuses.

If the table is too busy with everyone around it why does MIL invite them to dinner (I mean isn't that the point at Christmas anyway?) Same if the issue is the kids behavior, or being private about eating etc. Why invite them to eat if that's not actually what they want/have the furniture for?! I would ask that directly.

If they got hungry waiting, then the polite thing is to do what everyone else does when waiting for dinner party guests to arrive and nibble a couple of crackers/quality streets or something to tide them over.

Alternatively, if they HAVE to eat at a certain time then just agree on an arrival time well in advance of dinner time and then it's on MIL to stick to that set dinner time.

I hope OP discusses it with them directly because on some level MIL obviously thinks this is completely okay behaviour and it's not.

They don't want you, don't go.

@MyMiniMetro
What makes you feel that Op should discuss with MIL?
Is that not more likely to cause a complete fallout?

I feel Op and DH should quietly pull back. "No we aren't coming for Christmas, too far, too long a journey, too rushed, we'd rather give kids time to play with their new toys".

You only have a small number of Christmases with kids, why even risk a repeat of the last time?
Re other visits, it depends on how the rest of the visits go. If they are welcoming, then fine if they aren't then suggest meeting half way, for a long weekend.

If the in-law want to punish the DH for moving so far away then actually they are cutting of their nose to spite their face.

This is awful. Even Christmas day... Don't put up with it.
How often do you travel to them? Are they elderly, do they have other children (not adult ones) or pets, or is there scope for them to travel to you more? If this is able to be done, implement it now.

The petty side of me then suggests eating well in advance of their arrival and serve reheated leftovers as they do to you, or to highlight their lack of consideration further, serve heated ready meals and make a point of wanting to serve them "fresh".
Like I said, that is a petty retaliation and may go over their heads or provoke a negative reaction. The latter will let you know where you stand though, as there is obviously a reason for their actions, which you can then question if its not okay for you to do to them (as a parent of young children), then why is okay the other way around?

Is it just food, or are other things a second thought, such as sleeping arrangements, etc?

My ex-mil used to do this! Invite us round for Sunday dinner and when we got there ( at the time she stated) it would all be left on the side for us as they had already eaten theirs! Its so weird and incredibly rude!